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Original poster

Don't know what to do pregnant and my husband says unhappy with sex life

253 replies

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 21:13

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 21/09/2023 06:24

He knows that the baby is going to have a big effect on your sex life for a while and he's panicking. Men are truly repulsive creatures who only care about their dick.

Keep your baby OP, set some firm boundaries and be ready to bin him. You'll find a way to cope, start looking at what benefits could be claimed.

hurlyb · 21/09/2023 06:25

Yep. You've got yourself a dud. I separated
from xh when my two were very small and even with him paying pretty generously every month, it's been an exhausting slog.

I would never have chosen this. Please think so carefully about whether he will support your child (emotionally, financially, whatever) as an xh as that is where this is going. How is he with his other two?

Wallywobbles · 21/09/2023 06:31

My ExH did the same. Turns out he was already cheating. And he only really likes anal. Happily now divorced and remarried to someone who doesn't push my boundaries at every opportunity.

He brought me nothing but misery and 2 DC. With hindsight this conversation should have been the end of my relationship with him.

Interested in this thread?

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Museya15 · 21/09/2023 06:37

Dont think id ever get over that conversation if im honest.

BananaSplitX · 21/09/2023 07:00

What would you do? Leave ! Immediately .

Blinkingbonkers · 21/09/2023 07:01

I think you need to prepare yourself to do this pregnancy and raise your baby alone. This man is sadly not with you for life, or even to raise a child- he’s already putting his wants above you both entirely.

loislovesstewie · 21/09/2023 07:08

Run for the hills. I'm really not the sort of person who says that, but in your shoes I wouldn't stay. If you can pack your bags today and go , then do just that. This will not get better. He will nag you into doing things he wants whether swinging or whatever, he will probably be resentful of the baby because he can't just do what he wants, and you will return here in months/years saying how awful he is. Being by yourself and content is better than that.

Channellingsophistication · 21/09/2023 07:08

I’m sorry you are in this situation and it’s spoiling what should be a really happy time for you. It feels to me like now you are slightly vulnerable ie pregnant that he is looking to reset the boundaries of your marriage. it doesn’t seem very loving doing this…. If he is feeling this way now, what will he be like when you are 6 months pregnant and when you have a 6 month old baby etc…

It doesn’t feel like he really is on board with this child, which I can understand to an extent as he’s done it already and is older but he hasn’t been honest with you. Is he going to pitch in with the childcare or is he going to leave it all to you?

I definitely think you should have this child, but I’m not sure that your future lies with this man.

converseandjeans · 21/09/2023 07:11

@LovelyBitOfSquirrrel

He sounds awful but sorry why does your bra size matter?

I think 32F means age 32 Female!

RabbitsRock · 21/09/2023 07:13

LovelyBitOfSquirrel 32F means a 32 year old female!

RabbitsRock · 21/09/2023 07:13

Sorry just noticed someone else has already posted about 32F

Viviennemary · 21/09/2023 07:14

It's a silly phase of daft men's fantasies. Tell him to grow up. Then ignore and say you are just not interested in that kind of thing.

Malificent1 · 21/09/2023 07:17

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 23:32

@Clymene yes he is older by 12 years. I mean he did mention at points in our relationship because I didn't like doing certain things sexually but I never thought it was a major issue as why else would you go ahead with marriage. We have been together five years, married one. He has said to me that well you don't realise these things are an issue as you are happy and then time goes on. Now he has said maybe sleeping with other people is a symptom of the issue rather than what he would like. So something like being dominatrix/submissive kind of thing. I just said it seems like I have to change to what you want. I am so confused and now very very stressed.

Ah. He is trying to force you to do the shit he’s watched in porn, and wants you under no illusion that if you don’t then he will look elsewhere. And he has waited until you’re pregnant, vulnerable and “trapped” to announce this. What a prince.

converseandjeans · 21/09/2023 07:17

Agree with everyone else. He has waited until you are 6 weeks pregnant to announce this. It seems unkind & also weird. Is he expecting you to start swinging in early pregnancy?

I would be interested to know what happened with his ex when she was pregnant.

I would go it alone. Spend 8 months now getting set up & earn as much cash as possible.

babyproblems · 21/09/2023 07:18

Sorry what???!! He’s said that to you at 6 weeks pregnant?? You seem somewhat calm about it. Does he often say things like this?? He’s not your partner. He’s a twat. I’d be telling him I’m concerned about whether I want to parent with such a ‘man’…

MariaVT65 · 21/09/2023 07:27

Sorry this would be a huge red flag for me. Is it possible he’s just felt under pressure from mostly having sex for the purpose of trying to conceive, which isn’t always fun, but that’s no excuse for what he has proposed. I would also not trust him not bring back STIs.

