MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

[BritishDesiGirl]

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

Ah the good old freeloading desi mentality! It's not your responsibility to handle this! It's your DHs! Women need to stop putting themselves in the firing line with the husband's family, especially HIS PRECIOUS MOTHER! I think it's a but much that you've both even agreed to basically parent a grown man. If he can't afford his way, he needs to stay put. He's not your burden to bear. I wouldn't even house a man in this way as a woman. If it was a female, maybe, because.... ah forget it. So much wrong with this entire set up. I cba typing. Sorry. But yeah... wtaf to the expectation! I'd flip the table and ask MIL if she was joking, and when she insists she's not; I'd tell her HER SON will be calling her, and I'd expect my DH to step the F up and do what's so obviously the right thing in this scenario! Unless obviously you have no confidence he can, wants to or will... then you've chosen the good old desi lifestyle that we should have evolved from!

This is exactly what I see happening - DIL being slave for MIL's precious son.

Your DH advises his mother that he had to get a loan which he then had to pay off. Therefore his brother will have to do the same

it is agreed that you both will fund food, and provide a place to live. Any other costs on top if that BIL has to fund, either by a job, a loan, or her providing the money

WTAF! No way!

"Sorry, we have our own children to fund, we can't afford another grown up child. Perhaps it'll be better if he makes other arrangements if that's the expectation".

I think you need to stop using MIL as a go between and have a sit down FaceTime with BIL prior to him arriving and lay it on the line.

No way. No. Nope. Tell MIL she can house him and fund it.

So the MIL loaned your husband the money for his studies, but expects your husband to fully fund his younger brother? Apart from anything else - how is this fair?

The proposed amount of freeloading makes me uncomfortable on your behalf. Can't imagine anything worse than some random male relative living with me and my family for more than two years. But your husband needs to sort this, it's his problem not yours, and he needs to find the word 'no' and use it.

UPDATE

Thankyou to everyone for their comments, all appreciated 👍

*Just to clarify we do have permission for my BIL to live with us from our landlord.

*BIL has no money of his own but enough money has been loaned by other family members to fund his course and to show enough funds.

• ln our culture it is considered normal to pay for your children's wedding and gold for DIL - in-laws didn't do this and my DH took a £20,000 loan which was kept secret from me until after the marriage.

I funded everything for 2.5 yrs while he paid this back.

When l confronted my MIL about this loan as she was the one who had asked for the money on behalf of my husband, she said that everyone does this and that l hadn't been deceived.

• My MIL has never in 6 yrs of marriage ever bought me anything and my husband pays for anything we ask them for. He also gives them £200 a month and has helped with medical bills.

*BIL will be getting a part time job when he gets here.

• MIL operates a business like arrangement with her children but doesn't seem to accept that this is something l want to do in terms of loaning BIL money.

My MIL struggles with boundaries, she insists that my daughter calls her mum which l absolutely hate but when l ask my husband to tell her , he refuses.

Just read your update. I would think long and hard about loaning your BiL money.

He may agree and say all the right things about paying you back but think carefully. Is he likely to be able to do this? Is he staying here after masters or going home? Would he moan and feel sorry for himself if he had to pay rent and all the normal things and then find the money to pay you back?

My DH has been utterly shafted by two brothers. I kept my mouth shut for too long. In the end I had to point out in detail what our respective lives were like. Compare each part of his compared to his brothers and mine compared to them and their wives. I told him it was a slap in the face to be putting my income into the pot whilst he dished it out to his family whose lifestyles far and away exceeded our own.

Also your costs will go up just feeding and housing one extra adult. Can your family afford to send that £200 a month home now and save for a secure home for your children?

Partying 20yo needing funds for whatever new experiences he can get his hands on and little kids are not a good or appropriate mix.

Quiet, studious boy, one thing, guy with expensive tastes, no chance.

