How do I make life less tiring? Is this just life now?

[HighOverTheFenceLeapsSunnyJim]

Me and DH just feel in an endless cycle of exhausting life at the moment. We go from busy work into a whirlwind of kids activities etc - eg tonight DH finished work in time to collect DC2 from school to take to swimming, meanwhile I went from work to a PTA meeting, DH took DC2 from swimming to football, I got home from meeting to take DC1 to Cubs, DH got back with DC2 to eat supper, I went to collect from Cubs, DH took dog out, DC1 ate supper, I put kids to bed. this isn’t even an accurate representation as I can’t be bothered to explain where DC3 fitted in tonight.

Every night is like this. I feel like we slog through each week to get to the weekend (which is equally full of football, rugby etc)

is the only answer have fewer kids doing fewer activities? Are there life hacks out there? I think if we streamlined life elsewhere it would help but doesn’t feel like we’ve got the time!

just ugh. So tired.

That looks like a lot of activities, have you actually asked you kids what they actually want to do?

When mine were younger my daughter had dance on a Friday night, my sons had midweek rugby training and matches on Sunday,and Cricket on Sunday in the summer.

We also had Sunday afternoon after rugby/cricket a boardgames afternoon

The very fact that you seem to think spending a ‘whole hour’ with your child is a big deal speaks volumes.

The balance clearly isn’t fine as you would not have posted. Your son’s schedule is insane.

For those that have younger children they ARE missing lullabies, stories, playing with their children, massage, fun bath times. Family dinners where they learn to be sociable and table manners etc. Cosy time that isn’t always capped to the next late pick up.

Op you are missing cooking with your older children, family dog walks enjoying the seasons talking about their feelings, sitting quietly and helping with homework. Time to paint, draw or journal. Older children need more decompression not less.

Hurtling around the county is avoidant. Spending quality time with your children is or should be a priority. All they see of you is the back of your head in the car.

No activities for my DC2 as they're happy to come home and play with the neighbours' kids. My DC1 does one activity which currently takes up 2 evenings a week which is manageable. Weekends for us are free which is heaven compared to most families I know! As someone else said, it's highly unlikely kids doing said activities will make it a career. Appreciate they have other benefits but at what cost to the parents and home life/downtime?

Yes!

My children are 15, 12 and 8! Nobody wants to be cradled in my arms singing a lullaby!
Exactly! At 15, surely there's one of those activities she can get to alone, even if you do then go and collect. Ask her to pick one now that she will go to alone as of now - whether that me making her way from school and stopping in a cafe on the way etc- with a view to getting herself to all by the end of the year.
If the stables is out of the way, can they bike there together/get a bus etc?

Is there anyone living near you who you could share lifts with? DD does a sport with three other girls twice a week, we've always done one run a week per family.

OP, if you want practical answers to these all I can offer is what has worked with my teens (14, 11 - thinks she's a teen...) , both of whom (have chosen to!) do sport at serious, 6 days a week level, twice a day sessions. Plus homework, plus music, plus social life... We both work FT, albeit I am generally from home apart from every now and then when I have to go into the office.

• Lift share where possible with other parents. Get into a regular routine if you can rather than one offs, so you can plan around it
• Both children can get themselves to their activities (walk, bus) on certain days when the stars align - I encouraged this and both are quite happy to do so, again regular days for this so everyone knows what's going on
• A PP said sit down with your OH and work out weekend schedules especially if this involves matches etc rather than just normal training - I am literally doing this now for this coming weekend!
• Have a physical diary (or shared calendars on phones). If it's not written down on it, it doesn't happen
• Make sure you have your stuff on the calendar as well
• Meal plan - buy what you need, when you need, everyone knows what's for tea and it will be in the fridge when you need it. If you have a slow cooker even better
• Have a sequence of vaguely healthy recipes which everyone eats, and which are quick and easy to cook (or slow cooker). Make more than you need to so they can take it to school in thermos flasks for second lunch, if you don't fancy being bankrupted at the school canteen (see 2x teens doing lots of sports each week)
• Put a wash on each night so it is ready to hang in the mornings, even if it isn't quite full
• Put the dishwasher on each night, again even if it isn't quite full

Secondary school does get easier; you don't have to do the PTA, they are responsible for their own homework so you just have to remind them to do it. Get the dog walking onto the rota once the kids are old enough to take the dog out by themselves. Plus as they get older they will drop some of the activities themselves as they either age out (Cubs etc) or find alternatives.

There is something about sitting next to your teen in a car, and they don't have to look at you, which somehow gets them to talk to you about the world and everything. Some of the best conversations (about life and the universe, as well as things which are troubling them) have happened as I've been driving them around, my OH and my friends with teens the same age agree.

I think it really depends on where you live/what other families are up to because around here, there aren't many older kids having a kickabout in the park, available for playdates etc as they are mostly in activities. There are a lot of hours between school pickup and bed time, and if kids are active and sporty, there has to be a level of participation. And it's not about doing it as a career either, you need to be at a certain level to join in and get something out of it, play on your school team etc which is very enjoyable and rewarding for them.

We're in London zone 2, so everything is a short walk away - I would definitely not be up for driving around every night, sitting in car parks etc.

@throwa I couldn't agree more, re the magical properties of the car.

No wonder the mental health of kids is screwed in this country. We are raising hamsters on wheels not children. It is so depressing to read.

we are raising children with opportunities to play sport after school, join clubs, earn skills outside of education.

I've found my children's mental health is vastly improved by regular physical activity, the discipline needed to do these sports, the chance to have a settled friendship group outside of school cliques, and the fact that they're not spending hours on screens outside of school.

