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Original poster

If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

286 replies

AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 08:55

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

OP posts:
threatmatrix · 24/09/2023 12:19

So are you saying he gets up at 5am and home at 7pm from a labouring job and then you expect him to cook a dinner. Sorry if I’ve got this wrong but bloody hell.

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/09/2023 12:30

Yanbu !
Why are women expected to do everything while men just come in and relax absolutely grinds my gears tbh it's his home too and if he lived alone he would have to do it all ! Tell his mother to mind her business

Sunshinepole · 24/09/2023 12:35

My hours are similar and there’s no way I would spend my two hours of free time a day cooking for my partner who is home all day. However, I’m more than happy to not to eat or to have something simple that doesn’t need to be cooked so it’s up to my partner if he wants to make his own food and if he makes some for me too, it’s a bonus. However I make sure I pick up the slack elsewhere doing other chores. Some tasks just make more sense to be done by the person with more free time in the evening, but they should definitely get a break elsewhere in the week to make up for it. I would check whether your husband actually cares or whether his mum is just sticking her nose in though cos it might be a non-issue.

Batatahara · 24/09/2023 13:00

@Sunshinepole why 2 hours? It takes me no more than 30 mins to cook from scratch

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 24/09/2023 13:44

Lol I love how people say they would never cook coming back home in those circumstances.
And they then proceed to say

  • they would do other stuff in the house - the DH doesn’t. It’s the ONE thing he does. Something him and the OP have agreed on, so it has never been ‘imposed’ on him.
  • they clearly don’t want to cook - the DH CHOSE AND WANTS TO cook because he finds it relaxing
  • it takes a long time (2 hours!!) which I assumes means they include the cleaning in there too - which the DH doesn’t do either.
Im not sure why some posters are so flummoxed when they actually talk about a totally different situation than the one described. Or they haven’t read the OP’s posts…. Not even the last ones.
Iwasafool · 24/09/2023 14:02

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 24/09/2023 13:44

Lol I love how people say they would never cook coming back home in those circumstances.
And they then proceed to say

  • they would do other stuff in the house - the DH doesn’t. It’s the ONE thing he does. Something him and the OP have agreed on, so it has never been ‘imposed’ on him.
  • they clearly don’t want to cook - the DH CHOSE AND WANTS TO cook because he finds it relaxing
  • it takes a long time (2 hours!!) which I assumes means they include the cleaning in there too - which the DH doesn’t do either.
Im not sure why some posters are so flummoxed when they actually talk about a totally different situation than the one described. Or they haven’t read the OP’s posts…. Not even the last ones.

From the OP However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen.

I know it changed in a later post.

sophiasnail · 24/09/2023 15:32

Goodness... you have a partnership not a contract. After a 12 hour day at a physical job, no wonder he is exhausted. You need to divide labour fairly over the week, not have concrete rules about who does what when - you are allowed to talk to each other! If you cook when he gets in at 7, you discuss what he is going to do at the weekend etc. You also need to make sure leisure time is divided fairly over the week too. That might mean you doing more housework if he is spending more time getting to and from work.

Nothing7 · 24/09/2023 16:17

The trouble is people are assuming that the relationship is a partnership in every sense.
How do we know he’s not choosing to do the extra hours to earn more money for himself. If he’s working longer hours for mutual benefit then yeah it’s probably fair for OP to to a bit more in the house, because it’s an equal partnership. And it sounds like she does the lions share and he just cooks.
If he’s picking up extra hours through choice and for his benefit then she can decide to have some time for herself for her benefit as she does work full time herself.

whittingtonmum · 24/09/2023 16:41

Can I be your DP? I'd totally take that deal. Just cooking (not even shopping or meal planning and not much washing up) and NOTHING else. I'm in. And you are even coming up with ideas to make my life easier ie batch cooking. Where do I sign up?

RavenofEngland · 25/09/2023 17:40

This reminded me so much of my own soon to be XMIL. Both me and XH work. Before kids, I worked full time, when I had my kids I went part time didn’t get home from the office until 5 o’clock because I managed to get an arrangement with my own DP to do the school run in the afternoon. So even though I still worked, I was expected to cook the dinner and have it ready when XH came home. XMIL used to say to me you need to get dinner ready for when he comes home because he’s been working all day. What about me? Never mind I’ve also been working all day, and I come home to look after the children. I now work from home and I have done since Covid. I work full-time and I was still expected to have dinner ready when he got home. Well now he’s gone and I do dinner when I can be arsed.

bluebird3 · 25/09/2023 18:00

If you share all the household income equally then I'd expect each partner to work the same amount of hours whether it's outside work or housework. So if he is working 60 hours/ week then I think it's fair for you to work up to 60 hours/week then anything after that is split evenly. So that might mean you end up doing most/all the housework if you're only working 40 hours/week. If he likes to cook and wants to cook then that's great, but I think you should probably be clearing and washing up.

If you can afford it then you could always look into a cleaner to take some of the housework burden off you.

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