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Original poster

If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

286 replies

AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 08:55

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousAnniee · 22/09/2023 21:20

Dont think I'll be coming back to this thread now, I think it's been discussed long enough.

Thanks though, I appreciate all of the opinions and it's been quite eye opening and very interesting

OP posts:
SLHughes · 22/09/2023 21:50

If my husband went to my MIL to moan she would tell him to get a grip and point out everything I do. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant so can’t do much at all (had a lot of complications). Husband works full time and is training every weekend to be a member of police and he still does the house work

mrsm43s · 22/09/2023 22:36

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 22/09/2023 20:45

@mrsm43s not sure why you are getting so angry.

Is that touching a nerve as in p, yourself, you feel taken for granted Working long hours and your DH/DP is doing very little? You seem to be taking all that very personally.

Nope, not angry. Not taken for granted. Equal, even, caring relationship, into our third decade of happy marriage. We work as a team. Neither one of us would dream of having an extra 22 hours free time per week over the other, we mutually care about each other and would not take advantage in such a way. Neither one of us would be happy with either of us working physical 13 hour days on 5 hours sleep.

I'm astounded that anyone thinks that a split of such a discrepancy as is shown here (in OP's favour) is fair, regardless of the genders.

No one should routinely be doing chores after a 13 hour day. Reasonable to do an hour or two of chores (so would cover pretty much everything day to day for a couple) after an 8 hour day. Anything required after that should be shared at the weekend or bought in.

I don't understand the logic of one person being expected to do so many more hours than the other? I just don't. Hours worked inside the home are equally as valuable as hours worked outside the home, but on the same vein, hours worked outside the home are equally as valuable as hours worked inside the home. OP would have to do 22 hours housework just to be contributing equally, and that's just not necessary for a couple without kids! Even if she did ALL the housework, she'd still be working less than her DP (not that I'm suggesting she does do it all - just that his contribution is restricted to the weekend when he has time available to batch cook etc).

Lucyh999 · 22/09/2023 23:30

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 09:03

Tell his mother she’s over stepping

Exactly this. If she is concerned about her son, she needs to speak to him. Why is it a woman’s responsibility to mop up after a man? Figuratively. The contact with you is weird. You’re Wfh and that’s fine, you dont need to do any more than you are. You need a partnership.

LalaPaloosa · 23/09/2023 17:43

I would be livid that the message came from his mother!!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/09/2023 18:06

I’m a bit gobsmacked that your AIBU is about the division of labour rather than his bloody mother getting involved! That is VVU!
And it’s right that he cooks if you do everything else. He does work long hours so he could text and ask you to prep a bit of veg now and then but if he doesn’t want to cook then he has to take on the weekend ironing or whatever.
can’t get over his mum calling! Wtf?

CantFindMyMarbles · 23/09/2023 18:55

If both people work full time then chores should be 50/50. The fact one person works from home irrelevant

KeepTheTempo · 23/09/2023 19:30

CantFindMyMarbles · 23/09/2023 18:55

If both people work full time then chores should be 50/50. The fact one person works from home irrelevant

It's s relevant, if it's more hours. She works 40 hours, 3 days commute. He works 50 hours, 5 days commute. If they each have a 45 min commute, an equal housework split would give her 13 hours more leisure time than he gets.

Would you truly be ok with your partner having almost an entire day of extra time to themselves in this scenario? I certainly wouldn't.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 23/09/2023 19:41

Except that if the roles were reversed and it was the woman working in the office and her DH wfh, there wouldn’t be people falling over themselves to tell her that it’s unfair she is cooking and her DH should do it.

Because most women reaction would be that most people work out of the house and cook when they come home so where is the issue?

Same with HW btw. No one would tell that man he should push the hoover around between meetings or put a load if washing to go. Because he is at work.

neighboursmustliveon · 23/09/2023 19:42

You are unreasonable to think that if you work from home you shouldn’t do a little or a lot more than someone who works out of the house. It does depend on commuting times. You have none, they might have an hour a day in which case you could do more, if they live closer then it’s not as much a difference.

YANBU to tell your mil to F off, you both wotk and being tired is a side effect most working people suffer from but still get on with life!

CantFindMyMarbles · 23/09/2023 19:43

KeepTheTempo · 23/09/2023 19:30

It's s relevant, if it's more hours. She works 40 hours, 3 days commute. He works 50 hours, 5 days commute. If they each have a 45 min commute, an equal housework split would give her 13 hours more leisure time than he gets.

Would you truly be ok with your partner having almost an entire day of extra time to themselves in this scenario? I certainly wouldn't.

Show quote history

Oh, you appear confused with how to internet works…other people can have opinions!
clearly when I wrote “full time “I meant similar hours. I personally find commuting to be ‘me time’ - so, irrelevant really.
Plenty of single parents have to work full time, do the commute and do all the housework.
if I worked 50 hours (which is above working time regulations!) with a long commute I would still do 50% of the chores because I wasn’t raised to be a gutter rat

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 23/09/2023 19:45

@KeepTheTempo if you are losing a whole day every week vs your partner, then I’d advise you to change job ps instead.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/09/2023 19:47

Buy a slow cooker and a slow cooker cookbook. Use it on the 3 days you wfh to give him a break, he can still wash up after

FinallyHere · 23/09/2023 20:25

BIWI · 21/09/2023 09:01

Why on earth is his mother getting involved?! If your partner hasn't said anything about this, then ignore her.

