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Original poster

Help! Can I really manage full time work and a happy family life with older kids?

191 replies

Labbingtons · 23/08/2023 08:23

Circumstances have necessitated a return to full time work (term time only) for me. Kids will both be at secondary from September and there’s a chance to take on a project I don’t want to miss. I’m self employed, but the project is a risk so will take it on alongside my 3 day a week consultancy role. I’ll do client visits 3 mornings a week and will work at home or in my (nearby) office the rest of the time.

I’ve always worked but never full time since having children. They will both get to school independently on buses (home at 4.45.) DH has also recently taken on a big promotion and is super busy but very involved, great with helping with homework etc. DS has additional needs and will need lots of support with homework/ organisation. DD is pretty independent but loves a chat at the end of the day. Both have weekend and after school activities (Scouts etc.) to be taken to.

Please help with any tips and thoughts about keeping a happy family life with two full time working parents. And how to avoid feeling run into the ground with commitments. If you work full time, how do you find time for your own interests, your relationships and social life?

The new role means we at least have money to throw at the problem and I’ve already asked our cleaner to do an extra day a week to accommodate laundry, found a gardener/odd job person and arranged a 3-day a week dogwalker. Anything else to make life easier?

OP posts:
Hercisback · 23/08/2023 09:03

Most families have both parents working FT from much younger ages, and without all the help you have. You will be fine!

How do you think the rest of the world copes without your privelidges?

TheMoth · 23/08/2023 09:03

Full time since after mat leave for both kids. No cleaner etc. Monday to Friday are pretty full on. Weekends are catch up round the house and endless DIY.

If kids are both in high school, they can do stuff to help too.

Coral569 · 23/08/2023 09:04

It sounds like you've had it very easy compared to most people. Of course you'd manage.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
User63847439572 · 23/08/2023 09:07

Agree I think you’re overthinking it, making too much of it when many of us do this, in my case with a third child still at primary, and as a single parent, and no money for extra help.
Having a smaller house and garden does help though! And I’ve simplified my own life in terms of my own hobbies and regular commitments, just accepted it’s not a season for that (but probably different for you as yours can all be left at home alone presumably).

we do all have different thresholds so you can only try it and see but it might help not to think of it as a massive deal and quite normal really.

Heatherbell1978 · 23/08/2023 09:09

I've worked full time since kids were in nursery in a very demanding role so I'll be honest this doesn't feel like a huge problem particularly if you can throw money at it. Due to the ages of mine, we still have to factor in wrap around care and I'm looking forward to life being a bit easier when they're in secondary and can make their own way to and from school. Bit unsure what it is that you think will make your life hard with kids that age (aside from usual teenage angst which would be a challenge regardless of whether you work or not)

distinctpossibility · 23/08/2023 09:11

I get it OP. I'm considering upping my hours to c. 30 hours a week now DS is starting school. DH and I are trying to reflect on all the mental load stuff I do (all of which needs doing, and is already partially shared) and how it'll fit in... if it is a big change it is bound to be scary but nothing is irreversible and - if cash isn't too tight, which it isn't for us or you - you can throw money at things. Whether you opt for two takeaways a week, supermarket deliveries or upping the cleaners' hours, it sounds like you've been offered a good opportunity, so do take it wholeheartedly. Well done!

Countrymiles · 23/08/2023 09:12

You’ll be fine. OP I know this is not a race to the bottom, but lots of us have worked full time from when our children are young , in often demanding jobs/shift working/night work, without money to throw at problems. I have 3 children, one who is disabled, and even working full time there were months when I literally wasn’t sure how we were going to pay the mortgage. When we got more money coming in we then threw it at childcare.

We are definitely seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and both now are at a stage where we are earning well and have some flexibility in our jobs.

Sometimes I think having money makes people question “how it can be done”, because they have an option to stay at home/work part time without then wondering how they will keep a roof over their heads.

Majority of people in this country just have to get on with it - you survive.

NoSquirrels · 23/08/2023 09:13

Labbingtons · 23/08/2023 08:51

Thanks for the replies. I’m really not boasting, and I know it’s a pretty good set up. But it’s new to me and I don’t want to mess up what has always been a happy family arrangement.

My mum had to go back to full time work when I was 13. She did not cope well, assumed a burning martyr role at home and in her job, and ended up signed off with depression. It really affected me and I’d rather avoid that happening if I can.

Makes sense that it affected you. But it absolutely doesn’t need to be you.

Key is both parents being aware of their joint responsibility to household running duties and committed to sharing the load. This is the biggest adjustment IMO if your DH has always taken your larger contribution on this score a bit for granted, but you say he’s a good un so hopefully you’ll be fine. As PP say, get the kids involved in regular chores too.

TerrorOwls · 23/08/2023 09:19

This sounds great to me. Many of us are in families where both work full time and still can't afford cleaners.

