Page 8 | AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

Asexualawakening · 2023-08-21T19:28:50+00:00

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s! Ask me anything………

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 22/08/2023 13:36

I strongly suspect a lot of "spinsters" and "maiden aunts" in the past were gay rather than asexual - it just wasn't appropriate to have gay relationships so they ended up alone.

You do read of a lot of women who used to live together as "spinsters" or "cousins" when it fact they were in secret relationships.

Original poster

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 13:38

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/08/2023 13:35

I don’t believe that being single/ celibate and being asexual are synonymous, I think the significant part of asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others. Obviously you can be single/ celibate, whether through choice or circumstance, and still feel sexually attracted to others.

I think everyone would agree that babies/ young children don’t feel sexual desire, they don’t feel sexual attraction towards other people of either sex and obviously any physical contact of that nature would not feel good. Children might feel drawn towards specific people or even have little ‘crushes’ but it’s not sexual. At some point around or after puberty most people start to develop a new type of sexual attraction towards some other people (sometimes solely towards one sex, sometimes of both), at some point physical contact with genitals etc starts to feel particularly good, at some point there is a desire to engage in this physical contact with another person who they feel attracted to. This never happened with me. I do not feel any noticeably differently towards other people now than I did in infancy, I don’t experience any different/ pleasurable feelings when touching my body (or having someone else do it) than I did in infancy. I have never had an orgasm. That part of me has not developed. I don’t feel any different, sexually, than I have at any other point in my life from infancy to now. I don’t think that is the case for most people who identify as straight/ gay/ bisexual etc, that they feel no different towards people they are attracted to than they did in infancy.

The term asexual seems adequate to describe the above for me, if others don’t like the label or prefer a different term such as non-sexual or even dysfunctional that is fine, I don’t particularly desire a flag or a tribe or a label. I can’t really understand those saying that asexuality doesn’t exist, because I am living it and honestly, why would I lie about it? I would like nothing more than to feel sexual attraction and like/ enjoy sexual contact, but I don’t. Having the term asexual has been helpful for me at least in so much as understanding and knowing I am not the only person who feels this way. I think whenever people are experiencing something that seems different from the norm it is helpful to know that even if within a minority they are not completely alone.

Absolutely all of this. I’ve described it before as like a switch that simply never got flicked (excuse the pun). No “awakening” as they say.

OP posts:

Original poster

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 13:42

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/08/2023 13:06

Can’t speak for the OP, but for me I didn’t realise that when people talked about ‘fancying’ somebody they meant a sexual attraction which felt different to being drawn towards a friend, I didn’t realise that being ‘turned on’ meant having physiological changes in your body/ genitals, I didn’t realise that having eroogonous zones touched by someone sexually should feel good and different to having other areas of your body touched. I never really felt any pull towards specific men (or women), never wanted to kiss anybody or be touched, I only had sex for the fist time at 19 because I felt pressured by my friends to do it so I arranged to meet a man who I knew would sleep with me to get it out of the way, I didn’t feel attracted to him but I’d never felt attracted to anyone so i didn’t feel finding a man I was attracted to was important.

I’d heard that most people’s first time having sex was often unpleasant, so when mine was horrible I thought that was normal and I just needed to practise having sex more. When it continued to be unpleasant I just thought I needed to practise more and that eventually it would feel good. It never did. Now I know it never will for me, but I didn’t realise that at the time. I felt pressured by my friends and by society to have sex, to have a boyfriend etc, it wasn’t about marriage/ children, it was about wanting to be normal. Nobody had ever suggested that not wanting sex could be normal or that staying single was an option, yes I was aware of women who remained single all their lives, old spinsters who are seen as lesser and the point of ridiculE. Obviously at 19 I didn’t want to be like them, I wasn’t aware of anybody else my age who had chosen not to have sex (apart from some religious peers who were waiting until marriage, but even they talked of the difficulty of staying celibate when dating and temptation etc) or who didn’t want a boyfriend/ girlfriend so it didn’t occur to me that was a choice I could make or something I could articulate to others. Whilst staying celibate isn’t necessarilly something that would have been impossible it certainly wasn’t ever presented as a valid or normal choice, being a ‘spinster’ was definitely a position of ridicule and shame not something to feel any aspiration or pride towards.

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Every word of this describes my experiences growing up too! Solidarity 💐

OP posts:

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 22/08/2023 18:32

painful, violated, felt distressed also bored.

How I feel about sex.Interesting, I don't think I can be asexual but I have never desired being married and I have no real interest in being somebody's girl, I mean I have had crushes but I just don't see myself as being the relationship type. The desire for men is there but rare. It just isn't a part of my life, and I don't want children. I'm in my 40s.

