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Original poster

MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

269 replies

BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:21

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

OP posts:
LittleObe · 13/09/2023 13:44

He can work part time for all the extras like travel and fancy clothes. Like most other students do.

SheilaFentiman · 13/09/2023 13:50

At the very least, can your DH say to MIL that he can’t send the £200 per month any more as thjs will be needed to cover extra food, electricity, water etc for Dbil?

TrustyRusty68 · 13/09/2023 15:48

Not really sure what it’s got to do with your MIL? If he’s doing a masters, he’s obviously an adult so should be sorting his own affairs. Very nice of you to offer him a roof over his head, but he should be paying his way! Why should you be out of pocket & pay for his food, bills etc.
if MIL wants to fund his lifestyle - good for her - perhaps he could go & live with her instead!!

Interested in this thread?

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Families
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/09/2023 17:06

Yes. Why can't he live with MIL. Problem solved.

beyourownchampion · 13/09/2023 17:33

The fact that you’ve even agreed to have him live with you rent free means you are some kind of saint and I take my hat off to you.
There’s no way on this Earth I’d agree to a relative living with my family for two years…. It’s the recipe for fall outs, stress, everyone on top of each other, oh and also resentment! That your BIL is swanning around like a lazy student and you’re funding it.

Have a word with BIL and MIL and tell them what you are prepared to do and pay for. This is your home and life, no one else’s and they have no right to dictate or expect anything!

You are in control OP. Set the boundaries and stick to them.

Sennelier1 · 13/09/2023 17:34

She demands your daughter calls her "mum"?!?! That's so horribel! My MIL always insisted that my babies were her babies as well, she demanded she come to the midwife and bought several baby-stuff things I wanted to choose myself. I was lucky unough DP told her to stop it. But of course, he always called his parents mamie and papie and so did our children 🤷🏼‍♀️ still a form of "mother". I didn't like it but I wasn't capable of stopping this 😢

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 13/09/2023 17:38

I wouldn't even want him to stay with me. I'd say he has to find somewhere else.

The rest is just bonkers.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 13/09/2023 17:40

You have a husband problem. He needs to stand up to his bullying mother. Good luck with that.

I'd have been furious that I had to support him for years while he paid off a loan he hadn't told me about.

Couples need to be honest for a relationship to survive.

SheilaFentiman · 13/09/2023 17:45

All the people suggesting BIL stays with MIL - I assume MIL either lives in Pakistan or lives in a different part of the uk than BIL’s Uni.

misteek · 13/09/2023 17:45

doesnt the MIL live in Pakistan?

WomanHereHear · 13/09/2023 17:45

I’m ‘desi’ too and this looks like a typical desi husband problem. It’s up to him to have boundaries with his mother. No point having a tissy about your mil when your husband is allowing this shit show in the first place. As a pp asked, what would be the consequences if you say no? From what I know about desi men, nothing happens without their permission, but they will tell you their hands are tied and when you kick up a fuss they’ll accuse you of breaking up the family etc. many desi women I know just put up as they don’t want a divorce, the in laws carry on because they know the woman doesn’t want a divorce.

WomanHereHear · 13/09/2023 17:47

This is aged old patriarchal tradition which doesn’t seem to go away in some communities even in the U.K.

WomanHereHear · 13/09/2023 17:55

Wow op I have just read your update about the £20k loan. Was this marriage arranged? I would have been getting a divorce as soon as I found out and if there was any pressure from your family to remain in the marriage, you should have asked them to pay the loan off. I’m shocked that you paid the loan off for him, is he really such a catch that you would do all this for him, my guess is not. You deserve better, I’m sorry you felt you had to put up with all this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/09/2023 18:02

ln our culture it is considered normal to pay for your children's wedding and gold for DIL - in-laws didn't do this and my DH took a £20,000 loan which was kept secret from me until after the marriage

I funded everything for 2.5 yrs while he paid this back

Are you quite sure he did pay them back, or was it just a way to get you to contribute more? Clearly your MIL doesn't think much of you, and it wouldn't be hard to imagine her coming up with an idea like this

Anyway what's your DH's view of this ridiculous plan to fund your BIL? I don't think you've said ...

Poppyblush · 13/09/2023 18:03

Fuck that! You’ll never see a penny of it. this is your and your kids futures…. It is potential for divorce.

