Selling parents home for care fees

[year12clueless]

I need some quick advice- both moral and legal.

I've been largely estranged from my parents for years. Occasional visits if I'm in the area (several hundred mikes from where I live now) and phone calls at Xmas etc. They're fine with this as am I.

They have a 4 bed house somewhere nice. For the past 36 years they have had their friend "Bob" living with them. He moved in when I was a teenager as he was apparently struggling to find somewhere to live. Honestly it was a very strange set up (everyone, including my parents had their own bedroom) and Bob is a little peculiar. However the three of them have lived together happily. Bob is a big reason for the estrangement between us- we never got on, he was sometimes very unpleasant to me (verbally) and my parents never defended me. Honestly they've been happier just the 3 of them.

Mum is now in hospice care and not expected to last much longer. Dad and Bob have been visiting her daily and after a recent visit the hospice called adult protective services. They visited the house and found it in a reasonable condition (Bob was very house proud!) but identified that my Dad's care needs were such that Bob couldn't look after him alone any more. Turns out Dads dementia is bad (this was hidden from me) and Bob had a slight stroke meaning he can't lift or manage dad who is doubly incontinent etc.

I've now been told that the best solution for dad will be a care home.

The issue- apparently the house will need to be sold to fund this. However this will leave Bob homeless. He hasn't even got the full state pension as he never really found a job he liked. He's about 10 years younger than dad and apart from weakness from the stroke he's healthy.

I have seen my parents will. They left the house to me but Bob has the right to stay in it until he dies. However they didn't think about this situation. Bob has never paid any rent or anything so there's not even a rental contract.

Honestly I dislike Bob intensely. However I can't see him homeless. But I'm not sure what the legal position is. I've spoken to the council who refused to consider him in their calculations and just kept telling me the house should be sold.

-I need to not upset mum in her final weeks

• do the best thing for dad (care home)
• hold my nose and try to help Bob

Does anyone know what the legal situation is with regard to Bob? I can't really afford a solicitor ATM and whilst mum and dad have money I can't access it (Bob can though as he's got their bank card!)

I spoke to Age Uk and the woman said this was new to her (!) and she'd speak to someone and call me back but they haven't. All this will take time to set up and so I need to start making decisions now.

Has anyone got any information or advice?

Good decision, OP.

Wheels in motion, and walk away.

Well done OP. You're one strong woman. Take care.

All the best for the future OP. 💐

Good luck OP.

DH is a high level commercial contract negotiator, who is used to dealing with global companies on billion pound contracts. Dealing with his DM through dementia, hospital, social care was without doubt the most difficult and stressful 'job' he has ever had to do.

Just keep an eye on your dad to make sure he's getting the care he needs, Bob is not your responsibility.

Oh no no no. The OP is most definitely NOT responsible for paying anything at all.

I think your decision is a very wise one. As others have said, social care will definately be all over the finances, and will appoint someone who will be required by law (and without any way of personally benefitting) to act as POA - so Bob's days may be numbered. He will however be on their radar, so not doubt will be granted some discretionary time for them possibly to rehouse him, maybe in sheltered accommodation, maybe temporary. But he wont be drawing any money from their account again, he will be living on his own pension. If he doesnt qualify for the full whack, then Im assuming his own social worker will help/advise him as to extra benefits such as pension credit. He will be OK

He wont be able to have that lifetime interest in living in the house, because that only kicks in when your parents die.

(When we were less estranged they missed my graduation as Bob didn't get a ticket (I was only allocated 2) and he was unwell on the actual day.

@year12clueless I know you’ve made your decision and it’s a wise one, but reading this, just underlines for me even more that it’s the right decision.

I hope you find some peace and freedom from the shackles of filial duty and responsibility and Bob “squatting” in your life. You deserve it.

wishing you all the best OP

>He wont be able to have that lifetime interest in living in the house, because that only kicks in when your parents die

That rather depends on who said what to whom, and when. An estoppel likely already exists to prevent the parents from evicting Bob without compensation. He might not get to stay in the house, but he could easily be due a big sum of money instead. It’s very much tied up with whether Bob has been looking after the parents or doing or doing duties around the house - if he’s been cleaning the whole house regularly in a way a regular lodger wouldn’t, that’s significant. You should look up some of the case law on the subject.

Well there will be repercussions for her father when Bob can't get food for him or pay for petrol or taxi to get him to the hospice to visit his dying wife.

Yes OP says They visited the house and found it in a reasonable condition (Bob was very house proud!) but identified that my Dad's care needs were such that Bob couldn't look after him alone any more so that sounds like he has been cleaning the house and looking after the father. Whether people on here like it or not he may well have rights.

Op, Bob is the responsibility of the the state not you.

Also unfortunately I think unless you make him homeless he can't be helped but I'm ready to be corrected on that

I think you are doing the right thing. I have LPA for an elderly relative with dementia. We were close, she never had children, I want the best for her but the last ten years have been incredibly difficult. At one stage I was rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack, it was stress. I do what I can but I have had to accept she doesn't even know who I am.

I can't imagine going through all that for someone I wasn't close to.

I have a family full of autistic members with some very weird relationships, so nothing about the set up shocks me @year12clueless in the way it seems to have shocked others. My aunt lived for many years in a marriage where a random second woman moved in ("Izzy" was what I knew her as, but fuck knows if that was her name). She and her husband were in a very niche religion/borderline cult and so was Izzy. Aunt and uncle lived where they grew up/were local to but Izzy was 300 odd miles from "home". Much speculation in the family they might be a really prudish thruple (aunt was super weird about sex/affection and they had no kids) or that Izzy and uncle were a thing (or even sung and Izzy were a thing) but I think the truth was that they were just three unusual people who were happy living like that, even though it was weird to mainstream people. They also had a menagerie of animals- parrots, budgies, rabbits, cats and Guinea pigs.

Uncle eventually left aunt and disappeared off the face of the earth and aunt and Izzy lived together for some years. Then Izzy met a man on a rambling holiday called John who moved on with aunt and Izzy. About five years later John got a job abroad and he and Izzy moved. Aunt now lives in a kind of female commune for her religion/cult.

So by comparison the whole your parents/Bob thing sounds pretty normal/standard.

I don't blame you for deciding to have no part in it- let Bob sort your father out. It's not your circus or your monkeys... you aren't POA or anything, it's not your problem to solve. I am sorry that this has been your experience of having parents though.

Agree with this. Difficult situation but he is not the priority here, your parents are. They need the right care.

Apologies missed your update.

Very sensible, hope everything works out for you.

Hi @year12clueless , whilst I appreciate you feel that you have reached a decision it might be worth asking for your post to be moved to the legal board and hearing opinions from qualified professionals as your position is very complicated.
Good luck 💐

I think you have made the right decision, OP.

It may be that Bob has rights to continue living in the house, in which case let SS pick up the expense and stress of evicting him. Or else if he has rights, they will need to pick up the cost of care as the house is unavailable to sell.

Your parents’ wills stand, anyway. Once they are both gone, Bob has his year in the house.

Curious what you mean by Bob "has his year in the house"?

As stipulated in the OP's parents' will. However, I mistook and for some reason thought their wills said a year - not a whole life interest for Bob.