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Original poster

If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

286 replies

AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 08:55

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

OP posts:
itsallnewnow · 21/09/2023 15:01

Now that I've read more I think other people read it like I did, that you had 4 days of no work lol and he was doing 5 days plus commute!! I read "I work from home 3 days as being your whole job" Blush

Trisolaris · 21/09/2023 15:15

Should you do more if WFH: Yes, generally
Should you do it all: Absolutely not.

Sounds like your current balance is fair and mummy should keep her nose out.

Original poster
AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 15:17

Sorry btw if I sound like I'm being shitty. Don't mean to be, I genuinely welcome all opinions. But it just feels upsetting sometimes that I'm doing almost EVERYTHING in the home and he has one single job and people are still telling me this is unreasonable of me. I was angry at his mum suggesting this and did think that more people here would agree with me but it seems like quite a lot of people think that he shouldn't have to lift a finger whatsoever when he comes in.

People telling me to be flexible... What is it about what I've mentioned that doesn't seem flexible? I literally ASKED him what one job he wanted to do and he chose cooking because he likes it and doesn't even see it as a chore. He pops his iPad on, watches his shows while he does it.

I plan all the meals for the week, write the shopping list, do the food shop by myself, come home and put it all away. Plus all of the other jobs I mentioned. And I still work full time I am not a housewife.

Anyway everyone is entitled to their opinion and that's what I wrote the post for so appreciate the feedback all the same

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 21/09/2023 15:19

I can't believe his mother got involved

coxesorangepippin · 21/09/2023 15:20

Quiet quit, op. Just stop doing it all and he will have to do more.

WhatapityWapiti · 21/09/2023 15:23

Still waiting to hear how much he loves the cats!

LadyDanburysHat · 21/09/2023 15:33

I'd be pissed off at the MIL messaging. I would suggest you ask him to tell her to back off. I wouldn't even reply to her message yourself.

Original poster
AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 15:34

@WhatapityWapiti ooh yes he lovessssss the cats

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 21/09/2023 15:45

Is this a wind up? He leaves at 5am and returns between 5 and 7. Presumably 5 days a week. You wfh 3 days a week. I would expect my DH to do very little with that set up. You have hours of spare time compared to him. Unless you live in a mansion it can't take that long to keep it ship shape.

At least a couple of nights a week you could cook or buy something to reheat.

Original poster
AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 15:55

@FrenchandSaunders i do expect him to do very little. I don't expect him to do nothing. I expect him to do one job.

I'm soooo confused by what people mean when they are saying this. HE DOES ONE THING. that IS very little. He chose this job lmao he could do anything he wants. He could've chosen his one job to be literally anything else but he chose to cook like..... What else do you think should be done here

OP posts:
WhatapityWapiti · 21/09/2023 15:58

FrenchandSaunders · 21/09/2023 15:45

Is this a wind up? He leaves at 5am and returns between 5 and 7. Presumably 5 days a week. You wfh 3 days a week. I would expect my DH to do very little with that set up. You have hours of spare time compared to him. Unless you live in a mansion it can't take that long to keep it ship shape.

At least a couple of nights a week you could cook or buy something to reheat.

She works in an office for the other two days @FrenchandSaunders.

FrenchandSaunders · 21/09/2023 15:59

Oh sorry, I didn't realise you also did two days in the office.

SheilaFentiman · 21/09/2023 16:34

AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 10:53

On the days that he comes home late at like 7 then yeah I do stick something in for dinner then. It's something something in the oven though. He likes proper meals, even when I do these oven meals he will come in and add stuff to it. Start chipping onions and making his own sauce etc. He actively likes cooking. He has not once complained about it.

His mum knows that the ONLY thing he does is cook so I was shocked that she has asked me to also take this on. That's why I wanted other peoples opinions to see what other people in similar situations do. When I say clean the kitchen I just mean clean after himself. He will cook but leave everything out. So then I have to ask him can you put all of the stuff away and just wipe the sauce off the counter etc because I would just do this as I go along if it was me. I don't think that's unreasonable, but again I'm interested hearing other people's views on this

In terms of leisure time, if he gets in at 6 he will shower, cook and eat. This takes us to between 7/7:30 then he goes to sleep at 11 so he spends about 4 hours chilling out and watching TV

OP

I think this post makes the division of labour much clearer and you are being very reasonable!

Also - it's good that you got the idea of batch cooking from the thread, but if he is in charge of cooking, he could have thought of that for himself. And if he is in charge of cooking, why are you in charge of meal planning?

