If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

[AnxiousAnniee]

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

I agree with @Mumto6ac . Despite what I've said previously, if he is totally fine with everything the way it is, then I see no need for any change. so it would be interesting to know if you've had a conversation with him about this. It could just be his mum making an assumption. She shouldn't be getting involved regardless, but even more so if she doesn't actually know how he feels and Is making assumptions.

WFH means no commute so I’d say you have more time to Bing on a load of laundry and push a hoover around

that’s what I do anyway

If he is working 12 hour days then yes I think it's reasonable that he does less around the house, I wouldnt expect anyone to get home at 7pm then have to start cooking every night. Not sure why MIL got involved.

You are not being unreasonable. You both work, you are not SAHM even though you WFH, I do not think it is fair for you to be working full time and do all household chores.

you can discuss different distribution of chores but if he chosen cooking himself and doesn’t want other jobs, what can you do. Other than batch cooking so he doesn’t have to whip up full meal every day.

It's very obvious that the reason that he is tired is because he goes to bed at 11 and gets up at what? 4am maybe, in order to leave at 5am. It's not enough sleep.

Like others have said, you both need equal downtime (which excludes at least 8 hours for sleep, chores, commuting time and work time). Based on what you've said, if he finishes cooking at 7.30, and presumably gets up around 4, then he has about 30 mins free time per day, which just isn't enough. He's using what should be his sleep time to give himself some free time.

Presuming you finish work at 5pm, and start at 9am, and do 2 hours housework a day (which is lot, and more than most childfree couples would do on a weekday by a long way) then on working days you have (24hrs-8hrs sleep-2 hours chores-8hrs work)= 6 hours free time - much, much more than his 30 minutes. And you'r able to get everything done, have lots of leisure time and crucially, sleep a full 8 hours. On days you're in the office, then presumably you have less by your commute time - say 45m each way - so 4.5 hours free time on office days.

I think leaving at 5am and getting back at 6pm or so doesn't leave enough time for your DH to be doing chores in the evening during the week. He needs to be in bed by about 8pm in order to get enough sleep. So that only leaves him 2 hours free time in the evening, which isn't much. That's not to say that he should get out of doing chores altogether -he could do batch cooking at the weekends, a load of washing at the weekend (sheets and towels maybe?) etc. But during the week, I can absolutely see why he is knackered. (Having his Mummy advocate for him is pure ick though).

We live in a busy household and work long hours too a few things we do to help

On a Sunday i cook Monday and Tuesday evening meals so that takes the pressure off and minimal cleaning up in the week, (she could do this)

we have a slow cooked meal once a week DH could prep the night before and you could put it in and turn it on

We have low prep meals the rest of the week jacket potatoe, quiche and salad etc

I also try and freeze meals so when I'm tired it's simple to warm through and add a quick side

You shouldnt be doing everything because you WFH but this division of labour clearly isn't working so needs to be readjusted. I'm not sure why DHs mum is involved though 🤣

He not she!

I’ll need some convincing that brushing cats and playing with a kitten counts as housework. It sounds pretty therapeutic to me!

I think he’s getting off lightly! these jobs all need doing and if both are working full time then getting on with it is just being part of being an adult. He works 10 more hours but you are doing the lions share in the week including the meal planning/ shopping etc so it seems more than fair.

your MIL should wind her neck in, although she’s probably just saying it out of concern that he’s tired and isn't thinking it through. If you are WFH then one of the benefits is that you can stick a load of washing on, but that v much comes with the caveat that you are WORKING from home not free to do lots of home jobs.

Out of interest did she work full time? My MIL has made similar comments in the (much distant) past now as she worked (very) part time for ‘pin money’ and did all the housework / cooking etc. It took her a while to realise that most Couples need both partners to work and that if you’re both working then housework/ life admin etc falls on both parties. A few comments got her there 😂.

His mum should butt out!

I agree that the reason he's tired is that he's not getting enough sleep. I got up at 4am (bloody perimenopause) today and already feel exhausted! He needs to go to bed earlier.

Also he should look at whether he really needs to work 50 hours per week

And if you're both happy with the division of chores then keep it like that. I personally would think it's ok not to cook from scratch every night (not sure if you have kids or not) and take short cuts with meals - beige food, pasta pesto, baked potato etc.

Gosh no wonder women are still tied to the kitchen sink with some of these responses.
The op discussed the division of chores and her dp agreed.

In the 1950’s my grandad worked nights in a factory, 12 hour shifts, my Gran didn’t work. One day a week after work when grandad got in he stayed up and did the washing in the copper. He was a diamond.

I would not be happy at MIl msging me to me to do more cos DP is tired! How did that come about? Has he being complaining to her?

Think it depends… if one person works part time surely they contribute less ££ and more housey stuff (be it child care, cleaning etc).

I do agree both are responsible for running the home. Just depends on situation of how that is broken down!

His mother aside, I actually think YABU. His days sound long and tough. If you’re working hours are shorter then I do think you should take on some more. I WFH for myself a lad I do more because I don’t have the crappy commute, the longer hours and I’m here.

Im sure lots of people would argue with me, but in terms of fairness whilst I think he should be doing something, not nothing, I do think you should take on more. If I finished at 5.30 and he came home at 7, for example, I would have dinner ready. He can clean up. I think it’s unfair for him to work that long a day, get home and then cook personally.

whether you work 60 or 6 hours a week

Wow, the mantra of all 1950s SAHMs!

