AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

[Asexualawakening]

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s!

Ask me anything………

Thanks for a really interesting thread OP.
I don't think a flag for asexuality is necessary or that asexuals should feel oppressed in the way that gay men and lesbians actually are (you didn't say this, but I've seen it elsewhere). But your thread and life story shows that it is helpful for people to know that asexuality is a thing. And that choosing to be non-sexual is an option. You have been very gracious and explained your experience so well.

"Had I realised as a teen that I could choose to be celibate I would have done but society did not allow that and conditioned me otherwise."

I don't quite get this. There have always (ok well at least this century and the last) been single and/or celibate people. Many of us have a maiden great aunt. Was it maybe that you yourself thought you wanted marriage and children or at least some companionship?

Homosexuality cannot be tested for with 100% success rate, there is a saliva test which is about 70% accurate I think. Does that mean you think the other 30% are lying and are really straight as they are only self-identifying as gay but the science suggest otherwise? Do you think lesbians don’t exist because there isn’t a scientific test? What is the scientific test to prove that straight people exist? Also, just because a scientific test doesn’t exist at this moment in time doesn’t mean that one couldn’t be developed with enough time and research - science isn’t finished, new theories and research and evidence is being developed all of the time. It may be that in years to come there is more scientific evidence for asexuality but that it’s an area which hasn’t had much time or money put into it yet. There is no scientific evidence to disprove it either, it’s just an area that hasn’t really been studied a great deal yet and as such there isn’t really any scientific data to make a decision in either way.

My Dd is asexual and I am glad that this is known to be a thing now, that she is comfortable with being asexual and does not feel pressured to be in a relationship.

I can quite believe that lack of awareness and pressure to conform when you were younger led to marriage and children. You won’t be the only one in this position and it sounds like you have had an open and honest discussion with your husband, who values you for who you are.

I don’t have a question. I just wanted to wish you well.

"Do you think lesbians don’t exist because there isn’t a scientific test? "

No, I think that women's sexuality is more complex.

"just because a scientific test doesn’t exist at this moment in time doesn’t mean that one couldn’t be developed with enough time and research"

I totally agree that it could, yes, but for the moment I think asexuality is a social construct and a reaction to current trends.

"Homosexuality cannot be tested for with 100% success rate, there is a saliva test which is about 70% accurate I think. "

I wasn't aware. I thought they could test men via their reaction to porn.

Interesting point. My personal experiences must have meant that I was unaware of celibacy. I don’t know why.

I do remember that as a teen girl in the 90s where I grew up everything from Mizz magazine to music videos to real life friends revolved around attracting boys, and sex. It was very much in your face that having sex is the goal, and is everyone’s goal. There is peer pressure. It’s made to seem like everyone is having sex (or at least wants it). I was a pretty girl and that meant I got sexual attention from men from about age 14 - being leered and beeped at by white van men, creepy uncles hugging too tight for too long, comments about my body etc. It’s not possible to fight against all of that when you don’t know you’re even allowed to fight against it!

I’d give anything to go back in time, and tell my teen self that I was not broken, I don’t have to do it, I do have a choice, and other people are celibate and happy.

@Asexualawakening Do you think that Asexuality should be under the LGB et al umbrella?

Thank you so much - got it in a nutshell!

All the best to your DD - more power to her! 💐

"My personal experiences must have meant that I was unaware of celibacy. I don’t know why."

Interesting. I knew some single, older people and I think assumed some of them were celibate, but in the 90s the older generation was born before the sexual revolution and no sex before marriage was common.

"I do remember that as a teen girl in the 90s where I grew up everything from Mizz magazine to music videos to real life friends revolved around attracting boys, and sex. It was very much in your face that having sex is the goal, and is everyone’s goal. There is peer pressure. It’s made to seem like everyone is having sex (or at least wants it)."

I read the same magazine and yes, there was an assumption that everyone had crushes at least.

