MIL not using correct name

[SkyBlue1987]

So I didn’t change my name when we got married a few years ago - which the in-laws definitely know and have never said anything bad about (that I know about). MIL is also on Facebook so would be reminded every time I post photos of the kids of my actual name. However, every time she posts something to us (they don’t live close by) it’s addressed to Mr and Mrs XYZ. Wondering if I should just let it go, it does bug me because I don’t know if she’s doing it deliberately or just because she’s old fashioned.

Another poster asked you that question, and you responded by saying you didn't think choosing to keep the name was morally superior. Which is a different point.

You were also talking about someone else's situation rather than your own, so it doesn't matter where your DH got his name from.

@TrashedSofa you seem to flick from the personal to the general as suits. I’m happy for you to imagine that all women who change their names on marriage are experiencing double the sexism of those who keep their traditional fathers surname. I think it’s crap but you have a very prescriptive version of feminism going on there and who am I to bet beyond saying I disagree?

Didn't mention anything about double sexism, but interesting that you yet again swerved explaining why a woman's name isn't her own but her husband's is. As I said, it's always very telling.

Why is it so hard to call a woman's birth surname her name instead of her father's name? And yet the husband's name is ways his name, not his father's name. Deeply ingrained sexism IMO.

Because when you are talking about why you keep a surname or change a surname the origin of that name is what you’re discussing.
It’s very telling to me that you believe that men are never asked to change their name while I know many who have changed their names (not because of sexism). I think you believe you know the drivers and draw conclusions because of those firm beliefs but they aren’t as sound as you believe. As I said upthread (on repeat) BOTH of these two options of taking a name passed by your relationship to a male could be sexist. That wasn’t the reason I personally chose to change my name but for some tradition is very inhibiting.

Yep. There is no other explanation.

When it comes to names used after marriage there is a far greater societal expectation that a woman will take her husband's name than the other way round. People try to justify it by saying "it's a choice of her husband's name or her father's name so one is no better than the other". Yet when it comes to men no one ever suggests "well it's his father's name or his wife's name". If he keeps his own name after marriage it is HIGHLY unlikely that anyone will question that or assume him to be Mr Wifesurname (IME the only time that ever happens is if I have booked something on behalf of both of us and even then the underlying assumption would be that it was originally his surname).

I have no issue with any individual woman taking her husband's surname but feel that it is sad that as a class we are still expected to. I haven't, but I have gone with other sexist traditions, I wear an engagement ring for example. I acknowledge it's sexist, I did it anyway but I don't attempt to justify it by saying it's not.

I don’t think there was a huge expectation that people would change their name on marriage when I got married (possibly from my grandparent’s generation??). Certainly in my parents generation everyone did.

Among mine some did some didn’t. I think slightly more did but possibly those that didn’t marry their partners would have more than evened things out. Perhaps things have changed. My Dh certainly had no expectation that I would.

DC has both of our names which makes it obvious that he is our child, though I know that we're a family and DH knows that we're a family (and DC will too when old enough) which is all that matters to me.

My name is important to me and I didn't even consider giving it up, that isn't over thinking.

My mil used to send me cheques for my birthday and Xmas. She insisted on addressing them to Mrs dhsurname, which would have been ok had that been the name my bank account was in. We have a joint account which is Mr &Mrs dhsurname so my gifts used to go in there. And I was expected to be grateful. She said it was too hard to write cheques which were actually in my name!

I don't think she means any harm, it's just a way to address a card or letter. But if it bothers you just go and talk with her, maybe she does it the oldfashioned way because she thinks "you can't go wrong with the old rules" 😊

My personal favourite is when it’s the other way round; I speak to a builder/plumber/other tradesman for a quote and then they deal with my OH and call him Mr PurpleHippo. Has caused some minor confusion as we bought my nan’s house from my dad and at one point post was coming here for him, so when something arrived addressed incorrectly to my partner my dad was extremely puzzled as to why he was still getting post at a house he hadn’t lived in for over 40 years!

In this scenario (or in my case usually when I get a phone call from the school/nursery) I’m quite happy with “Sally’s mum” or equivalent as at least then I immediately know which one of my little darlings has bumped their head/been sick/has an all-important issue that must be dealt with now because they forgot to mention it before they left the house!

I double barrelled mine… my Grandad addresses everything to the double barrelled name so, technically my husband and I have now inherited one another’s via marriage 😂

Why didn’t your husband double barrel?