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Original poster

What would you think of a widow who behaved like this?

283 replies

InOffice · 29/08/2023 12:09

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

OP posts:
Catlord · 29/08/2023 15:53

I would be glad to see you making the most of life and doing the things you enjoy.

Only thing might be if the 'bah, spending his money' came from worries that your newer friends were taking advantage but that is something to express to your face as a concern, not snipe about.

Carry on as you are xx

babyproblems · 29/08/2023 15:54

Good for you OP. So sorry for your loss. You have nothing to justify to anyone!!!! Xxx

Cherryflavouranything · 29/08/2023 15:54

Since my friend’s husband died a few years ago she has travelled all over the world. Every time I hear about one of her upcoming trips I feel (selfishly, I think) some relief, as I see it as her taking care of herself and having experiences I couldn’t give her / do with her. I also feel excited for her. And then jealous of her holiday snaps 🙂

Never, ever, once have I thought she’s wasting her money. I think instead she’s probably seen how short life is and wants to do something memorable with hers. I have nothing but respect for her.

The people saying that kind of stuff about you sound like total shitheads, and you really mustn’t give them any other thought. It’s not your fault they’re miserable.

YellowReadingLamp · 29/08/2023 15:55

This quote springs to mind: “The people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind.”
― -Dr. Seuss

I mean really - what do people expect? Should you lock yourself away indoors wearing black every day and become a complete recluse like some sort of modern day Miss Havisham? Stuff the lot of them.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 29/08/2023 15:58

You are not disrespecting your late DH’s memory far from it, you are fulfilling what a loving husband would surely have wanted for you.
Don’t let the jealousy and small mindedness of others throw you off course. At least you know who your friends are now. X

JenniferBooth · 29/08/2023 15:59

I remember my godmother wearing black for a year after her elderly dad died. I couldnt work out whether it was a Catholic thing or an Italian culture thing

fatherfurlong · 29/08/2023 16:01

Crikey! I’d love to hang out with you.
Absolutely fantastic attitude, you cared for your husband and had a good marriage & that is something to be thankful and proud of but my goodness life is for the living.
Ignore your detractors, have fun and don’t worry about the opinions of those small minded so called friends. You have a new circle now and invest your energies with them.

AInightingale · 29/08/2023 16:15

I think that a lot of people are snarky about others who find a new lease of life after being widowed, men and women. But I'm sure your late husband would have wanted you to be happy above all else. Would he have wanted you to sit in front of daytime telly staring out of the window all day? And as for his money - what do they expect you to do with it, save it for nursing home fees? You have the right attitude.

1983Louise · 29/08/2023 16:26

I learned quite late in life that it's none of your business what people think of you . It's very freeing as you can just be yourself and let them get on with their nasty thoughts. You sound like a wonderful person who's enjoying life knowing how quickly things can change. If anyone says different, they're jealous of you, I wish you well 😊

Writingonthewalls · 29/08/2023 16:35

Well done you!! I’m sure your husband would be delighted you’re happy and living your life to the full. Your ‘friends’ are anything but. I’m glad you’ve found new people to support you. Don’t listen to anyone who is judging. It says more about them than you.

paradoxicalfrog · 29/08/2023 16:37

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 29/08/2023 12:11

I would think ‘good for you’. You’re enjoying your life, fuck what anyone else thinks.

100%.

Jeelypieces20storeys · 29/08/2023 16:40

I would be in awe of you and the strength you are showing in rebuilding your life and making the most of it!
And I bet your husband would be too.

BCBird · 29/08/2023 16:42

I am.sorry for your loss.There is no set way to behave when grieving. I am grieving and sm doing the very opposite of u. This is right for me and what you are doing is right gor you. As for so called friends being useless- leave em to it. It is insulting when people make comments re doending someone else's money. It none of their business unless its their's. Do as u please. Good on u. Might see if I can adopt a more positive approach.

Zebedee55 · 29/08/2023 17:05

InOffice · 29/08/2023 12:09

I'm mid 50s, Dh died more than 2 years ago after a long and traumatic illness. Some of it was spent in hospital when we couldn't see him because of Covid then he came home, bedbound and was cared for by me for several months until he died.

It was a horrible horrible time. I loved him very much and I think I was a good wife to him, but he's gone and I'm trying to look forward not back.

He wasn't very sociable or active, we lived a quiet life, which I was happy with, but quiet as part of a happy couple and quiet at home on your own are two very different things.

I didn't realise how much we were "us", I never felt trapped by it, but am definitely enjoying my freedom now, making the most of opportunities that come my way and also with a very clear understanding that life is short.

The couples who were "our" friends have been useless since he died. They were barely around during his illness, went on holiday together just before his funeral and don't include me in anything since.

I have however, formed a couple of friendship groups with people who were more acquaintances before and who have been wonderful to me. Several of these are men, although no one special. I decided about a year ago to have a policy of never saying no to an invitation, it has served me well, I'd recommend it. I've also discovered a real joy in just setting off and doing things by myself.

