AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

[Asexualawakening]

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s!

Ask me anything………

@AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves Love your name. New Seekers?

Well, some would be lesbians, some asexual, but the majority just unlucky in love.

@WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo How sad that you felt broken. A Guardian article from some years back might interest you. If you search the following: 'Brian' 'Alison' 'cuddly' 'marriage' 'sexless', you should find it. There are probably more marriages like that than we think, but everyone's been conditioned to keep quiet if they're not having rampant sex all the time.

There's a line of thought that it's the emphasis on sex in our society that has caused the growth in people identifying as asexual. Going through moments in life when you don't want to have sex or don't fancy someone shouldn't be seen as something that indicated you belong to a special group. I'd argue it's within the norm.
There is even a push to define people who don't fancy strangers or who aren't promiscuous as demi-sexual so basically anybody who's not up for it all the time gets a special label.

Some would be lesbians, yes, and some would be women who had hangups about sex or commitment or whatever. I don't see any proof that they were asexual as it's not the same thing as being celibate.
Some would also just be unlucky if they failed to meet a man within a certain window before everyone their own age got married. I suppose there were widowers, but not as many divorcees when my great aunt, for example, was growing older as a single woman.

"That said it’s a shame that meno women feel pressured to maintain the same sex drive they had as young women, in order to please men. Obviously if they miss sex and want to enjoy it again then by all means seek HRT etc!"

Same could be said about older men and Viagra I suppose. Was it Claire Rayner who told them to go and have a cup of tea instead?

OP herself focuses on the lack of desire though.

Exactly right, @Gwenhwyfar the whole thing is way out of hand. It's ridiculous that those, like me, who fit the definition for demisexuality should be branded asexual. Is it really so unusual to find the idea of sex without emotional attachment offputting? What's more, the 'official' definition is full of holes and contradictions. It seems that almost everyone can be included in what is supposed to be a group comprising 1%. The so-called demisexuals alone will account for a lot more than that.

" Is it really so unusual to find the idea of sex without emotional attachment offputting?"

Not at all. Only about 30% of women have had a one night stand, from one stat I remember reading.
Makes you wonder how current dating trends of having sex before even being in a relationship is good for some women...

"What's more, the 'official' definition is full of holes and contradictions. It seems that almost everyone can be included in what is supposed to be a group comprising 1%. "

Exactly. One minute it's about lack of attraction, the next it's about not liking sex, but guess what there are some asexuals who masturbate and have orgasms (see link posted above by another poster).

And then I am called a hypocrite because I acknowledge that there are celibate people as if all celibate people can fit into the asexual group.

This is why I also refer to an asexual lobby that tries to recruit as many people as possible into its folds.

I agree in part with this, I don’t think somebody is asexual if they go through moments where they’re not interested in sex or don’t fancy people, or even fancy people but don’t want to go as far as having sex or don’t have much of a libido.

Personally I think the key point of being asexual is never feeling sexually attracted to anybody, of either sex, ever. I do identify as asexual (privately, I have never shared this ‘identity’ with anyone in real life) and I find the label helpful because it sort of validates my feelings, and for me it helps to think of it as a pre-programmed orientation that I have no control over and can’t help, rather than an aspect of me that is broken. I would never think somebody who was, for example, gay was choosing to be that way, I recognise orientation is something that just is and that you can’t force yourself to be anything different, and after years of an almost self-appointed conversion therapy where I slept with men to try and ‘cure’ myself it is personally helpful for me to own the label of asexual, to recognise this as an image orientation and to recognise that I need to learn to accept myself this way, regardless of whether it is the path I would have chosen for myself if given the choice because orientation is something I believe to be innate rather than something that can be changed. It’s not about having a ‘special label’ or wanting to be something different to the ‘norm’ (I very very strongly wish I was straight or gay, I would deeply love to feel sexual attraction) but about recognition (within myself) that this is my innate orientation and not a deficit or dysfunction.

I really really disagree with this statement.
Sex is a need for, I want to say all human beings, but apparently not. So let's say most human beings.so it's not like your husband is odd or anything. And most psychologists name it as a need, ie like food or water not a want.

Even if you don't think it is a need, you'll probably be able to acknowledge that it is pretty important to your dh. And if you love someone you really try and give them your all. Even to your detriment. I would allow my dh to have a nap after a long shift even if I was up with the baby all night. Because I love him deeply, and he'd do the same for me. I couldn't fathom not ever giving my husband sex. To me that is so inherently selfish I don't know how I could cope.
Even if you derive little or no pleasure from it or even actively hate it, I would for example do it once a month or whatever.

I can think of many examples where we give to those we love. If my nipples are cracked and bleeding for a week I don't stop feeding my baby.

I hurt myself to give birth.
I really don't like certain things but do them because they bring my husband or children joy.
I don't think sex is any different.
If you don't derive any pleasure from sex, but state that you cuddle etc why don't you just do it for the physical nearness? It will probs be quick because you don't need to orgasm. Then enjoy the cuddles.