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 22/08/2023 18:38

Forgive me if this has been answered before, haven't read the full thread. What made you decide to marry? Was it for companionship and/or children?

Do you regret ever having tried sex before or are you glad you had the chance to find out it wasn't your thing?

Hope these questions are ok!

LuckyPeonies · 22/08/2023 19:25

I think quite a few women veer into asexual territory after the menopause. For partnered women there is then a lot of pressure to “fix oneself” and start HRT just for low/no libido, even if other meno symptoms are mild or non-existent. Especially when one’s partner is still interested and capable.

Original poster

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 21:15

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 22/08/2023 18:38

Forgive me if this has been answered before, haven't read the full thread. What made you decide to marry? Was it for companionship and/or children?

Do you regret ever having tried sex before or are you glad you had the chance to find out it wasn't your thing?

Hope these questions are ok!

Hi yes all been answered- if you click to view just my replies you’ll find it all there ☺️

OP posts:

Original poster

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 21:20

LuckyPeonies · 22/08/2023 19:25

I think quite a few women veer into asexual territory after the menopause. For partnered women there is then a lot of pressure to “fix oneself” and start HRT just for low/no libido, even if other meno symptoms are mild or non-existent. Especially when one’s partner is still interested and capable.

Low or no libido due to menopause (or anything else) is just that: low/no libido. It is not the same as being asexual, which is a lifelong sexuality.

That said it’s a shame that meno women feel pressured to maintain the same sex drive they had as young women, in order to please men. Obviously if they miss sex and want to enjoy it again then by all means seek HRT etc!

OP posts:

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 22/08/2023 22:08

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 21:15

Hi yes all been answered- if you click to view just my replies you’ll find it all there ☺️

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Thanks. I didn't know there was a function that could do that in here! 😊

LuckyPeonies · 22/08/2023 22:19

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 21:20

Low or no libido due to menopause (or anything else) is just that: low/no libido. It is not the same as being asexual, which is a lifelong sexuality.

That said it’s a shame that meno women feel pressured to maintain the same sex drive they had as young women, in order to please men. Obviously if they miss sex and want to enjoy it again then by all means seek HRT etc!

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Oh, I agree, I was not trying to imply it is the same at all. Just that the pressure to “be normal” and “do something about it” seems similar. I also agree there is absolutely nothing wrong with HRT, as long as that is what the woman wants.

Pawpawpatrol · 22/08/2023 23:30

I am definitely not asexual, love me a bit of penis in-out-in-out when I'm in the mood, but I don't find the concept of asexuality hard to understand at all. Don't know why others are being so weird about it. As someone previously mentioned, literally everyone has experienced what it is like to be asexual - as prepubertal children. So it's not a difficult thing to imagine. It doesn't have to be imagined it can be remembered.

In other respects it's easy to understand if you just think about what your own sexuality isn't. If you for example are a man with no sexual interest in other men, the thought that you would allow another man to engage in sex with you out of duty, loyalty, a debt owed etc is abhorrent. No matter how great he was, how much he'd done for you, how much you liked or loved him, or how sexually unsatisfied he was. I really feel like noone would view "have sex with him anyway" as an option. They'd rightly view it as a violation. It's clearly the same for OP and her husband. His choices are to remain in the marriage without sex, pursue sex elsewhere or leave the marriage. No decent person willingly engages in a sexual encounter they know the other person finds violating. It simply isn't an option.

Its good that a label exists because it can help people to understand themselves, validate them in not choosing not to engage in unpleasant, violating or traumatic sexual experiences, and helps asexual people to find and date each other. It really is completely analogous with gayness in that respect.

No doubt some people experience fluidity in their asexuality (just as with other sexual orientations) whereas some will feel consistently asexual for life. Again, no one would say don't use the label gay in case you are ruling out potential heterosexual feelings in future - labels can be changed!

Sorry people are being so rude OP. Sorry you have had so many unpleasant experiences on your journey to understand your sexuality.

It's your husband I'm actually more curious about. I do wonder if he has a lower sexual drive than average. Or sex isn't that important to him relative to others. In my marriage, which is sexual, it would damage our connection to one another maybe if one of us just totally withdrew from sex but that doesn't seem to have been the case in your marriage. I guess it might be hard for you to gauge your husband's sexual drive because it's always going to have been infinitely greater than your own. Do you feel he is less sexual than other men you dated previously? Might not have been part of his appeal for you? Just curious. Obviously an extremely personal question no need to answer.

