Thank you for this thread. I am asexual too abut didn’t realise until a few years ago as it wasn’t something I had heard of. I have never masturbated but I used to think that was normal for women, I slept with a string of men in my late teens and early twenties thinking I just needed to keep having sex and would eventually learn not to hate it, I mostly slept with strangers because I felt like I must be doing it ‘wrong’ as it was always painful and unpleasant and so was too embarrassed to do it with anyone I might have to see again.
I did have a 2-year relationship in my early twenties, I regret it now but I used to sneak to the bathroom to apply lube before sex so he’d think I was turned on and would fake an orgasm every time, I was able to sustain that for about a year but then it got to the point I hated the sex and we would have big arguments because we had gone without it for too long, he would coerce me into it and I would cry throughout it which he would ignore and eventually it got to the point I couldn’t force it any more so we broke up. At this point I didn’t realise any of this wasn’t normal but was so touched out I was celibate for 5 years before loneliness and peer pressure/ embarrassment at being single made me decide I should try and get out there again, I found if I got drunk enough I could bear sex and had a short fling with someone where we would get drunk and have sex but then I was raped by a stranger whilst on holiday and that sort of gave me a reason in my head to feel justified to stop having sex and I thought other people would understand me being single for a while after that. It was sort of in this time I discovered asexuality and realised that it describes me, I have never been ‘turned on,’ never successfully masturbated, never had an orgasm, never enjoyed sex, never wanted sex, never looked at a person and wanted to see them naked or wanted to kiss them etc.
I’ve never really talked to anyone in real life about this, I don’t think asexuality is very common and I think most people don’t really believe it and just assume there is something wrong with me (as seen on this thread), I would love not to be this way and to have had a normal life, I would have liked to have a partner and children instead of feeling pathetic and lonely being eternally single and I know people often judge me, but I have realised that it isn’t possible to fake it when it’s not there and it’s not healthy to do so. I have a lot of mental health issues and I think a lot of the, stem from forcing myself into unpleasant sex.
Sorry, realise this is an ama but that was quite cathartic. To ask a question, do you feel that there have been any long-term effects on you from spending years think g you were sexual and forcing yourself into sex you didn’t want?