Help! Can I really manage full time work and a happy family life with older kids?

[Labbingtons]

Circumstances have necessitated a return to full time work (term time only) for me. Kids will both be at secondary from September and there’s a chance to take on a project I don’t want to miss. I’m self employed, but the project is a risk so will take it on alongside my 3 day a week consultancy role. I’ll do client visits 3 mornings a week and will work at home or in my (nearby) office the rest of the time.

I’ve always worked but never full time since having children. They will both get to school independently on buses (home at 4.45.) DH has also recently taken on a big promotion and is super busy but very involved, great with helping with homework etc. DS has additional needs and will need lots of support with homework/ organisation. DD is pretty independent but loves a chat at the end of the day. Both have weekend and after school activities (Scouts etc.) to be taken to.

Please help with any tips and thoughts about keeping a happy family life with two full time working parents. And how to avoid feeling run into the ground with commitments. If you work full time, how do you find time for your own interests, your relationships and social life?

The new role means we at least have money to throw at the problem and I’ve already asked our cleaner to do an extra day a week to accommodate laundry, found a gardener/odd job person and arranged a 3-day a week dogwalker. Anything else to make life easier?

I don't even have that, and I have 3 kids (one SEN) and a dog. And I still manage!

Honestly, I really think you should start to think of this as a family problem to solve, rather than a problem for the mother going up to working full-time, IYSWIM? Your childhood experiences are that when your mum went back FT it was all too much, but she is not you. Have you discussed any of your worries with your DH?

We have discussed it. Lots. DH thinks it will be fine and we’ve worked out various systems for coordinating diaries etc.

I guess, while I do see it as a family issue, I absolutely don’t want it to strain my marriage, or become my children’s problem. I want them to feel that they have the same priority as ever.

Ignore the haterz OP, they are just jealous :)

And, as ShirleyPhallus points out there is a difference between surviving and thriving. So what if someone manages on FT with 4 kids and 3 dogs. We are all different, in different circs.
OP, just make sure your husband is genuinely pulling his weight, in every aspect (planning, appointments, laundy etc) and it will be fine.
In fact, once the kids hit 13 you will be so grateful to be able to get away from them....

Full-time term time only? You'll be absolutely fine. I work very full time and no outside help (though at the stage I'm going to need a cleaner if I could find a decent one).

Batch cook food for the week at the weekend, online food shop, keep on top of the laundry - run overnight, hang out before work.

You'll get a lot of abuse here from people in different jobs/ salary brackets. People I know who have genuine 16 hour a day high pressure we'll paying careers - no 'switch off' time and need for constant availability- law, investment, some IT and medical roles, self employed business owners etc - outsource everything they can / throw money at things to maximise the most precious thing they have - time. So yes cleaner - sometimes takes on housekeeping role with food shop and laundry and supervision younger teens etc. Possibly tutors to help with schoolwork - can be uni students performing big brother/sister role etc.
Planning - family calendar essential ; everyone knows what is needed each day and who is responsible for what. Kids need to take responsibility for allocated tasks.

My husband and I both work full time in stressful managerial level jobs. We have three teenagers, one with ASD and school avoidance (partial WFH helps a bit with this). We are comfortable but we can't afford any services like cleaners etc. - we work in the public sector. We've also been renovating our house at the weekends (not been done in decades). It isn't perfect but we cope and I'm sure you will as long as you don't want a show home. But if you want a show home and to be totally on top of things then I think buying in help is the only option. My main issue is when the kids want to chat in the evening and I'm half asleep.

I wnet back to full time a few years ago. At that time dc were 10,12,14 and 16 (plus an 18 and 20 yr old at uni!) My role was out of the home, senior nhs clinician. DH was a teacher - also full time but at least off in the holdays. No family at all near by. Didnt have cleaner or gardener or any other paid "help" It was fine for the first 18 months, but then did go a pear shaped when covid and lockdowns hit, but that couldnt have been predicted. Mstly since it has been ok, although if id had a choice (financial pressures) I would prob have dropped a day to go back down to 4 days a week. But possibly im impacted as well by the fact my job is now ridiculously stresful, working in understaffed and underresources areas and I often end up doing extra hours/longer days etc which isnt ideal.

You’re not your mother, OP. You’re also not responsible for your family’s ‘happiness’ — that’s a collective issue, not something that hangs on one person being endlessly available for others.

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You will be fine. I work full time with full time working partner. Two younger children, the youngest of which is autistic. No cleaner, gardener, dog walker here. We suck it up because money pays bills ultimately.

