MIL not using correct name

[SkyBlue1987]

So I didn’t change my name when we got married a few years ago - which the in-laws definitely know and have never said anything bad about (that I know about). MIL is also on Facebook so would be reminded every time I post photos of the kids of my actual name. However, every time she posts something to us (they don’t live close by) it’s addressed to Mr and Mrs XYZ. Wondering if I should just let it go, it does bug me because I don’t know if she’s doing it deliberately or just because she’s old fashioned.

I usually write Mary and John instead of full names, and I will accept Mr and Mrs Hisname even though I'm not. I will also accept The Hisname Family because I'm part of that family. But I draw the line at getting my birthday card to Mrs Hisname. It's a step too far. I'm ridiculously reasonable everywhere else but that's my boundary and the hill I choose to die on.

I think people assume you're Mr and Mrs Jones really, your preference for Mr Jones and Ms Smith is just a bit of a whim.

I agree that they probably see it like this. They think that, following the marriage, you obviously automatically ARE Mr & Mrs Husbandssurname.

You might ALSO still sometimes like to use your 'old' name, but both of them are still correct (or maybe the former is 'more' correct), so it doesn't really matter which one they choose to use.

I had people do this to me before we even got married. I'm not too bothered but it would be nice if he got Mr. MYNAME once in a while! I guess in the old days it would have caused an issue with cheques but nobody writes those anymore.
My work have me on the system as Mrs which grates a bit- I prefer Ms.

Your postier wouldn’t give a f* what surname you’ve got but you wouldn’t be able to get your post if ID would be needed. So yes, it would bother me for this reason.

I think teacher’s situation is different. We can’t expect them to remember all names, it would be unreasonable.

My DS and DDIL have different surnames, if I address a letter to them (which I don't often) I put Mr and Mrs Hername/Hisname, they've never complained, so I assume it is OK - I'm sure they'd put me right if it wasn't. If they wanted me to write out their names separately Mrs/Ms Jones and Mr Smith, I would do that - use two lines of address if needed, not a big deal.

Your MIL might just be uncertain how to address you as a couple - I'd let her know. You;d have to be very touchy to be put out if someone told you how they prefer to be addressed.

I agree with this.

If it was somewhere "official" that had automatically assumed a name change and updated my records (eg if the bank was sending letters to Mr and Mrs husband's name) then I'd correct that. But I wouldn't bother with this. How often does she even send you post?

My MIL does the opposite and addresses letters to me in my former surname to indicate she doesn’t want me to share hers 🤣

If that was me I'd return with 'not known at this address' (unless I thought it contained cash!) but I am a bit petty like this.

She'll probably be in touch to ask if you have moved and not told her at which point you can let her know what you think about her not so subtle digs.

I get this, it's very annoying. I think it is pointed, as she's asked me sceptically a few times if it's legal (to keep my own name), or what my "real" or "legal" name is!

Still, could be worse. An elderly relation (his!) use to address us Mr & Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname

Yes but nobody ever writes Mr and Mrs (woman's last name) which is why it grates.

Yes I've heard of this and that's just a genuine misconception some people have - that your surname "automatically" changes when you get married. I have no idea if that used to be the case but it certainly isn't now.

If you want to change your name to Mrs Husbandname, you have to change/tell:

Work
Passport
Driving license
Bank inc mortgage provider, credit cards
GP
Any subscriptions services (I must have a bazillion of these)
Plus friends and family

And probably loads more I can't think of right now.

I never even considered it. It goes against the grain for me anyway to become absorbed into my husband's family via his name. But also the sheer admin it would require from me, to do something I'm at best reluctant about.

Given how much bother it is, I'm surprised it's even as common as it is

I told my MIL not to address my birthday card with the first name and surname of my DH. I might have taken his surname but I most certainly didn’t change my first name!!! She never wrote it like that again.

Yes they will just assume you're a single parent or living with a partner, so they will be used to it. You could ask her to use your name, but it's a bit of a silly thing to worry about. Lots of women now keep their surnames, but it's just easier on an envelope.

It's probably for ease....rather than writing out both full names, she's unsure whether you should be Ms or Mrs for example. I'd not be bothered at all.

If it was my mother in law I’d say it was passive aggressive but I’d she’s not that sort of person then it’s probably just being old fashioned. If it’s bothering you mention it. It’s not your name, and you shouldn’t have to answer to it. What does she put on birthday cards when she posts those?

It’s never the man’s surname that gets confused or excluded

It’s such an interesting topic.
I really think it’s generational and definitely the older generations can’t cope with the thought of not changing your name on marriage. We have a system with conventions rooted in the patriarchy and it’s not perfect whatever you do.

my grandma recently wouldn’t call a little girl the granddaughter of her grand father simply because ‘well her parents aren’t married!!’
I pointed out that the genes don’t know if the parents are married or not :p

I knew a child who shared his dad's surname. Always had done: it was on his his birth certificate and the only surname he ever used in daily life. (His parents were married, but neither had changed their name.)

His National Insurance Number arrived addressed to "Mr Firstname Middlename Mumssurname"!

I suppose when he was first born, his hospital wristband would have been labeled " baby Mumssurname"? But he had never used the surname since being given his first and middle names!

It used to be even worse. It used to be Mr & Mrs John Smith. You didn’t even get your own first name.

It would annoy me if I had chosen to keep my name. If we have moved past Mr & Mrs John Smith because it didn’t give any autonomy to the woman, if they chose not to take the surname that should be respected too.

I’d state a blunt ‘please use my correct name because if I have any issues with the post I can’t collect it from the sorting office, being in and incorrect name and not having ID to match at incorrect name’.

Exactly the reason why we never even considered it. And fully justified considering the number of sob stories on Mumsnet with people getting into difficulties with passports, driving licences, visas, wills, investments, powers of attorney etc in the wrong name - all of which could be avoided by simply keeping your name.

@Datdamndamp I don't address my db's stuff as Dr because I guess I consider that his work title and he's not my Dr but I wonder now does he think it's a dig.

I know people who use their maiden name for work and other things and their married name for the rest - just because you have your maiden name on your facebook I would not assume you never use the Mr & Mrs. I think Mr & Mrs is easier but if you don't want things addressed that way just ask her to do it differently.

I did change my surname which I was happy to do. Particularly as his surname was significantly better than mine 😂

However we get some post from DH's family address to Mr and Mrs DH first name surname. Does make me raise an eyebrow or two. I haven't changed my entire identity just my last name! Anyhow they are older and of a different generation and are absolutely lovely people so I just eyebrow raise privately and let it go.

Pick your battles. This isnt something I would personally make a fuss about.
Maybe she thinks that by referring to you as "Mrs her family name" instead of "Mrs Maiden name" she is being inclusive, including you with her son as part of the family, as a sign of respect (in her mind).

My father still address me as Mrs abusivearsehole despite being divorced for ages.

I swear it's a silent statement that he doesn't believe how abusive exH was because he thought the sun shone out of his behind- and I was mentally ill to have left him

Drives me nuts but I have to ignore it.