As a result, over the last year, I've been abroad 4 times and had 3 UK breaks, been to a music festival, done 2 week long physical challenges, seen numerous plays and shows, danced all night to local live bands, been all over the country following sport, reconnected with some very old friends, made new ones, had some fun times with strangers. I don't post much on SM, but have been tagged in a lot of other people's posts, so people do know what I'm up to!

If people say anything to me, it's usually you're amazing etc, but I've heard that behind my back people are being quite cutting about me living it up and spending "his" money etc, which isn't actually true anyway, I earn well enough to support my lifestyle. Also that I'm using all this as a coping mechanism and it will all go wrong for me, when it hits me, which could be true.

Mostly I don't care, I've learned to do what's right for me, but I'd hate to think I was disrespecting his memory.

I would ignore them. Spousal/partner bereavement is a pain like no other. Do whatever makes you happy.💐

unsync · 29/08/2023 17:17

It's your life, live it how you choose. Be happy.

True friends cheer you on and are supportive. The naysayers are probably jealous. Don't let them suck your joy, pay them no heed. Go you, you sound fabulous.

ChipshopPickledEgg · 29/08/2023 17:31

Surely you should be wearing black and a veil permanently? How dare you still think you have a life to live and that your husband would want you to be happy. Ok I just.

Really though I would think good for you, you should be happy and i am sorry people are bringing you down

Thistooshallpass. · 29/08/2023 17:35

I would think well done to you for taking such a positive approach to life and enjoying yourself ! Life goes on and you have to make the most of it .

enchantedsquirrelwood · 29/08/2023 17:36

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 29/08/2023 12:11

I would think ‘good for you’. You’re enjoying your life, fuck what anyone else thinks.

I think exactly the same. You don't need to stop living your life.

Balloonhearts · 29/08/2023 17:42

I'd ask them straight out if they think your husband would have wanted you to sit at home alone and cry for 2 years.

LindyLou2020 · 29/08/2023 17:45

@InOffice ........I've only read the first few pages earlier today, and the last few.
So, apologies if anyone has already made this point.......
Some years ago, I had 2 aquaintances, (not connected to each other), who were widowed at an age similar to you.
You say that the couples that had been friends with you and your late husband more or less cut you off basically, both when he was ill, and after he died.
This happened to both of my widowed friends, and both had the feeling that this lack of support, compassion, etc, was driven by the female halves of the couples.
And in fact, one of the husbands had a private word with one of my aquaintances to apologise, and said his wife had banned him from having any more contact with her in case "anything happened" between them!
So, basically, the wife was jealous, and fearful that her newly widowed friend might run off with her husband!
I've heard of a few instances like this.......could this also be a possibility in your case?
Whatever the reason, you are well rid of these so-called friends!

TenderDandelions · 29/08/2023 17:47

You can bet if you'd just turned in to Queen Victoria and remained in black mourning clothes for 2 years, staring at the same four walls with a shrine to your DH in the corner, the same people would be saying "for goodness sake, she really needs to start moving on with her life".

Those that are being negative are just miserable sods who are either never satisfied in life unless they're picking at other people, or they're jealous.

This is just the next chapter of your life, where you can explore the world as it is now, and it sounds like you're having a ball.

Does it mean you miss your DH any less? Of course not.

Would he have wanted you to stay a hermit, mourning at your loss every day forever? Of course not (I imagine!)

Your true friends always show themselves during a time of crisis. Make note of those that stood by you, and demote the others to a Christmas card only list (and PLEASE add in a round robin letter telling them all of your wonderful adventures, to really wind them up!).

LindyLou2020 · 29/08/2023 17:48

JenniferBooth · 29/08/2023 15:59

I remember my godmother wearing black for a year after her elderly dad died. I couldnt work out whether it was a Catholic thing or an Italian culture thing

@JenniferBooth
It would most likely be both........(from a half-Italian very lapsed Catholic!).

PinkArt · 29/08/2023 18:46

I'd be pleased for you that you were able to find as bright a future as possible. My dad's approach to life, after we lost my mum, was very similar to yours. Of course he was completely heartbroken but he was in his 60s with hopefully a good 20 years ahead. He could spend them feeling the sadness or he could spend them finding happiness in different ways. You, and he, didn't have a choice about losing the person you love but you do have a choice about how you approach this new life you weren't expecting.
The only time I might not be so pleased for you is if I worried you were trying to distract yourself too much from grief and weren't processing everything healthily. That doesn't sound like you are though - you sound intelligent and aware enough that you'd have an idea of that was the case.
I'm so sorry for your loss but so thrilled for you that you're finding a positive new route through life.

Duckingella · 29/08/2023 19:20

InOffice · 29/08/2023 14:47

I'm seriously considering buying a little sports car. They'll love that Grin

Do it!;make sure it's a soft top for good measure too.

Hamstermayhem · 30/08/2023 00:08

I think you sound wonderful. I am quite envious and hope to be able to do find the courage and sociability to do the same one day. Embrace life and keep going-I hope your husband would be proud of you!