What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

[InOffice]

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

Several things here.
First off. Yes you will probably get hit by his death multiple times when certain event come around, but that would happen regardless. Not doing thigs will not avoid this.
People gossiping negatively about you behind your back are not friends they may have appeared so in the past but they are simply revelling themselves.
Unless you are spending terribly and putting yourself (or children) at a disadvantage in the future compared with what you planned for, then it is no concern of anyone.
Finally, if you had died and he survived you would you have resented him trying to form a new life given the position he was put in by external forces?

In short you are doing nothing wrong. Though some of what you are hearing may be over estimate the number of certain negative people.

You’re doing exactly what anyone who cares about you would want for you at this stage. Anyone talking badly is an arse.

I hope I do the same!

I hope this thread gives you some comfort OP that your ‘friends’ are narrow minded and don’t have your best interests at heart. Cut them loose and find your people who want the best for you.

Good for you! It is no one else’s business. As you are obviously aware life can be short so important to live it. By the way I too was widowed in my 50’s a few years ago. And I too am trying to build a life for me. Friends I had before are rubbish. This seems common. Anyway don’t be judged - live your life - good on you xx

You sound amazing, just the sort of friend I’d like! Those horrible people are obviously just jealous that your life is full and fun. I’d bet my bottom dollar your dh would be happy for you and delighted your life is going so well.

I'd put money on if it was you were a man behaving like this after the death of his wife your friends would be "oh poor x he deserves to be happy,I'm glad he's having fun".

You've obviously not fulfilled societies expectations of finding yourself another husband to quietly settle down with and being monogamous with;I mean how dare you have lots of male company right?

Life is for living;carry on having fun;I think your fabulous.

Quite honestly I'm a bit envious. You sound brave, resourceful, great company and are doing some really amazing things. Long may it continue.

Sorry for your loss and congratulations on finding a new life.
Not RTFT.

If you become, or are, a single woman, you often get dropped by coupled up friends. A single friend and I were discussing this a few weeks ago (well her mainly as she talks a lot and is quite opinionated), but a single woman is often see as "A Threat", like we are about to pounce on any available male.

If you are doing it on your own dime - then go for it. If you are using other men to pay for vacations and various activities for you - then not good.

But on your own dime, do as you wish! You only get one life to live so live it.

Good for you, OP. the people who are criticising you have no idea of the courage and mental strength it takes to pick yourself up and put yourself out there after a devastating loss, and when you have spent so many years being part of a couple. I have so much admiration for you. Please keep living and making the most of your life! Your husband clearly loved you, and would have wanted the best for you - which isn't being stuck at home, sad and lonely. Also, it's not "his" money. It was both of your money when you were married, and now it's yours. In addition to the other money that you make on your own. People will always find something to whine about. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Keep living your life. Being happy now doesn't mean you didn't love him then, and the people that matter know that. Wishing you health, happiness, and adventures.

I'm recently widowed and have had people talking about me and criticising me for various things, none of which have actually been "wrong" things.

It has been the most hurtful thing, and I don't think I will ever trust a lot of people again.

I can't belive that at the worst time of my/your life people can be so unfeeling and downright bitchy.

They can though.

You are awesome OP. Making a new life after such a tragedy. Take no notice of the naysayers and party on.

Good for you and fuck the haterzzzzz. You only get one life and you are living yours.

If you were my friend, I’d be thrilled for you. It sounds like you’re having a lovely time. When my mil was widowed at 57, she did similar to you. She’s travelled all over the world, broadened her friendship groups and hobbies and has a rare old time!

Ignore any nasty comments. Those are not the sort of people whose opinions matter.

I always wonder about the people who report things like “others being quite cutting” etc. presumably they have been part of the conversation to know it and what is their agenda in sharing this with you? I wish I could remember the eloquent way this was described by another mumsnetter on another thread. Their motives are questionable.

Your marriage vows were until death, not beyond death. I am pleased you are managing your grief and doing things which you could not do while you were caring for your husband.

I am sorry for your loss and sincerely hope you keep on making the most of life, I'm quite sure you understand how precious it is.

I'd think you were an inspiration.

I think good for you and fuck them!
Unfortunately, some people will always begrudge and be bitter towards others and you have no control over that, so crack on and give them no more thought!

Just don't use anyone for sex or money and you are good to enjoy life to the fullest.

Sex and then dipping or expecting someone else to pay for things for you are the general sins that are unforgiveable for single men / women out living life.

I’d think how strong and wonderful you are and tuck you away as a role model.

Do they want you to sit around in a black shawl?
This is your second life - looks like you're making the most
of it, so - well done you!

Honestly, I hope for your strength and courage when my time comes and I, too, am a widow.

I’m just impressed with you!

I'm sorry for your loss.

You're living your life while you have it. Never mind other people being idiots.

Good for you! Don't worry about what others think x

I say fuck em! Enjoy life! As the saying goes we are here for a good time not a long time (or something like that)