Help! Can I really manage full time work and a happy family life with older kids?

[Labbingtons]

Circumstances have necessitated a return to full time work (term time only) for me. Kids will both be at secondary from September and there’s a chance to take on a project I don’t want to miss. I’m self employed, but the project is a risk so will take it on alongside my 3 day a week consultancy role. I’ll do client visits 3 mornings a week and will work at home or in my (nearby) office the rest of the time.

I’ve always worked but never full time since having children. They will both get to school independently on buses (home at 4.45.) DH has also recently taken on a big promotion and is super busy but very involved, great with helping with homework etc. DS has additional needs and will need lots of support with homework/ organisation. DD is pretty independent but loves a chat at the end of the day. Both have weekend and after school activities (Scouts etc.) to be taken to.

Please help with any tips and thoughts about keeping a happy family life with two full time working parents. And how to avoid feeling run into the ground with commitments. If you work full time, how do you find time for your own interests, your relationships and social life?

The new role means we at least have money to throw at the problem and I’ve already asked our cleaner to do an extra day a week to accommodate laundry, found a gardener/odd job person and arranged a 3-day a week dogwalker. Anything else to make life easier?

I'm a full time lone parent who works full time, with no additional help apart from wrap around child care. You'll be fine. You just juggle stuff. And you have paid help, which would ease most of my stress.

We also have a happy home life, plenty of time spent together as well. My standards are probably lower than yours, but then it's me thats doing the housework, so thats ok.

@RadioFoot Er, it really isn't that uncommon. Can't people on good salaries also post asking for advice on things? Jesus.

@honeyandfizz OP didn't say she couldn't cope, or that everything was falling apart. She's literally just asked for some friendly advice/tips on the CHAT forum on how to make sure life is as happy and functional as possible while going through a transition in the family in terms of work arrangements. She doesn't need to 'check her privilege' - she hasn't denied being privileged. Check your jealousy, maybe?

Are they missing it? Of course, absolutely etc are the answers I’ve seen.

Just Do It.

People on good salaries are wondering so what is the issue here? A tad snoowflakey.

@blueshoes She's literally just asking for advice on how to maximise happiness and harmony in family life while navigating these change. Hardly outlandish, is it?

Sure. Book a spa.

Gives new meaning to diamond shoes too tight.

Gosh- it sounds like you've got it all covered

Help at home
Independent kids
A partner
Flexibility with your work.

You will be good, just need to adjust.

I do all that as a single parent without any of those 4 things above. It's hell but definitely doable once you adjust and I'm probably the burning martyr you mentioned your mum being 😂😂

We are both FT with admittedly only one DC in primary school. No cleaner/gardener etc, no help from family. I would say I'm happy and thriving! How is this possible? I really enjoy my job (academic). We both have flexi-time at work and take it in turns to collect DC from school. If I don't finish what I need to do for the day when it's my turn to collect, I can finish off in the evening (or just do it tomorrow).

We do the cleaning bit by bit whenever it needs doing. I socialise/exercise in the evenings or at weekend, much the same as before DC. We also alternate bedtime duties so when it's his night to deal with that, I get a bit of time to do yoga, have a tidy up, finish off some work, whatever. At least once a week, I do something out of the house that starts at 5 or 6pm and don't get home until 8pm, it's lovely to escape the bedtime routine once a week.

Could you treat this project as a trial run?
If it goes well keep working full time or if it’s not right for you and your family go back to 3 days?

Don't see anything wrong with the question. Any big change can be a bit daunting.

OP, my experience going FT after years of PT is that you realise quickly what actually needs doing and what was just busy work. PTA volunteering etc went out of the window straight away. Buying a load of stuff online and then sending it all back, the same. You just do things more efficiently, naturally, and wonder how you managed to fill the spare time before (it's the reverse of retiring- my mum is always telling me how busy she is, without a second to spare, yet in a day all she'll do is a supermarket trip and coffee with a friend). Tasks expand to fill the time you have.

Meal planning and batch cooking can save you time. Tell your kids that they are responsible for staying on top of what they need for school and sending you links if they need eg new uniform or books. Limit things like buying birthday presents to the people you personally are responsible for and actually want to give something to. You'll be fine, good luck with the new project!

As long as the rest of the family all pitch in with housework including cooking you will be ok.

An equal number of posts have breezed past the happy part and said of course, I manage/I cope/I do that without the help so it’s difficult/it’s doable but relentless, or said something sarcastic (because they haven’t read OP’s updates about her mother). To me, “managing” and “coping” aren’t the same as happy. Of course she’ll cope and manage, we all do, but do we thrive?

I think it will be unlikely that she wouldn’t. Her kids are older and it’s term time only for a start.