I would also remind you that no doubt your husband has had many other lovely things as a result of your marriage, not least of all your two children. He clearly prefers to remain in the marriage (and to stay with you and marry you despite what sound like, very little sex throughout your relationship). Just having the thought that it might not be "heartbreaking" as such. Does he really view it that way? Or is he actually a pretty happy chap?

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 23/08/2023 00:23

Charley50 · 22/08/2023 12:49

Thanks for a really interesting thread OP.
I don't think a flag for asexuality is necessary or that asexuals should feel oppressed in the way that gay men and lesbians actually are (you didn't say this, but I've seen it elsewhere). But your thread and life story shows that it is helpful for people to know that asexuality is a thing. And that choosing to be non-sexual is an option. You have been very gracious and explained your experience so well.

This.

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 23/08/2023 00:27

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2023 12:37

"Surely the recognition, or label, of asexuality must be a benefit, not because people want to be part of an asexual 'tribe', but because they can recognise their feelings before getting into situations like that of the OP and her husband."

Yes, for some people it can be beneficial.
However, I also think that labels can be restrictive. Just because you don't like some of the sex you have or you go through periods of not wanting to have sex does not mean you should define yourself like that forever. I have noticed that there is an asexual lobby online who try to recruit anyone who might fit their 'tribe' rather than encouraging people to seek help. You can see it in this thread where someone puts her friend in that category despite her friend having crushes and sexual feelings. I've even seen them trying to recruit dead people by re-defining celibate people or people whose sexuality was not fully explored as asexual.

instead of encouraging them to seek help Seek help for what? They don't see it as a problem to be fixed. Asexuality isn't a disorder.

AppletreesAndHoneybeesAndSnowWhiteTurtleDoves · 23/08/2023 00:37

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2023 11:41

Sorry must have missed it! From what I’ve read people can be asexual and aromantic, or just asexual and enjoy romance and experience romantic feelings towards people. I think it’s really interesting, I’m a lesbian so while I don’t completely understand I understand trying to force yourself to enjoy sex because that’s what’s normal and thinking if you do it enough or with the right person you will enjoy it. I ended up sleeping with a man before realising I was gay and it was a really uncomfortable and unpleasurable experience.

Not suggesting you are gay at all, but just that I understand not realising you’re asexual and having sex you don’t really want or enjoy because it’s what’s “normal”.

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@Asexualawakening @Elsiebear90 Can you be aromantic and not asexual though ? Pretty sure that's me. Uninterested in sex but am capable of desire, lust and attraction to someone, albeit very rarely. Do get crushes . But no desire to share my life with anyone . The thought of getting married or in a long term relationship makes me feel either suffocated or frightened or just plain bored! I just don't find the whole hooking with people interesting at all and as a teenager and young lady was very bemused by the peer pressure God gave boyfriends or girlfriends or hook up. Friendship yes, but I am satisfied with that.

This thread has been very illuminating. Thanks for sharing about this issue.

Original poster

Asexualawakening · 23/08/2023 11:31

Pawpawpatrol · 22/08/2023 23:30

I am definitely not asexual, love me a bit of penis in-out-in-out when I'm in the mood, but I don't find the concept of asexuality hard to understand at all. Don't know why others are being so weird about it. As someone previously mentioned, literally everyone has experienced what it is like to be asexual - as prepubertal children. So it's not a difficult thing to imagine. It doesn't have to be imagined it can be remembered.

In other respects it's easy to understand if you just think about what your own sexuality isn't. If you for example are a man with no sexual interest in other men, the thought that you would allow another man to engage in sex with you out of duty, loyalty, a debt owed etc is abhorrent. No matter how great he was, how much he'd done for you, how much you liked or loved him, or how sexually unsatisfied he was. I really feel like noone would view "have sex with him anyway" as an option. They'd rightly view it as a violation. It's clearly the same for OP and her husband. His choices are to remain in the marriage without sex, pursue sex elsewhere or leave the marriage. No decent person willingly engages in a sexual encounter they know the other person finds violating. It simply isn't an option.

Its good that a label exists because it can help people to understand themselves, validate them in not choosing not to engage in unpleasant, violating or traumatic sexual experiences, and helps asexual people to find and date each other. It really is completely analogous with gayness in that respect.

No doubt some people experience fluidity in their asexuality (just as with other sexual orientations) whereas some will feel consistently asexual for life. Again, no one would say don't use the label gay in case you are ruling out potential heterosexual feelings in future - labels can be changed!

Sorry people are being so rude OP. Sorry you have had so many unpleasant experiences on your journey to understand your sexuality.

