Don't know what to do pregnant and my husband says unhappy with sex life

[amyLF24]

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Given your lastest update - it looks like @RomComPhooey and @IsThePopeCatholic called his next step.
He married you without asking for 3somes- waiting till you are vulnerable and ‘tied’ - made a shocking request and now is asking for a lesser request - to try and make you think it’s not that bad by comparison
Manipulative
The way he has worded the issue - as if it’s your issue to solve
Really worried for you - is this coercive control
What is he like as a father to his two?
after being in a controlling relationship- I thank my lucky stars I never got pregnant with my Ex. I would be terrified to be tied to my ex.

But as someone who struggled with r fertility in my early 30’s I can empathise with the pressure of this much longed for pregnancy.

If Carlsberg did absolutely vile arseholes……. LTB.

congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it’s very enjoyable xx

Given your lastest update - it looks like @RomComPhooey and @IsThePopeCatholic called his next step.
He married you without asking for 3somes- waiting till you are vulnerable and ‘tied’ - made a shocking request and now is asking for a lesser request - to try and make you think it’s not that bad by comparison
Manipulative
The way he has worded the issue - as if it’s your issue to solve
Really worried for you - is this coercive control

please don’t dance to his tune OP. I would never be able to sleep with him again.

It comes down to the fact that he was trying to wear you down so you would do what he wanted sexually. Probably a key factor in his first marriage failing, although I am sure he would deny this. I had an ex like this (didnt last long as my hard NO was taken eventually seriously) and he put it like he just wanted to experiment and I was boring and not adventurous enough. Tried to neg me into proving I wasnt by doing what he wanted. Didnt work, as I said, but there were times when it did have me questioning myself. I was a lot younger then.

Now you are pregnant, the thing he thought (hoped?) wouldnt happen, and he has realised that it is unlikely you will fold to his demands so has upped the ante....which is bascially "If you dont do it then I will have to open up our marriage to include other people and it will be all your fault". Its blackmail.

I would keep the baby and accept that your marriage will not survive. He is heading full pelt into mid life crisis territory anyway, plus there is a second family on the way AND he has a sexual preference that isnt compatible with yours. I am sorry but I would spend your pregnancy future proofing as much as you can for you and your baby on the basis that he will not be in that future.

I would be very suspicious of the timing.
The moment you are realising that you will be financialy reliant on him, is the time he drops a massive bombshell. It all sounds dodgy as hell and very manipulative to me.
I am hearing from him, you have what you want, now give me what I want.
Couldn't look at him the same again.

Is this a typical pattern OP? Something happens that makes you happy, suddenly he's not happy with you life and you things need to change? My initial thoughts was to wonder if this behaviour from him is the Cycle Of Abuse and either the start or continuation of coercive control.

You've been together however many years, TTC for 2yrs and now you have, suddenly sex with you is too vanilla for him. Strange that. All that time he could have said something in the past and didn't. Strange that it's such a Big Deal for him, yet instead of having a conversation with you about possibly trying to change things or questioning whether he was in a compatible relationship, he acted like all was fine all those years and even planned on having a child with you.

I call bullshit on that and suspect some kind of shitty streak is coming to the fore, like he knows you're going to be sore and tired after the birth so he's laying the foundations for having an affair. Or he thinks you're trapped now you're pregnant, so he can do whatever he likes and you'll tolerate it to avoid being a single parent.

Quite frankly, I'd be hurt, insulted and I'd dump him either to become a single parent or have an abortion, depending on how I felt about the pregnancy and it being his child. If a partner considered sex with me boring, I'd expect it to be either discussed at the start of a relationship or better yet, accepted as an incompatibility and for us to split. Coming up with that information just after I'd discovered I was pregnant wouldn't be something I could tolerate, it's nasty IMO. A personal insult of telling you you're not good enough, at a time you're going to be feeling vulnerable. It's not the behaviour of someone who loves you.

Why isn't he celebrating the pregnancy with you? Why is his primary thought not hey I'm going to be a dad and I'm so happy? Why is "hey we're going to be parents at last!" being met with "god our sex life is boring, let's sleep with other people"?

Guarantee he doesn't mean a threesome with another man! Maybe suggest this to him and see his reaction. More often than not they expect you to bend sexually but won't do the same. Maybe put the idea in his head that if you need to suddenly be attracted to the same sex so does he and he might go off the idea.

I would dump him and book a termination.

Gosh, yes, this! People should say this more often. When I was younger I didn't even think it was possible. I thought babies had to have their father's surname. Unless perhaps you didn't know who he was, if he was a one night stand and you couldn't track him down via mutual friends.

It is difficult because you feel unable to talk to family or friends because you don't want to taint how they see your partner

I had this thought when deciding whether to leave my ex. I was the boiled frog and didn't know he was abusive, it crept up on me so gradually. Then one day it escalated.

I thought the same as you, that I couldn't tell most people, because if I decided to stay they wouldn't understand and would be angry with him. Luckily (for me, not them!) I had a few friends who had been in abusive relationships, so they were the ones I told and asked advice from because I knew they'd understand and not judge me.

Years later I can see that thought of yours for what it is, OP. It's twisted thinking. If telling something about him to your friends and family would make them angry with him, why is that? It's because they're angry at the way he's treating you and they know you don't deserve it (nobody deserves it). The twisted thinking has us doubting ourselves. Not that we consciously think we deserve bad treatment necessarily, but that we question whether we're being reasonable and whether we're in the right. Others who aren't caught up in the relationship and aren't experiencing the twisted thinking can see so obviously that we're definitely right and totally reasonable. That's why they'd be angry.

So I flip it round and now I have it as a marker. If someone does something questionable, I think would I be happy to tell my friends and family about this or would it make them angry with him/the situation? If it would make them angry, I walk away, because it's a marker that he is treating me badly.

