Help! Can I really manage full time work and a happy family life with older kids?

[Labbingtons]

Circumstances have necessitated a return to full time work (term time only) for me. Kids will both be at secondary from September and there’s a chance to take on a project I don’t want to miss. I’m self employed, but the project is a risk so will take it on alongside my 3 day a week consultancy role. I’ll do client visits 3 mornings a week and will work at home or in my (nearby) office the rest of the time.

I’ve always worked but never full time since having children. They will both get to school independently on buses (home at 4.45.) DH has also recently taken on a big promotion and is super busy but very involved, great with helping with homework etc. DS has additional needs and will need lots of support with homework/ organisation. DD is pretty independent but loves a chat at the end of the day. Both have weekend and after school activities (Scouts etc.) to be taken to.

Please help with any tips and thoughts about keeping a happy family life with two full time working parents. And how to avoid feeling run into the ground with commitments. If you work full time, how do you find time for your own interests, your relationships and social life?

The new role means we at least have money to throw at the problem and I’ve already asked our cleaner to do an extra day a week to accommodate laundry, found a gardener/odd job person and arranged a 3-day a week dogwalker. Anything else to make life easier?

Delete more tasks to your children. Tidy rooms, walk the dog after work, expect them to complete some homework tasks, get them to make a simple tea so that it doesn’t always fall to you. Obviously they prep for their activities - scout uniform ironed by them etc. Teamwork.

I think you’re sensible to think carefully about it, especially given the trauma of your mum’s experience. I too am considering going full time once mine are all at secondary but worry if I will cope, with my own experiences of depression and burnout, and like you I have one with additional needs.

I have a 2.5 year old, work full time and do not have a flipping cleaner, dog walker or gardener. I think you’ll be ok 🙄

It sounds as the difference between you and your mum is that your mum HAD to return ft (I assume for financial reasons?), while you seem to be tempted by an exciting opportunity. I guess that your mum broke down because her job didn't energize her. If you enjoy your project (at least most of the time), and are able to set boundaries and stick to them (e.g limit working hours, stop thinking about work in the evenings / weekends) you will be fine and potentially even happier than now. Your dcs might also thrive once more independence is required, even with SEN (my dd (11) has ASD, 2 years ago wouldn't be able to go into a supermarket with me without meltdown, now independently walks across town to Tesco, does the shopping and cooks dinner).

Two full time working parents since DC was 6 months old. No outside help. Your own time is the casualty, it helps to be realistic.

Take at least one day a week off from work and family chores and just plain have fun.

But maybe add an upstairs cleaner, downstairs cleaner, shoe cleaner, butler perhaps?

For all the people taking the piss, I get your worries completely. You get used to what you are used to. I was a stay at home mum for 9 years. Now I work 3 days a week and I am still struggling to adjust in many ways.
id youve worked full time since the children were young then you are used to how you live. Everyone has their own ‘normal’ and finds it hard when that changes.
give the woman a break!!

and the people who
dont have cleaners and gardeners (I don’t either) don’t get any more medals in life than those who do so stop slating her for having them.

Ah, I think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP. Your posts come across about being worried about change, and the impact on your family, and that you get that you're in a fortunate position.

I've recently gone full-time, after years of part time, with a massive step up in responsibilities and work stress. We're also fortunate enough to be able to take on a cleaner.

We try and eat together to make sure we've all got a chance to catch up on our days, have a shared family calendar so that everyone knows who's doing what, try to arrange a bit of family time each week - be it board games, going for a walk, watching a movie together. Get the teens to help when you're doing chores, not just because they should, but because it's amazing what they might talk about, open up about, when doing the mundane stuff. Sharing the mental load with your DH will help. DH and I make the most of not needing to be around for teens so much, so it's easier to find time for exercise, social life etc.

It'll be fine!

Probably not 😆 worked FT since going back after maternity when DD was 11 months. 5 bed house, 4 bathrooms, no cleaner, dog walker or gardener (though my DF is a self employed gardener!)

Genuine answer - an after school nanny to manage kids meals, homework, transportation to activities etc.

I went back to work full time when my baby was 6 months old as I couldnt afford time off i think you will do absolutely fine, I also am a single parent and no help from anywhere except paid nurseries

Wtf?! Is this actually a real question? Yes OP, yes you totally can.

A toilet wiper?

OP it sounds like you are putting quite a lot of pressure on yourself to get everything just right: you don't want to burden your husband and you don't want your kids to feel a drop in the amount of support they get.

It's going to be hard work if you try and do it all. I understand your DS needs help with school, but maybe your DD won't need loads: I don't really remember asking my parents to help with my homework back in the day. Your husband also will just have to do a little more, I think.

My husband and I have a younger daughter, and both work full time plus sometimes have to work evenings or weekends. Boring though it sounds, we find that a writing out a meal plan for the week really helps, as it takes away decision-making and mental load - plus you can make sure you get everything in on your weekly shop so no dashes into the supermarket on the way home. Maybe your DD could cook one evening a week (taco Tuesday or something fun like that) if she's old enough... and clear up after.

You could also have a Friday night takeaway tradition: your kids might be pleased about that... If there are a few perks I'm sure they'll get used to the new regime!

I agree, OP might need to adjust her expectations about time for her own interests unfortunately. E.g. in my case exercise seems to have gone out of the window...

On the other hand, working itself can be quite fulfilling and makes a nice change from having to look after family all day, so I think that kind of helps