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Original poster

If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

286 replies

AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 08:55

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

OP posts:
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 21/09/2023 08:59

YANBU that there should be equal division of labour. But his day does sound knackering. I wouldn’t want to get home at the end of a day that long and have to then launch into cooking. Can you rearrange / redistribute the jobs so that doesn’t always fall to him?

SirChenjins · 21/09/2023 09:01

No, absolutely not. I might occasionally fit in prepping the dinner while I’m listening to a webinar or hang the washing out in my lunch break, but wfh means just that - you’re working, just in a different location. That means you don’t routinely do the housework, or look after your DC, or do the gardening or whatever. Tell his mum to pipe down! (Well, probably don’t do that - just roll your eyes inwardly and ignore her)

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/09/2023 09:01

Is he such a wet lettuce that he has to get Mummy to ask permission? I'd be fuming that he can't just come to me and talk about it.

BIWI · 21/09/2023 09:01

Why on earth is his mother getting involved?! If your partner hasn't said anything about this, then ignore her.

Original poster
AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 09:02

The problem is, he enjoys cooking but doesn't enjoy any other tasks. He puts other things off. If i asked him to hoover instead or do the litter trays or do the washing he will put it off and be like "ill do it later" and then it never gets done. This arrangement works because he can't put the cooking off and he enjoys it more than the other stuff. It gets him out of smelly cat turds and cleaning the bathroom. It feels like the option is cooking or do nothing. I could talk to him and see how he feels about it though for sure

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 09:03

Tell his mother she’s over stepping

Owjrbvr · 21/09/2023 09:03

If cooking and cleaning up after was my only job I’d be overjoyed! If he lived alone he’d have to do far more so why should you do everything. I do more in the house because I’m here more but I wouldn’t expect to take on everything.
Maybe instead you could work out some simple dinners together that he could cook so it’s less time heavy.

HelterSkelter224 · 21/09/2023 09:04

Absolutely not unreasonable, you doing housework over your lunchbreak means you don't get a lunchbreak, where as DH does in work. You both live there, both work full time, regardless of WFH you both need to care for the house.

I'd be more than a little bit fuming at my MIL poking her nose in like that but I know there's still a perception among some that people WFH are skiving when it's anything but. Has your husband asked for more help with cooking? I'd have a chat with him and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to continue with your arrangement (and I'd be asking him to have words with his mum). You can't do a full time job and look after the house full time as well regardless of commutes etc.

Primproperpenny · 21/09/2023 09:04

Ha - his mum asked?! Ick ick ick.

crumblingschools · 21/09/2023 09:04

Could he batch cook at the weekend if he enjoys cooking?

Wouldn’t be impressed with his mother getting involved

thecatsthecats · 21/09/2023 09:04

Well, on the one hand it's serious ick that his mum got in touch.

On the other hand, we do try to divide labour by what suits our availability. I'd hate to cook every day after a physical job when there was someone who didn't need to leave the house.

Could his brilliant cooking be done in batches at the weekend?

I love WFH for laundry because I just stick a load on before work, hang it out during a tea break and put it away after work.

disappearingfish · 21/09/2023 09:07

OP says he enjoys cooking. If he lived alone he'd have to do everything in the house on top of his job so OP is already sharing that burden.

I also hate cooking after a long day at work. So guess what? I meal plan and prep stuff at the weekend to make it easier. Like a grown up. What I don't do is get my mum to phone up my husband on my behalf.

Clymene · 21/09/2023 09:08

He got his mummy to ask you? Yuck

Goodornot · 21/09/2023 09:08

I'm WFH today I just stuck laundry in. Did the washing up earlier in the morning. Took 5 minutes each.

In days I work in the office I couldn't be arsed to do the laundry when I got in as I'd be too tired from the commute alone.

WFH just isn't as tiring as working a long day out of the house especially not if it was a manual job. I do see his point.

But I wouldn't reply to his mum. I'd wait for him to ask if he has the guts.

Ryeman · 21/09/2023 09:08

Unless you have 4 bathrooms and an immaculate house, it sounds like his kitchen duties would far outweigh your ‘everything else’. In our house, 80% of the work is related to meal prep and cleanup. Could you take on the washing up/kitchen cleaning duties some evenings?

WimpoleHat · 21/09/2023 09:09

His mum messaged you… ? Huge overstep there.

piscofrisco · 21/09/2023 09:09

We both wfh and I do more housework than him. But he does more cooking so I suppose it evens out.

Clymene · 21/09/2023 09:10

Ryeman · 21/09/2023 09:08

Unless you have 4 bathrooms and an immaculate house, it sounds like his kitchen duties would far outweigh your ‘everything else’. In our house, 80% of the work is related to meal prep and cleanup. Could you take on the washing up/kitchen cleaning duties some evenings?

Really? 80% of housework is cooking and doing the washing up? I spend more time hoovering, washing floors, cleaning bathrooms, changing bedding and dusting. And my house is not immaculate nor do I have litter trays.

piscofrisco · 21/09/2023 09:10

Also: his mum asking you to give him a break. Been whining to her much has he? That would give me the massive ick.

TrailingLoellia · 21/09/2023 09:10

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 21/09/2023 08:59

YANBU that there should be equal division of labour. But his day does sound knackering. I wouldn’t want to get home at the end of a day that long and have to then launch into cooking. Can you rearrange / redistribute the jobs so that doesn’t always fall to him?

Nailed it. Need to redistribute and perhaps have him doing weekly cleans on the weekend instead of doing all the cooking every day.

VeridicalVagabond · 21/09/2023 09:11

I do more housework because I wfh at a veeeery laid back job and do fewer hours than DH, but this has been agreed between us. We have a "cleaning rota" that we put together (along with teen DD) and everyone has jobs to do on that to keep the house from descending into chaos, and we take it in turns cooking (I do 3 nights, DH does 3, DD does 1). I'd say the split is about 50% me, 10% DD and 40% DH. This works for us based around our lives. Everyone is pulling their weight in the appropriate areas.

What I would not be having is my MIL interfering with how my home is run, so I'd ignore that completely. I expect my grown adult husband to be able to speak to me if he has an issue, not go moaning to his ma!

curaçao · 21/09/2023 09:11

How many hours per week do you work in total and how many does your dh including the commute?

Another factor is that his job is physical where presumably yours isnt?

RockGirl · 21/09/2023 09:12

Owjrbvr · 21/09/2023 09:03

If cooking and cleaning up after was my only job I’d be overjoyed! If he lived alone he’d have to do far more so why should you do everything. I do more in the house because I’m here more but I wouldn’t expect to take on everything.
Maybe instead you could work out some simple dinners together that he could cook so it’s less time heavy.

Don't be silly, mummy would come and do his housework for him if he lived alone.

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/09/2023 09:13

Did he go running to mummy or is she guessing?

What has he said about his mums plea?

Maxiedog123 · 21/09/2023 09:13

Are you sure your MIL isn't just doing this off her own bat, I've noticed that some older people really dont understand that you are still expected to work when WFH.

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