I would suggest he has some counselling. If he isn’t willing to or isn’t willing to change his mind, then sadly I think this would be the end of the relationship.

Maatandosiris · 21/09/2023 07:33

FlowerPower12345 · 20/09/2023 21:38

32F means she's 32 and female.

Show quote history

I did wonder about bra size too!! Of course she’s female she’s pregnant so it seemed a completely superfluous thing to say.

But I suspect he’s having a massive freak out about the pregnancy and this is some weird attempt to push the OP away. She needs to decide whether it’s a blip she can ignore.

herewegoagainfriends · 21/09/2023 07:35

You're not going to stay in a happy relationship with him.

  1. You could keep the baby, but you would have to raise it as a single parent, with that idiot as its father.

  2. You could terminate, but due to your low fertility, you might not have a baby again where you were the biological mother.

Which future sounds better to you? No judgement either way, but realistically, those are your two choices. It sounds like being a mum is incredibly important to you, so I suspect you're leaning towards being a single mother.

RiderofRohan · 21/09/2023 07:36

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 21:49

@Ollifer yes to be honest the second conversation happened tonight and I was so angry but I tried to remain calm as he said he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it as he knows it will upset me and he doesn't have a solution. And he doesn't have many friends to confide in about this. But I was like well it doesn't feel like we have come to a resolution and I don't want you bringing this up in another two weeks time so now I'm in limbo.

The solution is he stops watching so much porn.

Sorry but this is despicable behaviour. DH hasn't even tried to touch me since we conceived (active sex life before that)- he's freaked out about doing anything that might hurt the baby. The fact your DH is happy to bring strangers into your sex life shows how much he cares.

Amanteani · 21/09/2023 07:36

My ex totally changed once I got pregnant. He had suggested it (I already had an 11 and 9 yr old) and I thought it was a sign of love, so I stopped taking the pill. I was pregnant straight away. He became very critical of everything I said/did almost straight away and, with hindsight, it was the start of coercive control. I seriously considered an abortion (behind his back) but I just couldn't go through with it. Things got worse and worse. What he's asking is appalling. I don't think it's that unusual that some totally immature men become threatened by pregnancy. This is a clear warning sign. I don't wish I'd aborted my third child, but I do wish that I'd had the courage to leave much sooner. Once they're in control and the baby is born it escalates...

whatamess100 · 21/09/2023 07:37

Oh wow, I've heard some crazy thing in my life, but that is just bloody awful. Does he want you to have sex with other men while 6 weeks pregnant? Surely not?

Id be tempted to call his bluff and say way ok, I'd love dave from down the roads big cock, ive been feeling unsattified by you for a long time, he would soon change his mind. Bastard.

In all seriousness, you can stay with him at alllllll. He's probably had or going to have multiple affairs. What a vile disrespectful pig to even think it nevernind say the words outloud. Also to add there are benifits you can get, maintance ect you CAN leave him/ kick him out and you WILL be able to afford baby on your own.

I also dont agree with what other posters have said, dont get rid of the baby is could be your only chance. Being a single mum really isn't that bad, its hard yes but you can do it!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/09/2023 07:38

If I were you OP I'd terminate the pregnancy and end the marriage. I'd tell my friends, family and anyone else who'd listen exactly what he's asked me to do and why I'm divorcing him.

Then I'd go and meet someone who treats me with love and respect and never look back.

endofthelinefinally · 21/09/2023 07:42

As soon as you said he has 2 children already, the red flags multiplied.
He will not be there to support you or parent his child with you.
You should get rid of him. He just wants to use you for sex (along with other people by the sound of it).
Your choice really is whether to leave him and terminate the pregnancy or leave him and have the baby on your own.
I am sorry. You deserve better.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 21/09/2023 07:43

Leave him, men aren’t complex creatures with hidden depths and needs they’re as shallow as a puddle on a hot day. He wants to shag around & now your vulnerable he thinks he can manipulate you.

See a lawyer.

Joeylove88 · 21/09/2023 07:43

Wow your H is a right treat isn't he! OP if you want this baby then don't let anything stop you especially if you are worried this could be your only chance. I think the priority should be you looking after yourself as these first months of pregnancy can be tough and your body is going through alot. Your H is utterly selfish to be putting all of this on you at what should be a very happy and special time. You come first, then take your time to process what's been said and how you feel and you can make a decision about your relationship when you feel ready. What matters most is the little life growing inside you, but pregnancy aside, if my H was telling me he wanted to sleep with other people I don't think I could carry on in that relationship anymore. My trust in him would be broken.

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