If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

[AnxiousAnniee]

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

@Ryeman no i do far more. We have two long haired cats so hoovering needs to be done every day, litter trays a couple times a day, general tidy up/clearing stuff away, I do laundry every day. I feed the cats, brush through their fur every other night, one of them is a kitten so she's hard work ATM. Then not every day but a few times a week I'll sort the recycling, take the bins out, change the bedding, do the bathroom.

He cooks. He should also wash up but I mostly also end up doing this the next day on my lunch. His duties don't outweigh mine lol

Also just to clarify he didn't ask his mum.. his mum gets involved a lot and often speaks out of turn, it isn't unusual behaviour from her. I usually just ignore her

But how does his MIL know he does all the cooking and pots?

I don’t but we have 3 dc and wfh (3 days a week) means I do do the odd tidying etc, I am the point of call for all work being done around the home, which feels constant, I do the post office or grocery runs, I do the cancel my day when they are sick as even if it’s first thing Dh will have left, and all of it adds up to far more than his commute so no I don’t take on extra housework. Eg Monday the nanny called in sick so I had 3 dc at home and got no work done, pil kindly picked them up at lunchtime but the new dishwasher arrived 15 minutes later so I did a quick tidy of the kitchen then I got called out 4 times over the next hour and a half so I barely got any work done till he had gone. I would be royally pissed off if dh thought I should do more.

If you both work a similar amount of hours overall each week, then yes it should be shared pretty much equally. Whether one does WFH or not.

If one of you works 60 hours a week, so that the other person only has to work 20 hours a week, then of course - the one who works less should be doing more housework.

Now I'm not saying that one person should do ALL the housework if the other person works more, both should still contribute to the chores and cooking. But if there's a big difference in work hours, then it should sway more to the one who works less.
(This view does not take into account any childcare and presumes that there's no childcare required to take into account.)

Your division of chores sounds very fair. Because you have a bit more time, you're doing more but it's reasonable that he does something too it sounds like cooking is his choice of chore.

Well I'd feel a bit shit chilling from end of work at 5, DH returning after 14 hours and him starting the tea at 7, then me continuing to sit there chilling whilst he cleans down the kitchen. Then presumably straight to bed as he's out so early.

I view our relationship as equal so we do a fair share and we look after each others needs not ours

What is suggest is talk to HIM. What's he said to his Mom?

If he cooked double on his days off, you could reheat those on your WFH / his 7pm home days.

What does he do on his days off? Equally unfair if you're spending all weekend cleaning the house from top to bottom whilst he sits about all but a couple of hours to make dinner.

So perhaps of you're taking on more dinner duties (microwave the protein, cook the carb), he helps more on a weekend

Yikes at his mum texting. That's odd!

But tbh sounds like he works long hours in possibly quite a hard job? My DH does the same and I do most of the housework as I have an office based WFH job.

PPs saying WFH should still mean working but most of us will have a lot more time to do housework. I'm saved an hours commute in the morning and afternoon, got an hour for lunch and when I'm downstairs making tea (which takes less time than doing so in the office!) I usually load/empty the dishwasher or do the laundry.

I wouldn't expect you to do stuff during your lunch break tho, well no more than on the office but obv you save the commute time

Are you on glue? He cooks and that's it. He doesn't even wash up after!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66866879

32% of men admit they know they should do more at home.

How much spare time do you both get? I agree everyone should make a contribution but if he's out for 12-14 hours a day he's not exactly laying around for hours while you scrub floors...

DH works away so I do the vast majority of house and child stuff. We split stuff when we are both physically at home, not overall, so we have similar amounts of leisure time.

I thought he did wash up and clean the kitchen?

The OP said washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen.

Assuming the OP works 9-5, she has 4-6 hours a day more free given the hours he works so I think it's reasonable for him to do less than her.

I would text her and say that’s his only job around the house, so I think he can manage it. Hopefully it shuts down the conversation.

But I would ask him how he managing and suggest he batch cooks on the weekend. Don’t let him off if he doesn’t do much. You will end up hating him.

I actually agree that husband out of house working for such long hours shouldn't be expected to cook and clear up every evening.
Redistribute the workload .Do you have children? If it's just the 2 of you all the other housework should be easy to keep on top of .

