Don't know what to do pregnant and my husband says unhappy with sex life

[amyLF24]

Hey everyone.

I recently found out I was pregnant, I'm only 6 weeks. For further info I am 32F and my husband and I have been trying for two years, I finally fell pregnant it was a shock. I was anxious at first but I've been starting to feel really happy about it.

The issue is my husband mentioned a few days after I found out I was pregnant and now this week that he is unhappy with our sex life. He thinks it is too vanilla and he wants excitement. I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He then started going on about having sex with other people, swinging, having threesomes. I said I'm sorry but I wouldn't be happy with that, but if there are things that the two of us could do to make it more exciting that I would consider them.

He then said I know you just have a different mindset from me and I don't want to upset you. He then said obviously I need to think about whether that's an issue not being able to have sex with others and what we could do just us two to mitigate that.

I'm sitting there thinking I'm 6 weeks pregnant and now I am feeling very anxious about our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I want him to be able to talk to me about it but equally I said to him it's not just about upsetting me it's about my life too, like I'm sitting here 6 weeks pregnant and now feeling very anxious when I was happy about being pregnant. Telling all my family.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

@FlamingoFloss thank you that is very kind of you I appreciate it

@Clymene erm it has been a struggle at times to have him on board he kept changing his mind. He has two children from a previous relationship so it wasn't as much as a deal breaker as it was for me. But we were trying for two years and I thought it would never happen and he wasn't willing to do IVF. But he was really happy when I told him and I really thought things were looking positive. He said this gives us focus now we will need to rent somewhere bigger etc. But unfortunately now this.

@Ollifer yes to be honest the second conversation happened tonight and I was so angry but I tried to remain calm as he said he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it as he knows it will upset me and he doesn't have a solution. And he doesn't have many friends to confide in about this. But I was like well it doesn't feel like we have come to a resolution and I don't want you bringing this up in another two weeks time so now I'm in limbo.

I would probably terminate and leave him.
But I think keeping the pregnancy and leaving him is a second best option.
I'm so sorry he has ruined the start of your pregnancy like this, he is a selfish bastard.

I don't care if he's freaking out. Only a really nasty man after 2 years of trying for a baby, once his partner is 6 weeks along, would suddenly go, "you know what, I want to shag other people". And there is the old adage that someone who says he wants to shag other people already is.

OP, you have a few choices, none of which are good. Tell him to stop being a fucking idiot and grow up. Stay with him knowing he's probably either shagging someone else or planning to. Leave and have the baby alone. Leave and have a termination knowing you might not have another chance. Stay for now, planning to leave. Stay and terminate because bringing a baby into this shitshow is a terrible idea.

All bad plans so pick the least worst for you. Regardless what you do, make sure he knows what a total and complete arsehole he is being.

Kick the bugger out

I'm guessing he's older OP?

What a shithead. I'm so sorry. He's tainting what should be a really happy time for you.

Can you go and stay with a friend or family member for a bit? Give yourself a bit of time with someone who is kind and loving.

Your husband is cheating on you.

I would not be bringing a baby into this. You're young, you can start over.

He watches too much porn and he's freaking out that you're pregnant.

This, in a nutshell. What an absolutely dreadful thing to say to your pregnant wife though. He sounds like an utter shit.

You asked what I would do if I were in this situation. I would have the baby but mentally prepare myself to be a single parent. I would remind myself that he is likely to cheat but that I wouldn't let him take away the chance of being a mum from me. I would put all of my love and energy into raising my child. That's not necessarily the best advice, nor what you should do but you asked what others would do in your situation.

Why did you say 'I'm sorry'? You have nothing to be sorry about.

He sounds all about him. I can't think this is going to end happily for you OP. Babies, toddlers and children generally are not boosts to wild sex lives. Our 3, all good sleepers who like their own beds, have DH and I exhausted. Fortunately, we are on the same page and happy with a couple of times a week.

You're pregnant. We know you're female.

Not wanting to frighten you, but there are two life-events that are associated with the start of domestic abuse - marriage, and pregnancy. Many abusive men can wear a mask and present as normal, even as above-average. But, once they feel their victim is trapped, either by marriage or pregnancy, the mask starts to slip and the real face of the abuser is revealed.

You're six weeks pregnant and he has suggested sexual practices you would not be happy with. Most people would not be happy with them. He may have chosen something he knew you'd reject as a way of softening you up to accept something else you would otherwise reject. Or, he may start getting a bit insistent with this suggestion.

Be on the lookout for coercion and manipulation. This may be the start of the slippery slope, and you may have to consider ending this marriage, for your own safety.

