How do I make life less tiring? Is this just life now?

[HighOverTheFenceLeapsSunnyJim]

Me and DH just feel in an endless cycle of exhausting life at the moment. We go from busy work into a whirlwind of kids activities etc - eg tonight DH finished work in time to collect DC2 from school to take to swimming, meanwhile I went from work to a PTA meeting, DH took DC2 from swimming to football, I got home from meeting to take DC1 to Cubs, DH got back with DC2 to eat supper, I went to collect from Cubs, DH took dog out, DC1 ate supper, I put kids to bed. this isn’t even an accurate representation as I can’t be bothered to explain where DC3 fitted in tonight.

Every night is like this. I feel like we slog through each week to get to the weekend (which is equally full of football, rugby etc)

is the only answer have fewer kids doing fewer activities? Are there life hacks out there? I think if we streamlined life elsewhere it would help but doesn’t feel like we’ve got the time!

just ugh. So tired.

I feel the same. So tired, all the time.

It’s majorly depressing - the competitiveness. It’s not about the children at all. It seems infectious too amongst parents. I had to really resist getting sucked in.

Balance is key. No wonder we have a poor mental health explosion. There is a limit as to what is healthy for the child, including sports and exercise. Poor kids. It is also going to compromise and impact their academic attainment, as there is no time to complete prep or reading properly and they must be exhausted and burnt out in school.

No it doesn't have to be your life right now, you can choose.

I am a lone parent, full time work. Unless I ask a lot of favours (yet not be in a position to return them) I can only do what I can do.

I also have my own interests which finally now DS2 is old enough to be left alone I can pursue.

What do you mean 'put kids to bed'? Surely only the 8 yo needs/wants tucking in.
It sounds like you are financially comfortable. Can you pay in some areas to streamline things.

Yu start by asking yourself what you want to achieve with your dcs re their childhood.
Is taking them to all sorts of activities, sometimes TWO activities in the same evening what you want to do? Does it teach them the right thing (to be busy all the time)? Is getting to the Football academy essential?

Fwiw, my dcs are now young adults. They did the whole ‘let’s do lots of activities after school. It’s so important for them’.
And now, do I think it was that essential? Well the stuff they REALLY were into yes. The stuff that they did because everyone else is? Nope. The stuff they did because ‘it’s would be good for them’? Neither.
If I have one regret, it’s to not have planned much more 1-1 time with each of them. Time to talk about their day, their friends etc… time to be together rather than present as a parent that praises, redirects, punishes etc…

It does get easier, soo much easier. Things had already started calming down for my two teenagers when Covid hit. They never got back into the clubs after that as they hit the GCSE years and didn’t want to go back. I hated the endless in and out for clubs, parties etc. I still drive them around a fair bit but it’s a lot less. I was chair of the PTA so once they left primary I stopped that too. I now feel I have more time on my hands but I’m older so I’m still tired lol.

I don’t miss it. I know that sounds bad but I would rather be out for hours then home for good, not all the in for an hour and going out again. I spend more time with my girls now as we all have less time constraints. They have busy social lives but not at the expense of school/college work so I definitely see them more and it’s quality time, not sitting in traffic time.

This is why I stopped all but swimming and one other activity each.

it was exhausting…collecting kids, dropping them off homework, dinner, I was out till 8 nearly every evening! On top of working full time

Mine were told that I can’t carry on doing it! They have suffered now adverse affects from not doing all of them.

I also notice that the over scheduled kids come to our house and ask/ wait for instructions even in a room full of toys they didn’t play with them. It was unnerving and hard work having these kids over.

Also, you have 3 dcs.

And I’m going to be harsh but you simply cannot devote as much time for each child than you would if you only had one.
With 3 dcs, taking each of them to an activity more or less every day of the week isn’t a manageable expectation. You can’t split yourself into two or three.

Maybe that means one activity each evening. So two activity days per child.
Weekends planned with family and down time included as a matter of fact - if you have a calendar and out the dcs activities there (football matches, rugby etc….) add ‘day out as a family’ or ‘time at home’ and gives it the same importance than the matches etc…
Because that downtime is ESSENTIAL and your dcs need to learn it is too.