Not all. Just women because men are never asked this question or frankly, consider it.

I think the key difference here is that you seem excited at the prospect of returning full time and taking on this new project, whereas it sounds as if your mum had to return and it sounds like she didn't want to.

It's also important to remember that you and your mum aren't the same person - just because your mum didn't handle going back to work full time very well, absolutely does not mean you won't be able to. There are lots of factors that will have contributed to your mum's feelings on returning to work including whether she enjoyed her work, whether she'd worked full time before, how much help she had at home and what her mental health was like before having children, so I think you just need to focus on you and your feelings about going back full time.

Keep an eye on your own mental health - your kids will undoubtedly adjust but it's a big change for you as well. Make sure that you seek help if you do feel your mental health dipping, keep talking to your dh and kids about how you're/they're coping and if it gets too much, while it's disappointing, at least you're in a position where you could cut your hours back without a massive financial impact.

I went full time last year also, I would say definitely plan ahead for meals. Give the kids jobs to do and make sure your husband pulls his weight too from the start and stick to it. We've ended in a default where I do everything 😕

In my experience, secondary kids need you more than younger ones. I'd advise finding something that helps you clear your head so you can manage the mental load of adolescents as well as managing the house. They will need you, usually around ten or eleven pm when you are at your most exhausted. You will lose sleep often.
You can do this, but make sure to remember your own self care, you can't pour from an empty cup.

Ahhhhh! Point taken, and already experienced to some extent (although no heartbreak or significant mental health issues as yet, thank goodness).

The hotshot team of DH and his sidekick listening Labrador do a lot of the heavy lifting on the well-being side, although I’ve noticed DD increasingly coming to me.

I have a bit of a history around not noticing my cup is empty until it’s too late. A bit like my mum, I guess!

You need to redistribute all the work that you used to do in the ? 16 hours ( assuming you used to work 3 days and now you will work 5) .

eg

gardener 1 hour a week
extra cleaner 3 hours a week
dog walker 2 hours a week
DH doing dinner 2 nights = 4 hours a week

thats only 10 hours, you are still short of 8 hours so your husband needs to do more. Eg order weekly food shop online , get kids up and out to school two mornings a week so you can start work in your nearby office at 7:30 or 8am. That will allow you to leave early.

Don’t make the mistake of spending all Saturday doing housework while your husband takes the kids to sports / leaves them at his mothers . Then spending all day Sunday doing things with the kids so your husband can “ have his day off “ to play golf / football etc .

I see this all the time on MN. He gets an easier day on Saturday - sitting in a coffee shop for 2 hours while your kids play sport or leaving your kids at granny’s for the day is NOT the same as 6 - 8 hours housework . Then he gets a day off on Sunday and she gets NO days off.

Thats a recipe for exhaustion and resentment .

CONNIE thank you. The redistribution is what I’ve been going for. Hopefully the maths will work.

Luckily, DH is a good ‘un and never resents time with me or the kids. His main hobby is creative writing, which he does on his train journey into London.

I am definitely not going to be taking up Saturday housework- that way resentment and possibly divorce lies! In term time, DH and I alternate Saturdays in London as DD goes to music school there, which is actually lovely and I’ll be sad when she’s old enough to do it alone.

Middle class family im guessing. Im a single parent no help 2 children, my teen is 14 & my other is 10. 10 year old goes to a childminder. I dont drive i get the tube (london) finish work at 5.30 at childminder minders by 6.10 & home by 6.45ish dinner on homework with the kids, house work is usually done in the morning before i leave for work at 7.45

My suggestions would be:

1. A 4 week revolving meal planner- with one day having something like jacket potato's and left over curry, bolognese etc as a topping... plus when you can double the quantities and chuck another meal in the freezer
2. Teenagers can help with meals. I actually really love that my working parents expected one meal from my siblings and myself a week (simple following a recipe). I went to uni able to cook unlike lots of my peers
3. A job list on the fridge- divided into family members for daily chores (wiping sides, tidying kitchen etc)
4. Using time when driving to check in with teenagers and see how they are (they can't look you in the eyes so sometimes conversation is easier)
5. Don't forget exercise/ something for your mental health
6. If you are struggling hello fresh/guosto can help (I use one or the other and both regularly send me offers so I switch between them every few months)

This comes from a full time working mum who has no at home help, cares for her husband and has a toddler- and some of the things that make my life easier. Please look after yourself though (I get up earlier to go to the gym on the way to work as otherwise exercise doesn't happen)

Plenty of people do it but for me I wanted to be home when they got in from school so I worked 8:30-3 with half hour break, so a 30 hour week.

I worked full time when my kids were in Secondary. Actually before that. I have never had a cleaner and OH worked very long hours. It can be done.