I understand the family pressure, but I think if you agree to him moving in, it will be the THIN END of a big wedge. He will have to stay with you for longer than two years as he gets his first post Masters job, which will be on an entry salary and will not be easily able to find alternative accommodation.
Once you'be accepted this family pressure the demands will increase... you accepted A, why won't you accept a little B, you are already agreeing to A and B, how much further is C to keep the family peace.
In fact, this has already started. You agreed in principle to let him stay (A) now you are being asked for driving lessons (B) because it makes sense for him to be able to get himself around and so on.
Please make your DH factor in all the other financial and personal costs entailed with him living there. Think about the extra cost of having to shop and cook for someone else's preferred food, and probably being stuck with their laundry etc. Whilst he's learning to drive, is he independent, willing to walk, cycle or use public transport or would he expect frequent lifts everywhere?

If you did allow him to move in. Attitude would be all. How well do you know him. Is he a co-operative grateful, considerate, tidy sort of person who clearly doesn't want to put you out and would be willing to share the chores, particularly the ones he creates. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you think he would respect your home and more importantly you. Or is he unaware, selfish type who thinks that you working to support him as you did your own DH is just his due. Because MIL certainly thinks that and so it's likely that he thinks as he has been taught to. Could you bear having someone entitled living with you for two years - and probably more.

Even if your DH says he will foot the cost. Its still coming out of your joint family income in a cost of living crisis - any money he spends on his brother ( and this is NOT a small amount - UK students (my DS) get a maintenance loan of just under £4k a year and this doesn't even fully cover accommodation in most cases.

At the end of the day, his staying with you sets back your plan to save to buy your own house for several years at best - and entry prices whilst dipped at the moment will only go up in the future - putting your own family's goals even further away.
The money YOU earn that is not going into your savings could be going into your own pension, or into savings for your children's future - for their university education. And the way things are going, state subsidies for these things will be slimmer in the future.
Instead of that it will be going to BILs. Its not a loan because the chances of him agreeing on the amount or paying you back when he comes from a home where this is expected of you - are very slim indeed. Ask your DH to imagine what it will be like if one of you, is made redundant or has an accident and can't work, or your children, god forbid, need extra medical attention. Or when the time comes, they can't afford to go on to higher education - because savings you invest now could help pay for that - but its gone to supporting BIL instead, when MIL could do it.
Do your sums. Do a spreadsheet for DH.
BTW, I'm not saying don't be a kind relative and help BIL, have him over for dinner, help in an emergency, help him get settled and become independent. Just don't let him move in on the basis MIL suggests.

Sorry OP.
I wrote that before seeing your recent up date.
You yourself paid £20k for your own wedding effectively, by supporting DH whilst he paid it back. This wasn't a loan you even knew about or agreed to and MIL saying you did know about it is lying and changing the narrative. Did you personally even want a £20k wedding?

Ask a financial advisor how much £200 invested over this time period would have amounted to if invested. How much would it build up in a pension fund? Get a print out and show DH.

but the main trouble is would DH even take notice of any of this as he is so invested in doing what his mother tells him.

Maybe BIL would pay back the "loan" if he agreed how much it was, but how long would this take.

I accept that your DH comes from a family where this is the norm. But he has his own family now and needs to provide for them first and foremost. He's paid back the loan. How much more will they want from him.

Make sure you keep your job and your own savings from now on. BIL is MIL's son and her responsibility not yours. Your MIL's behaviour shows she doesn't give a damn what you think, She doesn't think you count and sees your income as something you should be contributing to her and not question.

Your mother in law sounds like a money grabbing b* keen to offload all of her responsibilities on to you.

I would not be having any of this, you refuse on he grounds of the landlord’s rules - you have the perfect reason right there.

But the bigger problem here is your dh’s continued deception, and his subservience to his mother. You have a massive dh problem. Until he is able to get away from his mothers clutches you are going to be fighting a losing battle. She sounds extremely controlling and coercive, and quite frankly unless your dh can grow a backbone things are going to be difficult.

Keep an eagle eye on all of your bank accounts, and tell dh you will not stand for any more lies around money.

