MIL not using correct name

[SkyBlue1987]

So I didn’t change my name when we got married a few years ago - which the in-laws definitely know and have never said anything bad about (that I know about). MIL is also on Facebook so would be reminded every time I post photos of the kids of my actual name. However, every time she posts something to us (they don’t live close by) it’s addressed to Mr and Mrs XYZ. Wondering if I should just let it go, it does bug me because I don’t know if she’s doing it deliberately or just because she’s old fashioned.

Write on the envelope “return to sender, name not known at this address” and pop it back in the post.

I'd get a red pen, correct the mistake and give an appropriate mark out of 10. I would then stick it in the fridge next time she came over.

Actually, I wouldn't, but I would love to.

Manners are so bloody inconvenient.

We refer to post like that as "a letter for the secret wife in the attic".

I don't understand this. Surely if you are not married you are still Miss UnDruidlyWords. Do you expect to be Ms. I didn't know that was the expected title if you were not married. I would normally put Mr.xxx and Miss UnDruidly Words . Somehow for younger couples I normally just put first names.

I get the full Mrs Husband's First Name Husband's Surname treatment from my mum, but my lovely mother in law gets mine right. I think she even uses Ms instead of Mrs. I just kinda sigh and shrug my shoulders.

However, it is a pain in the arse when moving house when I have to put in there different names for redirection, my name, Mrs Husband's name and double barrelled, and pay 3 times as much for the privilege.

This winds me right up and I do correct people. My favourite was at a wedding where we were put as both having the same surname on the table plan. This was my side of the family, they’re well aware I didn’t change my name and the bride in this scenario wasn’t changing her name either. THAT pissed me off.

interestingly I’m a doctor and we frequently get post missaddressed to Dr and Mrs myname - people just assume the bloke is the doctor. Grrr.

To not let this go would be incredibly petty and id view it as you looking for conflict.

My now husbands family did the same when addressing cards or gifts even when we weren't married.

There really are bigger hills to die on.

Don't respond to her posts etc unless she uses your correct name!

When I wasn't married letters came with initial surname to both of us, it's not a big deal.

I married someone with the same initials. It has caused a bit of confusion at times.

We're not married and we still always get "mr and Mrs Smithson" for example 😂

Christmas cards to the pair of you I'd let mr & mrs husband go, birthday cards to mrs husband would be rude.

Its definitely old fashioned, my in laws do the same. From the days when a man ‘took a wife’. Drives me round the bend when they address envelopes like that and my actual name isn’t actually on there but what can you do 🤷‍♀️

Not so. To DO this in the first place is incredibly petty. It's a silly, passive aggressive game.

So don't play. Ignore it.

I'm not sure this would even register with me. Why does it matter?

If people can manage writing complicated addresses that require multiple lines for house names, village, town, etc they can manage to write two names.

Or, God forbid, just use the addressees's first names! 🤭😉

I've been with OH for nearly 40 years and we're not married and still get cards addressed to 'Miss UnDruidlyWords', even though I'm in my 60s
But that is correct surely? I address my friends as
'John Smith and Susan Jones'
No problems,and they have been together for 30 years.

@ climbingviafog, it matters because she wants to be called by her name. It’s a bit odd to send post to someone addressed to a name that has nothing to do with them.

She obviously doesn't want Royal Mail to think her ds is living in sin!!

It's not a random name though, it's her husbands name. I would also keep my own surname, I think it's odd people change it for marriage, but his name written on the occasional postcard from his parents, really wouldn't be a thing for me.

Same here.

What has really hacked me off recently is that DS' National Insurance info came through as Mr <First Name><Middle Name><DH last name>. WTF?

Where do HMRC get their info from? DS has never been Hisname, he has always been myname-hisname. This is on his birth certificate, passport, NHS records, school records - every record!

Funny how before DH and I were married, no one ever struggled with MsGinger and Mr DH but th moment we got married, this got trotted out, "oh, it's too long and I can't remember...".

Bollocks.

Personally, I'd say something but even as someone who is infuriated with people not being able to get their heads around my name being different to DHs, I wouldn't bang on about it. A couple of reminders then a big eye roll. Of course, if she doesn't stop after you ask her to, you do risk a real impact on your relationship because then you will KNOW it's because she doesn't approve and that will irritate you.

I think acknowledging someone by the name they wish to use is a basic sign of respect. Dale Carnegie said “A person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

OP, if it's important to you, tell her (nicely!). If she doesn't take it well that's her problem and will flag up for you that you need to tread carefully in your relationship. If she does take it well then you know she respects you and you can hopefully have a really good relationship with her.

My narc "mother", now late 80s and out of my life, used this as a weapon. I told her I wasn't changing my name and got "but don't you love him", telling my husband "you need to do something about this wife of yours" and sending cards in his name anyway. For 20 years. When pulled up on it she would say "I forgot". That I never changed my name?!

Funnily enough my lovely MIL had no problem with it so it's not an age thing.

I hope OP's MIL is more like mine and respects her choices.