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Original poster

Selling parents home for care fees

195 replies

year12clueless · 30/08/2023 11:12

I need some quick advice- both moral and legal.

I've been largely estranged from my parents for years. Occasional visits if I'm in the area (several hundred mikes from where I live now) and phone calls at Xmas etc. They're fine with this as am I.

They have a 4 bed house somewhere nice. For the past 36 years they have had their friend "Bob" living with them. He moved in when I was a teenager as he was apparently struggling to find somewhere to live. Honestly it was a very strange set up (everyone, including my parents had their own bedroom) and Bob is a little peculiar. However the three of them have lived together happily. Bob is a big reason for the estrangement between us- we never got on, he was sometimes very unpleasant to me (verbally) and my parents never defended me. Honestly they've been happier just the 3 of them.

Mum is now in hospice care and not expected to last much longer. Dad and Bob have been visiting her daily and after a recent visit the hospice called adult protective services. They visited the house and found it in a reasonable condition (Bob was very house proud!) but identified that my Dad's care needs were such that Bob couldn't look after him alone any more. Turns out Dads dementia is bad (this was hidden from me) and Bob had a slight stroke meaning he can't lift or manage dad who is doubly incontinent etc.

I've now been told that the best solution for dad will be a care home.

The issue- apparently the house will need to be sold to fund this. However this will leave Bob homeless. He hasn't even got the full state pension as he never really found a job he liked. He's about 10 years younger than dad and apart from weakness from the stroke he's healthy.

I have seen my parents will. They left the house to me but Bob has the right to stay in it until he dies. However they didn't think about this situation. Bob has never paid any rent or anything so there's not even a rental contract.

Honestly I dislike Bob intensely. However I can't see him homeless. But I'm not sure what the legal position is. I've spoken to the council who refused to consider him in their calculations and just kept telling me the house should be sold.

-I need to not upset mum in her final weeks

  • do the best thing for dad (care home)
  • hold my nose and try to help Bob

Does anyone know what the legal situation is with regard to Bob? I can't really afford a solicitor ATM and whilst mum and dad have money I can't access it (Bob can though as he's got their bank card!)

I spoke to Age Uk and the woman said this was new to her (!) and she'd speak to someone and call me back but they haven't. All this will take time to set up and so I need to start making decisions now.

Has anyone got any information or advice?

OP posts:
OoohLaLaLa · 30/08/2023 16:55

Katmai is spot on.

Also, if Bob is attempting to keep your father from accessing the care he needs in order to protect his own situation that is financial abuse of a vulnerable adult.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 30/08/2023 17:22

You don't have to be a part of this. What would happen if they couldn't get in touch with you? Maybe actually ask that question to whichever authority has been in touch.

diddl · 30/08/2023 17:26

I don't think that there is a lot Op can do other than inform the bank that Bob has the card.

Would there be repercussions for him I wonder?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's Family law General money
flutterby1 · 30/08/2023 17:30

Bob gives me the ick

Sureaseggs44 · 30/08/2023 17:47

I think you need someone from adult social care to chat to . If you are lucky you will get someone good . If there are fees to be paid while it is sorted out the council should lend you the money but there will be interest due when it’s paid from the sale of the house . But I think you may get 12 weeks free ? But yes legal advice needed and then you can claim cost out of the estate eventually.

Sureaseggs44 · 30/08/2023 17:51

WhatAPalaverer · 30/08/2023 15:19

Is there any chance Bob is an illegitimate child of one of your parents? I’d be reporting him to SS and the bank for financially abusing your parents. Definitely go down and look for bank statements etc to see what savings there are that could be used.

I did wonder about that ? Re the bank card my aunt and uncle gave their bank card and pin to a neighbour but she literally was an Angel who helped them out so much . You never can tell .

HamBone · 30/08/2023 17:57

Sureaseggs44 · 30/08/2023 17:51

I did wonder about that ? Re the bank card my aunt and uncle gave their bank card and pin to a neighbour but she literally was an Angel who helped them out so much . You never can tell .

Show quote history

Yes, @Sureaseggs44 , some people really are a huge support to others.

Re. Bank statements, etc. As Bob’s lived in the house for decades, you can bet that he’s had a good look through their paperwork and knows exactly what’s available.

You really must let adult social care and their bank know that he’s using their card. It may all be fine or he may have committed all sorts of financial fraud. A solicitor must start handling their affairs.

rookiemere · 30/08/2023 18:05

There is no must about it @HamBone . The OP is not required to do a thing if she doesn't want to. Her DPs made their choice when they favoured a grown man over their 16 year old DD.

