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Original poster

MIL not using correct name

240 replies

SkyBlue1987 · 20/09/2023 08:05

So I didn’t change my name when we got married a few years ago - which the in-laws definitely know and have never said anything bad about (that I know about). MIL is also on Facebook so would be reminded every time I post photos of the kids of my actual name. However, every time she posts something to us (they don’t live close by) it’s addressed to Mr and Mrs XYZ. Wondering if I should just let it go, it does bug me because I don’t know if she’s doing it deliberately or just because she’s old fashioned.

OP posts:
Hmmmbetterchangethis · 20/09/2023 08:06

My whole family do this. I don’t let it worry me beyond an eyebrow raise when I see it written.

cpphelp · 20/09/2023 08:08

Both mine and my husbands family get my name wrong too - MIL occasionally gets the kids names wrong too! It's not deliberate, and I'd only bother correcting anyone if it was for something important or the kids school etc

Ohthatsabitshit · 20/09/2023 08:08

Can’t you just ask her to do it the way you prefer?

PerfectMatch · 20/09/2023 08:08

Probably just old fashioned. I'd let it go if it's just on letters, but I would say something if it came up in person.

Mrsjayy · 20/09/2023 08:08

I'd let it go she's probably just doing it because in her head you are Mrs xyz. My dd hasn't changed her surname to her husbands and it blew my mums mind 😄

CeliaCanth · 20/09/2023 08:10

Mine did this when I was married. It was deliberate - she thought I ought to have taken the name “Mrs Knobhead” so that’s what she wrote. I asked her to stop.

Needmorelego · 20/09/2023 08:11

Probably old fashioned.
Let it go.
(Do your children have their father's surname? If so I expect you've been called Mrs Their Name by teachers, doctors etc)

Utterlypeanuterly · 20/09/2023 08:11

Does she send a lot of post?
If it is to both of you do you want her to address it to Mr xx xxxxx and Ms xx xxxx? Seems pointless really. Her way saves time.
I didn't change my name. I get post addressed both ways. It's hardly a big issue.
Tell her if you are bothered.

unicornsandhappiness · 20/09/2023 08:14

Needmorelego · 20/09/2023 08:11

Probably old fashioned.
Let it go.
(Do your children have their father's surname? If so I expect you've been called Mrs Their Name by teachers, doctors etc)

This. For teachers etc, they probably do as default as they don't know first name and are trying to be polite

For your MIL, unless she shows you hostility in another way then would imagine it's just old fashioned way of doing it and is not intended to be malicious.

Original poster
SkyBlue1987 · 20/09/2023 08:16

Surprisingly not yet! They are still young though. It must be becoming more common (to have a different name) as people don’t seem to just assume that we have the same name.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 20/09/2023 08:16

I would roll my eyes and move on, sure correct if you want but what do you think will happen?

Mrsjayy · 20/09/2023 08:18

I mean I am assuming she has her husbands surname I think unless you are specifically told most people just think married couples are Mr and Mrs xyz. If it is bothering you tell her .

Maddy70 · 20/09/2023 08:19

It's just how you address a letter , it is word putting everyone's names on it. The envelope wouldn't be big enough

Delatron · 20/09/2023 08:20

I get this from my own Mum. Caused a problem when she sent a parcel and I needed ID to pick it up. So I told her that.

I let it go with other family members with just cards. Think they’re being old fashioned.

Mummy08m · 20/09/2023 08:20

Haha my (lovely) MIL did this for a while. She even said to me shortly before my wedding "I know you want to keep your name but you'll change your mind after a while, I did".

Spoiler: I did not.

I found out more, subsequently, and it turned out that she'd tried to keep her name, but people at work and socially kept calling her Mrs Husbandname so she gave in.

Society is a bit different now, and tbh most people at work don't even know my husband's surname.

I wouldn't go all guns blazing but gently remind her when she gets it wrong. After a year or two she'll get the hint that she's the only one getting it wrong.

Maybe prepare her in advance of what surname you plan to give DC.

Edit - just seen you have DC already! Ignore my last point

Batatahara · 20/09/2023 08:20

Maddy70 · 20/09/2023 08:19

It's just how you address a letter , it is word putting everyone's names on it. The envelope wouldn't be big enough

What would you do if the couple wasn't married?

LastHives · 20/09/2023 08:22

Have you ever tried to write Mr Richard Head and Miss Nora Laughton-Smythe across an envelope? These things are a pain in the arse.

Mummy08m · 20/09/2023 08:23

Maddy70 · 20/09/2023 08:19

It's just how you address a letter , it is word putting everyone's names on it. The envelope wouldn't be big enough

See, I just don't agree with this. Why should it be the husband's name?

Especially if it's an informal letter (which it must be if it's from MIL, it's not from the bank), you know you can just write Mary and John above the address on the envelope right?

Mummy08m · 20/09/2023 08:24

LastHives · 20/09/2023 08:22

Have you ever tried to write Mr Richard Head and Miss Nora Laughton-Smythe across an envelope? These things are a pain in the arse.

You know you can just write

Nora and Richard
First Line of Address
Postcode

SoupDragon · 20/09/2023 08:25

LastHives · 20/09/2023 08:22

Have you ever tried to write Mr Richard Head and Miss Nora Laughton-Smythe across an envelope? These things are a pain in the arse.

It really isn't that difficult. You can write in more than one line.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 20/09/2023 08:25

LastHives · 20/09/2023 08:22

Have you ever tried to write Mr Richard Head and Miss Nora Laughton-Smythe across an envelope? These things are a pain in the arse.

Being called a name other than your own is a pain in the arse.
If you are going to insist on mis-naming someone, why not the man?

Batatahara · 20/09/2023 08:26

LastHives · 20/09/2023 08:22

Have you ever tried to write Mr Richard Head and Miss Nora Laughton-Smythe across an envelope? These things are a pain in the arse.

Yes and it hasn't led to lasting trauma.

I have friends with long names and I don't randomly shorten them because writing is tiring because I'm not 5

Mrsjayy · 20/09/2023 08:29

Surely you would address with Initial then surname?

Maddy70 · 20/09/2023 08:33

Batatahara · 20/09/2023 08:20

What would you do if the couple wasn't married?

Show quote history

Probably only put one of their names on

pictoosh · 20/09/2023 08:33

Not a hill to die on in my opinion. It's completely ignorable.

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