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Original poster

What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

283 replies

InOffice · 29/08/2023 12:09

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 29/08/2023 12:20

I am late forties and have been through acting for a loved one during the pandemic, in my case my dad.

It was unimaginably awful and I suspect those who are criticising have no real concept whatsoever of what you’ve been through.

Fuck ‘em, quite frankly. You deserve good things in life and to make the most of your opportunities…it reflects on your love and respect for your late husband not one iota.

MintyCedric · 29/08/2023 12:21

caring for a loved one

Packedlunchoftinkywinky · 29/08/2023 12:21

I would be in admiration that you were embracing being you and living your life. ♥️

BillaBongGirl · 29/08/2023 12:22

I always thought most widows were and are supposed to be merry? Not because they’re happy their husband is dead, but because they know their husband would want them to be happy and not waste the rest of a short life in tears and misery,

The grieve and wear black plus a momento mori of a lock of hair or summat for the rest of your life type of widow was a Gothic thing started by Queen Victoria and is only recently starting to unwind as it has finally fallen out of living memory.

FernStoneRain · 29/08/2023 12:23

I was widowed at 37 and have experienced a lot of this kind of judgement. People seem to think that you should be worshipping at a shrine to your husband and staying home in your 'widow's weeds'. Fuck that. The learning is that life is short and we have to grab all the joy and opportunity we can, even while sometimes also holding our sadness. It doesn't mean you don't miss him or aren't grieving. I know my husband would have wanted me and our children to enjoy our lives, and I want that for us too.

VeridicalVagabond · 29/08/2023 12:24

I'm sorry for your loss.

But very good for you OP. I'm sure your husband wouldn't have wanted you to wither away in your widows weeds forever. Anyone judging you can jog on, you're embracing life and all its glory, what better way to recover from a loss than that?

LiveLoveFuckEmAll · 29/08/2023 12:25

So what's he going to do with all this money, with all due respect he's gone, and you are not.

Would they have you sit at home and mope about all day, crying into your hanky, until its your turn.

Fuck that, you are mid 50s bloody live, love and Fuck Em All

I want to be your friend

Mariposista · 29/08/2023 12:25

You sound brilliant OP
so sorry for your loss.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 29/08/2023 12:26

I would be delighted that the widow was finally getting to have a life.

stealthninjamum · 29/08/2023 12:27

Op you sound amazing. Some people will be judgemental, they’re not real friends.

twilightcafe · 29/08/2023 12:27

Jesus - what kind of 'friends' are these?
You are living a (well-deserved) happy life on your terms.
Screw them. Perhaps they're jealous.

pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2023 12:28

Keep doing what you are doing! It is your precious life!

jay55 · 29/08/2023 12:29

Life is for the living. Well done for getting out and enjoying it.

And so what if being overly social is a coping mechanism, end of life care is traumatic as is losing your life partner young, coping through going out into the world is a whole lot healthier than other crutches.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/08/2023 12:29

I would think ‘good for you’. You’re enjoying your life, fuck what anyone else thinks.

This!

Andywarholswig · 29/08/2023 12:30

I think good for you! My mum had so called friends acting like this when my dad died. I said to her it’s all very well for those who still have their relationships to think you should be sitting in every night, but you need to go out and live your life, as it is your time now. And fair play to her she has! So go for it OP, do all the things and take all the opportunities

Floofydawg · 29/08/2023 12:32

Completely echo what everyone else has already said - good for you and I'm glad you're living life to the full. I wish my mum had done the same after my dad passed away.

Cherrycola29k · 29/08/2023 12:33

In answer to your title, I’d feel very happy for you OP. Everyone’s journey and processing of grief is their own and unique. It seems you’ve been able to continue life with a new perspective and outlook and are making the most of the time you have left on this earth.

I say good for you! None of it takes away from your feelings for your deceased DH, I’m sure he’d be at peace knowing you were able to move forward with your own life, yours didn’t end when his did.

As for the gossipers, pay them no mind. It’s easy to judge, not so easy to live through and navigate a difficult experience.

DrCoconut · 29/08/2023 12:33

My grandma hadn't driven for years as my grandad always did it. After he passed away she dusted off her licence and started again. She was well into her 70s and they'd been together since their teens but she was determined to have a life still. She had some old fashioned ideas and wore dark colours for a year but she did it while strolling down the prom with an ice cream! Go for it.

Fruitynutcase · 29/08/2023 12:33

Your husband passed away more then two years ago . What did these people expect you to do - mope for the rest of your life ? He's gone and sadly won't be coming back . Good for you for embracing life and living it . They are jealous.

LakeTiticaca · 29/08/2023 12:33

They should mind their own business. Good for you for embracing life. My Dad died when my mum was 60 and she didn't waste away quietly, she planned holidays with my aunt, joined a rambling club, went out walking regularly, she became a more active member of her church.
As far as I am aware nobody criticised her for getting out and enjoying life to the full

MrsMarzetti · 29/08/2023 12:34

Fantastic, glad you are having a ball and so annoyed for you that your friends have turned out to be so shallow, happens a lot when couples divorce too. Stuff them, don't even waste a second thinking about them. Live your life for you, nobody else. Flowers

Thatwouldbeme · 29/08/2023 12:34

I'd say they are not good friends and if you were my friend I'd be very proud that you are putting your life back after going through something so traumatic. Don't let them stop you doing anything that brings you joy.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/08/2023 12:34

but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle

I'd think there are some people in your life you could very well do without.

MissBiljanaElectronika · 29/08/2023 12:35

I would in all honesty think:

You've earned it. You deserve it. Please have as much fun as you can.

At our age, we can safely assume the motto:
"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"

Bassetlover · 29/08/2023 12:35

My brother died 5 years ago this November and his widow, my SIL is the same as you, she's always doing something and travels loads, we've been on a few holidays together. I admire her for going for it and living life to the full and I'm sure my brother would have wanted her to do the same.

Don't listen to the narrow minded naysayers. You know more than most that life is short and you should absolutely make the most of it.

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