MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

[BritishDesiGirl]

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

I wouldn't even agree to him living in your house, how would this work? You have children to consider here, not just from the added expense point of view but also from the point of view who he will he inviting back to your house. I wouldn't want late night randoms in my house! He needs to take out a loan and sort himself out.

Are you quite sure he did pay them back

Was the loan of money from the DH’s parents?

How is this man having 'expensive tastes for shoes' when esentially he will live on borrowed money to show he can even entered the country?

Well - I'm guessing you're not British then. As any British person would promptly basically think "Why the heck is she even planning to let him stay in her home rent-free?" and, at best (from his pov) he'd be told to pay his share towards bills and for his food. As for the thought of giving him money personally = !!!!!!!!!! He could swivel and there'd be no way he'd sponge off me even for his food or clothes or social life or anything. He'd be expected to consider himself EXTREMELY lucky to be able to live rent-free under my roof - never mind anything else. That would apply even if I was very comfortably off and could afford to have him sponge off me. So that's your British answer summed-up in a nutshell......

It would make much more sense for him to apply to the University for accommodation.

I would send him the details he needs!

Sounds more matriarchal, the MIL is calling the shots.

https://www.gov.uk/student-visa/money

This type of piss taking is based on the joint family system where the wife serves the husband’s family, I’m assuming father in law is not on the scene so the role then falls to the mil as she is next in the pecking order. This never happens with the wife’s family because the wife is there to serve his family as it’s his bloodline, the mil is serving the patriarchy as was expected of her.

I have to say I find a way to duck this one. There is a touch of kobayashi maru about all this: unless you cave in and shut up there is gonna be a row. To that end I would plead poverty and simply say you can only afford to give him basic subsistence. If you want to be a bit dark you could say 'oh MIL we are so sorry: we can only afford to give BIL the very basics. In fact, we were going to ask YOU for some money towards our house else we will never manage to move'. My guess is that this will get you to a scenario where you cover basic bed and board and MIL gives him cash and MIL will never mention it again.

Why can’t he stay with mum in law? Suggest she could advise him about searching for work and the possible visa he may need for that?

She is in Pakistan.

Your husband has pretty much created the problems. By taking a long an instead of insisting his parents chipped in, and by sending them money every month he has given them the impression that he is rich and can afford to be tapped up for money. Even when they are now considerably taking the P he won’t say anything, The problem is he has dragged you and the children into his mess. You could have had enough money to buy a house long ago if he’d not been so useless.

Loan not long

I think the whole family including her Dh knew that OP would be bailing him out. Hence them sending bil over to burden OP too. What is common is these men marrying British women (usually within their extended relatives) who earn their own money which enables the men then to send money back home, leaving very little for their own wives and children. OP knew from the outset she would be indirectly funding his family but did not realise the extent. Her husband knew and I’m sad for OP as clearly there is pressure for her to put up with this nonsense.

I love how the first answer on AIBU threads is usually spot on the money! (no pun intended in this case) 😂

Can't you tell you MIL that your rental property is very cramped and poky, and suggest that she might like to buy you all a bigger house? Two years is a looong time to have an extra, expensive and demanding "guest" to stay, family or not.

At least she is in a different country.
Does she expect BIL to come ask you for a pair of shoes you buy or an allowance for living expenses.
Think very generous giving him bed & board. He is an adult so have the conversation with him when he arrives. Expectations on both sides perhaps his are not the same as his mother's.

Your first priority is to your own children. You have already supported an adult while he paid for his university loans. You don't intend to do another one. The difference in your husband's situation and his brothers is that your husband now has a family.

He will have to provide financial documentation to the student immigration team at his University to obtain a CAS that shows he has sufficient funds to live and support himself while he studies in the UK. He won’t be able to get a visa otherwise. He can’t just turn up with nothing and expect family to pay for everything.

Or is it that money that he has to prove he has will not be used and therefore he is going to obtain his CAS and visa by false means??

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

Do you have expensive shoes, @BritishDesiGirl ?

And nice days out? if not, why the hell should you work so that he does!

Does your MIL work full time?

So your husband wasn’t even loaned money from his family, but had to sort his own loan to start you off in marriage?
Bloody hell even just having him to live with you in rented for 3 years with no input is just a no from me.
You DH tells them that if you are covering living costs you can’t give money, or you stop the £200 to your MIL and give that instead.
I know it’s considered traditional and culturally expected, but my ND brain says fuck off to being expected to do stuff just because elders. Probably why my MIL hates me!

Tell your DH to grow some and laugh in the face of this mum and brother. Keep all your money in a separate bank account where non one else can touch it.

Tell them all to fuck right off!

MIL ... insists that my daughter calls her mum which l absolutely hate but when l ask my husband to tell her , he refuses.

OP this is insanity! Get rid of that useless husband - what use is he? He's an asshole. Then you won't have to deal with the evil MIL as much. And tell your daughter NEVER to call her grandma "mum"

Why can’t he stay with his mother?