Glasgomammy · 13/09/2023 18:11

Nah no chance, he’s a full grown man … if that’s what she’s expecting … he can go live with her

Jl2014 · 13/09/2023 18:18

Tell her to piss if. Seriously. No pandering or pussy footing around is required for such a ridiculous request.

Some situations need delicate management but this is ridiculous.

topnoddy · 13/09/2023 18:19

The phrase i'd use "You Can Go Bollocks !" to all of them !

Lampzade · 13/09/2023 18:23

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 12/09/2023 20:24

From a Pakistani cultural perspective:

My sister had this issue and it was proposed that a male relative of her husband's stay with my sister and her husband plus little child. If her husband hadn't, then our own father would have shot it down at once. It's not appropriate in the tiny homes that we have in the UK for us to be living in such close quarters with non-mahram males, and my sister is far from being a hijabi conservative. She has a degree and like you, has drive and works to earn her way. You shouldn't be forced to do this either. Presumably there would be times you'd be left alone in the house with the BIL without your husband - totally inappropriate. If you're not Muslim then this is unlikely to apply.

Be wary of loans - they won't be paid back.
Also be aware, depending on yours and your husband's citizenship status, I don't know if you could get into legal hot water if the BIL decides to break the terms of the student visa or overstay the visa. The fact that he's work shy suggests he is actually planning to do the degree but you never know.

Thirdly the official line is YOU HAVE NO OPINION ON THE MATTER. Your DH needs to express to his family that whilst you are the ever accommodating and generous person, HE is uncomfortable with the living arrangement and would not wish his wife to be uneasy. HE doesn't think it's a good idea. HIS finances can't manage it. The number of in-laws relationships that could be salvaged by you all handling your own wacko families' unreasonable requests and protecting your own spouse from them is astonishing.

This
I am not South Asian but I agree that your dh should do all the talking.
In addition, your dh should be the one showing your bil how to do domestic chores . you don’t want MIL accusing YOU of turning her son into a slave .

Milliemoo6 · 13/09/2023 18:31

Is this a joke? Why on earth would you fund his lifestyle if you can't afford it? Surely letting him live rent free for a whole year is more than enough?!

laveritable · 13/09/2023 18:32

How do you know your MIL "expects" ??? You know she is going to get bashed on this platform , don't you? I am sure it is a cultural issue too?

tiredofthenoise · 13/09/2023 18:46

There are cultural differences at play here that I can't fully understand as an outsider, but you shouldn't just go along with this. Your husband needs to refuse this ridiculous expectation. Offering your BIL free room and board is extremely generous and kind—and that should be where it ends. If he can't afford to pay the rest of his way (or find someone else to give him a loan), he will have to find another path forward. It's not your responsibility to fund a grown man's lifestyle.

EggInANest · 13/09/2023 18:48

You can't loan your BIL money because you can't afford it!

You haven't got a house, you can't put off buying a house in order to bank roll your BIL!

You need to be very very clear with your DH. You supported him while he was paying his loan to MIL, you are not prepared to hell out again for BIL. Your DH needs to tell his brother that he can live at your house (and that is MORE than generous if you include food!!) but that is the extent of your financial support.

He can tell his brother that it is 100% normal here for students even exalted Masters students, to get a p/t job and find their expenses.

Cherrysoup · 13/09/2023 18:52

So your Dh needs to stop sending the £200 ‘home’ every month, he can’t be expected to fund his brother and still send funds home, sod the cultural norms. How can you fund him, send the money home and save up for a house? Don’t tolerate this just because it’s ‘normal’ for the family. Mil needs to offer the same deal your Dh had.

Honeychickpea · 13/09/2023 19:09

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/09/2023 18:02

ln our culture it is considered normal to pay for your children's wedding and gold for DIL - in-laws didn't do this and my DH took a £20,000 loan which was kept secret from me until after the marriage

I funded everything for 2.5 yrs while he paid this back

Are you quite sure he did pay them back, or was it just a way to get you to contribute more? Clearly your MIL doesn't think much of you, and it wouldn't be hard to imagine her coming up with an idea like this

Anyway what's your DH's view of this ridiculous plan to fund your BIL? I don't think you've said ...

I would be concerned that as the dh has been less than transparent about finances in the past, he might be concealing some information about this situation as well.