And every time ‘Its grandma dd, not Mum, grandma does seem to get a little mixed up these days’ every single time.

I think you and your husband need to start putting your own children first in your financial decisions going forward.

@BritishDesiGirl op just read your update. given you are Pakistani, I am assuming you are Muslim.

sadly in South Asian culture, all the rights of women in Islam are ignored and imaginary rights are created for men.

1. the gold you receive for your wedding is part of your mahr. the mahr seals the marriage contract. without payment of mahr,one can argue that the nikah is not valid. so if you helped pay back the loan for the mahr, that part of the mahr has effectively been paid. you should seek urgent redress regarding this.

1. all your money is yours. your husband has 100% responsibility for not just financially supporting you and the children but also ensuring your comfort. this includes the right to your own private home without the presence of his family members especially a non mahrem.

1. yes he has a duty to support his family, but the responsibility to you and his children absolutely trumps any duty to his brother.

also by not disclosing financial information prior to marriage he effectively deceived you/your family. in terms of the nikah contract, this is extremely significant.

and 'everyone does it' by your MIL is not a valid argument. I really hate it when the elders say that. especially when the 'everyone' they are referring to are a bunch of hypocritical nut jobs. don't engage with MIL. break it down for your husband. explain to him that your rights need to be upheld and that by financially supporting BIL, he will effectively be reneging his duty to his own children. you can also firmly state you will not be picking up the Financial shortfall and that he should fully pay your mahr

OP -This.

Having read your update @BritishDesiGirl, I'd be thinking long and hard about whether I would want to remain married into a system where these are the terms and conditions of marriage and I'd really have to consider, particularly with a MiL like the one you have, whether this man would be the one I'd be staying married to forever. He's not standing up for you and your children.

Why is your husband giving his parents £200 a month when they have several thousand pounds to spare to lend to their children?

And why does anyone think it's their duty to fund your BIL while he does the MA? I can understand it for an undergraduate degree, but an MA is usually optional and you would expect the person who wants it to fund it. Even if he particularly needs it for his chosen profession, for most people the expectation would be that he does it around earning a living, and/or takes out a bank loan.

You said "We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa." Why shouldn't he start paying rent at that point, and indeed paying back anyone who has helped him financially?

You have a massive dh problem. Until he is able to get away from his mothers clutches you are going to be fighting a losing battle. She sounds extremely controlling and coercive, and quite frankly unless your dh can grow a backbone things are going to be difficult.

This. Your MIL and BIL sound like real CF but your DH sounds like a wet weekend.

How are you ever going to be able to afford to buy your own house?

do not loan him ANY money, not even with a contract. You and yours come first. You do not want 20 years down the line thinking if only I hadn't. You're being plenty generous as it is

I think your BiL can share in what you have, like food, a roof over his head, laundry etc., but no personal expenditure. Tell your MIL you will most definitely not offer your BIL any extra luxuries. He can take a student job if he wants that kind of money.

My MIL struggles with boundaries, she insists that my daughter calls her mum which l absolutely hate but when l ask my husband to tell her , he refuses

Not to do with your BIL, but there’s your problem right there. You’ve married a mummy’s boy who’s willingly tied himself to his mother’s apron strings. You are below his mother in his mind. Why are you letting your DD call her grandmother “Mum”? Apart from the fact you hate it, it’s bloody weird and creepy.

As for your BIL, don’t let him stay. He can stay on campus or rent a room. Certainly don’t loan him any money! He’s an adult. If he couldn’t afford to do an MA, he shouldn’t have arranged to do one. If you let him stay, you’ll be saddled with him for ages. Say that you’ve had to reassess and it’s now not possible. An MA is a luxury not a necessity.

My MIL struggles with boundaries, she insists that my daughter calls her mum which l absolutely hate but when l ask my husband to tell her , he refuses

I missed that bit, that's extremely creepy.

Look out, OP, MIL's going to edge you out of the family completely given the chance, and your spineless husband won't do a thing to stop her.