It's your husband I'm actually more curious about. I do wonder if he has a lower sexual drive than average. Or sex isn't that important to him relative to others. In my marriage, which is sexual, it would damage our connection to one another maybe if one of us just totally withdrew from sex but that doesn't seem to have been the case in your marriage. I guess it might be hard for you to gauge your husband's sexual drive because it's always going to have been infinitely greater than your own. Do you feel he is less sexual than other men you dated previously? Might not have been part of his appeal for you? Just curious. Obviously an extremely personal question no need to answer.

I would also remind you that no doubt your husband has had many other lovely things as a result of your marriage, not least of all your two children. He clearly prefers to remain in the marriage (and to stay with you and marry you despite what sound like, very little sex throughout your relationship). Just having the thought that it might not be "heartbreaking" as such. Does he really view it that way? Or is he actually a pretty happy chap?

Thank you so much for this post - the analogy regarding a straight man allowing another man to have sex with him is spot on.

My DH… he always had a “normal” sex drive. Would have sex every day if the opportunity arose. We met young - v early 20s - so at his peak I imagine. My low sex drive was always an issue, hence the joint sex therapy in our mid 20s (before marriage), and I know he sometimes felt reluctant to get engaged due to that. He always hoped that I’d get fixed and suddenly have a libido. He was excited to TTC after the wedding as he thought it would guarantee a few months of regular sex… but we conceived on honeymoon. It’s still a bit of an inside joke (if you don’t laugh you’ll cry).

Over the years the pattern of him
initiating and me turning him down - with occasional yeses - made us both feel like shit. Him for being rejected, although I was as gentle and apologetic as possible, and me racked with guilt for not being able to do it for him. It did a number on his self esteem, even though I tried to explain that it’s not him personally, I just cannot have sex. Eventually when it did happen he was unable to fully enjoy or finish. He probably was aware that I was doing it for his sake and as a decent human being he was not into one-sided sex.

Then I had my realisation, and we had The Conversation where I explained and apologised that I cannot have sex again - not with him or anyone else - and gave him all the options I could think of.

So to answer your question- he did have a normal, healthy sex drive but it has been beaten out of him over the years. This is my heartbreak and regret, as he is amazing and deserves a full and happy life.

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 23/08/2023 13:41

"instead of encouraging them to seek helpSeek help for what? They don't see it as a problem to be fixed. Asexuality isn't a disorder."

As mentioned, there is very little science about it. We do not have any evidence that it is an 'orientation' like being gay, which is what the asexual lobby tries to portray.
Absence of desire may well be a dysfunction for some people.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/08/2023 13:42

"Uninterested in sex but am capable of desire, lust and attraction to someone, albeit very rarely. Do get crushes . But no desire to share my life with anyone . The thought of getting married or in a long term relationship makes me feel either suffocated or frightened or just plain bored"

Sounds like issues with intimacy or commitment.

Idontpostmuch · 23/08/2023 17:16

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 00:38

Yes. It has been very painful in the past.
Lube was my friend. Even with it, it doesn’t feel “good”. Feels as arousing as it would if someone was rhythmically shoving a rolling pin in your armpit lol

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@Asexualawakening Not feeling anything with penetration isn't to do with being asexual. It's just physiological. Most women (80%) can't orgasm through penetration. Some still have a lot of sensation, some a little, and some none at all. It depends on the exact positioning of external part of clitoris in relation to vagina, as well as the exact positioning of the internal part and how near the surface of the vagina it is. As for clitoral orgasms, which most women can achieve, if they're not powerful, then of course you're going to say 'so what' to sex. There's a world of difference between experiencing no sexual attraction, and just not being bothered about sex. Only you can tell, but IMO the definition of asexuality has become far too wide. You enjoy cuddling DH (naked?) and sleep entwined. Also, there must be some attraction since you could climax during oral with him. Doesn't really sound like asexuality. Over the years only two of my friends have said they think sex is all it's cracked up to be, four saying they wouldn't miss it. None of these four would have described themselves as asexual. However, you don't seem to have experienced closeness that comes with penetration, and that's probably an indication of being asexual. Best not to label yourself. Just enjoy life with your DH.

Original poster

Asexualawakening · 23/08/2023 17:28

Idontpostmuch · 23/08/2023 17:16

@Asexualawakening Not feeling anything with penetration isn't to do with being asexual. It's just physiological. Most women (80%) can't orgasm through penetration. Some still have a lot of sensation, some a little, and some none at all. It depends on the exact positioning of external part of clitoris in relation to vagina, as well as the exact positioning of the internal part and how near the surface of the vagina it is. As for clitoral orgasms, which most women can achieve, if they're not powerful, then of course you're going to say 'so what' to sex. There's a world of difference between experiencing no sexual attraction, and just not being bothered about sex. Only you can tell, but IMO the definition of asexuality has become far too wide. You enjoy cuddling DH (naked?) and sleep entwined. Also, there must be some attraction since you could climax during oral with him. Doesn't really sound like asexuality. Over the years only two of my friends have said they think sex is all it's cracked up to be, four saying they wouldn't miss it. None of these four would have described themselves as asexual. However, you don't seem to have experienced closeness that comes with penetration, and that's probably an indication of being asexual. Best not to label yourself. Just enjoy life with your DH.

