If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

[AnxiousAnniee]

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

Can you rephrase it in your mind, not that you do equal amounts of housework but that you have equal amounts of free time?
So if you are working 9-5 and he is working 7-7 then actually I do think you should be doing the vast majority in the week.
As others have said if he is good at cooking can he do more at the weekend and prep for the week?

I'm in exactly the same situation and I do 90% of the housework. DH knows that and does what he can but ultimately he's just not around as much, not a lot he can do. He does most of the driving if we go out as a group and does all the toddler nappies, bathtime etc. in the evening and weekends. But. It sucks. You shouldn't have to do it, he can manage one thing.

If budget allows, he could book Hello Fresh meals. 5x meals for two, delivered, is about £45. The meals take max 45 mins, lots are 20mins.

For some £45 per week is outside of their budget but I'd probably struggle to cook as freshly for two for that even at Aldi at this point the way food prices are going.

The only reason he actually does the cooking is because if he didn't he wouldn't eat. He doesn't do the clear up or wash pots which is also part of his task. He is a lazy git in the home who is leaving everything he can put off till the op does it because it isn't time critical and doesn't affect him the same.

Op don't offer to swap tasks because you know he won't do it. He'll jump at the idea of batch cooking but never do it either, then you'll end up responsible for sorting the food out on those nights.

I don’t necessarily agree that the aim should be equal leisure time. They are partners not married. How are finances arranged? If they split, they are not entitled to the other persons savings. If the DP is working additional hours and saving more, is it really fair that the OP does extra work around the house which means he has more time to work, build his career and safe more???

If he is too tired to cook every evening there are far more appropriate solutions rather than the OP taking on more. Generally I think whoever wfh should be able to do things like enable the laundry to be done during the week rather than on the weekend, take in parcels, make admin phone calls and let in tradies but that’s it. Everything else should be split evenly.

If he was single how would he manage? Surely then he would have to do it all.

Personally I’d drop the lunchtime housework and take up an hour of daily fitness in that hour. Maybe a run or a yoga YouTube vid and a hiit video and weights. Then when he gets in you can both do an hour or whatever of housework together. I’d do this every single lunch break.

If the ‘he’s got a physical job’ comes up you can say ‘ he’s very lucky as he doesn’t have to fit an hour of exercise in every day like I do to keep fit, it would be lovely to do exercise at work etc etc’. Also ‘good job he’s not single at least we get to split the tasks’.

Isn’t the MN mantra “equal leisure time”? Which has always seemed right to me.

I think wfh is a bit of a red herring, as this can vary so much. I partly wfh and absolutely have time to stick on a wash, tidy a bit and I clean the kitchen while on certain work calls (I actually focus better if I’m not simultaneously checking other emails!). When DH works from home, he barely has time to go to the loo between calls some days so I certainly wouldn’t expect someone with that sort of role to fit in housework too.

Equal leisure time should include anything in the working day tho. If you clock on at 9 and finish at 5, that's out. If you read a book, watch a movie or do the laundry in-between work calls, that's separate imo to off-work leisure time. Where it kicks in for WFH is the commute. DH would save two hours a day. I'd expect him to pick up more chores then he does not

Maybe I have lower standards of house cleanliness, or cook way more elaborate meals than some 😂

On the days that he comes home late at like 7 then yeah I do stick something in for dinner then. It's something something in the oven though. He likes proper meals, even when I do these oven meals he will come in and add stuff to it. Start chipping onions and making his own sauce etc. He actively likes cooking. He has not once complained about it.

His mum knows that the ONLY thing he does is cook so I was shocked that she has asked me to also take this on. That's why I wanted other peoples opinions to see what other people in similar situations do. When I say clean the kitchen I just mean clean after himself. He will cook but leave everything out. So then I have to ask him can you put all of the stuff away and just wipe the sauce off the counter etc because I would just do this as I go along if it was me. I don't think that's unreasonable, but again I'm interested hearing other people's views on this

In terms of leisure time, if he gets in at 6 he will shower, cook and eat. This takes us to between 7/7:30 then he goes to sleep at 11 so he spends about 4 hours chilling out and watching TV

I would get the definite ICK from him running to mummy and her texting me.

He may not have done that.

My MIL did this off her own bat - told me DH shouldn't have to get up at 6 with the toddler every day just because I was doing 4 night wakings with the (breastfed) baby. My DH had nothing to do with it.

Yanbu.