I think you’re being ridiculous to say it doesn’t matter if you work 60 hours or 6
of course it does. I cannot stand the posts on here where women seem to be doing more housework as a default. However, if your DH is doing a physical job and out the house up to 14 hours and you work normal hours so around 7-8 hours actual work. That’s 6 hours a day he’s contributing to the household (assuming you share finances) that you are not. That could be almost double your working week. And then you’re expecting him to come home and do half the housework as well, In that case I absolutely would do more work in the home. Unless you’re going to say that actually you also work 14 hours a day. Even then I’d say you should probably do 60-70% of the household chores on the days you work from home but they should be 50/50 on the other days.

i would not be happy his mum is involved though

I think he does need to do chores but probably cooking and cleaning the kitchen aren’t the best ones. I do also think logistically it makes sense for you to do a slightly bigger proportion of the chores.

How about you take the cooking and give him one of yours - bathrooms?

It is the hours spent working plus the commute that matters. I work longer hours and my travel time is slightly longer, but I sometimes WFH. We also work different hours so I start much later and he starts really early.

We both cook and clean up, but I like doing laundry so put on a wash early and hang it out, but he brings it in and I put it away, we iron ourown stuff to the extent that is necessary. If we are both home and not working we both tackle any jobs at the same time so neither of us is sitting around or out while the other is doing cleaning or DIY.

I would also agree with you that he should not do nothing. It is far too easy to stop appreciating the house work if he never does any. Is it possible for him to reduce his overall hours at work/travelling?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it's well known to his mum that he cooks because she loves cooking and so does he and there has been conversations where we have been speaking about food and meals and it's come up in conversation.

Plus she is just generally involved. Every time she speaks to DP if she calls him at night he says he is still at work or only just got home. Then if she sees him at the weekend she will ask him about work etc. He doesn't go running to her or anything.

Also just to clarify, I am fine with our arrangement. It suits us both, I hate cooking, he hates the other stuff. After a long day at work he would rather cook than hoover for example. So that is my way of being fair. He chose to take on the cooking. At the weekend if I'm doing a big clean he also will get involved. I'm just purely talking about after work here. His mum basically thinks that I should do all of thr housework through the week because I work 40 hours and he works over 50 hours. I just wanted to gauge other peoples opinions on that

Personally no, but my circumstances are different to yours.

DH is out of the house on his feet all day but gets an hour for lunch, downtime to listen to music on his commute (it's an easy 20 min drive, not saying all commutes should be classed as downtime). He does nursery drop offs so that I get 20 mins on a morning to have a cup of tea.

During the day I am full on working even though it's an office job - there are days where the most time I get is to make myself a coffee. I do nursery pick up at 5, and usually will have to do an extra hour's work on an evening.

I do bathrooms and keep my office clean, we split cooking and washing up depending on who can be bothered that day, he does all other housework. He gets a lot done on an evening as I usually put the toddler to bed (which isn't really a job in itself as she goes down very easily), then crack on with an hour's work while she falls asleep.

It's been an uphill battle to get DH to understand that WFH isn't pissing around watching TV, but we've finally got there. There's the other argument of in breaks at work he gets to sit and chill so why the hell should I spend my breaks cleaning the house?

I think the people blaming him for complaining to his mum are being unfair.

Presumably she knows from visits that he always does the cooking, as it's normally obvious to any visitor who does that, whereas visitors don't see who scrubs the loo or vacuums the stairs.

If he's understandably mentioned being knackered to his mum, then it's an easy leap for her to make that therefore he should do less cooking.

Like other posters I think the answer is for him to spend a couple of hours meal planning and batch cooking at the weekend while the OP cleans the house. Proper cooking in the evening after a long commute and a full day manual labour seems a bit much.

I think the people blaming him for complaining to his mum are being unfair.

I do too.

I think I'd do about30-45 mins more housework a day. I'd replace the daily commute with a walk for exercise at one end of the day, and doing some physical chores at the other end of the day. I'd also stick a wash load on in the morning and peg it out at lunchtime - that sort of thing. Or after knocking off work for the day, prep dinner in the commuting hour, so when the commuting worker gets home, it's bubbling away, smelling good and you can both sit down and relax together and catch up for 20 mins.

Also just to clarify, I am fine with our arrangement. It suits us both, I hate cooking, he hates the other stuff. After a long day at work he would rather cook than hoover for example. So that is my way of being fair. He chose to take on the cooking.

It is worth asking if he is still fine with the arrangement too? When one partner is struggling it is only fair to have a chat about adjusting/redistributing household chores.

OP said:
He cooks. He should also wash up but I mostly also end up doing this the next day on my lunch. His duties don't outweigh mine lol.

But he does fuck all else apart from cooking.

What you and his mum are suggesting that OP does everything. Presumably because she has a vagina because I can't imagine that if the sexes were reversed in this scenario, a man would do all the housework on the basis he works from home.