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Original poster

Don't know what to do pregnant and my husband says unhappy with sex life

253 replies

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 21:13

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/09/2023 23:18

Give the baby your maiden name when registering, so at least you'll have the same surname. This asshole doesn't deserve to have his surname as your baby's surname. Best of luck x

Canisaysomething · 20/09/2023 23:18

The fact he has dumped that doubt and anxiety on you after trying to conceive for 2 years and are finally pregnant… that’s pretty dark. Tell friends and family in real life what he’s asked of you in your most vulnerable state and get their support. Don’t suffer in silence or be ashamed.

Mountaineer0009 · 20/09/2023 23:19

congrats op, and focus on the baby would be the main priority

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AcrossthePond55 · 20/09/2023 23:22

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 21:49

@Ollifer yes to be honest the second conversation happened tonight and I was so angry but I tried to remain calm as he said he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it as he knows it will upset me and he doesn't have a solution. And he doesn't have many friends to confide in about this. But I was like well it doesn't feel like we have come to a resolution and I don't want you bringing this up in another two weeks time so now I'm in limbo.

So this man can't understand why his pregnant wife might be a teensy-teensy bit upset when he tells her he wants to shag other women/have threesomes/swing. And when she says 'That's not for me' he can't find a solution? How about respecting your wife and your marriage, asshat. What a fucking gem, NOT! And I don't want to hear anyone saying "Oh, he's just panicking at the thought of a baby". He has two children already. He knows exactly what parenthood entails. He's not some first time father freaking out at 'the unknown'.

Bottom line is he's now told you who he is. Believe him.

I'm not telling you to leave him right now, that's your decision But you really need to be sure you're prepared to be a single parent. If that means going full time at work or training for or finding a better job, then that's what you need to do. And you are one of the people for whom it is very important to have money stashed away for that rainy day. So start saving.

Nicole1111 · 20/09/2023 23:22

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he’s chosen a time when you are most likely to be vulnerable and reliant on him to raise this 🚩

DowntonCrabby · 20/09/2023 23:25

This is a horrible situation OP, you deserve better than someone who waits until you’re expecting a mutually planned baby to bring this up.

In your situation I’d be planning to bring the baby up alone but also seriously whether terminating would be best to not have the attachment to this man for the rest of my life.

I’d absolutely terminate but that’s very easy to say older and with DC, If you feel this is your baby than this is your baby. Flowers

Tabitha1950s · 20/09/2023 23:25

If you are not in a financial or emotional position to raise this child on your own then you should consider not going ahead with the pregnancy because there is every possibility that by the time baby is born you will no longer be in a happy or stable marriage.

I am extremely sorry this has happened to you.

Hugs.

Original poster
amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 23:32

@Clymene yes he is older by 12 years. I mean he did mention at points in our relationship because I didn't like doing certain things sexually but I never thought it was a major issue as why else would you go ahead with marriage. We have been together five years, married one. He has said to me that well you don't realise these things are an issue as you are happy and then time goes on. Now he has said maybe sleeping with other people is a symptom of the issue rather than what he would like. So something like being dominatrix/submissive kind of thing. I just said it seems like I have to change to what you want. I am so confused and now very very stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 23:34

Thank you for everyone's advice. It has helped me when I have personally felt very stressed and upset. It is difficult because you feel unable to talk to family or friends because you don't want to taint how they see your partner it also feels very personal that you don't want to disclose your partners personal wants. But thank you it has been helpful to see what others would do and I'm now going to have think seriously about this over the next couple of days.

OP posts:
Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 20/09/2023 23:46

What would I do in this situation?
Honestly I would not stay with this man. I would not trust this man to be loyal and respectful or even a useful part of the team to parent a child. He has waited for you to be at your most vulnerable to say he wants to fuck around. Do you want to live forever with a man that thinks it’s ok to be that manipulative and disrespectful. He sounds incredibly self absorbed and awful.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/09/2023 23:47

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/09/2023 21:14

Oh dear, OP. I really don't think you should have a child with this man. He's either already cheating, or he's planning to.

This.

JFDIYOLO · 20/09/2023 23:48

Just heard you're pregnant and now he informs you he's going to be cheating on you because you're not up for swinging from the chandeliers.

What an utter arsehole.

And the jaw dropping crassness of so many men ...

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/09/2023 23:52

JFDIYOLO · 20/09/2023 23:48

Just heard you're pregnant and now he informs you he's going to be cheating on you because you're not up for swinging from the chandeliers.

What an utter arsehole.

And the jaw dropping crassness of so many men ...