I wfh and do 99% of housework and all kid related stuff when dh not here.
But i CHOOSE to do this. It's not expected at all

Maybe you could do the cooking one night a week?
I used to lack confidence in cooking because my husband was better than me but I got a slow cooker and now I try out different recipes without have to worry about timing stuff, just chop and prepare and put it in the pot - you could do this during your breaks during the day when wfh and set the timer for when he gets in. Also why not have a night off for both of you and get a takeaway for one night ? If your budget allows it .

@AnxiousAnniee

Plus she is just generally involved.

I would just ignore her this time but, as is likely, she brings this up again, you can reply something like "actually this works well for both DH and me, but thank you for your opinion".

Perhaps mention lightly to your husband that she's made this comment so he's aware when she tells him she's been hurt by your response to her helpful suggestion. 🌹

To me, working from home here is a red herring, except for the fact that you have no commute time. So you work 3 days, no commute - how many hours is that? With his commute he's working 12 - 14 hours a day - how many days?

"Fair" then seems to be proportionate to that.

MIL interfering is an entirely different matter.

Some Pp are saying YABU and others are saying YANBU
Regardless you keep telling us that your DH is fine with the set up and you don’t want to change it.
so why do our or your MILs opinions matter

It's weird that his mum asks but the current divide seems unfair. We see it all as equal work but you're working far less hours so should do far more housework surely!

I work 35 hours DH works 50, he commutes so that makes his 'work week' about 57 hours. I commute once a week so my work week is 37 hours. Clearly I should do more nothing to do with gender or income.

@itsallnewnow so then how is the set up that we have unfair? The set up that we have is that he does the cooking and occasionally washes up if he can be bothered. I do everything else. Are you saying it would only be fair if I do 100% of the work?

@Maplestars because it made me wonder what other people do and I wanted opinions on the topic

No of course not but he's cooking every night of the week and as you said all kitchen stuff I assume washing up too!
What are you doing the two days a week you don't work that aren't the weekend (assuming you both have weekends off)

Do you have kids? Maybe I missed that! If you're looking after small children that changes my answer lol

Batch cooking is a good suggestion. Nice proper meals ready to go make it easier/better for both of you.

Also we have long haired cat and I thoroughly recommend a decent robo hoover!! It's been life changing for us

Do you work in the office the other two days or do you work part time?

YANBU, but it does appear that a large proportion of your housework is cat-related! Does he actually like the cats or are they more for your benefit? In which case they need to come out of the equation.

@itsallnewnow yeah but the point that you're making is that I should do the majority of the housework.. and I do. It's up to him what he cooks. He can bang in chicken nuggets and chips in the oven if he wants. Or beans on toast. When he is home later than 6 I cook. I work 5 days a week, three of them from home 2 of them from the office. Latest I finish is 6.

I go for a walk in the morning before work to get my exercise in. On my 30 min lunch break I make my food, eat, wash up (usually have pots left from the night before that I wash too), put a load of washing in.

After work I take out the laundry that has finished and put it all on the radiators cos we don't have a dryer. Hoover because cats, usually the washing from the day before is now dry so I take that off the radiators before putting the fresh load on so I'll put all the dry washing away (the worst job!). Then I will clean the litter trays. If I am in the office the next day I will make my lunch. Brush through my cats fur, do a general tidy of things. We have a kitten so I have to take some time to sit and play with her and give her attention. I have driving lessons a couple of times a week which isn't a household task but people are talking about free time so thought I'd mention it.

Then not every day but other duties that might need to be done on a weekday if I don't get to do them at the weekend, clean the bathroom, dust, do the bins, change the bed sheets, I could go on.

But SURELY to the people saying I am being unreasonable don't honestly think that?? How could I possibly be any fairer than this? He just cooks because he enjoys it. I don't enjoy cleaning the bog or fishing out cat turds. I do it to keep it fair but people still think that it must be so tough for him to come home and do one thing.

I text him earlier about the batch cooking and he thinks it's a good idea anyway so we will be doing that and hopefully now his mum will be happy

WFH saves a lot of travelling / commuting time. I think in a team time is like money: everyone should be able to enjoy the same amount of ‘disposable’, more or less.

If my DH was WFH a lot of the time, using a greater proportion of our utilities, heating etc, and having an extra 2 hours a day due to not travelling to work, and wasn’t a bit helpful / flexible about jobs that can be fitted in , I would be a bit miffed.