"I was a pretty girl"

And this is where our experiences diverge! Yes, I think it would have been considered more strange for you to be single if you were pretty.

I also wish your DD well, but would also urge her to keep an open mind, especially if she is still young. We don't have to define ourselves for life!

Can’t speak for the OP, but for me I didn’t realise that when people talked about ‘fancying’ somebody they meant a sexual attraction which felt different to being drawn towards a friend, I didn’t realise that being ‘turned on’ meant having physiological changes in your body/ genitals, I didn’t realise that having eroogonous zones touched by someone sexually should feel good and different to having other areas of your body touched. I never really felt any pull towards specific men (or women), never wanted to kiss anybody or be touched, I only had sex for the fist time at 19 because I felt pressured by my friends to do it so I arranged to meet a man who I knew would sleep with me to get it out of the way, I didn’t feel attracted to him but I’d never felt attracted to anyone so i didn’t feel finding a man I was attracted to was important.

I’d heard that most people’s first time having sex was often unpleasant, so when mine was horrible I thought that was normal and I just needed to practise having sex more. When it continued to be unpleasant I just thought I needed to practise more and that eventually it would feel good. It never did. Now I know it never will for me, but I didn’t realise that at the time. I felt pressured by my friends and by society to have sex, to have a boyfriend etc, it wasn’t about marriage/ children, it was about wanting to be normal. Nobody had ever suggested that not wanting sex could be normal or that staying single was an option, yes I was aware of women who remained single all their lives, old spinsters who are seen as lesser and the point of ridiculE. Obviously at 19 I didn’t want to be like them, I wasn’t aware of anybody else my age who had chosen not to have sex (apart from some religious peers who were waiting until marriage, but even they talked of the difficulty of staying celibate when dating and temptation etc) or who didn’t want a boyfriend/ girlfriend so it didn’t occur to me that was a choice I could make or something I could articulate to others. Whilst staying celibate isn’t necessarilly something that would have been impossible it certainly wasn’t ever presented as a valid or normal choice, being a ‘spinster’ was definitely a position of ridicule and shame not something to feel any aspiration or pride towards.

First this:
There have always (ok well at least this century and the last) been single and/or celibate people. Many of us have a maiden great aunt.

Then this:
but for the moment I think asexuality is a social construct and a reaction to current trends

So which is it?
There have always been people not interested in sex or it's a modern thing?
Or are you saying the label asexual is new? Cause I got bad news for you if that's the case..

You're talking yourself I to knots because you personally don't believe in asexuality so you can't understand that it is a real thing and has been for a very very long time.

You're like a flat earther that says they've never seen the curve so it doesn't exist.

I feel like this but don’t consider myself asexual. About six years ago I decided I no longer wanted a sex life, luckily I was single at the time so no one had to deal with it. I haven’t missed sex or relationships at all. I used to be a very sexual person and I can still feel attraction but have no desire to pursue it.

Does asexual mean you never feel attraction or just don’t want sex?

But anywho I'm done with this thread.
It has highlighted the need for further highlighting of asexuality in society. Maybe then we won't be told to see the GP, that we're damaged, that 'i dont believe in asexuality so it isn't a thing etc.

I will leave this here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/
There are over 200000 of us discussing all things Asexuality... But of course, none of them really exist..

Ttfn.

Good question, one I have never thought about before. As I’ve mentioned in a previous reply, I am not attached to the label itself and I don’t see myself as part of some community or oppressed group. I don’t feel like it’s my “identity”. I don’t know what the ace flag looks like. I am not “out”, nobody IRL knows. It’s just quicker and easier to say, and sums up
my experience. I am just not sexual and never have been.

As for the LGBTQA+ question: I don’t follow “Ace” issues or groups, and whilst my specific situation can be loosely compared to a gay man staying closeted or not realising or accepting he is gay, and getting married, having children etc in order to comply with societal expectations- the outcome is similar for my DH as the gay man’s wife - I am not “queer”. My sexuality is passive, not active. I don’t need society to make space for me as fundamentally I want to do nothing!

