If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

[AnxiousAnniee]

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

To the people who think the OP is BU, have you taken into account that they are not married and we have no idea what their financial set up is. If he earns substantially more but they pay bills 50-50 would you also expect her to take on basically 90 percent of the household chores??
I think the financial arrangement is also really important here. If he is making the choice to work really long hours but keeps all the benefit from that then that’s a choice he is making and she shouldn’t be taking care of the house so he can continue to increase his income without sharing it.

I think I would go for 50/50 in most circumstances, but his daily routine sounds exhausting, and it is not as though he is saying he won’t do any domestic stuff. I think because you are wfh you aren’t having to do an arduous commute which he has got on his plate, so actually I think you ought to be moving more towards a 60/40. I think you ought to decide what things you can so at the weekend when you are both at home, and how the weekday tasks can be downgraded and done fairly.

His mother can keep her opinions to herself, though throw her a bone for bringing up a son who realises that men have domestic responsibilities too.

I have a very similar set up to you @AnxiousAnniee and yes, I expect DH to do stuff at home. Yes, I'm WFH - but sometimes I actually have to do that work! I try and run the hoover round (my most hated job) and I make sure the dishwasher is filled, run and emptied, I try and put a load of laundry on....we're an untidy household unfortunately so there's more to do that I can physically manage. We did have a cleaner until last month, but we need the money for home renovations so now we have to do it <cries>. We at the least make sure floors are hoovered, kitchen is clean, bathroom is clean.

Also - I think I'm starting perimenopause as I'm so tired at the moment.

This. A hard day's manual work, and you're expecting him to launch into housework and cooking the minute he gets in?
Seriously, if you're at home, how long does it take to put the laundry on or to prepare a quick meal?
It's a bit of an overstep for his mum to get involved, but she is obviously worried about him.

Totally don't have to do extra work but would speak to your other half about it and see if it is him or his mum. Also maybe if you wanted you could use a slow cooker dump some bits in a pot and then by time he comes home it's done with not much effort on either side.

WFH is in my opinion a doddle. It’s easy to whizz the hoover round in between calls, start peeling and chopping veg at 4ish. No one is watching you. I get all my housework done in working hours, a little bit of Netflix, a dog walk, clear out the fridge, nip out and pick up the kids, bit more work, whack on the oven to preheat.

I would absolutely lose my shit if MIL texted me to tell me to do more housework.

YANBU.

Maybe MIL should come round and do the housework?

I'm surprised at these responses. Asking him to do one activity, that he enjoys, while you do every other household task, isn't unreasonable. Most people unwind when they do something they enjoy

Yes he has a hard manual job with long hours. But you are already catering for this by doing all the other household tasks. Having a hard job doesn't get you out of home life 100%.

I'd reconsider the set up (eg batch cooking etc) if he is struggling with tiredness...which it doesn't sound like he is given he stays up till 11.

I think your MiL sounds awful by the way!

No. You might loose your job over this.

And I don't think wfh is a doddle! I wfh and generally have an hour or two more than i can easily manage in a day. If I watched netflix and did all my housework like a PP I'd fall massively behind and get a bollocking.

@AnxiousAnniee
I don't think you're being shitty in the slightest, and having read all your posts, your arrangement seems fine to me as it is. You don't even insist he does 100% of the cooking (if he's late in you do it) or 100% of the cleanup. You are flexible.

Sounds like MIL is projecting anxiety about her boy being tired when she doesn't really see the full picture. I'd ask him. If it turns out he is feeling overly tired by this, then the weekend meal prepping is a possible solution, but no, I don't think you should do it all, especially when he doesn't even mind cooking but enjoys it!

Well I don’t know what sort of job you do, but I’m pretty sure your boss would be passed off if they knew you are doing your housework during work hours.

And then people wonder why some companies are pushing people to get back to the office … 🤬🤬🤬

I actually don’t think finances should be related to the amount if hw done by each partner.
I mean, regardless if how much you work or earn, HW still needs to be done and the amount is still the same!! No reason why it shouldn’t be 50/50.

MIL needs to keep out but I do see where she's coming from. Leaving for work at 5am and not getting back till 7pm is a long day, then having to cook and wash up after. Does he even get 8 hours sleep before he has to get up for 5am? How many hours do you do a day? I only work 6 hours so I don't mind doing a bit more housework.
To help him can you both batch cook at the weekend and freeze or have yous tried doing a dump bag for the slow cooker? I cut up everything for a curry or a stew and leave it in the fridge overnight then just dump it in the slow cooker before leaving for work the next morning.

If you're both happy with it, it's not a problem.

I disagree with this though:

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

Working to bring in money, housework, childcare, DIY, admin are a shared responsibility. It might be fairest if one person is doing 100% of the housework. Surely the fairest way to do things is that each partner has an equal amount of rest/free time?

If he is out of the house working and commuting 12-14 hours a day, 5 days a week, that's 60-70 hours a week. If you work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, that's 40 hours a week. You work in the office 2 days a week so even with a 1 hour commute, that's only 44 hours a week. So it wouldn't be unfair if you spent 16-26 hours more a week on household tasks than him. 16 hours a week is probably more than enough time to do all the housework, admin and cook from scratch every day.

Although it sounds like cooking isn't a chore for him, it's something he enjoys.