Actually I want to take back that sex is a need, it doesn't matter what it is. Even if it is just a nice to have, I can't fathom actively keeping somethim my husband loved from him.

"And most psychologists name it as a need, ie like food or water not a want."

Oh dear. Nobody could argue it's a need like food or water. You will die without food and water.
For some people it's a need similar to how friendship or companionship is for others ie they will be sad without it.

"If you don't derive any pleasure from sex, but state that you cuddle etc why don't you just do it for the physical nearness? It will probs be quick because you don't need to orgasm. Then enjoy the cuddles."

Unwanted sex can be physically painful and psychologically harmful so I don't agree with this. It's also what OP seems to have been doing over the years, but had to stop. Her DH has the option of leaving if he wants to.

I'm sorry this just scream selfish to me.
Imagine my husband told me he is not going to do foreplay anymore. Because to quote you 'it's smelly and tiring and I get nothing from it" "I actively dislike it"

He is happy and prefers to just go straight into penetrative sex.
MN would be all over that calling him a selfish bastard.

What a ridiculous statement. There are things that one person might think they want or need to feel secure in a relationship, but if they are damaging to the other person then that other person should not just allow it. What about men who ‘need’ to feel in control by, for example, having full control of all family finances and only permitting their wives to have a small monthly allowance? If a husband has a fetish and can only enjoy sex if he is dressed as a woman and engages in doggy-style anal whilst his wife dresses as a gimp, would a wife have to accept that? Do you have no sexual boundaries and would you genuinely engage in a sexual practise you didn’t enjoy just because your husband desired it and it would make him happy?

Sex is not a human right, but even if it was that does not mean anybody is entitled to it from anybody else. Nobody should feel forced to have sex with somebody who they don’t want to have sex with just to keep them happy. Moreso, no good person should really want to have sex with somebody they know is just going through the motions to keep them happy but is internally hating it. What kind of husband would want to have sex that he knew his wife hated?

The OP’s husband is not trapped in the marriage, he is free to leave it if he is not happy with any aspect of it. Yes, he is entitled to seek a relationship where there is regular sex if that is what he desires, but he is absolutely not entitled for that relationship to be with his wife if she does not want or enjoy sex.

Oh and he feels justified because there is a name for it. Aforeplayers.

You're right, more akin to companionship than water, yet, like companionship a very real and valid need.
My argument is even if you take the need part out of it, and even if you take penetrative sex away, no sex ever seems cruel to me.
There various other ways, but she actively hates all of them? It's still selfish imo

If your husband doesn’t want to engage in foreplay any more that is his right. Obviously it is also your right to decide that that is a dealbreaker for you and that you don’t want to continue with the marriage, or that you won’t engage in sex any more. He should not feel forced to engage in foreplay if he genuinely does not want to but he cannot expect that you will accept that and continue to have penetrative sex with him if that means it is no longer enjoyable for you. If it is a dealbreaker you leave the marriage, you don’t force your husband to do something he does not want. Regardless of whether it is or isn’t selfish, it is his right to make a choice regarding the aspects of sexual activity he will and won’t engage in.

Clearly the issue of sex is not a dealbreaker for the OP’s husband or he would have left. For some people it would be a dealbreaker. That is obviously a very personal thing but regardless it doesn’t mean anybody is entitled to have sex or engage in specific sexual activities with a person who doesn’t want it, ever, in any circumstance. It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, married etc - nobody is entitled to sex or specific sexual activities and nobody is obliged to participate or engage in sex or specific sexual activities to please somebody else, in any circumstance ever.

I think there a difference between cutting yourself during sex cause your husband enjoyed it, or other deviant sexual practises like you said and vanilla sex.

And no I'd assume her husband is not having sex with her because he know she hates it. Hence why I would make all the more effort to compromise as he's doing all the compromise at this moment.

And that's more my point no good husband will force his wife to have sex, but a loving one will do it anyway, even if infrequently.

And to someone who can only get off from something like dressing up etc, he needs help just as someone not having sex with her husband needs counselling. And that's my opinion.

Well have to agree to disagree. I think in a committed, loving relationship we should do our utmost to work things out. We shout divorce to frequently. I don't blame ops husband for not wanting to break up a family because his wife has stopped loving him as she should.

I would expect my husband and I to make a compromise, not divorce. But I'm clearly old fashioned and think that marriage is more scared and shouldn't be started or ended on a whim

I have to agree with you @Ohhbaby Take it or leave it seems selfish to me. Those saying he is free to leave seem to miss the point that he doesn't want to, he is part of a family. Roles reversed - my DH doesn't do something that is important to me but tells me it's OK cos I can leave but he gets the house and kids if I do.

Such an interesting and complex thread. I'm early 40's and have never had a boyfriend/relationship. No kind of sexual encounter whatsoever. It's always bothered me and especially since I turned 40 I've been trying to unpick what is wrong with me.