Rocknrollstar · 23/08/2023 09:20

I studied full time when my children were at Primary School and worked full time when they were in Secondary, also studying for a higher qualification. I had no help. You just have to be organised and the children learnt to be independent eg they packed their own school bags and let them selves in when they got home. They earned extra pocket money by doing extra chores. Of course it’s do-able. Especially if you already have help.

Original poster
Labbingtons · 23/08/2023 09:21

I know that I must sound really pathetic to the veteran full-timers out there.

I am a pretty competent person most of the time, I promise! And I am probably overthinking it because of my mum’s breakdown. To be honest, that’s the thing that’s frightening me. I know that I can be super organised, get help in etc. But from my own experience, if I don’t cope and the same thing happens to me, all bets are off. We had a terrible couple of years after what happened to mum and it casts a bit of a shadow over the choices I make.

OP posts:
honeyandfizz · 23/08/2023 09:22

Ah come on OP, check your privilege here. Many many women work FT with young kids, many a single parent (me) and we cope because we have to. You have a good DH and a ton of help I am sure you will just fine.

Peony654 · 23/08/2023 09:23

RadioFoot · 23/08/2023 08:26

You have a cleaner twice a week, a gardener and a dog walker. This is a stealth boast, sorry.

This. Sorry but you must be joking with this ask.

PowerTulle · 23/08/2023 09:25

What sorts of things do you struggle with now OP?
I plan a long time ahead for everything, make lists and phone reminders, we have a shared family calendar etc. Same things we’ve had all along since DCs were small to keep us organized.
Secondary school means that sometimes they have to occupy themselves if we’re working after school ours. If they’re traveling home by themselves that’s great, so just need a key and some clear instructions and safety rules about what they need to do when they get home.

sadaboutmycat · 23/08/2023 09:25

Lone parent of 4, always worked 50+ hrs a week, no family support. Always poor so no cleaners etc.

Do I win?!

felisha54 · 23/08/2023 09:26

I think you'll all survive.

Mustreadabook · 23/08/2023 09:33

Gousto boxes!

hdbs17 · 23/08/2023 09:34

Huh?

Both my parents worked full time and got by with childcare and when I was in secondary school - let me look after myself until they returned home (often after 6pm - I'd be home at 3:30pm).

I have a KS1 aged child and one on the way, I work full time (9am - 6pm 5 days a week plus on-call) and plan to return to full time after maternity leave.

I have no cleaner or outside help with running the house, I do the cooking, cleaning, everything.

What's your point?

MrHopsPortal · 23/08/2023 09:34

I suspect the day to day household management won't be a problem in the slightest as you'll be able to chuck a bit of money at any issues as and when they come up.

Reading between the lines - I also suspect you are actually concerned about being able to provide emotional support to your DC when they are used to you being more available. Will the full time role still be term-time only? If so, you have the luxury of the holidays to do that. Term time might still be a little difficult, but I think it will involve things like carving out time where you can, as a family and individually with your DC and really focussing on that. Can you do a hobby with each of them for those moments when they open up when they are concentrating on something else?

Fourecks · 23/08/2023 09:36

I've worked full-time without paid help since before my kids were at school. But I can see why your mum's experience is weighing on your mind.

It might be worth reflecting on the differences between your life and hers. It sounded like she may have had to return to work full-time for financial reasons? If it wasn't really a choice and she was working in an unfulfilling role that only paid enough to keep the family's head above water financially, then that sounds quite different to your own circumstances and history is unlikely to repeat itself.

PowerTulle · 23/08/2023 09:39

Just seen your update OP. Sorry to hear your own mum’s struggles.

It’s important to remember that sometimes things will go wrong and you have to accept that. As a working parent there are always opportunities for plans to fail. You just carry on. That’s just life.

mindutopia · 23/08/2023 09:53

Absolutely doable. While I don't work FT at the moment due to project funding, dh and I were both FT when our eldest was 2. My mum was back to work FT when I was 3 months (though she had help in the form of my grandparents for childcare). It's absolutely possible, especially since your dc will be getting home from school about when you are. What else would you be doing in the afternoons home alone? They don't need close supervision, so you start dinner at 5/6pm like most people do and you chat with your kids as they breeze through the kitchen to find snacks.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/08/2023 10:14

I knew it would happen, but this thread is now full of people saying “I work 18 hour days on 8p a year with 8 children and we are fine”

There is a difference between thriving and surviving though isn’t there. I don’t believe everyone on this thread is finding it easy.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 23/08/2023 10:27

The posts about most people doing this are ignoring the part about one DC having additional needs. Most people do not have DC with additional needs. And for those who do, parents with more substantial caring responsibilities are often unable to work at all or only part time.

poorbutgood · 23/08/2023 10:28

I work fully time, and don't have a cleaner etc

Your kids are old enough to help, I really don't know what the issue is