If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

[AnxiousAnniee]

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

If your husband currently has the longest hours/commute/physically harder job I think is fair you pick up on more of the work load.

I do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill with some of your tasks like cleaning the trays and brush the cats and the 'general tidying'
And why do you need to do laundry everyday on a 2 adults household?!

The only thing i find harder for you is washing the dishes every night (as i assume no dishwasher).

I would say the best solution for both as already mention is meal prep.

op does take on more - see her posts

What are you on about? Did you actually read the full thread where OP repeatedly states that he doesn’t go running to his or complain to her?

As much as I'd love equality, in my household I do nearly everything. I WFH a lot and with that, I cook, I clean and I ensure my DD gets ready and to the various playgroups / nursery actives she has.

It isn't for everyone but I honestly can't imagine different. I also couldn't imagine not cooking! I'm quite particular and, with every bias, a better cook that my partner so I keep 100% control of the kitchen.

How would we feel about husband who informed his wife that she wasn't allowed to say anything to her family that implied that her life was imperfect in any way. "How dare you tell your mum that you're a bit tired. It's just encouraging her to interfere with our private life." Sounds pretty sinister, no?

Not having a go at the OP here, she sounds perfectly reasonable, but the posters who are saying that it's wrong for MIL to know that he does the cooking (how would you hide that when she visits?) or that he shouldn't be allowed to tell his mother that he's knackered are out of line.

I am similar, i WFH most of time. Husband is a self employed builder, gone at 6am and not back till 6 or 7pm. We have pets too. I cook however he does help tidy up and cleans up after himself from breakfast. He works 6 days a week and ends up doing his admin on Sunday, i do end up doing the majority of the housework, i dont mind as i can see that he works hard and he is tired by end of week. I have more spare hours then him. I also cook most eves but we do batch cook etc so its not as tedious and He cooks on a Sunday or we will go out for dinner . If by chance he is home early he will start dinner without being asked. However when i do travel for work or have to go into office he does step up and does things with out being asked. We also have a cleaner which helps.
The big thing is his mother wouldn't dare ring me and say what she said to you. If she did she would be told where to go. It has to work for you and if it does thats ok, it can be different but if it works for you and no resentment then you are ok. My situation works for me and we both get our downtime and spend time together with no resentment

I think the issue here is you initially said you WFH 3 days a week and at that point you didn't mention the 2 days in the office (though you did later). A lot of people are probably still under the impression you're at home for 2 days not working and therefore you have more time than him? Whereas actually I think he's got a bloody easy life and even by doing the batch cooking you're giving into his mum. Don't!

The cooking is his one household job and he likes doing it so this seems perfectly fair to me. His mum is an idiot. Does he actually know she's messaged you? Because if my MIL sent me a message like that my DP would be mortified and furious with her.

DP and I both work partly from home. Sometimes we're in the office on the same days and sometimes different days. I cook pretty much every night, and I still cook even if I've been in the office all day and he hasn't. I'm absolutely fine with that because I like cooking and, crucially, am a lot better at it than he is (he can cook, but he needs a recipe and the exact ingredients where as I can invent something from whatever's in the fridge).

There are other household tasks that he mostly does, like laundry, bins etc and he does all the household admin like bills and insurance and so on. On balance he does more housework than I do and he's a lot tidier than I am. I do all the gardening and DIY.

No I don't agree with you, if one partner is working 6 hrs a week and one is working 60 hrs a week I think it is totally unfair to expect them to do the same in the house. If I was working 6 hrs and DH 60 hrs I would want to do more as I actually care about him and life shouldn't be all about some spreadsheet. It's also nice to have some time together, if your husband is out of the house at 5 am, home at 7 pm and then starts cooking and clearing up I imagine he wants to just fall into bed so do you ever get to have a nice relaxing evening together?

If I was working 60 hrs a week and he was working 6 I would definitely expect some support. Getting home at 7 pm after a 14 hr day and being expected to cook sounds really unkind to me.

Before someone screams sexism for most of my married life I was the one out at work all day and DH was at home and yes I expected to be able to come home some nights and put my feet up.

To people who say it is strictly 50/50 on housework do they think the same about money, one partner earning 10 times what the other earns but they both have to pay bills/mortgage etc 50/50 and if not why not.

Agreed, haha. I'd be willing to do more household "chores" if this was the case.
I'm a bit 😮at all these people saying he's run off to mummy, there's no suggestion he has done that, in fact OP says MIL just generally interferes so it seems unlikely.
It's not as easy done as said, but he should look at getting a job with a better work life balance.
DH has a long commute and it is draining. Previously he had an even longer one and it was even worse. If he can find a job where he leaves the house and get home at reasonable hours, it'll make a huge difference.
Of course, he would then have more free time to do some of the other household chores...