I agree with @SecondhandSalute - you are not your mother. And while it's totally understandable that you are focused on what happened with her, your situation is likely very different. Expectations, support from your DH, financial, children's needs etc would all have been different in some way from where you're at.

One thing I will say is that for all these people who come on to say they've worked full time and it's fine etc etc, I think that's true and I am one of them. But I won't lie, I often envy people who work part time or not at all. Not because I think their lives are easier as such, but because I think they are less likely to be as rushed as me all the time. I often feel like I am constantly rushing - rushing to finish my work o I can get downstairs and make dinner. Rushing to get back from that meeting so I can collect the DC. Rushing from swimming because I have a call with someone in New York. so be prepare for that - your life might involve a lot more rushing and planning.

Ignore the sarcastic posts. I think you are right to to be mindful of the new impacts your circumstances will present. Mental/emotional exhaustion is real and you could find yourself drained. I would suggest you make time for just family time - whether it's no phones at the table, date nights etc.
Good Luck :)

Single parent here. I do it all. It's doable. Organisation is crucial. You're able to outsource some of the menial stuff so that helps.

Having a relaxed attitude helps too 😂😂😂

Get other household members chipping in where they can.

It'll be fine.

Private chef.

I've worked full time since my husband had an affair and left. Both DC secondary school, no cleaners or outside help. I do my hours compressed into 4 days so I can have a day while the DC aren't here to get things done around the house.

It's hard as no-one to 'help' but I need to pay my mortgage and bills so I haven't got an alternative so just get on with it!

Absolutely what @ShirleyPhallus said – of course lots of things are doable, but are they fun?

I’d recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky – it’s a household management system that helps you divide up the physical and mental labour of running a household, so you and your DH take on tasks equitably, and each has their own responsibilities. Even if you outsource something, like the cleaner, one person is solely responsible for booking/writing the list/topping up cleaning supplies/paying/tidying up before they come. The good news is the other person is solely responsible for a different task, so you don’t even have to think about it, it’s forever off your to do list/mental load. And it stops you both trying to do a task and consequently doubling up the work or it not getting done “because I thought you were doing it”.

Those saying you've always done it are missing the point. The point is the change and everyone's expectations.

Op the main thing is being around for the kids as much as you'd like. Teenagers need hands off but present if possible and if you're working from home you're providing that.

You have housework covered and meal planning helps. That you are keen to do the project is extremely helpful for your enjoyment of life too.

I don't understand why people make fun of this post. When changes happens in your life, you need to plan. What is wrong with that?

How about mealtimes? I found it very difficult to cook healthy when both of us parents have full time jobs. For us, food delivery (hello fresh etc) takes the edge off- when we know we will have a busy week, we book a delivery. You can ask for freshly made food that comes frozen, so you don't need to cook.
For us, sitting together at the dinnertable and catching up as a family is a very important, and that is how we spend quality time together during busy weekdays.

Me and my husband takes turn to work over the weekend from home, but the other day (usually Saturday) is family time. We have a National Trust membership, so we make sure we go out somewhere every other weekend.

I'm going back full time in a couple of weeks with similar age kids. The thing I'm anxious about is just shifting everyone else in the families attitudes. I have been pt since the kids were born and so naturally taken on more chores. They are all a bit lazy but also very busy with their own hobbies and I'm sick of feeling like the 'staff' at home. I think they are in for a bit of a shock. I too will need to carve out time in the evenings and weekends for work and hobbies so won't be endlessly on hand to wash PE kits at shirt notice, make packed lunch on demand. I'm looking forward to it.

Im sorry I know I should take this seriously but looking at your situation op it sounds ideal! You have lots of help, no money worries, and older children so much easier to care for day to day. I'm a single parent to a six year old, work full time, no help, left crippled in debt by ex, literally on the bones of my arse and every day I'm exhausted, no family help. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I think you're overthinking something here, your children will be fine with you working full time as most children do have parents who work full time but also have to do their own cleaning, gardening and dog walking

Yeah once they are at secondary makes a big difference- totally agree about kids doing chores as well - we have had on and off meal boxes and the kids tend to cook them.

Term time only and your DC not having extracurriculars after school Mon to Fri and just coming home should help.

Weeknight cooking and meal planning is a pain: get DH and the DC to cook often!

Gousto/hello fresh maybe?

Well millions of other women do or have done so I'm not entirely sure what your problem is. You have a partner, you have paid help.