What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

[InOffice]

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

You are still alive and still young. Good on you.

It's time the tittle tattlers got their own lives and butted out of yours.

"...quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things."

This is profoundly true.

I am surprised you're getting flack for the activities you describe and I am wondering if whoever has indicated that behind your back 'people' are talking is actually trying to convey what THEY think really, using 'them' as a cover in some way. (Hope that makes sense.) You've got to blow it off.

I have sometimes wondered about widows/widowers who married very soon after they've lost their partner and admit that on occasion I've asked myself if something was going on beforehand. However, my perspective at the time was probably more as someone viewing the situation from a 'child' role - how I would feel if one my parents passed away and the survivor did that. Now that I am well into middle age, I'd look at things differently more likely, in particular that, as you say life, is short and precious and companionship is sooo vital to our wellbeing.

Good for you. I think some people say these things when they are jealous and secretly wish they could do the same things.

I would think good for you, I'd be delighted if my mum did the same.

The living it up on his money thing is really annoying - even if you had never earned a penny yourself, you were married, and so it's now your money. Really bizarre attitude.

My DM died at 52 would they really have expected my DDad to stay in mourning for over quarter of a century? Thankfully he didn’t and was off trekking in the Himalayas a few years later. As a young adult it was a relief to see him getting on with life because 1) it was a good model to us that life does go on; 2) my DM wouldn’t have wanted a shrine and ongoing grief; and 3) I could get on with my life without feeling like I have to rescue him.

I'd think "Good for her". I have a family member in a similar situation and that's what I think about him. To be honest, I'm just glad that he's coping.

AH you are the Merry Widow - Good for you!

Whoever these people are making these kind of comments or reporting the comments back to you don’t deserve to be in your life. In my experience, when someone tells you, “people are saying…” they usually just mean that it’s their own opinion but aren’t brave enough to say that.

I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle

They sound like arseholes. Even if it was all "his" money, who cares. Should it be left untouched in a bank account? For what reason?

Obviously what you're doing is fine and healthy and I'm sure your DH would be proud.

If it was me I would consider who had told me this information that "people" were saying behind your back. Were they specific about who has been saying it, and in what context? Otherwise I might think they were projecting.

You’re making new friends as your previous friends weren’t real friends. Ignore the haters. Keep moving forward finding enjoyment in life and discovering. You are doing well.

Speaking as someone in a similar position, I would say that you are a widow, not dead. Throwing yourself on the funeral pyre has never been a great idea.

The only thing I would do differently is that I'd be very tempte to post some cutting sarcasm on my social media alongside the photo's of me having a bloody fantastic time. Just in case they thought I didn't know that there are some nasty comments circulating.

You sound inspirational and amazing. Ignore bitchy jealous people. The only thing I'd suggest is writing a novel about it all at some point xx

This and remember it’s not ‘his’ money but ‘yours’ you were part of a couple and it’s now you.

My SIL was widowed 5 years ago and she has always got on with life while working through grief. She’s 70 and has stated that she’s not looking for another partner but she has many friends and has been out going and traveling.

I was widowed in my mid fifties. No doubt there are people thinking that I did widowing wrong but it doesn't come with a manual and like marriages and children, every single instance is different. The one thing you do learn from an early bereavement is that you don't know what the future holds for you. Enjoy each and every day to the full because who knows about tomorrow?

The people I'd be giving the side eye to are the ones bringing you the news that "people say that....". I think you've had enough upset without people trying to introduce more to your life.

It's your life for you to live how you please.

Sorry for your loss.

I'd think good on you, absolutely! Someone in my family is in 60s but similar and I don't think anyone has been negative about her (I bloody hope not).

Sorry for your loss
I would think good for you op
I haven't lost a spouse but I did lose.my.dad last year and am just carrying on and doing fun things . He would be saying " good for you girl " to me.
My mum lost her spouse in her 50s last year like you and I think it's hit her just how short life is
Take care :)

Your life, your choices are what I want for DH when I’m gone.

We have a son, so obviously I’d want him to be sensitive to DS’s feelings and pace of grieving.

But I want them both live happy, full lives when I’m no longer around. And I’ll do my best to defy reality and come back to haunt any bugger giving them a hard time about it.

A lady I work with recently lost her husband in her 50s to and she says " I'll never forget my husband but I'm still here and have a life to live and enjoy" ❤️ and this is true for you to

Good for you. Great that you are out and about, enjoying life. Who cares what these people think?

I think you are very emotionally intelligent recognising the difference and the value in the you when you were an us and the you now you are a me.

Life is very short.

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief never shrinks, we simply grow around it. You are growing now and good on you.

Oh some people can be really weird about Widows having an actual life widowers are allowed to "get back out there" not women though ! I'm assuming these gossips are former friends. Their opinions don't matter. Live your life see other men and have fun. You will always miss your husband but you don't have to sit home being sombre And "grieving"

Me too @MintyCedric and I discovered that the old cliche that you find out who your friends are is absolutely true. My best friend who also knew my DF, was well aware my father was dying and knew when he had died and cut me off during that period and didn’t even send a text to acknowledge it, that was in March 2021, she’s still never said a word on the odd occasion I’ve seen her. It was incredibly hurtful. People are very strange.

The fact that your friends didn’t bother during the most challenging times @InOffice is telling enough. Assuming these are the ones now disapproving of you pressing on with your life shows them in a very poor light. I think it’s very common for couples to distance themselves. My mum had lots of promises from couples she and my dad had known for many years; she’s not clapped eyes on any of them but has made some lovely friends who are widowed themselves and all report the same thing. A friend of mine who was widowed four years ago at the age of 48 said to me that it feels like people want her frozen in time, living just as she was, not making changes that move her further away from what they recognise, that it’s all about them and preserving their nostalgia.

You are doing the right thing and I also think good for you. I also agree that there is an element of envy from couples who see your edited highlights and compare to their lives, but they forget what you have been through and still live with and that you have no choice but to forge your own future. They’re shortsighted.

My DM became a widow after 40+ years and was devastated. Her ‘couple friends’ were useless.

She used to get upset about how some of her friends have reacted. I tell her that one day they’ll be in the same position as her now and then they’ll know. I think death and loss is something that only people who have been through it really understand.

For a long time she was very needy with me and my siblings and it was very hard on us because we had so many other things to juggle (work, childcare, homes, partners) while supporting her and we were grieving too.

This week she’s on a cruise and I’m really happy for her. We have a very strained relationship (that’s another story!) but I want her to travel, socialise, play with the grandkids and have as much fun as she can. It’s what my dad would have wanted.

After my dad died my granny thought my mother should live her life as a grieving widow. Fortunately this is no longer the case.