It shouldn't be linked to money but it can be calculated like money. e.g. One partner earns £2k per month, the other earns £1k. Bills, mortgage, food comes to £2k per month, I don't think it is fair to each put £1k in for your 50%, I'd say you add the money up £3k take out the £2k and split the £1k so you each have £500.

With working/commuting/housekeeping hours do the same, so it might be one works 40 hrs no commuting, one works 50 hrs and 10 hrs commuting (I know that isn't the same as OP but I'm talking about the principle) so 100 hrs per week, house work/cooking takes another 40 hrs a week so total of 140 hrs a week, split it so each has 70 hrs a week working/commuting/housework/cooking. So one does 50 hrs working 10 hrs commuting and 10 hrs housework/cooking the other does 40 hrs working, no commuting so they do 30 hrs housework/cooking.

Although personally I couldn't be bothered with being so petty as working it all out like that, DH and I both pay some bills and it works out roughly right, I think last year he probably paid more than his fair share due to fuel costs, this year I think I'm losing out due to food costs but it works out roughly equal over time.

I was totally indignant for you - right up until you clarifying that he works long days in a manual labour job whereas yours is a 'sit at a desk' type job. The first thing I was going to say was that if it were me and the jobs were equal otherwise, I'd be doing a bit more during 'commute time' on my WFH days but yeah, I'd expect a generally equal sharing of homecare. However, he IS doing longer days in a more physical job so yeah, he's going to end his day a LOT more tired that you do! So my question is, what is your recipe for a happy relationship and what are your non-negotiables? is the benchmark you use for a successful relationship totally balanced on how much of the homecare you each contribute? because if it is you need to find yourself a fella who does an office-hours, office based job like you, then he'll be in an equal position to share the household chores too.

That’s definitely not true for a lot of people. I’m a SAHM and I never stop with housework, it’s relentless! Husband does a lot of cooking and washes up every night. I still do the majority of the housework and it keeps me busy. I only have one kid and she’s home educated so probably more mess than DINKs but still, I think you’re underestimating how much work is involved in keeping a nice home.

This thread is bonkers.

So here is a man who ‘works hard so is tired’ (according to his mummy, not him btw) so the OP should take in the whole of the HW, cleaning, cooking etc….

But if a woman is severely ill and can’t cook, clean and do any housework then its all poor man who is a carer. It’s so hard for him and he deserves a medal fur doing all of that because she does fuck all.

WHY? Why is it ok for a man to do NOTHING AT ALL in the house, whether it’s cleaning the loo, cooking a meal, pushing the hoover around or cleaning after the cats?
Since when working long hours is giving anyone a free pass to being an adult?

Has anyone said he should do nothing?

The OP is VERY CLEAR that the reason why he is doing the cooking is because he doesn’t do anything else despite asking many times.

So yes, in this case, him not doing the cooking means he does nothing.

You're missing the point.

Person 1 does 65 hours a week of work for the family.
Person 2 does 43 hours a week of work for the family.

There is an additional say 10 hours of work to do (housework and chores).

Surely it is more fair that person 2 does it, which ends up as
Person 1 does 65 hours a week of work for the family
Person 2 does 53 hours a week of work for the family.

Person 2 is still having a much easier time of it and doing 12 hours less overall. Lucky person 2! The fact they happen to be female is neither here nor there!

What you are presumably suggesting is that person 1 should do 65 hours plus 5 hours a total of 70 hours, whilst person 2 does just 43 hours plus 5 hours, only 48 hours. How is that fair?

I think some jobs are best done together at the weekend. But during the working week, Person 1 does 13 hours work per day, plus needs 8 hours for sleeping. That leaves just 3 hours for eating, washing and leisure time, and it's after a very long day. Person 2 on the other hand has a full 8 hours for eating, washing and leisure time, and that's after a much less physically demanding day. So bloody hell, yes, person 2 should pick up the stuff that needs doing in the evening and can't be put off until the weekend. They'd have to be working for an extra 5 hours straight every single evening on WfH days, and 3+ hours on each commuting day just to match their partner's contribution in terms of hours worked.

This is not a gender thing. It's a fairness thing and a simple maths thing.

No you’re missing the point.

Thread after thread on mumsnet about how men can’t do x y or z because of their important man job. You don’t see women claiming the same things.

If he can’t contribute his share to the house he needs to make other arrangements like paying for a cleaner. Otherwise the assumption is they are both working full time and he needs to do 50%.

And as for his mummy 🤬

I haven't read my original post back until just now and realise it looks like I'm saying I still expect DP to do the same amount of housework as me and it doesn't matter how many hours he works.

That's not the case. I wish I would've read back and added to my post. Not sure anyone will end up reading this update now.

Just for clarification, I do think that if you WFH you should do more housework than the person who doesn't. My point was just that I still expect him to do SOMETHING. I don't really think it's fair that if two people work full time that one person should do 100% of the housework. It should be split fairly. Not evenly. Just fairly. I think that our set up is fair.

I told him last night what his mum said and asked whether he is still ok with the set up and would he like to change it. He told me to ignore his mum as he finds cooking relaxing anyway.

My main point of the post though wasn't really about his mum's comment, it's just that the comment peaked my interest about how other people in similar situations to me manage the housework and how most people would split it.