What kind of weirdo wants other men shagging their pregnant wife?

The kind who is happy to effectively pimp her out, his payment being that he gets to shag the other man's partner.

Swinging is not something that should ever be done reluctantly or to appease someone else OP.

Your feelings are what to focus on here. In a relationship you should be feeling loved, safe, secure, contentment. Instead he's got you feeling anxious, stressed, confused, questioning yourself.

As far as bastard goes, he is the real deal. He won't tell you to abort to your face. He has already cheated or will in a short while. You are not his partner you are his thing, and all of a sudden you have agency. You are alone in this boat. And speak up, the second everyone knows he will either fess up and face reality or he will finally take off the nice guy mask for everyone not just you privately. He wants you to abort, he also wants out. Now what do you want? Because, you are the one who gets to make decisions at this point, not him. None of what he is saying makes sense. You ahve been wanting something for 2 years, now that you have it he wants to degrade you and also if possible to get you to get rid of it. That is sadistic. I would make him leave. He is breaking the rules of marriage, (at the exclusion of all other) and this is only the beginning.

He's trying to manipulate you into getting what he wants sexually. If you say "no" to the swinging/threesome (which will only be with another woman obviously) he will sulk and say he's not getting fulfillment so therefore you must do other stuff that makes you uncomfortable because he's not satisfied. You being satisfied or comfortable doesn't matter btw, it will only be about his penis. It's a long form of sexual coercion to get what he wants totally regardless of what you want. And he's waited, deliberately, until you feel that you're unable to leave and in a very physically vulnerable position before dropping this on you. He is a pig OP. Please don't have a baby with him, or don't stay with him if you keep it. This will only get worse once the baby is there. At the very best he is setting you up for him to cheat while you are heavily pregnant or with a young baby and then blame you because he told you beforehand and he's not getting his "needs" met blah blah blah. Men like this are all so predictably, tragically, abusively the same.

How is this helpful?

Good grief! Poor OP is pregnant, vulnerable, shocked and deeply unhappy. She has come here hoping for support and advice and all some posters can do is sneer because she mentioned that she is female! Have they never/said done something a bit daft when under extreme stress?
So sorry that you are in this situation, OP. In your shoes I would divorce asap. I hope you reach whatever decision is best for you and that you find the happiness you deserve.

In your second trimester, you'll be as horny as hell. If he's not satisfied with a rampant woman, and insists on jeopardising his unborn child, then leave him, claim maintenance, and get on with your own life. I cannot imagine a truly loving relationship that requires a third party.

Exactly

I am not clear on why you can’t support yourself. Have you always depended on others to look after you? Do you have a disability that means you can’t take on adult responsibilities?

I would work on that aspect quickly. As an adult, men and women should be able to support themselves and not live off of other people. That is part of adulting.

You still have most of a year before the baby is born. Find a job or upgrade your skills or get a better job. You aren’t a plant or a pet or a child - you should be able to live independently as an adult. You are now having your own child who you also have financial responsibilities for. If you can’t look after yourself, how will you look after a child as well?

I find this viewpoint really unrealistic in today's world? Where I live, a 2-3 bedroom home costs almost as much to rent as a nurses take home salary. So, you could have a reasonable job as a nurse, which requires a degree, and a decent amount of confidence, yet still find it impossible to support yourself and 'adult' as you say. If you have kids to support then you have pretty much no chance. A lot of men I know, who typically have higher wages, would also struggle without having a second income coming into the household. Single people in their 20s that I know of are having to live at home with their parents even though they work full time in above minimum wage jobs. Women I know in very unhappy marriages, with take homes of between £2-3k per month, are staying put as their wages wouldn't even cover bills, let alone allow them to live.

What planet are you living on? Does everyone you know earn £50k plus and is therefore able to 'adult'? Because that's really what it takes to fund any kind of lifestyle where I live (not even London).

This. I couldn’t get past this.

You can have your child alone. Normally abusers reveal their true colours once they ‘have you vulnerable on them’ eg married, moved in and most commonly pregnant.

If you continue in this relationship, you will never have a clean break from him, he most likely will get 50/50 custody of the child etc

So get some counselling for yourself and make decisions for you.
For me he’s telling you, that you are an object not a person with feelings to be used for his and others sexual gratification and I wouldn’t be surprised if he uses it as an excuse to cheat - either way you need to have both eyes firmly on you and your health and not one eye always watching what he is up to.

'Ah well I have the solution for you - divorce - because I'd rather bring this baby up alone than do that, or stay with a man who waits two years to announce this and decides to share this info 6 weeks after I successfully concieve... get out. Don't let the door hit your arse.'

Swinging, multiple partners etc etc - nowt wrong with it at all if thats your thing - but its a 'before you get into a long term relationship' conversation, not an 'after you get married and get someone pregnant' sort of thing.

Age 32 and female. Not bra size.

Why is he telling you this now and putting you under all this stress? :(

Do you know his ex partner / wife? I’d imagine the relationship broke down for similar reasons. This man is telling you who he is, believe him.

As for what I’d do in your situation. In your shoes, having had a few rounds of ivf myself to have my one and only dd, and knowing this may be your only pregnancy, I would continue with the pregnancy. I would dump him though. Go to your parents if they can offer you love and support.

He’s broken and can’t be fixed.
I’m so sorry OP.

Lol. Was wondering why she mentioned the bra size 😂 I got the 32 female but I can see abbreviations can be confusing.

Try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy OP. Hopefully he will change with the baby but be prepared for anything

keep your baby and dump the man. You’ll get financial help from the government depending on income. Don’t let this guy just go ahead with this when you’re clearly not on board with this.