Don't know what to do pregnant and my husband says unhappy with sex life

[amyLF24]

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I'd leave now. My ex husband did this too when I was going through the menopause.

That was really not a good move on his part - he's now my ex husband.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I'd leave

No ifs, no buts.

He can go fuck whomever he chooses.
You can focus on you and the child.

If you stay, it'll get worse and the badgering and the emotional manipulations and then of course, eventually, the cheating because he'll claim you aren't meeting his needs whilst cleaning the house, raising a baby, feeding a baby, not sleeping much etc etc.

Nope. Too much heart ache and drama.

Bye bye ass hat.

Maybe go and have a little holiday with your family or a close friend who you can talk it over with IRL. No need to go into any explanations to your husband, as this is such an important time in your life.

As PP have said, he is a knob for treating you like this

I think that all the vitriol about what a bastard he is might be a little OTT and could have a negative impact in terms of validating the OP’s self-esteem; as in “how could I be so stupid to not see him for what he is?” and “how worthless am I that he dropped this on me when I am so vulnerable?”. Sometimes people get caught up in the collateral damage by association.

I know people in the kink space. Some of them absolutely hate themselves for what they sometimes see as perversions, flaws in themselves. I’ve known people who try to push it away for years and years, until a trigger brings it out. I suspect that the OH is suddenly feeling ‘trapped’ due to the pg, and that this created the crisis.

Not that any of the above actually helps the OP. Fact remains that she has been blindsided and deceived; no-one should enter committed relationships whilst in disguise (as he did), and it is even worse when a known imbalance in sexual compatibility is ignored (by him), rather than discussed AT THE OUTSET with the unsuspecting partner. Both are cowardly and destructive, and have sown the seeds.

OP: you could not have foreseen this, the deception is what is unforgivable, and the person he has laid out in front of you now is the ‘authentic’ him. You are not to blame at all for the situation - in fact he probably tried to ‘fix’ himself because he wanted to be worthy of you, because of the high regard he held for you. Not that any of it matters.

Your sexual incompatibility (and his dishonesty) are probably impossible to overcome. I have known partners of kinksters try to explore the scene itself, to support their partner, and usually they end up feeling wretched and used.

My suggestion?
(1) If all thoughts of dom/sub, BDSM, kink or whatever are so repulsed, then the marriage is over;
(2) if it is a case of “🤷‍♀️ WTF is that all about?” then maybe a trip to a club/dungeon might show if the OP could ever even begin to accept this space (I imagine that unlikely). But even then, I think the marriage is pretty much dead anyway because of the deceit.

it isn’t a case of him changing: it’s possible of course, but (vanishingly) unlikely.

Your challenge isn’t about what to do with him, it’s about your pg. if you carry on with pg then he may remain in your life forever, arguing, trying to control from a distance, have joint custody, etc, etc. Factor that in when making your decision. Is he a good dad to the kids he already has? Would his parenting as an ‘ex’ be good enough for what you want for your child? Measure him on the person he is, not the one you thought you had.

good luck.

Did you actually just suggest the pregnant op go to a sex dungeon to see if she likes it? Jesus wept 🤢

Indeed. WTF did I just read.

OP..... what is he like as a dad to his other children? Is he involved, pays the right amount of maintenance etc? This is how he'll be as a dad to your baby.

If I had low fertility and wanted a baby I would continue with the pregnancy but prepare to be a single parent. You're not going to be living happily ever after with this man.

Have you any idea what it is like to be 6 weeks pregnant?

I think its actually an intelligent response from someone who knows what they are talking about.

I very much doubt that this poster is suggesting that OP gets involved in anything. Most clubs are very much that you only join in a) if you want to and b) if you are invited to. Watching or simply being there to see what the whole thing is about is fine, as long as you are respectful. I know this because close friends of mine are very much into this. All she has done is offer some insight into why he may have suddenly dropped this on her now.

But, she also suggested that on the basis of evidence so far, the OP wont want to do this, that her husband isnt going to change and that she should think of herself and her child first. She has said that in all likelihood the marriage is not going to survive this.

Isnt that literally what everyone else is saying?!

I didn't read it that way. It read to me more like whilst the OP could do that if she was curious, it's probably pointless in her case because her husband was dishonest about his true nature so their marriage is over anyway. He's spent 5yrs pretending to be something he isn't and married OP on a lie. The poster acknowledged that and isn't condoning it.

He’s cruel.
He has chosen to voice “what he wants” whilst your at one of the most vulnerable stages of your life.
Classic narcissist syndrome, I rarely suggest this, move him out of your life.
You owe it to yourself and unborn child, to live as you wish, rather than under the terms and conditions of this self centred predator.

Yuck. I would have more self respect than do this ‘to keep him happy’.

@NonMiDispiace it doesn’t mean I have a lack of self respect… it just means I’m looking after my partner and doing something nice for them! How is that depressing..

He can look after himself with his hands. You don't have to do anything for him sexually, especially when you are pregnant.

Would you enjoy lying back and being serviced by someone who isn't in the mood? I dunno how anyone would want to receive a sexual act that the person is only doing to keep them happy/stop them looking elsewhere. I want my sexual interactions to be enthusiastic and wanted from both sides.

Honestly, I’d leave him now. Do you have a supportive family/friends.

@Ollifer no I personally wouldn’t and I don’t think many women would but I think a lot of men do! They don’t care about that. That’s just how it is

Goodness OP, you were very a accommodating to his conversation.

I think this is a serious On The Brink discussion.

”H. After years of trying for a baby you have chosen the moment I get pregnant to raise an apparent new interest in group sex. This is a moment when my body is about to change, our lives are about to change. What impact did you think this might have on any pregnant woman? Either you are starting to look elsewhere, essentially dissatisfied with our relationship or you are panicking about our lives as parents? What is going on? Please talk to me honestly and openly because if your feelings set the future of our marriage in doubt I need to know Right Now. It’s important. Be honest, be a grown up. What is going on?”

Hey! That's way too hard

Exactly this! Knowing that my partner didn't actually want to have sex would be the biggest turn-off ever. It says something worrying about your husband that he could even keep a boner during a "duty blowjob".

Wow, how to write a comment that is misogynist and misandrist in one. You think men don't care about women and it's implied that you think they couldn't possibly learn to care. And you think that women should just put up with this.

No. Women are not masturbation sheaths and men don't have to think that we are, they can do better. The man who does treat us like that should find himself suddenly single.

Completely aside of the fact that it won’t keep him happy and it won’t stop him from cheating. Men don’t cheat due to the lack of the mechanics of sex. It’s everything else that comes with the sex that they want.

Quite demanding creatures really when you look at what they have to offer in return these days.

They cheat for the female attention, which they tend to get less of from the missus when she's got a newborn to care for. If they had a shred of decency they'd recognise that their role is to support the mother-baby dyad, not compete for the woman's attention nor cheat.

That's bullshit, sorry. It's not just how it is, raise the bar!

"that" in this context is other people's feelings. I agree with you about many men thinking that way. I disagree with you, in that I wouldn't be willing to "keep them happy" by having any kind of sex when I'm not in the mood for it. I wouldn't want to date a man with that thought process. That you would and do, is the depressing thing.

Partly because while women with these lower standards exist, willing to keep these types happy, there's no reason for these men to even consider changing their ways and becoming better people. And since they don't have their awful "lesser-than" opinion of women tattooed across their foreheads, it means those of us with higher standards are going to inevitably end up wasting our time with them accidentally, until the day we find out what they're like and get rid. The existence of these men and our inevitability of sometimes ending up dating them is another depressing thing.