And (deep breath) you may have to consider whether you want to be tied to this man for life through a shared child. What kind of a father is he to his two existing children?

I must be heartbreaking DH or you to have wanted this baby so much now you're pregnant he drops this shit show on you. If you're 32 with below average eggs, you are right this might be your only chance to have a baby. If you've been trying for 2 years Incan see why you wouldn't want an abortion. You might have to consider having the baby alone if he wants to screw around. He'd still have to pay child maintenance once the child is born whether you were still married or not and whether or not he wanted to see the baby. I'd be checking out how much you might get in benefits without him but if you know his salary and can put in he has 2 DC who I assume he pays maintenance for already you can work out how much he will have to pay you for child maintenance. He sounds really nasty to suddenly suggest this when you are pregnant and need his support. He's basically telling you you're not enough for me I want to shag lots of other women and want you shagging other men, pregnant or not. He is disgusting in my opinion. I hope you've got a good support network around you.

“Well my partner is pregnant which means she will get a lot of positive attention which makes me jealous and anxious so is clearly completely unfair. I think I should be allowed to sleep with someone else “.

jesus Christ will these wankers ever grow up.

So sorry this is happening to you OP, but even if this wasn’t a dealbreaker it won’t just be this will it. This is someone who’ll be more ill if you’re ever ill, put a downer on every Christmas and holiday, and probably steal your children’s Easter eggs.

I agree with this.

My ex begged me for a baby and had a freak out just after I conceived too saying should we do this etc - all through the pregnancy I was on egg shells and couldn't do anything right and he walked out on me when I picked up on some this with him when I was 8m pregnant.

IF you want to go ahead with the pregnancy please prepare that you might be a single mum at some point. He's shown you what an area he is- not for feeling these thoughts, but for not mentioning before you got married and got pregnant- he's basically trapped you then dropped a bombshell on you at your most vulnerable and hormonal time!!

There might be something about feeling a bit tied down now himself but the fact that he's unloadeimg this on you is very selfish. I think couples or individual counselling is a very good idea and something to prioritize financially over melas out holidays etc.

You also have lots of options. I didn't go ahead with a pregnancy when single at 32 (i literally got pregnant by an ex THROUGH a condom!) because I didn't feel the time or situation was right. I've not had a baby in my late 30s and despite the relationship not working out I'm in a much better position financially and although the baby had is an arsehole, at least he does try to be a part of baby's life (whcih the other guy wousknt have done). This is perhaps tmi but there is no reason to think that this is your 'last chance to have a baby' by any means most women can until 40 if they try for long enough. That's almost a decade to find someone decent and kind that will treasure you and not selfishly drop bombshells on you.

It would be interesting to at least tell you're partner you're not feeling confident about going ahead with this pregnancy now and see what they say.

I agree

Yup

My guess? He didn't expect you to get pregnant and freaking the hell out. How old were his kids from prior relationship when he split from their mum?

Quite possibly having kids was when things went 'wrong' last time in his eyes. My DH and I barely had sex while pregnant due to combination of morning sickness, complications meaning pelvic rest and recurrent thrush. Your husband agreed to trying because was a deal breaker for you, relaxed when it didn't happen thinking he'd gotten away with it and now he's losing it. He's worried his dick won't get enough attention, and maybe you'll leave him and decide to terminate so he won't have to go through parenthood again.

He's checking out, I think you need to decide if you want to do this alone.

Sorry so many typos in my post above I fired it off 😂 I mean I've now had a baby (not not) and baby's dad (not babys had)

Pretty obvious you're female if you've just said that you're pregnant...

This sounds like control to me. He is certainly putting you in your place now he knows you are vulnerable. So sorry. You need to be strong. Either single or as a single mum. Definitely without him.

So in addition to raising this he is also blaming what he says will be YOUR reaction, which means he can’t discuss it . This is really unacceptable OP, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Easy for me to say but be strong show him what you’re made of and walk away or get him out. He’s weak and totally totally self centred. Get the support from those who respect and truly love you and decide what to do about your own future. Staying and finding yourself and your little one stuck with or abandoned by this man year in year out will be soul destroying. You deserve better. He doesn’t deserve the life he could have had with you. I wish you all the best.

Once again I am absolutely flabbergasted with the absolute dickhead excuses for men that some women put up with.
I actually can’t believe this is real but if it is then you obviously can’t stay with or have a child with this sex obsessed narcissistic knobhead.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Quote didn’t work, I was responding to the person who said obviously you’re female, you’re pregnant!! 🤪