To improve in sports they are coached i.e. told they're doing something wrong (or, how they could do it better), and taught / shown / encouraged to do things differently, all to improve themselves in the sport. This feedback loop has really helped with their school work, in picking up from the teachers how to improve and better their school work.

But - my children are older. I don't see any point in 5 year olds being on this type of schedule when they haven't chosen to do this or are really not getting anything out of it. It is a trade off though - unless you expose your children to a range of things (sports, clubs, music, etc) they won't know that the options exist for them to get into their selected choice later on.

I think raising children to join in with clubs and be part of a community as well as improving their physical health improves their metal health. They are socialising, learning, away from screens and I agree about the value of car time for meaningful conversations. Certainly not hamsters on wheels. Even when mine were doing different things most days of the week there was plenty of time for TV, family walks and meals, chilling out etc. Now they are older they are established members of local sports clubs with associated social events which can only be a good thing.

@Lastchancechica seriously, without the hyperbole about me having PND, what do you think is an appropriate number of hobbies/activities for a 15 year old, 12 year old and 8 year old?

@Lastchancechica you are being so weird on this thread. The assumptions you're making are ridiculous.

We managed to switch DS' one club to a more local one as the travelling was ridiculous. But one thing I do miss a LITTLE, is that we spent at least 3 hours a week in the car just chit chatting. Having said that, I've found that with less time being required for this activity, DS is actually a lot chattier at home so I guess it all works out.

For my DC, these activities also give them a focus and something to talk about and a way to relate their experiences to other aspects of their lives. DD and I have been talking about the importance of exam prep in the context of her piano and dance exams, but the concepts will carry through as she gets older and needs to start preparing for academic exams. DS has learnt a lot about perseverance, practice and commitment from taking up a sport he was excited about but completely and totally inexperienced in, to now playing at a decent level. That also carries through into other aspects of his life and is part of our ongoing communication and engagement with him.

Op - one thing I think I forgot in my list of practical tips is try to keep one day a week where you do very little. We sometimes have matches on Sundays, but other than that, we do very little on Sundays and that's mostly for MY benefit. I need a day where I'm not getting up and rushing around or having to do things.

Sports England survey is interesting - ‘it shows that active children are happier, more resilient and more trusting of others and it’s also shown a positive association between being active and higher levels of mental well-being, individual development and community development’. To quote.

thanks for the thoughts about lifts and practicalities. We live semi rurally which means it’s tricky for the kids to get around on their own although all the activities are within 5-15 minutes drive so not hours of staring at the back of my head in the car. We actually eat dinner together at least 5 nights a week too so it’s not just the hamster wheel I promise.

Yes, I think that's true. One of the things I love about DD doing a lot of dance is that at her dance school, she is genuinely seen as an individual, she's learning great independence and she's also part of a broader community. Far more so than at school where she's near the top of her class and causes no trouble. There, they barely know who she is and her reports demonstrate a complete lack of insight into her abilities or challenges.

Not helpful in the slightest and very against the grain but DP and I have no children, our evenings are our own, dinner at 7.30 and then relax as we please. Anyone considering DC let this thread be a warning, your free time disappears.

If the activities are really important to you and your kids, with three, if they can't get there independently, you're going to be busy! Not much you can do about that though, I guess you just tough it out if you don't want them to drop anything. But why are you going to PTA meetings? Leave those to the people who don't work, and/or have fewer kids!

I know this isn't what you asked, but I do all of it on my own. I'd pay to have another adult to share the load with.

Cut back on activities and spend time at home with your family if this is too much.

For those that have younger children they ARE missing lullabies, stories, playing with their children, massage, fun bath times. Family dinners where they learn to be sociable and table manners etc. Cosy time that isn’t always capped to the next late pick up.

Nosemse @Lastchancechica You appear to be projecting massively.

What about people who require morning & after school club? would you levy the above accusations at them?

Dd3 is very bright and is predicted all 9s in her gcses and has been asked to consider Oxbridge ( her elder sisters with to Cambridge). She's quite good at time management. She loves rock climbing and wanted to do that regularly but I've had to say no. - she did spend whit in the Lake District rock climbing! Her grade 7 piano is in November so she'll reduce her practice after that and athletics is mostly just practice in the winter.

Glad you’re feeling a bit better about things OP.

I think some of this is slightly inevitable with three children, as if they each do two activities well, the maths is obvious…

I think there is a season for trying out lots of activities, but surely school work has to take precedence at some point. School may not set homework, but children can always benefit from spending time reading, exploring subjects that interest them or improving their understanding in different curriculum areas - perhaps using online resources. Obviously if they are the typical MN brilliant child this doesn’t apply!

However, may I put in a small plea for the PTA? A lot of people on this thread have been quite dismissive of it, but if everyone ‘ditched’ it then some things simply wouldn’t happen in a lot of schools. And no, parents with ‘more time’ don’t necessarily fill the gap…

Itcwont last forever. You'll miss it when it's over. When they pass their driving tests you can reclaim those lifts.

Yes, strip it back. If any of the activities are at school that makes it simpler. I'm older now, but had four children and tried to organise any other activities so that they were at places near to each other so only one journey was required. There was certainly not an activity every night, though I know that some mothers do try to do this.
If there is something that one child desperately wants to do, try to do it with another parent so that you can split the journeys.
Having to pack all your children into the car continuously to go and pick others up is exhausting for you and for them. Don't do it to yourself.

Surprised the 15 and 12 year old can't get themselves to their activities independently. Is there no public transport? Would definitely aim for hobbies closer to home & school for them.