And btw, your are NOT FAILING if your dcs don’t have an activity each evening. Even if other parents ‘manage’ or they all seem to be doing 100 different things.

YOU ARE NOT FAILING if your dc ‘only’ does one activity a week. Or if you say NO to an activity that takes more and more space into their life (like football 3 times a week plus matches?? That’s taking more than half of the week just doing that. Stop just stop)

No that’s not my normal. One evening a week only and weekend sports. I couldn’t do your schedule. You must be exhausted.

Would have thought this to be obvious if you decide to have so many kids and activities booked. Get rid of the dog and activities ... pick your kids up at 3.30 and just stay home all evening.

I always find it bizarre how competitive the whole activities thing is. Lots of over anxious parents thinking that doing back 2 back activities 7 days a week is being a superior parent.

but nobody actually thinks that...

Children need time to decompress from the stress and noise of school, to calmly speak about their day and experiences and be properly heard - this is essential as they go into secondary school and it becomes more complex.
To have patient help with homework and to be able to complete it in a quiet place to a high standard.
To eat nutritious meals together
To enjoy their toys, the garden, their pets and home. To build tree houses, dens, hatch butterflies and have time to paint, play instruments and rest.

Harassed, exhausted children turn into over anxious teens with mh problems unable to unwind or relax they have no idea how to take care of themselves, and relieve the external pressure. It can lead to self harming, GAD and depression. I work with these kids, and it depresses the hell out of me.

It's all very well for others to say, "do less". I completely understand the desire to do the activities, especially if the kids enjoy them and get value from them. My sister likes to tell me I take on too much... drives me mad because my children do the same amount (or less) than hers. It's just that her children are at private school so at least half their activities are organised by the school AND she has a part time after school helper who does some of the ferrying around, dinner prep, homework overseeing etc....

Having said that, you do need to prioritise. Look at what can go - eg the PTA - or can be outsourced - eg dog walking - or can be combined - eg also dog walking (I have joined the parents at football with dogs walking around the fields) or shopping (DD's dance class is the perfect length for a weekly shop).

Also think a bit smarter about logistics - we haven't nailed this but we do have a few people who we do lift clubs/ childcare swaps with sometimes. eg I'll take DD and her friend to swimming one week, and her mum does the next. DH's work schedule is about to change so I'm currently negotiating with another mum on a new lift club arrangement for DS as otherwise I'm dragging DD out quite late at night.

Also, the older ones should be looking at public transport or their own way to get around. DS has found a bus to one of his activities - it's a bit of an awkward one as it gets him there too early, but we have it up our sleeve as an option. He walked home from a school activity the other day even though it was a bit later than he'd normally be out.

Children need time to decompress from the stress and noise of school, to calmly speak about their day and experiences and be properly heard - this is essential as they go into secondary school and it becomes more complex.
To have patient help with homework and to be able to complete it in a quiet place to a high standard.
To eat nutritious meals together
To enjoy their toys, the garden, their pets and home. To build tree houses, dens, hatch butterflies and have time to paint, play instruments and rest.

But there are plenty of dc who do no activities & don't get the above. Lots of dc don't have gardens or pets....

We have experienced several different schools for the last 18 years, and yes those parents do believe that running Jemima ragged is being loving, and even superior.

@GingerIsBest yes, private school finishes later & clubs generally go on longer. I don't think all those dc are emotionally stunted though!

The DC aren't the stressed ones here, it's OP and her DH. Because with three children and two full time jobs, it doesn't matter if the DC are only doing one or two activities each, it becomes complex for the adults to manage it.

They can go to the woods, parks and enjoy outside play entirely for free, and join a local animal charity/refuge to walk dogs.

Oh god yes, many parents think that way.
And put much pressure on others about it too.

@Lastchancechica I work in schools & have my own dc & have never heard anyone think 2 activities every single night is the goal.

Did I imply they're emotionally stunted? I think it's fine. I wish I had the money to allow my children to do activities without me having to manage all the logistics. It sounds like the perfect way to get value for children without stressing myself out.

@GingerIsBest only if their parents can facilitate that. I assume we are talking about primary aged dc.

@GingerIsBest I was agreeing with you.

In my experience it puts huge pressure on the children AND parents.