HamBone · 30/08/2023 18:08

rookiemere · 30/08/2023 18:05

There is no must about it @HamBone . The OP is not required to do a thing if she doesn't want to. Her DPs made their choice when they favoured a grown man over their 16 year old DD.

Well no, she doesn’t HAVE to @rookiemere . I meant that if she does decide to get involved at all, she’ll need to.

Personally, I’d ask to have a solicitor appointed to handle their affairs, tell the solicitor what I do know, and let them sort things out.

Jennalong · 30/08/2023 18:17

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but although younger , we have a family member who potentially could be in the same type of set up .
Male 40s lives with married couple in a sexual relationship with them both , although he lives with them 9 months of the year but returns home ( not UK ) for the winter months . Maybe Bob was the same of not with both then maybe 1 parent .
You need the card back , or report as lost and as the next of mins , I'm sure there is a way of arranging bills to be continued to getting paid from a/c .
Agree ss need to be made aware of situation.

MMAMPWGHAP · 30/08/2023 18:27

Go up. Ask Bob to borrow the bank card to top up the shopping. Lose it.

Bonelly · 30/08/2023 18:47

Sell it. Bob gets help from someone else

Original poster
year12clueless · 30/08/2023 20:40

flutterby1 · 30/08/2023 17:30

Bob gives me the ick

Haha!

Indeed.
Bob is grim.

There's been some natural speculation on here about the nature of the relationship. Honestly I have no idea. My house was strange.

Everyone had their own room they were responsible for keeping clean. No one seemed to go into anyone else's room. I was in my mum's occasionally looking for sanitary products etc but I genuinely wouldn't know what the inside of Dad or Bobs room looked like. DH (on one of our rare visits when we were just dating) suggested a row of gimp suits and a sex swing but I wasn't in the mood to laugh....

Mum rarely left the house. Dad and Bob share a couple of hobbies (think Real Ale/ trains/ rambling etc) so they do a lot together. Bob plays chess with mum. Mum is 5 years older than dad so 15 years older than Bob so he could conceivably be hers but it's unlikely.

Honestly it's just odd. The best analysis is from my BIL who just thinks they were 2 neurodivergent people who made a mistake having a child and then met a third person with the same niche interests and they've been locked together ever since. Honestly they were very happy and content the three of them before this. I was always the odd one out.

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 30/08/2023 20:46

I've made a decision. Thank you to all the thoughtful and insightful people on this thread who have taken the time to share resources or experiences.

I will go home next week. This weekend we have a family party for DDs birthday so I'll head up after that. This gives me time to set up all the appointments. I will visit mum probably for the last time and see Dad and Bob. I'll also set the wheels rolling for adult social services and the council to do what they need to do to manage all this.

I can't do it. I can't fight for POA and advocate for parents I feel so disconnected and angry with. I never expected to inherit anything and have planned accordingly so if the money goes or Bob takes it or it's spent on care then so be it.

It's freeing.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
HamBone · 30/08/2023 20:59

Well done, OP, you’ve made the best decision for you and your own family.💐

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 30/08/2023 21:01

I think you've made the wisest decision OP, good luck with the visit and I hope your DD has a great party.

amicissimma · 30/08/2023 21:04

IME, the local authority will be all over your dad's finances if they get called upon to fund, or possibly fund, care for him. If there are any irregularities in withdrawals from your DPs' bank account they will be found and investigated.

I think you are wise to keep your distance, but I would report to the bank and Social Services that Bob has the bank card, because questions could be asked of you if it was discovered that you knew he had it and didn't report it.

amicissimma · 30/08/2023 21:05

Best wishes, by the way. I have been involved with the Care Home/fees situation with families where everyone loves each other and wants the best for each other (mostly!) and it's still really difficult.

TammyJones · 30/08/2023 21:13

I've read all your posts OP.
and I say good on you!
Best of luck.

Sisterpita · 30/08/2023 21:35

Good luck op, you have made the right decision for you.

Hatesf1 · 30/08/2023 22:15

Wise decision OP - I hope the visit goes as well as it can

SheilaFentiman · 30/08/2023 23:24

Sounds like a good decision op.

SheilaFentiman · 30/08/2023 23:26

The Cockroach Cafe is an ongoing support thread for those with elderly parent issues - do join if you would like. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4856638-cockroach-cafe-summer-2023

Bonbon21 · 31/08/2023 08:18

Good decision.. wise, clear and mature.
Best wishes.

TheGirlWithGlassFeet · 31/08/2023 08:37

If your dad no longer has mental capacity you will need to go down the deputyship route. You have a choice whether you want to take on this role. If you don't want to do it you can contact adult services at your local authority and they will apply. They will then be responsible for evicting bob, selling the house and dealing with the finances. When both of your parents have passed away the balance of any funds are left as per their Will.

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