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Original poster

What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

283 replies

InOffice · 29/08/2023 12:09

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

OP posts:
Candleabra · 29/08/2023 13:08

Good for you. It’s great you’ve gone out and grabbed life.
I’m a widow and have been a carer and I can tell you that people have been extremely judgemental about both those things - both to my face, and behind my back. My husband was barely cold before people started with the “didn’t take her long to get over it” because I had kept a tight control of my emotions at the funeral (for the sake of the children)
Anyway, stuff them. It’s your life, and no one else understands the aching void and simultaneous sense that you have to do everything in life to somehow make it count. Enjoy your adventures (and lose the naysayers)

user1469908434 · 29/08/2023 13:08

Those that matter wont mind, and those that mind don’t matter OP.
It’s been 2 years, not two weeks. Enjoy yourself!

ImABox · 29/08/2023 13:08

I think you sound great and lovely and ignore the gossiping Arseholes.

People after a bereavement often have to carve a completely new identity and do different hobbies, they need something with no memory of the other person/have to holiday in different places etc, so you sound completely normal and if not who cares!

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 29/08/2023 13:08

I wouldn't think anything other than being happy for you that you were living your life. Keep on doing it!

DisquietintheRanks · 29/08/2023 13:08

I'd think "good on you"

Tbh I have known friends try and "outrun" their grief by launching themselves back into life (esp if, like you, their lives were quite limited by caring responsibilities during their loved ones final days). Sooner or later their grief caught up with them and, if they'd repressed it too strongly initially, it hit hard. Not that that means you should do anything differently but do try and make time to grieve if you need to. That said there isn't one way to grieve or a right way to grieve, and your "not friends " should keep quiet.

Matildahoney · 29/08/2023 13:08

I am a young widow (30s when it happened), 6 years now.
I would say good for you, if it's taught you anything it should be that life is too short & tomorrow isn't promised.
Live your life for you, you know better than anyone else what your husband would have wanted.

I've since met someone amazing & I'm pregnant with our first child, my husband always told me I had to move on and be happy, so screw everyone else!

MendedDrum · 29/08/2023 13:09

I'd think "good on you". I have a friend who was widowed in her 40s and I remain... I'm not sure I have the right word...somewhere between pleased and impressed at how she is continuing to grab life with both hands, even though I have no doubt that she is grieving him immensely.

Thebeachut · 29/08/2023 13:09

Also my nans husband died 42 years ago
She's now almost 90 and what a 42 years she has had and enjoyed most of it .
I think good for her .

PaterPower · 29/08/2023 13:11

My Mum (70s) has travelled more since my Dad died. They did some travelling together, but he was never as keen as she was, nor as adventurous in terms of countries he’d want to visit.

I definitely don’t think less of her for taking the opportunity now and I’m glad she’s cracking on with life and doing things she’ll enjoy. I know my Dad, if he could see it, would be as happy with it.

If she dates again, I’m sure I’ll find it a bit ‘odd’ at first but I wouldn’t judge her for it!

I’m sorry that some of your ‘friends’ proved to be anything but. They don’t sound like much of a loss. You sound like you’ve got a great philosophy on life though :-)

Lemonyfuckit · 29/08/2023 13:12

OP I'm so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

I would think - that's wonderful that you are finding some pleasure and joy in things and living life to the full after going through such a difficult time and such a loss. I would also think who am I to judge someone else, who I can never know the full experience of, and also what someone puts on SM doing this or that activity never tells the full story anyway. And lastly - as I understand it, anecdotally, it's fairly common when someone has experienced a deep loss, to have a new found appreciation for the shortness and preciousness of life and want to grasp it with both hands.

Fernticket · 29/08/2023 13:12

My Mum was in a similar position to you OP. Like you she made the effort and got out and lived her life. My sister and I were all for this and so were her close friends. Good for you for not sitting around and vegetating. I know from my Mum's experience how hard it can be. Anyone bitching about you can just shut the fuck up!

coffeeisthebest · 29/08/2023 13:13

It is strange how you can care for someone you love dying and watching them suffering is one of the most painful things we can experience and yet there is still judgement on how we are able to keep living and functioning. Why are we wishing each other to fall apart? I lost my Dad earlier this year and I hadn't realised people would weigh in on whether or not I was emotional enough. I don't understand why anyone thinks they can judge anyone else on this. Were they with me at 4am whilst I woke up crying? Most certainly not. So they can just back the fuck off. Carry on with your life OP. You have been through enough.