I don’t think my opinion is relevant I suppose.

I wasn't referring to your post - but the ones from people saying it must be medical and to go and see a doctor/get medication.

@Asexualawakening Thanks, I understand completely.

You sound very measured and rather lovely. Not superior. Sex is a funny thing. I wish it were as easy for women as for men.

You’re not asexual, your are celibate by choice. Which is cool!

I’ve never felt attraction and have never wanted sex.

"First this:
There have always (ok well at least this century and the last) been single and/or celibate people. Many of us have a maiden great aunt.

Then this:
but for the moment I think asexuality is a social construct and a reaction to current trends

So which is it?"

Both. Being single and/or celibate does not in itself make someone asexual.

Thanks. Yes obviously it’s (voluntary) celibacy (forgot about celibacy lol).

Either way I am very happy to no longer have (or ever having again) a sex life.

It’s probably a lot more complicated though when you have a spouse or partner to consider. My ex was sex mad so I feel lucky to now be single and celibate.

"being a ‘spinster’ was definitely a position of ridicule and shame not something to feel any aspiration or pride towards."

That's really interesting. While I was aware of the negative connotations, mainly in the media (Celia from Home and Away was the main one, but more recently Bev Keane in Midnight Mass), this is not how I saw single women in my youth. I had a maiden great aunt who was a bit of a hero.
I once asked her how she was listed in the phone book as she didn't have a husband. My mother hushed me up, but I meant no disrespect by it because I didn't see being single as a bad thing.

"You're like a flat earther that says they've never seen the curve so it doesn't exist."

No because there is scientific evidence for a round earth.

This is a great thread op, really interesting. Well, aside from some very ignorant comments!

I realised I was on the asexual spectrum about 3 years ago. Haven’t dated/had sex since. It took me a long time to realise my low libido wasn’t because I was ill, or my hormones were weird or I was lazy (or whatever else is used to tell myself when I forced myself to have sex) and it was just that I didn’t like it or want it.

Haven’t missed it for a second, and I am so much happier not even having to think about sex anymore. Best thing I ever did.

I don’t believe that being single/ celibate and being asexual are synonymous, I think the significant part of asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others. Obviously you can be single/ celibate, whether through choice or circumstance, and still feel sexually attracted to others.

I think everyone would agree that babies/ young children don’t feel sexual desire, they don’t feel sexual attraction towards other people of either sex and obviously any physical contact of that nature would not feel good. Children might feel drawn towards specific people or even have little ‘crushes’ but it’s not sexual. At some point around or after puberty most people start to develop a new type of sexual attraction towards some other people (sometimes solely towards one sex, sometimes of both), at some point physical contact with genitals etc starts to feel particularly good, at some point there is a desire to engage in this physical contact with another person who they feel attracted to. This never happened with me. I do not feel any noticeably differently towards other people now than I did in infancy, I don’t experience any different/ pleasurable feelings when touching my body (or having someone else do it) than I did in infancy. I have never had an orgasm. That part of me has not developed. I don’t feel any different, sexually, than I have at any other point in my life from infancy to now. I don’t think that is the case for most people who identify as straight/ gay/ bisexual etc, that they feel no different towards people they are attracted to than they did in infancy.

The term asexual seems adequate to describe the above for me, if others don’t like the label or prefer a different term such as non-sexual or even dysfunctional that is fine, I don’t particularly desire a flag or a tribe or a label. I can’t really understand those saying that asexuality doesn’t exist, because I am living it and honestly, why would I lie about it? I would like nothing more than to feel sexual attraction and like/ enjoy sexual contact, but I don’t. Having the term asexual has been helpful for me at least in so much as understanding and knowing I am not the only person who feels this way. I think whenever people are experiencing something that seems different from the norm it is helpful to know that even if within a minority they are not completely alone.