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Original poster

MIL not using correct name

240 replies

SkyBlue1987 · 20/09/2023 08:05

So I didn’t change my name when we got married a few years ago - which the in-laws definitely know and have never said anything bad about (that I know about). MIL is also on Facebook so would be reminded every time I post photos of the kids of my actual name. However, every time she posts something to us (they don’t live close by) it’s addressed to Mr and Mrs XYZ. Wondering if I should just let it go, it does bug me because I don’t know if she’s doing it deliberately or just because she’s old fashioned.

OP posts:
JaneFarrier · 20/09/2023 15:30

LastHives · 20/09/2023 08:22

Have you ever tried to write Mr Richard Head and Miss Nora Laughton-Smythe across an envelope? These things are a pain in the arse.

I bet that you don't lump cohabiting couples together under just one of their names, though? I don't see why getting married should remove the right to be called what you prefer to be called.

I don't really mind Christmas cards addressed to "the HisName family" but I do feel a bit baffled by birthday cards addressed to Mrs HisName. If you like me well enough to send me a card, don't you care enough to get my name right? I'd hope you would.

JaneFarrier · 20/09/2023 15:36

CMOTDibbler · 20/09/2023 08:52

We are Ms Myname, Mr Hisname and DS Mr Myname-Hisname. After 26 years of marriage we still get things addressed to Mr &Mrs Hisname. I won't open anything addressed thus and we joke about DHs fancy woman getting post.
I am quite happy for people to address things to 'The Myname-Hisname family', 'CMOT &hisfirstname' should they not wish to address them to 'Mr Hisname and Ms Myname'.
I do object to being called by a name and honorative that I have never used. Weirdly no one ever can't be arsed to write his name and calls us Ms &Mr Myname

I always reckon it's for my mother-in-law. Unless it was from her. But she knows better.

JaneFarrier · 20/09/2023 15:40

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 20/09/2023 09:45

To not let this go would be incredibly petty and id view it as you looking for conflict.

My now husbands family did the same when addressing cards or gifts even when we weren't married.

There really are bigger hills to die on.

No need for conflict! I have mentioned it many times and look on it as preventing future embarrassment. It's an easy fix after all.

JaneFarrier · 20/09/2023 15:43

Fallingthroughclouds · 20/09/2023 10:00

I'm not sure this would even register with me. Why does it matter?

In my case, it's because my MIL, who often stays with us, is also named Jane and Mrs Jane HisName is therefore a real, different person. But I'd feel the same if she were named Susan. It's basic politeness to call me by my preferred name.

Fallingthroughclouds · 20/09/2023 15:47

@JaneFarrier fair enough, it's just not something I would be losing sleep over. I would assume it was shorthand rather than being rude.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/09/2023 15:48

I'd correct it and refuse any more cards if it continued after a polite correction.

It isn't petty to want to be addressed by the correct name.

Stressedoutmammy · 20/09/2023 15:53

I’m not even married my partner, so him and the kids all have one name and I have another name, it’s a faff having two separate surnames so if I had to write a letter to us I would also use their name, I would be bothered about it at all…unless it’s a really horrible name and that’s why you didn’t take it (I joke 🤣)

JaneFarrier · 20/09/2023 15:54

@Fallingthroughclouds Oh, I don't lose any sleep over it. It's just an annoying bit of grit in the machine.

usernother · 20/09/2023 15:54

It really wouldn't matter to me in the slightest. I know what my name is, people can call me what they want.

RiderofRohan · 20/09/2023 16:52

I feel you. A few elderly relatives have addressed me as Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname, when I'm in fact Dr Allmyownnames. It makes feel physically sick. Like did I just give up the right to my own existence by getting married?

ScaryM0nster · 20/09/2023 19:13

It’s just old fashioned, and is likely just a slight modernisation on how she was taught to address letters.

The classic ‘proper’ way to address would be Mr & Mrs John Smith, even if you’d address the letter to Ms Jane Doe if you were writing to her individually.

Tyremarks · 20/09/2023 19:22

I used to send back things addressed to Mrs DHSurname with NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS. I’d have been less surprised if it were DH’s elderly relatives, but this was my side of the family, people who’ve known me since birth, and are perfectly aware of my surname.