I remember friends trying to get me to kiss a boy when we were young... and I just didn't want to do it... so I didn't. That said, I did fancy or have crushes on males - usually older, celebrities. My first crush on a celeb I was actually very young. All the crushes I had I would pretend we fell in love and lived happily ever after. I was young so it was never a sexual thing, it was a romantic thing.

That's something that remains to this day. I don't see an attractive guy and think 'I want to have sex with you.' I know they're attractive to me, and I want to get to know them. The last guy I had a crush on I didn't really feel an attraction to until we started chatting. This was a few years ago and there hasn't been anyone like that since. Having said that, I'm not getting out much either to meet anyone.

I've never understood the need to snog someone at the end of a night out just for the sake of it. Or have sex just for the sake of it. But then, maybe if I had sex I would understand?

I do get horny, I do masturbate. I want to cuddle and be intimate. I do want to have a relationship with someone. Or at least, I like the idea of it. What I don't get is this huge important role that sex plays. It seems like sex is the be all and end all of relationships. Especially for men. I don't want someone to be with me just for sex. There are so many threads on here about sexless marriages - from men and women - and I think "is that really all your marriage/relationship boils down to?"

I just really want relationships to be about more. And for most men it seems like it's literally just about sex.

Have you ever had sex you didn’t want? Have you ever had sex you didn’t want repeatedly, over a sustained period, to try and keep somebody happy? I have. Like you I thought it was my duty as a girlfriend to keep my partner sexually fulfilled and to have sex I didn’t want.

Its painful. Even with lube, it is painful to have sex when you are not physically turned on, when your vagina is not physiologically ready to have a penis inserted. It hurts. A lot. For the entirety. At times it was agonising, and I had to hide this from my partner because obviously I wanted him to be happy.

Afterwards you feel violated. I would shower on the hottest setting whilst I cried after sex. Sometimes I would self harm or be physically sick. Sometimes the physical pain after intercourse would last for days. At first this was manageable, but over time you start to feel anxiety. I would tell myself today was going to be the day that I had sex, and then I would feel overwhelmed with anxiety, sometimes I would have a panic attack. The gaps between having sex got longer even though I was trying to force myself, and then I felt more and more pressure and the anxiety increased. I would finally manage to force myself and I would end up in tears during sex, I didn’t want to be crying but the emotional response was so great I couldn’t control it. I would be trying to hide the tears from my partner, he would shut his eyes and ignore them desperate to orgasm and finish the sex he had been waiting days or over time weeks for. I don’t believe it was particularly enjoyable for him.

Over time the anxiety got worse, I started to hate him for making me go through something that was so emotionally and physically painful. My anxiety got worse, the self harm got worse. I started to get anxious every time he touched me that he was going to try and initiate sex, it got to the point I couldn’t bear him touching me, every touch felt like a violation and would initiate a fight or flight type anxiety response where every part of my being told me I was in danger. It got to the point that even having his leg brush against mine in bed would send me into anxiety and I literally felt sick at the thought of him touching me. I loved him but obviously we broke up because I hated him at the same time. I wanted desperately to be able to be normal and to be able to have sex like anybody else, I didn’t choose to have the physiological or psychological response that I did, but sex when you are not remotely turned on or into it is not something that everybody can just put up with. I have never orgasmed, I do not feel any sexual pleasure from being touched - it is overwhelmingly unpleasant and painful, having that done to you repeatedly by someone else lead to the complete breakdown of that relationship for me.

Its easy to say ‘just have sex to keep him happy’ if you enjoy sex, if you can be turned on by your partner and if you have no frame of reference for what sex with somebody when you are not turned on and when it does not feel good is like. But the reality is that having repeated sex that you do not want, desire or enjoy, that is often painful and uncomfortable, is likely to be far more damaging to a relationship than celibacy. It is not something anybody should just have to put up with.

I haven’t told my friend she’s asexual, it’s just something I suspect based on what she’s told me, she has zero interest or desire for sexual contact with anyone in anyway, regardless of whether she loves someone or finds them attractive. That sounds pretty much like asexuality me. She doesn’t have a fear of sex, she has sex regularly with her husband because she thinks it’s her duty (which is a whole other story), but she said she does not enjoy it, she never desires it and never has with any partner.

When she fancies someone she describes it as she thinks they’re good looking and likes receiving attention from them, but she has no desire to have sex or any sexual contact with them. She doesn’t put a label on herself, but she is pretty open about never experiencing sexual desire or feelings and thinks there’s “something wrong with her”.

I haven’t responded to several posts because this is an AMA (Ask Me Anything) thread, not a GMYUOAJOMLEBOYOOFAPMOBAWOWSDWTBWYWDIIWY (Give Me Your Unsolicited Opinions, Assumptions And Judgement On My Lived Experience Based On Your Own Old Fashioned, Arguably Patriarchal, Misogynistic And Oppressive Beliefs About What Other Women Should Do With Their Bodies, And What You Would Do If It Were You) thread.

Also please RTFT (read the full thread) or at least all my replies before posting - I will answer any question.