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Original poster

If you WFH should you do more housework than your DP who doesn't WFH?

286 replies

AnxiousAnniee · 21/09/2023 08:55

My view is this: you both live in the house and therefore it is a shared responsibility. Whether you work from home or not, whether you work 60 hours a week or 6, it is both people's responsibility.

I work from home 3 days a week and my partner doesn't WFH ever. I naturally do more housework just because I'm home I can do some washing and wash the pots on my lunch or do a hoover etc. However I still expect some jobs to be done by him. It has always been agreed that he is in charge of kitchen duties so cooking, washing the pots, cleaning the kitchen. I do everything else.

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in? I'm gobsmacked and fuming a bit, but also don't know if I'm being unreasonable. If I took on the cooking as well I would basically be doing absolutely everything. I do get that I sit at my desk all day but I'm still working. My partner has a manual labour job so granted it is more tiring and strenuous but I still hold the belief that he owns this house too and should do his share. Or is my attitude wrong here and seeing as he works long hours am I being unfair? He leaves for work at 5am and gets home anywhere between 5 and 7 so they are long days. I would just kind of resent the fact that we both work yet all of the housework is left to me. I hate cooking and I'm bad at it, he loves it and is a brilliant cook which is why we have always had this arrangement and have always been happy with it. He has never complained about cooking but his mums comment has made me feel a bit bad

OP posts:
zeibesaffron · 21/09/2023 20:12

YANBU literally the only job he does is cook and he likes that!! I think you are very reasonable to be honest!!

You also cook when he is going to be late in!! Tell your MiL to but out!!

felisha54 · 21/09/2023 20:15

I wfh 3 days a week and dh can't wfh. He also has 1.5 hours of commute each day. I think you should work as a team. I do more because I have 1.5 hours more at home than him. I do all the meal prep and cooking. He will come home and start hoovering or cleaning the bathroom. Nether of us sit down until the kitchen is clean and house is generally tidy.

LoobyDop · 21/09/2023 20:19

Why does he work 50 hours a week? Is it a contractual requirement? Because if not, he needs to be more assertive about managing his work/life balance so he can pull his weight around the house. Or is he choosing to do that because it’s actually easier to put the hours in at work and let you do all the housework?

I think when you’re wfh it’s reasonable to do the laundry. It only takes ten minutes to put a load on and then hang it up to dry, but it’s difficult to get it all done if you’ve only got evenings and weekends. Not the rest of it, though- you’re working! I’ve noticed, and colleagues have said the same, that my breaks when I’m in the office are far better than when I’m at home because I actually take a break. On wfh days I run around trying to get domestic jobs done.

If I were you though, OP, I’d have taken advantage of the interference from your MiL to tell her to fuck right off and mind her own fucking business.

MrsHHHHHH · 21/09/2023 20:34

Oooh my MIL (outlaw) would be told to FO!

MrsHHHHHH · 21/09/2023 20:46

I’d say you’re definitely doing the lions share and then some.

Cooking meals is one thing , but suspect he isn’t doing the food shopping to facilitate the cooking, and isn’t involved in what is bought (assumption on my part as my DH does eff all here in that respect. Last time he cooked for me is when I’d been admitted to hospital and physically couldn’t!), therefore the level of planning prepping etc is massively reduced.

We all know that running a house IS a pretty time consuming ‘job’ and more often than not falls to the wife etc, as is deemed the norm.

Picking up after your DH makes you start to feel like their parent not their partner. He has got it easy imho.

As for MIL getting involved, mine would be swiftly told to FO!

I WFH 5/5 days a week, do all child related tasks including all school runs, all life admin, appointments, shopping cooking the list goes on. I feel your pain…….

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 21/09/2023 20:50

You both work full time.
You should have a 50/50 split in housework/cooking/shopping/cleaning.

So yes I agree with you, he is doing ONE thing. And yes it’s very little.
And no, there is no reason why you should also take on that job. Mummy should remember her ds is a grown man who’d had to do all the cooking, cleaning, tidying etc… if he was living in his own, regardless if how tired he is. That’s called being an adult.

Kwasi · 21/09/2023 20:51

His working days are 12-14 hours long. How long are yours? When DH was doing hours like this, he had breakfast cooked for him and dinner waiting for him when he got home.

if he loves cooking, could he not batch cook at the weekend?

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 21/09/2023 20:52

felisha54 · 21/09/2023 20:15

I wfh 3 days a week and dh can't wfh. He also has 1.5 hours of commute each day. I think you should work as a team. I do more because I have 1.5 hours more at home than him. I do all the meal prep and cooking. He will come home and start hoovering or cleaning the bathroom. Nether of us sit down until the kitchen is clean and house is generally tidy.

But that’s what the OP does.

Except mummy thinks she should ALSO do the cooking in the top of everything else that the OP’s DH doesn’t do - unlike yours….

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 21/09/2023 20:55

I dint agree with the ‘he should have his dinner waiting fir him because he does such long hours’.

Because the reality is that those long hours will ALSO be the reason why he can’t push the hoover around in the evening, put a load to wash or clean the bathroom.
And guess who will end up doing it all?

If the comment is that working 12~14 hours a day is shit. Well yes it is. But housework still needs to be done….

Isometimeswonder · 21/09/2023 21:07

If one person commutes and the other doesn't because they're wfh, maybe the person at home could do a bit more?

KeepTheTempo · 21/09/2023 21:59

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 21/09/2023 20:50

You both work full time.
You should have a 50/50 split in housework/cooking/shopping/cleaning.