And he's older, and he's already produced two other kids in a failed relationship.

Don't saddle yourself or your offspring with this horrible person, OP. You are too young to make desperate choices. He's not your last chance.

rubytubeytubes · 20/09/2023 23:52

You can’t trust him, how dare he EXPECT you to have threesomes and now want something else in return because he can’t get his own way!
sorry this has happened now but better now than when you have a young baby

Killeditwithkisses · 20/09/2023 23:54

“Now he has said maybe sleeping with other people is a symptom of the issue rather than what he would like.”

….so he’s blackmailing you into doing the sex thing that you don’t want to do.
he sounds vile

mathanxiety · 20/09/2023 23:56

midlifecrash · 20/09/2023 21:58

“Well my partner is pregnant which means she will get a lot of positive attention which makes me jealous and anxious so is clearly completely unfair. I think I should be allowed to sleep with someone else “.

jesus Christ will these wankers ever grow up.

So sorry this is happening to you OP, but even if this wasn’t a dealbreaker it won’t just be this will it. This is someone who’ll be more ill if you’re ever ill, put a downer on every Christmas and holiday, and probably steal your children’s Easter eggs.

Nail on the head here.

This is a jealous, immature twat trying to refocus all of your attention on him because he can't stand the fact that you now have pregnancy and a baby to focus on.

I'd tell him he can pack his bags immediately and find a couch somewhere to sleep on while he mulls over the question of which side his bread is buttered on and gets his priorities straightened out.

Maybe he'll decide to leave the relationship because he can't stand the idea of making you the centre of his life when he fully expects that life will be the other way round. He's no loss if that's what he decides.

Either way, you need to make it completely clear to him that he is an optional extra in your life, not the centre of your universe.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/09/2023 23:59

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 20/09/2023 21:33

He sounds awful but sorry why does your bra size matter?

32 F = aged 32 female

neilyoungismyhero · 21/09/2023 00:00

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 20/09/2023 21:33

He sounds awful but sorry why does your bra size matter?

I think she's a 32 year old female!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2023 00:02

Does he want you to be submissive or dominant?

Because I'm happy to come around and beat him up if that's what he'd like. For free and everything. No sex or anything. Ick. But he deserves a kicking.

mathanxiety · 21/09/2023 00:04

amyLF24 · 20/09/2023 23:32

@Clymene yes he is older by 12 years. I mean he did mention at points in our relationship because I didn't like doing certain things sexually but I never thought it was a major issue as why else would you go ahead with marriage. We have been together five years, married one. He has said to me that well you don't realise these things are an issue as you are happy and then time goes on. Now he has said maybe sleeping with other people is a symptom of the issue rather than what he would like. So something like being dominatrix/submissive kind of thing. I just said it seems like I have to change to what you want. I am so confused and now very very stressed.

He's moving the goalposts, but even that is a ploy.

He wants you to feel insecure, to spend all of your time wringing your hands and worrying about pleasing him and keeping him yours. He wants to play you like a puppet because that is what men like him enjoy doing

He wants you to give him all of your attention all of the time. His problem here is that he is a narcissist who can't stand the idea that you now have something other than him to think about.

Call his bluff. Make him move out. Tell him he clearly needs some space so he can do some thinking about his future.

Do not put up with his game playing. Do not allow him to manipulate you.

Do not allow him to turn this joyful time into a nightmare.

Morewineplease10 · 21/09/2023 00:04

FlowerPower12345 · 20/09/2023 21:38

32F means she's 32 and female.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

Morewineplease10 · 21/09/2023 00:05

What an asshole - he waits until you're pregnant to mention this?!

Not a keeper. I would ditch him, honestly.

Frogger8395 · 21/09/2023 00:22

erm it has been a struggle at times to have him on board he kept changing his mind

It looks like he’s changed his mind again. Sounds like he’s changed his mind about the marriage too. Why else the conversation that most people would perceive to be a deal breaker.

I would terminate and seek a divorce. I wouldn’t inflict this man on a child and I wouldn’t want to be tied to him for life either.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/09/2023 00:35

Frogger8395 · 21/09/2023 00:22

erm it has been a struggle at times to have him on board he kept changing his mind

It looks like he’s changed his mind again. Sounds like he’s changed his mind about the marriage too. Why else the conversation that most people would perceive to be a deal breaker.

I would terminate and seek a divorce. I wouldn’t inflict this man on a child and I wouldn’t want to be tied to him for life either.

This x1000.

LuckyPeonies · 21/09/2023 00:39

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I would* *terminate the pregnancy and the marriage.

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