What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

[InOffice]

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

I would think ‘good for you’. You’re enjoying your life, fuck what anyone else thinks.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid but that is because I was also widowed and know people like you to behave in a certain way - be the right kind widow.

Everyone has an opinion. Their opinion doesn't matter!

Keep doing what you are doing. You are finding your people. Different than before. That is common.

I would be thinking well done you, and I would hope your late husband would think the same.

Those who are bitching behind your back may well be jealous as they are not getting the opportunities you are, and may well be in unhappy relationships themselves, who knows. And until they are in your position no one can say how they will behave

Just ignore and crack on as you are

I think you sound fantastic, and that you’re rebuilding your life without him, just as you should. frankly people who say snide things about ‘his’ money can just do one. It’s been 2 years. It’s not like he died last month!

My condolences on the loss of your husband.

Who the fuck are they to judge? That's awful. Good on you OP.

Sorry for your loss 💐
Your ‘friends’ sound like they are not really your friends, and are probably jealous of you enjoying your life after your sad times. Ignore them and get on with your life.

Agree with previous poster. I'd think "good for you" and wish you well. Life is too short and people who think you are doing something wrong aren't people you need in your life.

I'd think it was fabulous that you're seizing life and making the most of every day.

I’d think good on you, you’ve hopefully got a lot of life to live yet so get out there and enjoy!

Sorry to hear your 'friends' have been so crap ... that seems quite a common thing when a partner dies.

This.

Do they want you wallow in pity for the rest of your life? Good for you and F them.

I'd think it was wonderful that you were getting your life back, after such an awful time. I think early death teaches us to live for the moment, so you are absolutely doing the right thing to make the most of life while you are able. I hope you continue to enjoy your amazing life.

Who are these people bitching about you? The same people who are supportive to your face?

Some people will be jealous of your opportunities (regardless of how they came about) and some people are just unpleasant.

My old next door neighbour was in her late 70s when her husband died. She never worked. He did everything. She was proud of herself for changing the batteries in the TV remote becaie it was the first time in her life she'd ever changed the batteries in anything!

I can tell you exactly what I thought when she started going on day trips, joined U3A and made new friends. I was really proud of her and pleased for her and I'm sure her late husband would have felt the same.

Some people just like to batch about others and gossip. Those people are not your friends.

FWIW, I don't think you're disrespecting him at all!

I’d think life is short and you have been reminded of this. Good on you!!!

In the context of you being a widow, I would think:
(a) You're dealing with loss and grief in a way which works for you.
(b) Your husband probably clipped your wings a little bit and now you're doing all the things he stopped you from doing.

In a more general sense, I would think you're living an amazing life and I want to be friends with you.

Good for you. Enjoy life to its fullest extent and keep moving forwards.

Sounds like "they" should shut the fuck up and mind their own business. Its not personal OP, some people just enjoy slagging others off to make themselves feel better and feel superior. If it wasn't you they would be saying shit about someone else getting on with their life.

I had a friend who responded in exactly the same way when she was widowed young. The people who responded negatively weren't real friends.

She deserved every happiness she could find and I really admired her for rebuilding her life. Sadly, she also died very young but packed a lot in.

Do whatever you makes you happy, you deserve it

Fuck them, seriously, why do they get an opinion?

I’d take a very dim view of the people who are bitching about guy, and tell them so.

About you

The ones criticising you are not your friends, just horrible small minded bitter people. It's none of their business, if I knew who they were I would cut them out of my life.

What a great life you are living. I'm jealous!

Not uncommon at all! My DM has many friends who, once their husbands passed have started a new lifestyle. Even my grandmother, who passed at 102 a couple years ago, started travelling and having fun when my grandfather died - that was in the 70's!

I've never heard anything but 'good for her'! when someone does this. It doesn't mean you didn't have a wonderful life before, but no one of any worth expects you to sit at home looking glum.