DotStripe · 21/09/2023 16:51

Is he Indian lol? I was speaking to my kids nanny who is Indian about her husband and she was saying how nice it was that my DH helps out when he gets home and she said that if he was Indian his mother would be always scolding me for tiring him out.

Your DH clearly does have a long and tiring day but I think it's fair he comes in and does the cooking (especially if he likes doing it). I'd help him out with the dishes though. Does he do all the meal planning and shopping as well?

Walkden · 21/09/2023 17:00

A lot of poses on this subject emphasise that both parties should have equal amount of leisure time.

If he is getting in at 7 that's a 14 hour day with cooking time after. I'm not surprised he has tired if he is then up until 11pm and leaving the house at 5am.

As pp have said batch cooking for when he gets in at 7 rather than 5 is an idea

caringcarer · 21/09/2023 17:03

If my MiL messaged me that I'd message right back keep your nose out of my marriage. I'd be bloody fuming. Luckily I get on very well with my MiL who knows her son has good points and less good points, and would never make comments on my marriage.

beachwhirl · 21/09/2023 19:10

Oh my goodness - am I the only one that thinks it is nuts not to take advantage Of working from home to do more chores! I wfh and my partner has very long hour and never wfh. I get as much done as possible (which means I do more) so that when we are at home in the evenings or at weekends we have actual time together and not him catching up with his share of the work. Wild.

MeridaBrave · 21/09/2023 19:11

What’s more relevant is that he is working 12/14 hour days. Doesn’t sound fair for him to also cook afterwards. Are you working the same hours? Could his chores be moved to the weekend. Batch cooking maybe? My personal view is that household chores should not be split 50:50, rather according to who has the time. How many hours a week are you working and what childcare responsibilities do you have? I do more housework than DH as I work 4 days a week and he works full time (DC at secondary school so neither of us have childcare responsibilities). We both work from home. I put washes on but he doesn’t.

But it should come from him and not his mum.

GretaGarbled · 21/09/2023 19:17

If he’s up at 5am and going to bed at 11pm he’s getting 6 hours sleep max. That’s what’s making him tired, not cooking tea. He needs to get to bed a bit earlier!

MamaBear4ever · 21/09/2023 19:18

We both partially WFH and have our assigned chores based on preference, he shops and cooks I clean stuff. But if I'm WFH and he's not I'll make the evening meal because he gets back too late. If his mum ever dared to interfer in our workload she would get told to do one !

Mummyneeds · 21/09/2023 19:20

I can sympathise here because my partner works long hours in a manual labour job, similar to your DP. Before DC was born housework used to be our biggest dispute. I did pretty much everything (cleaning, cooking, laundry…the lot). I had to often remind DP that even though he may work 50 odd hours a week, I still work full time and also deserve a rest, especially when it’s both of us living in the house and making a mess!! Yes I agree that you should probably do some light chores/ laundry whilst WFH, but it shouldn’t all fall on you. His mother should poke her nose back out of where is isn’t wanted. I can also sympathise as I have in laws who tend to overstep occasionally. I find that ignoring whatever comment they’ve made, and carrying on as I had always intended to (after having a moan about it to friends), generally helps and it’s soon forgotten about.

Redwinestillfine · 21/09/2023 19:29

Ignore his mum or send her a 😂reply. Then proceed as normal. If your DH has a problem he can raise it himself

GreenShadow · 21/09/2023 19:36

If I was out the house for 12-14 hours a day (having got up before 5am) and then expected to come home and cook, I would be pretty pissed off tbh. Likewise other domestic chores.

I think on the days you don't work, you should definitely be preparing dinner.

By all means divide everything 50/50 at the weekend, but when on partner works such long hours doing a physical job, please cut him some slack and let him put his feet up.

SheilaFentiman · 21/09/2023 19:42

GreenShadow · 21/09/2023 19:36

If I was out the house for 12-14 hours a day (having got up before 5am) and then expected to come home and cook, I would be pretty pissed off tbh. Likewise other domestic chores.

I think on the days you don't work, you should definitely be preparing dinner.

By all means divide everything 50/50 at the weekend, but when on partner works such long hours doing a physical job, please cut him some slack and let him put his feet up.

OP works 5 days a week, just three of them are at home.

30yearoldvirgin · 21/09/2023 20:07

Can’t his mum just make her little soldier some sandwiches and stick them in a little lunchbox for him, along with a babybel, a caprisun, and maybe a little snack size Milky Way if he’s been a good boy?

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