Sounds like a partnership in action.

The obvious answer is that he changes to a job that doesn't require him to be out at work 12-14 hours per day. I used to work manually 12 hours a day and when I certainly home I used to heat something up in the microwave, shower and go to bed. Anything else that needed doing happened on my day off.

So yeah, not surprised that his mum's worried, I'm surprised you're not more worried honestly. But the answer isn't that you do everything.

The OP doesn't say she washes the dishes every night, in fact this is what she said. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

We’re in a similar situation as I do 36 hours a week including commute twice a week (3 days at home) and DH does 5 days a week 60 hours including commute.

I do pretty much everything round the home and 50% of the cooking, but I will almost always cook Mon-Thurs and DH will generally cook Fri-Sun. If he does cook in the week then I will clean up after him shock horror.

My husband has about 3 hours downtime after work Mon-Thursday before he needs to go to bed so I want him to be able to use this time to relax and go to the gym/his sport club.

I can’t imagine a situation where I’d be out of the house for 12 hours and he’d been home all day and he’d be asking “where’s my dinner” when I got in 😂. In fact I know this wouldn’t happen because when he was working from home and I was doing long hours he did all the domestic stuff for me. He’s also great at doing all the DIY/gardening and certainly not lazy.

Very individual situation dependent. My DH has a long commute and does more hours paid employment so I do the main domestic stuff. At weekends we split more equally though.

I’d say a bigger issue here is that his mum text you!!! Massively inappropriate. You and your husband need to communicate and together and his mum needs to stay out of your marriage.
Cooking dinner every night does seem like a big chore for one person, I think it would be reasonable to split it between you. Regardless of working from home or not I do agree it’s only fair to share the housework equally although I can imagine he has a commute and you don’t so doing more dinners sounds fair to me.

So he works 10 hours more than you per week plus has to commute every day while you have zero commute three days. I think labour should be divided versus time spent working and out of house. Forget gender in this equation it’s purely a numbers game for me.

Why is a load of washing done every day in a two adult household?

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in?

🤯

Sorry what?

Sorry OP, it’s clear from your replies you don’t want to hear it but YABU. When I leave the house at 6.45 and return at 7.30/8 there’s not a hope in hell I’m doing anything when I’m back. Working 12 hours and walking in to somebody expecting you to start cooking and cleaning is awful.

@AnxiousAnniee I haven't read all the replies, but I've read the majority of your posts. Based on your original question, and for what it's worth, I'd say you've got a good balance. You're in the house more during the week, so do more of the house stuff, he cooks. I'd expect a similar split if I was in your situation. We have dogs instead of cats, so my DH would probably walk the dogs and I'd cook/do other bits that need doing.
If it works for you and you're both happy, it's not really anyone else's business.

I WFH and DH has a really long commute. He is up at 5.15 every morning and not usually home until 7pm most evenings. I do the cooking weekdays because I think it is fairer given he has had a long commute and whilst I'm working, I've not had to get up at 5.15 and drive for 4 hours every day. Weekends he tends to do the cooking and we usually leave the housework until the weekend.

YANBU. But his day does sound knackering. In my house we have a deal where the one who cooks doesn’t wash up. Could you try something similar & he can pick up some extra housework at the weekend? His Mum is massively overstepping though, and you should tell her so.

In your situation you both seem happy with the agreement, so the issue is your MIL.

But since you asked for others input in their scenarios:

For a start WFH saves the stress and time of a commute, your DH is doing long days, so in your situation I would absolutely be picking up the bulk of the load.

In my situation DH and I both WFH. However I have a fairly easy/flexible role that allows me to get on with stuff inbetween, DH works long stressful hours in his office and often travels. I pick up 90% of the 'home' work. But we've had the conversation where he understands that is only because my job allows it. If that was to change and I had to move jobs, the workload would need to be split if Id didn't have the same level of time/flexibility.

I think WFH lends itself to picking up a little bit more out of convenience because there's no commute. On the whole the split should be fair though.

If DH and I are WFH then the one at home will typically stick some laundry in and get dinner on, or if they don't put dinner on then they've done another house job after clocking off.

It's still very unreasonable that his mother has got involved in how you (plural) run your house.

I would get massive ick if a grown adult was whinging to his mum.

And no, I dont always have time for housework, because I like to use my lunchbreaks to have a break. Housework is not a break.

I would get dinner going, but I would expect DH to wash up.

The benefit is being able to chuck a load of laundry in etc, but I am not the default cleaner just because I am home.