We have a similar set up in our home, I WFH 3 days a week, DH doesn’t work from home at all and often works longer hours than me meaning he gets home at 6/7pm maybe 4 days a week, sometimes less. I do most/all of the “through the week” housework and cook our evening meal on those days, because otherwise he’d be getting home 6/7pm and then having to start cooking, cleaning etc, so we’d get no time to just spend together chatting/watching tv/going for a walk etc if he was then having to spend that time cooking/cleaning, and I usually finish work at 4pm so it would just feel pointless for me to sit in the house alone looking at all of the cleaning that needs doing and the food that needs cooking and not make a start on it just because it’s “his” job, only to then still end up sat on my own when he gets in because he’s then cooking/cleaning. There would be no “quality” time then.

The flip side though is that whenever DH is finishing at 5pm he cooks the evening meal, he does the housework and cooking at the weekend, he does other jobs for the house outside of cooking/cleaning that I’m grateful for and he is genuinely really grateful that I do it during the week. It’s just about finding a balance that works for your relationship I think, both DH and I have full time jobs, but especially on my WFH days I do have significantly more time than him by working 8-4 in the house with no commute, whilst he works 8:30/9-6/7pm, and I’d rather we be able to have some time to spend together on an evening than him have to come home and start on jobs that I could have done in the 3 hours prior when I was finished work x

I know it does seem unfair to you, OP, that you're doing the bulk of the housework. But the difference in your working hours is such that even if you did ALL of the housework, you'd probably end up with far more leisure time than your DH.

You work 3 days from home - 9-5=24 hours plus 2 days in the office 9-5 + (assumed) 45m each way commute = 19 hours
Therefore your total time for work related activities = 43 hours

He works 5 days of 5am - 6pm = 5 x 13 hours
Therefore his total time for work related activities = 65 hours.

You don't break even on leisure time until you've done 22 hours a week more housework/chores than he's done. And, let's be honest, there's simply not 22 hours a week of housework/chores to be done for a childfree couple.

So you always win on the leisure time front.

That's not to say he should do no chores, because I do think that's dangerous in terms of dynamic. But, I think it would be reasonable for you to take on all the day to day stuff that needs doing during the week, and then you both share bigger jobs on maybe a Saturday morning. If you don't like cooking, then him batch cooking at the weekend so you only have to heat and serve during the week seems like a plan.

Definitely wouldn’t take more on, but maybe trade off so he doesn’t need to cook immediately and could have a rest when he gets in? He could take cleaning the bathroom on a weekend or something? I work from home too and my husbands got his own business in a trade, so I have this struggle myself. If his mum rang me saying that though I can guarantee I’d be dropping him at his mums door with his little back pack before she even hung up the phone!

Look at the posts here with the sums on them: they evidence that you have a way easier life that he does. He must be fit to collapse.

So YABVU. You’ve got about three or four hours in between finishing work and sitting down to eat the meal he has cooked you - it would be much easier and fairer for you both if you had dinner ready and could then relax together and watch tv.

Sounds like he’d be doing at least four meals a week anyway, so that seems very fair.

Saying it’s only “one job” isn’t really fair when it is the job that takes the longest every day!

OP, you have deeper problems with your husband than an unfair division of labour. The main one is he is a passive-aggressive, cowardly arse who complains to his mum rather than sit down and have an adult discussion with you. It is none of his mother's business, and he absolutely should not be letting her interfere in this way. It's bad for his marriage and bad for your relationship with her.

In terms of the fair division of labour, it is absolutely not fair that you work full time - wherever that may be - and you have to do everything at home too. Would he prefer that you gave up work to do the housework? How about he pays for a cleaner? Or that you simply leave him?

I'd sit him down with a list of absolutely everything that has to be done, and ask him what solutions he can think of. And if he agrees to do things, then doesn't do them, you should be looking at escalating to couples therapy or even separation. Men and their enabling mothers have to start realising that women are not domestic slaves who now have to bring in a salary as well as do everything else.

Batch cooking, as PP mentioned or have a look into freezer dump bags, they're fab.

Basically you put all the raw ingredients for a curry/chili/stew etc into freezer bags. Take them out of the freezer to defrost the day before you want to cook them and then he can just tip the bag out into the slow cooker on his way out the door. When he comes in there should be warm food ready and much less washing up.
It takes me about 40 mins every weekend to do the prep for all of our evening meals in the coming week. Loads of recipes online to choose from.

I work from home and my husband does 4 long days (12 hours plus commute). Realistically you can get everything done in the time you have. Dishwasher emptied while making your morning cuppa. Feeding the cats is a 2 mintute job as it litter trays. Making the beds 2 minutes, changing them once a week - get him to do it on a weekend. Hoovering, 10 minutes before your lunch. Share the cleaning of bathrooms/dusting/garden over the weekend. I mean, what else is there to do really? He is out for 12-14 hours a day in what you admit is a manual job, bloody get him some tea on when you finish, and let him sit down. You are making it out like you slend hours cleaning every day, unless you are extremely messy its a half hour job then a proper clean over the weekend between you. We can top to bottom the house in an hour between us if we crack on, obvs not doing skirting boards and all that shit but we live in a clean home

If he needs a rest when he gets in he can get up earlier and put something in the slow cooker. Either that or he takes over litter tray duties. His choice. Make it clear if he doesn't do his duties when needed you won't be doing yours. And ask him why he's gone moaning to his mum instead of you.

In our house we have a rule that whoever cooks the meal, the other one tidies the kitchen afterwards. That’s a fairer way of doing things I feel than one person being responsible for the kitchen which is the messiest room.
My husband likes to cook, I don’t. So most nights he cooks and I tidy which is mainly just filling the dishwasher and wiping down surfaces.
Maybe you could try doing that?

His mother shouldn't be involved and he should be telling her this. However, I do think people who WFH should take on a bit more household stuff due to no commute, quick breaks can mean washing gets put on etc. Not doing everything obviously but definitely a bit more. Could you do a bit of food prep, veg cutting etc to help?