So yes I agree with you, he is doing ONE thing. And yes it’s very little.
And no, there is no reason why you should also take on that job. Mummy should remember her ds is a grown man who’d had to do all the cooking, cleaning, tidying etc… if he was living in his own, regardless if how tired he is. That’s called being an adult.

But he's working 50 hours plus 5 days of commuting. She's doing 40 hours plus 3 days of commuting.

If they split 50/50 on weekdays, she'll be getting an extra 9 to 18 hours of extra weekday leisure time. MIL should never have said anything, but if I were OP's DH, I'd be saying something directly.

UsingChangeofName · 21/09/2023 22:37

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in?

Shock Shock Shock

I mean, even if you were being unreasonable, this ^ is incredibly unreasonable and you seem to be just accepting this as if it is reasonable.

To answer your title / question - as a rule, yes, you probably can do more housework as you don't have a commute on those 3 days, and things like unloading the dishwasher when waiting for the kettle to boil is your dishwasher and not the office one. I will often prep some veg or hang some washing out in the equivalent minutes that I might be sitting in the staff room if in an office.

All that said, working 11 - 13 hours a day, building, is ridiculous.
I don't know what the answer is. No, you shouldn't be doing it all but I do think it is a big ask to get home after 12 - 14 hours out the house, most of which is doing physical work.

You need to talk with each other. Maybe batch cooking is the answer. Maybe there is a different way.

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 22/09/2023 01:03

Maxiedog123 · 21/09/2023 09:13

Are you sure your MIL isn't just doing this off her own bat, I've noticed that some older people really dont understand that you are still expected to work when WFH.

This was my thought and exactly what my MIL would have done. All it would have taken would be my dh mentioning he's shattered, that I work from home and that he cooks as unrelated comments, potentially not even in the same conversation, and she'd string them all together and ask me to take some of the burden off of her baby boy with him having no idea she'd asked (and it not being what he wanted!)

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 22/09/2023 06:07

How about hiring a cleaner, out sourcing the laundry,get a gardener,then on his weekend he can do some cooking batch cook make dump bags etc.Then you could just pop a dump bag in the slow cooker or shove a tray bake in the oven from the freezer? By the way his mum should shut up too!!! Our house runs like this,we out source most things to free us both up.It means cutting back on some stuff to pay for it but its worth it.

smallshinybutton · 22/09/2023 06:14

The joy of wfh is you can use the commute/lunch hour to get a bit of the housework done but no it doesn't mean you should do all the hosuework

smallshinybutton · 22/09/2023 06:15

UsingChangeofName · 21/09/2023 22:37

His mum messaged me today saying she's worried about how tired he is and could I start doing the cooking to help him out so that he can have a rest when he gets in?

Shock Shock Shock

I mean, even if you were being unreasonable, this ^ is incredibly unreasonable and you seem to be just accepting this as if it is reasonable.

To answer your title / question - as a rule, yes, you probably can do more housework as you don't have a commute on those 3 days, and things like unloading the dishwasher when waiting for the kettle to boil is your dishwasher and not the office one. I will often prep some veg or hang some washing out in the equivalent minutes that I might be sitting in the staff room if in an office.

All that said, working 11 - 13 hours a day, building, is ridiculous.
I don't know what the answer is. No, you shouldn't be doing it all but I do think it is a big ask to get home after 12 - 14 hours out the house, most of which is doing physical work.

You need to talk with each other. Maybe batch cooking is the answer. Maybe there is a different way.

I think this is an excellent way to look at it

Mrsmouse71 · 22/09/2023 06:41

How many hours do you wfh? If you only do 3 days couldn’t you cook something simple for one night?

Mble · 22/09/2023 06:49

The fact that his mother rang you about it, is the problem here.

Mumto6ac · 22/09/2023 07:12

Have you actually had a conversation with him about whether he needs you to help him out or if he’s happy with the way things are??
sometimes mums just jump to conclusions, especially if they’ve been brought up in an age where the woman does the household chores

pollyglot · 22/09/2023 07:37

You WFH three days a week. Is that it? 2 days at the office as well?

smallshinybutton · 22/09/2023 07:38

Mble · 22/09/2023 06:49

The fact that his mother rang you about it, is the problem here.

I agree - if he has an issue he needs to communicate

scottishGirl · 22/09/2023 07:39

Could he batch cook at the weekend and then during the week on nights he is home late it just needs reheated? Honestly, if I had been out the door 5am -7pm the last thing I would want to do is cook a full meal / deal with all the washing up. Batch cooking would mean less washing up too on the nights it is eaten. If I batch cook certain things I may need to cook fresh some things on the day to go with it. Eg if I batch cook curry I then cook rice fresh on the day. Maybe you could start that off when he's on his way home on the nights he's not home til 7.

If batch cooking doesn't work - could you do some of the prep during the day? Eg chop veg.

I appreciate you do everything else, but I do think that working a manual job for that many hours must be really tiring and if that was me, I would try and help him out a bit, while still keeping the task as his overall.

Blanca87 · 22/09/2023 07:43

So who would do his cooking and cleaning if he lived on his own?

DinnaeFashYersel · 22/09/2023 07:49

He's confusing wfh with sah and getting his mummy to intervene is pathetic

smallshinybutton · 22/09/2023 07:50

DinnaeFashYersel · 22/09/2023 07:49

He's confusing wfh with sah and getting his mummy to intervene is pathetic

Did he though? Or is she just stirring

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