CoreopsisEverywhere · 29/08/2023 13:13

I’d think ‘good for you’

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/08/2023 13:14

You’re doing what you want to do and shouldn’t be judged at all.

I’ve got a friend whose DH died of cancer before covid and about 6 months afterwards she met and then a year or so later married another man (same one). I know she got flak about it as she posted once about it on SM. Yes she and her new DH go on lots of holidays and day trips but what’s that got to do with anyone else? Her DC and family are happy for her and don’t judge her.

Another friend lost her DH over covid (his work). She doesn’t go out a huge amount but if she did, that’s her decision.

I wish people would butt out of others lives like this especially if they don’t know the ins and outs.

Phos · 29/08/2023 13:14

It doesn't strike me as odd. I have a friend who lost her husband to cancer in their mid forties after a 3 or 4 year battle and she's been living it up ever since to be honest and good on her.

Nazzywish · 29/08/2023 13:16

You said it yourself OP....life is too short..m so with that in mind forget all the people whispering and what not and go and enjoy it,it your life not theirs. And if they are genuinely unhappy for you then it's from some place of deep jealousy and bitterness that your out there living your best life and they're clearly not. Happy dancing!

GCSister · 29/08/2023 13:17

You sound amazing Op.

I lost my mum very suddenly in extremely traumatic circumstances and I made a pact with myself, I wasn't going to let it dictate the direction of my life. As a result I really try to live life to the full.
I've had similar comments and had 'friends' tell me that I wasn't dealing with the situation correctly and that it would all come crashing down at some point when grief hit me. Well, it's been almost 20 years and I'm still fine and still making the most of opportunities.

Ignore those that are being negative. You're doing what works for you ❤️

AbbieLexie · 29/08/2023 13:17

I admire you and hope I will follow in your footsteps. It feels very healthy if that doesn’t sound too mad. Life is for living and it goes on.

AutumnCrow · 29/08/2023 13:18

but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me

Well, you've two groups of people here who are (or could be) a problem.

The first are the people making the cutting remarks.

The second are the people telling you about them. I grew apart from a friend when I realised that he got quite a kick out of - what's that song lyric? - 'bringing all of that bad news to my door'.

OhComeOnFFS · 29/08/2023 13:18

Did you post on this before, OP? I've read this thread before today.

PansyP · 29/08/2023 13:19

Well done OP. You have done brilliantly and deserve to live your best life! It is absolutely no-one elses business and i guarantee they are bitter about their own lives

MadamWhiteleigh · 29/08/2023 13:19

Sounds like you’ve added many strings to your bow since his death.

Your next string needs to be the ‘I don’t give a fuck what you think’ one.

sheeplikessleep · 29/08/2023 13:19

I’d think you’re amazing and strong for being able to experience such loss and still look forward and grab life with both hands.
Good for you and your husband wouldn’t have wanted your life to stop.

If you were my friend, I’d be pleased that you were moving forward and be immensely proud.

knobkopf · 29/08/2023 13:19

but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true

Who has been saying this? And how did you get to hear about it? ie. who is the person telling you this?
I'm very skeptical of "friends" or relatives saying things that "other" people are allegedly saying behind your back.... because often it turns out to be the person themselves who wants to say those things but doesn't dare, so dresses it up as "random other people".
My ex did this and it completely ruined my self-esteem and made me suspicious of everyone because he never managed to actually name the people who were saying the bad stuff. Later turned out to be all bullshit - he was the one who thought those bad things about me and wanted to tell me.

So, frankly, I would ignore it completely and be wary of the messengers telling you this. They can't be trusted. A true friend would not tell you stuff that would hurt you like that.

Get on with it OP - you only have one life - and as you've tragically seen with your DH, it can be much shorter than you think.
Oh and it's not "his" money you're spending, it's family money which you contributed to as well.

All the best!

WandaWonder · 29/08/2023 13:19

You are doing whatever you are doing it is not 'behaving' in anyway, the fact you are questioning it is weirder than just doing it

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