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Thank you for your opinion and advice (which I didn’t ask for). You’re also wrong / uninformed.

I am asexual. I have never felt sexual urges either physically or mentally, I have never felt horny or turned on by anything in any way. I experience no sexual attraction to any kind of person and never have. I no longer do anything naked with DH and don’t want to, (never did want to), cuddling is clothed.

I’m happy to answer any questions, given this is AMA.

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WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo · 23/08/2023 17:36

I don't know much about this kind of thing but I don't see why it's hard to understand why some people may not desire sex. We aren't all the same. I can understand why people may want to understand themselves better too.

I must admit it did puzzle me a bit having it added on to LGBT etc as there hasn't been any discrimination or oppression involved, but I guess it's about feeling different and wanting to come to terms with it not in western society which is based on a religion which follows a man who never married and who praised celibacy (as did one of his own apostles) and described some people as being born eunuchs (this pretty much makes me think Jesus was describing asexuals, it makes sense). However people seem to find it hard to understand the concept Of asexuality which could be difficult for those who are experiencing it. Not to mention we have a right to our lived experiences to frame them as we wish to.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/08/2023 18:56

I think some people are getting too hung up on the sex part of asexuality. Being asexual isn’t really about having sex or not having sex. It’s not about whether somebody enjoys penetrative sex or not enjoying penetrative sex. Its not about libido. It’s about sexual attraction. Asexual people don’t feel sexually attracted to anybody, male or female. They might be attracted to people in other ways, platonically or sometimes even somewhat romantically, but there is no sexual attraction. There is no ‘fancying’ or being ‘turned on’ by other people of either sex. It doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t enjoy things like cuddling, it doesn’t mean somebody can’t physically orgasm or even enjoy the physiological act of sex or other intimate acts, some asexual people enjoy masturbation. The key aspect of asexuality is not being sexually attracted to other people, just as people who are straight/ gay are only physically attracted to one sex people who are asexual are not physically attracted to either sex. Libido, sex drive, enjoyment of sex, ability to orgasm etc are to an extent a red herring, you can have a low libido and be straight/ gay/ bi or have a high sex drive and be asexual, the key factor is whether you are sexually attracted to other people.

WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo · 23/08/2023 19:02

@MolkosTeenageAngst I guess it's that bit that explains why it's considered an orientation.

Original poster

Asexualawakening · 23/08/2023 19:24

WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo · 23/08/2023 19:02

@MolkosTeenageAngst I guess it's that bit that explains why it's considered an orientation.

Yep, lightbulb moment, thank you @MolkosTeenageAngst very interesting

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Idontpostmuch · 23/08/2023 21:08

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2023 11:59

I see it as more of a spectrum from no interest, some interest and a lot of interest.
There are plenty of people who are celibate for years in between relationships (and sometimes in them!) who don't identify as being asexual so it's obviously not as important as food to many people.

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@Gwenhwyfar You make a good point. We're bombarded with sexual references, so we start thinking there's something wrong if we can take it or leave it. But in fact it's a spectrum and many people, especially women, don't think sex all that important. Way more than the 1 percent that's thought to be the proportion of asexual people. Perhaps if those who aren't much bothered would only be honest, then those further out on the spectrum and truly asexual, wouldn't feelnso isolated. Lots of non asexual people don't see sex as a big part of life.

WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo · 23/08/2023 21:21

Idontpostmuch · 23/08/2023 21:08

@Gwenhwyfar You make a good point. We're bombarded with sexual references, so we start thinking there's something wrong if we can take it or leave it. But in fact it's a spectrum and many people, especially women, don't think sex all that important. Way more than the 1 percent that's thought to be the proportion of asexual people. Perhaps if those who aren't much bothered would only be honest, then those further out on the spectrum and truly asexual, wouldn't feelnso isolated. Lots of non asexual people don't see sex as a big part of life.

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This is true @Idontpostmuch . I have spent much of my life wonder if what is wrong with me because I have never been that into boyfriends and sex. Am I broken? I just can take or leave it. I get attracted to people albeit very rarely but it doesn't really matter to me if I'm hooked up or not. Dating just doesn't matter to me.