This

I'd reply 'yeah. right' to his mother.

And make sure he continues to do his share, whatever you have agreed together.

GrannyRose15 · 23/09/2023 20:43

You shouldn’t be doing housework when you are supposed to be working from home. You are working. Therefore it is the time you are not working that is important. If I had a husband that enjoyed cooking and was prepared to do it every day I’d be in seventh heaven. Keep the status quo and ignore MIL.

Nothing7 · 23/09/2023 21:14

Just a quick question which may be relevant, but why does OH do so many hours? Is it for more money for both of you or for himself? Does he have to do the hours or is it choice? Is it benefitting the family or just him?

Personally I think from what I’ve read that the vast majority is done by OP so it’s perfectly reasonable to as for him to contribute to housework or keep doing the cooking.

As someone who works from home, I end up doing housework in any break I take and probably do the vast majority of hours work, I also spend many hours on my own whereas OH is not far away but has to be at work. He benefits from the social side of being at work, getting actual breaks as well as working hard so I think it suits him. But why should the one who works from home not have breaks, time to unwind? As the one who works away gets actual breaks, head space in their commute, and a chance to have a laugh with their colleagues.

Pherian · 23/09/2023 21:14

Why is he talking to his mom - or why does this woman feel empowered to enter into the dynamics of your relationship and say anything at all ?

Whatafliberty · 23/09/2023 22:08

People seem to be missing the point that you only work 3 days. Why shouldn't you prepare meals 2 days? Then your workload is equal. I don't agree that you should do 50% of the housework whether you work 6 or 60 hours. Do you share your income.e?

MsRosley · 23/09/2023 22:12

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 23/09/2023 19:41

Except that if the roles were reversed and it was the woman working in the office and her DH wfh, there wouldn’t be people falling over themselves to tell her that it’s unfair she is cooking and her DH should do it.

Because most women reaction would be that most people work out of the house and cook when they come home so where is the issue?

Same with HW btw. No one would tell that man he should push the hoover around between meetings or put a load if washing to go. Because he is at work.

Edited

IKR? It's so bloody tiresome.

MurphMurph · 23/09/2023 22:35

If you haven’t already replied, I would respond and say, ‘thank you for texting, he is so tired, we both are really, what with us both working so much. I know you love cooking, so if you ever could help us out that would be amazing. I know he would appreciate it so much, and he loves your cooking!’

Either she’ll back off, or she’ll do it.

Jeannie88 · 23/09/2023 22:56

Other side of the coin here, I go out to work and DH wfh. He is busy sat on the laptop and I am dealing with teenagers and long commutes.No I don't expect the house to be perfect when I get home, just the basics done, ie dishes and bin emptied really and anything extra is a bonus. Healso loves cooking and is mainly response this, blessed I know so all I have is clean up after and we share bedtime DC routines.

On my day off I do the rest of the housework, food shop so weekends are balanced.

So guess my answer is just do the basic when wfh, depends on how demanding one's job is of course. I have friends who wfh and barely get a break and others who login when they wake up and do minimal while popping out to Hairsressers etc

Coco1379 · 23/09/2023 23:07

Maybe on the days you don’t work you could prepare the meal, but only if he does the washing/vacuuming/litter trays. If he’s supposed to do the washing but doesn’t, and there’s something you need to be clean, do your own.. I’d ignore what his mother says - it’s not her business, unless she’d like to help out by undertaking his chores!

Jayne35 · 23/09/2023 23:52

Sorry but for your 60 or 6 hour comment YABU. Someone working just 6 hours a week has more time to do more housework than someone working 60 hours, It should be split fairly. If I got home from working 12 hour shifts to be expected to do cleaning when my partner had been home for 4 hours each day I would be pissed.

FlipFlop1987 · 24/09/2023 08:56

It’s a really unique set up needed for each home depending on work/living set up. My partner and I both WFH, me about 80% of the time, DH about 50%. I condense my FT hours and get a midweek day off, DH works Mon-Fri shorter days, for that reason I do more housework on the midweek day off, usually 4 bathroom cleans, windows and all washing for me and kids, but in return my DH needs to do his washing at the weekend, odd school pick ups, DIY jobs, cut the grass, walk the dog etc. after work as he’s done by 3pm. Cooking varies depending on who’s finished work first and if DH has got stuck into a task that’s time consuming (new build house that’s needing a lot of decorating)

I think your DH works very long tiring days by the sounds of it and for that reason if you are PT hours and WFH, the majority of the house cleaning should be you. The cooking is difficult to say because he hasn’t said he wants to stop, his mother has and I find that so patronising. In-laws shouldn’t be advising how to run your home.

TrustyRusty68 · 24/09/2023 11:08

Firstly - his mum rang you to ask you to take on more of her sons chores? Is he 12? Blimey!!
Just talk to your husband & work something out - it goes both ways!! If he’s having a hard time at work & exhausted, you can do a bit more & the same in the future when you’re over run or run down. You’re a team - talk to him & work together!