Cinateel · 20/09/2023 20:10

To be honest, I'd consider it good old fashioned etiquette. I'd say Mr and Mrs Jones for joint letters, Or Ms Smith if writing just to you.

bigbluefish · 20/09/2023 20:24

It’s not old fashioned, it’s just normal.
Being married is about becoming a single family unit with one surname. It’s been done that way forever. It’s normal to keep your old surname on social media or for work if you are a professional eg. Dr etc. but surely you’re a family, not a collection of individuals. If you really hate his name ask him to change to yours.

nickelbabe · 20/09/2023 20:30

My uncle does this too.
I used to get annoyed by it, but he's in his 80s now and I let it slide now.
Whenever we get a letter addressed to mr&mrs, I give to to dh and say "there's a letter here for you and your mum!"

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/09/2023 20:44

bigbluefish · 20/09/2023 20:24

It’s not old fashioned, it’s just normal.
Being married is about becoming a single family unit with one surname. It’s been done that way forever. It’s normal to keep your old surname on social media or for work if you are a professional eg. Dr etc. but surely you’re a family, not a collection of individuals. If you really hate his name ask him to change to yours.

It's old fashioned. It's been done that way 'forever' because women used to be seen as property but thankfully, we've moved on from that now and more and more women are deciding not to change their names when they get married.

I love my surname, it's part of my identity. I wouldn't want to change it and it certainly doesn't mean that we aren't a family.

TicTacNicNak · 20/09/2023 20:50

If she was sending something to the both of you I'd probably let it go. If she was sending something to you alone (eg birthday card) and addressed it to Mrs XYZ I'd probably say something.

user1469796848 · 20/09/2023 21:05

Let it go. It’s not a big deal and I think it’s also kinda cute in a retro kind of way. Not progressive I know but hey!

TrashedSofa · 20/09/2023 21:12

bigbluefish · 20/09/2023 20:24

It’s not old fashioned, it’s just normal.
Being married is about becoming a single family unit with one surname. It’s been done that way forever. It’s normal to keep your old surname on social media or for work if you are a professional eg. Dr etc. but surely you’re a family, not a collection of individuals. If you really hate his name ask him to change to yours.

People seem to have an insatiable appetite for pulling things out of their arse on this issue.

Marriage is much older than surnames. One spouse taking the other's surname is merely a relatively recent practice adopted by some cultures.

Dogsitterwoes · 20/09/2023 21:16

I think it's very rude.

Fair enough if someone doesn't know you've kept your name, but she knows.

Etiquette argument - even Debretts day to address people by their actual name and not lump couples together if their names are different.

Two names too hard to write? So what do you do for unmarried couples? Or you might as well write Mr and Mrs Hername, as it's exactly the same in assigning a random name to someone else.

Family should have the same name? Why? Not your family, not your choice.

It's all just excuses for sexism and thinking the woman shouldn't be so 'silly' and take on her husband's name.

GCWorkNightmare · 20/09/2023 21:28

I’ve had 20 years of it for a couple of relatives.

I don’t open anything not addressed to me. I have tried to explain multiple times (mainly because they have asked why I haven’t cashed cheques) but somehow their tiny minds can’t fathom that a woman can have the same name her entire life and not need to follow what is a hideously sexist tradition.

it is the height of rudeness to call someone by a name they don’t use. How dare they.

MB34 · 20/09/2023 21:58

My in laws all did this for years (even my SIL who only changed her name when she had children, years after she married BIL!). I told DH to have a word and they've stopped now.
The worst one is one of my friends who I've known for 20+ years. She's younger than me and still puts Mrs MB H'slastname. Even though I've told her, did a post on fb at the beginning of my marriage and haven't changed my name on there either!

It's very annoying.

Eschra · 21/09/2023 06:53

Lovingitallnow · 20/09/2023 13:53

@Datdamndamp I don't address my db's stuff as Dr because I guess I consider that his work title and he's not my Dr but I wonder now does he think it's a dig.

Its def NOT a job title. Its a earned title Dr immediately replaces Mr. Same as Professor, Lord etc.

Fizzology · 21/09/2023 07:12

As a teacher, I never assume that children have the same name as their parents, or that the parents have the same name as each other. Why on earth would I? There are so many different types of family, and precisely none share their marital status with me. It's irrelevent.

I would never 'politely default' to calling a woman by the name of the children's father. If I don't know her name, I ask.

Are some posters living in a 1950s subculture where all families always have the same name, and women should smilingly accept that marriage means erasure of her name, no matter her decisions?

It is rude to repeatedly call your DIL by the wrong name, because you don't respect her decision. It is an insult, and OP is not wrong to see it that way.