If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

[AnxiousAnniee]

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

No it doesn't, they could agree he does cooking and some other jobs at weekends. Not doing cooking 7 days a week does not mean doing nothing.

Why? Why does he have to make MORE of a contribution to the household than the other adult who lives there? Surely work (in the home and outside of it) should be split broadly equally where possible? Even if he did NOTHING, he would still be doing more than his fair share in this particular instance.

She already does 😂

Ignore his mum. It is NONE of her business! Outrageous actually of her to say anything.

if he is happy, then he should carry on. I do most of the cooking - I work long hours and DH is SAHD. But I like cooking! It is fun for me!

But having a couple of portions of bolognese or casserole or curry in the freezer is great for the nights when you are tired or the fridge is empty.

It does seem to me that the very, very obvious answer is for DP to batch cook at the weekends when he has time for rest, leisure and chores, and for OP to do simple meals (since she doesn't like cooking) or simple reheating of meals her DP has cooked during the week. If he did Saturday and Sunday meals, plus batch cook for 2/3 more meals in the week, then OP could just do jacket spuds or stir fry or something really simple like that for the remaining 2 days a week that she'd need to cover. Perhaps his batch cooked meals could be on the days that OP goes in the office (so they both are shorter of time) so she only needs to cook on the days she has a full 8 hours leisure time.

TBH if my partner was tired, because he was working 13 hour days and only getting 5 hours sleep a night, I'd be jumping to do everything and encouraging him to sit down and rest, as my DH would do for me. What he's currently doing isn't sustainable, and will make him ill. He needs more sleep for a start!

I think your comment that the housework should be split fairly, not evenly, is spot on. And if you both feel it’s fair, then I’d ignore his mum tbh!

Ok I have spent time catching up on all of the responses.

If I see one more post saying "help him out" I might combust. I know this is a long thread and you cba to read through all of my updates but please don't comment if you haven't read them. It's really frustrating. I will not help him out any more than I already do.

When we first moved in together I told him I will not spend every day nagging to do this and do that. So we sat down and ourselves set jobs that we don't mind doing. He chose cooking and a few other things. However once he started working longer hours and I started WFH I naturally just took on most jobs because it makes sense while I'm home. This leaves him now with only one job to do. So I have already helped him out. People are saying "I'd hate it if someone expected me to come home and cook" but I'm not expecting him to do anything. He chose to take on that responsibility because he enjoys it.

What I meant when I said it doesn't matter if you work 60 hours or 6 was that housework still needs to be done no matter what your work arrangements are. I didn't mean you should ALWAYS split everything 50/50 no matter what hours you work. I just meant that as an adult, if you work and you buy a house, you have to take care of your house. It doesn't matter how much you work. It still HAS to be done. Some people are single mothers and work long hours and have no leisure time and they STILL have to take care of the cooking and cleaning. It's not something that you can opt out of every day because you're tired. So I still expect him to contribute even in a small way.

Also someone said about brushing cats not being a hard task. Firstly it is. But secondly I'm just explaining what I have to do and my daily routine. One of my cats is easy to brush(kitten) but the other is a rescue and hates being touched. It is an ordeal. I have to shut him in the kitchen and it takes a long time. I always take on this job because I have built up the trust with the cat and he trusts me more. But it is time consuming and it isn't easy. Has to be done regularly because he is a ragdoll.

In response to why I do washing every day... we don't have a dryer so I will put a wash on and then have to wait until the next day when they are dry on the radiators to put them away. So there's always washing that needs doing because I can never just do it all in one day because I don't have space in the home to hang clothes everywhere.

I know people are trying to catch me out saying well brushing cats sounds nice, and you don't need to do laundry every day and you don't have 4 bathrooms to clean etc. But the point of it is that this is supposed to be a partnership and we are supposed to be a team. I help him out by taking on 99% of the household tasks... How is he contributing to the team? Teamwork doesn't mean yeah sure I'll just do everything so that you can come in and put your feet up. His contribution to the team is the cooking. Which he has chosen.

But however you look at it, you are still doing far less hours of "work" (in and outside of the house) than him, and you still have far, far more leisure time than him.

In a partnership, I don't think that's fair. There should be a more even split and roughly equal leisure time (and 8 hours sleeping time a day each).

@AnxiousAnniee honestly, everything you have said makes perfect sense. And it sounds as though your partner is in agreement. Other people might choose to do it differently, that's up to them... if it works for you two that's all that matters.

Fwiw, I have a similar arrangement with my OH except I'm the one who works longer hours. I do less than he does for sure, but I don't do nothing.

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses too.

He wants to do the cooking, because he finds it relaxing so it isn't even a 'chore' for him and he does that because he likes it AND because the OP has picked up every single other thing that needs doing for the household.

With the hours he is working, it sounds like a pretty fair share of workload all round, or at least, it sounds like he is getting a better deal than the OP if we really analysed it..

But you’re a SAHM! When both parents work, something’s gotta give and it can’t really be the cooking when you’ve got kids to think of.

My view is is his mother needs to mind her own business. He's à grown man and capable of cooking after work 🙄. He'd be à lot more tired if he lived alone and had to do everything

what agreement yous have has nothing to do with her. Eeee I’d be fuming

So if OP decided to increase her hours in order to further her career and increase the family income, would that be okay for her to opt out of any domestic duties? How come her DH can work all the hours he wants and get out of ANY domestic work, but OP has to pick up the slack? Smells like misogyny to me.

