What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

[InOffice]

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

Anyone who cares about you would be glad to see you making a life for yourself, these people clearly don't care about you so why should you care what they think? This situation comes under the old saying about 'those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind' for me, keep doing what you're doing and don't give those people a second thought OP

Too right.

Bloody hell -go for it and enjoy it! My dsis was widowed young (in similar circumstances) and she is only just starting to get her life back, but I think she should take every opportunity to enjoy her life and freedom. Have fun!

I was widowed at 37 and have experienced a lot of this kind of judgement. People seem to think that you should be worshipping at a shrine to your husband and staying home in your 'widow's weeds'

My mother did this. She was widowed at 36 and never recovered from DF's death; and it affected us DC a lot growing up.

What an uplifting read. Fantastic. Good for you

I think this sums it up perfectly!

('His' money..?!)

I would think you are doing brilliantly and admire you. And those that don't can fuck off.
I hope you are ok. Loving your own life doesn't mean you didn't love your h very much or that you don't miss him. I'm sorry for your loss. But it's not inherent on you to give up your life to grieve for him in solitude.

Meh. My grandad died when he was 93. Married to my granny 65 years. Within 24 hours of his death a carpenter had been booked to straighten the stairs my granny had wanted remodelling for decades. Why wouldn't life continue and in some cases have a few minor adjustments when you're widowed?

I would think good for you.

Some people are unbelievable with short memories. You of all people deserve happiness after what you have been through.

Life is short as you well realise and so make the most of it, which you are.

Probably a bit of jealousy from some of them.

Queen Victoria was the antithesis of how people should live after a partner's death.

I would think good on you. Anyone who says otherwise is envious and mean

A close relative of mine recently became a young widow.

We're all really happy that she is seeing people, keeping busy and finding things that being her happiness.

Your "friends" sound rubbish!

Life is too short to worry about what other people think.Go and enjoy yourself and you've got absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of.You will never forget your husband but that doesn't mean your life has to come to an end now he's no longer here with you.
Just enjoy YOUR life and take no notice of anybody else or their jealousy.
Enjoy!

You sound like a younger version of my Mum OP, down to the crap "couple friends" who will quite often pop in for a cuppa and tell her all about the amazing gardens they have just visited for the day, or the nice lunch they had with another couple, but not one invite for my Mum to join them on a day out or lunch since my Dad passed. She has done so much since she has been by herself and I'm so proud of her. Its a shame they couldn't do it together, but i actually don't think they would have.
It sounds as if they are jealous. Hold your head high and enjoy your life. It's too short as you sadly know. They aren't the kind of friends you need if they don't understand.

You are an inspiration! ⭐

The only thing I think is that the spiteful comments are coming from a place of extreme jealously and bitterness about their own dull lives. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong and are an inspiration. It was such an uplifting post to read. Hopefully you know who those people are (and hopefully it's not false finger pointing by those feeding back to you this is being said), so you can absolutely have nothing to do with them ever again, except maybe send them a postcard once in a while from the fabulous destinations you are visiting.

I’m a widow too, 45 when I lost him last year. I don’t think you can do widowhood right, I get people telling me I might meet someone new which I just don’t want. You’re going out and doing stuff and apparently that’s not right either.

We have to not care 🤷🏻‍♀️ because you can’t justify it without airing your dirty linen in public. I’ve had lies told about me (former mil stuck the knife in) and people believe them, not people who knew us both prior and during though. I can’t defend myself without sharing details they have no right to know.

It is surprising who comes through for you though.

I’d say you were a role model OP. You’re making the very best out of a sad situation. Very good luck to you.

God some people are nasty shits. Who would look at a young widow being so brave and positive and say something so vicious?
Ignore them completely OP, I can't think of a better way to honour your husband than to live as joyfully as possible.

Good for you.

You are absolutely not disrespecting your husband or his memory, and frankly I find that the people that would say that about you are severely lacking in empathy and basic humanity.
You are 50, you may yet live for another 40 years, are you to spend cloistered at home like a hermit?
You are entitled to as full and joyful life as you can make it.

I'd be really pleased that you had managed to rebuild a fulfilling life after such a big loss
Ignore ignorant people and enjoy every minute
As you know, life is too short to worry about what others think
I'm sorry for your loss

I would think 'Good on you!'

Live your life, and enjoy the time you have. It brings it home, how short life is. If you have your health, and the money, do it. You never know when that might not be the case.
Enjoy yourself, and have lots more adventures. 💞

I would say good for you and take no notice of what other people think. You know that life is short and you're doing the right thing taking all the opportunities it offers. I'm sure your beloved husband wouldn't want you to live a miserable life. Good luck to you.