If OP increased her hours by a full 22, so that she was working an equal number of hours out of the house, then essential housework should then be split equally, or they could jointly agree to outsource it. It's got nothing to do with sex, it's to do with one person in the relationship having all of the leisure time, while the other person doesn't even have enough time off to get a healthy amount of sleep during the week. And the person who is doing the least trying to make out they're doing more, just because their hours of work are done in the house rather than outside it. The overall burden of work, both inside the house and outside of it should be split equally. Currently OP is not doing close to the amount her DP is.

All the hours he wants? Have you heard yourself?
He's exhausted because of it and you make it sound like fun.

I predict you will end up with a DP with a very important ‘man job’ who works long hours.

@AnxiousAnniee I have to say this thread is getting crazier and crazier.
Now because you ‘only’ work 40+ hours a week you somehow should be making up for the 60 hours your DH does by doing all the HW.

I mean, I’m wondering how far some women are ready to go ‘in the name if equality’ to still take on all the HW so that poor man still does fuck all.

No wonder the idea of partnership still hasn’t registered into men’s mind,

But but but….

What if you only need 5 hours of sleep per night, then you get 3 hours leisure time more. I think it’s highly unfair and you should take take a lot more if tte HW on to compensate!!

Sounds crazy?
Thats because it is.

Just like it’s crazy to berate someone who organise their life TOGETHER in real PARTNERSHIP with their DH so that he ends up doing much less AND something he enjoys and finds relaxing (aka it is not a chore unlike cleaning the loo) and tell them the organisation they have both agreed on is unfair 😂😂😂

Soon you’ll tell us that poor man is martyr lol.

On the day that his mum saw him he was very tired because he worked the weekend too (through his own choice). He wanted to do some overtime for extra money. He stays up until 11pm because he isn't tired enough to sleep any earlier.

Obviously it's a tiring day I'm not saying he isn't tired but he isn't falling asleep on the couch or completely and utterly exhausted. People are making out like he's this poor poor man who comes through the door ready to collapse and I'm ordering him into the kitchen to cook a three course meal. He comes home from work absolutely fine and if he wasn't he would tell me. On the odd occasion that he IS too tired he says to me "I cba cooking a meal tonight" and I will say ok and we work something else out. I'm not making him my chef slave and he isn't absolutely falling on his knees from overwhelming tiredness

Edit to say: his mum is just an interfering sod

What's crazy is that you seem to think that 65 hours a week is LESS than 43 hours a week. It's not. It's 22 hours a week MORE.

PLUS he's expected to do the cooking, washing up and clearing the kitchen every single day. So at least another 14 hours a week.

OP does laundry for 2 adults (2 hours a week if generous), cleaning for a couple (5 hours a week, if generous) meal planning and online shopping (1.5 hours a week, generously) and brushing her fucking cats. So less than him AGAIN.

NOT FAIR.

He's doing MORE work outside the house PLUS she's expecting him to do the biggest, most time consuming task in the house.

BONKERS!

I'm saying that the total input/effort made by both of the adults in the house needs to be equal. You are effectively saying that one person doing 60% of the load (DP doing 65+14= 79 hours to OPs 43+8.5 (actually I'll round up to 10 to be extremely, extremely generous) = 53 hours is fair. I'm saying it should be closer to 50:50 overall.

It's irrelevant which hours are worked in the house and which are worked outside of the house. The reality is that her DH takes on 60% of the overall load of work done by the pair of them. That's just not fair. And he will become ill if he continues doing 13 hour days of hard, physical labour on 5 hours sleep a night.

Nope. Both heading toward retirement now. Both have very important jobs (with no gender attached), both work similar (long) hours, both share the housework/mental load equally, both step up and look after each other if the other has a particularly tough period at work that needs extra hours (or other commitment - e.g. elderly parents/looking after adult children etc). And we both make sure that each other is getting enough downtime and sleep to stay mentally and physically healthy. If the load becomes to big due to clashing priorities, we buy in extra help. We both prioritise both our own, and each others wellbeing.

MIL getting involved is an overstep. Chores should be agreed between you - I feel you should share money and leisure time.

@mrsm43s not sure why you are getting so angry.

Is that touching a nerve as in p, yourself, you feel taken for granted Working long hours and your DH/DP is doing very little? You seem to be taking all that very personally.

It's almost as if... you havent ready any of my updates.. at all.

He isn't "expected" to do this. I have stated this now multiple times. He is just expected to do something. Anything he wants. He can choose. He chose cooking.. he made that decision himself. He could've chosen taking the recycling out. Or scooping out the poo from the litter. But this massive gruelling time consuming task that you're talking about.. he wants to do it. I even posted yet another update earlier saying I asked him last night if he is still ok with the arrangement we have and he said yes.

Why are people so keen to argue this false narrative that you've got going on where I'm stood forcing him into the kitchen to cook and clean. He doesn't wash the pots I've already cleared that up in another update. This long posts where you think you've made valid points don't mean anything to me because you aren't taking onboard a single word I've been saying.

Also I really don't do less housework than him. How can I possibly if he spends 40 mins 4 times a week cooking and I do every single other job in the house? Where are you getting this from? He doesn't make gourmet meals that take hours. He does whatever he wants. If he wants to make wraps he can. If he wants to do beans on toast he can. If he wants to make something fancy he can. If he can't be arsed at all he will tell me and I will pop something on instead. I don't know how many more times I can keep repeating these same facts over and over for people to just still think he's so hard done by. This is so wild to me, I might actually start reading these replies out to him so that we can both have a good laugh