AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

[Asexualawakening]

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s!

Ask me anything………

"Do you often share details of your sexual preferences with people?"

I think asexual people see it as an orientation rather than a preference, more about how they live their lives than what to do in bed. Sometimes it's impossible not to share those things with friends because friends often ask personal questions.

Yes she made a commitment to marriage, marriage involves sex. Not remotely comparable . Saying you don't want sec on Tuesday yea analogy works fine never having sex with your husband because you don't fancy it not it's painful I have had sexual trauma but simply yeah not into that no it's not ok.

Absolutely not a joke to me, which you would know if you read each of my replies.

It’s 2023. Nobody is entitled to sex. I do not owe anybody sex, or my body, not even my DH. I spent 20+ years having sex I didn’t want to keep other people happy. I am not prepared to do it anymore.

I don't think it's up to you to define your friend.
As mentioned, the definition asexual people usually give is not fancying anyone, which is not true of your friend. In fact, I'd say that people who have crushes usually have quite a strong libido. Sounds more like she has inhibitions or a fear of sex or that the autism means she doesn't want to touch people. How does she see herself?

(I think OP has already said she doesn't have romantic feelings and crushes).

Some marriages involve sex, not all, not anywhere near all. Ridiculous comment.

People get sick. People have accidents. People are together so long sex wanes. And a million other reasons why sex isn't a core component of a good marriage.

You are putting your own personal values and opinions onto me and my DH. Not cool, or relevant.

You have no idea what I committed to when I married, or how I view my vows etc.

Am not sure what the date had to do with anything. You made a commitment to a marriage that involves sex you are saying "lol" you don't care at all about your dh it's all about you.

That's why I wrote IF it is a problem. It clearly is for some people. For OP it's not, but it seems to be one for her husband.
It's similar for most sexual 'dysfunctions'. They are only problems if seen as a problem by the 'sufferer'.

If her DH had sex knowing she did not truly consent....

What would that make him?

Have you read all of my replies on this thread?

You sound very cross. I won’t be replying to you again as your posts centre around your own personal values which are irrelevant to me (and everyone else).

I am not dysfunctional.

"Why must every single human being be sexual?"

I didn't say that we must. I did say there is no scientific evidence for asexuality.

Why is impossible to accept that some are not, and are born that way?

It's possible, but not proven.

And why is it a problem to be fixed?

It isn't for you, but it IS for some people.

Is there “scientific” evidence of homosexuality?

YES!

I don’t need you (or scientists) to believe in me. I exist.

Yes, you exist as a person, but I am not obliged to believe in asexuality. I believe in your right to identify that way if you find it helpful.

Did you not see the quotation marks I used and also where I wrote that it IS a problem for some people?

That's why I wrote IF it is a problem. It clearly is for some people. For OP it's not.

I imagine that for a lot of asexual people, it is other people's attitude to it that makes it a problem. It certainly has been a problem for the OP, precisely because it is a problem for her dh. Surely the recognition, or label, of asexuality must be a benefit, not because people want to be part of an asexual 'tribe', but because they can recognise their feelings before getting into situations like that of the OP and her husband. In the same way as, hopefully, the recognition of, and decrease in stigmatising of homosexuality has reduced the number of gay people getting into straight marriages before discovering their sexuality.

I mean I'm not going to research this thoroughly because I don't care that much but there are many medical articles on asexuality and there is a summary: https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2020/5/8/five-things-science-has-taught-us-about-asexuality/

Not sure we can say there is no science evidence. Where did you find that research?

"Surely the recognition, or label, of asexuality must be a benefit, not because people want to be part of an asexual 'tribe', but because they can recognise their feelings before getting into situations like that of the OP and her husband."

Yes, for some people it can be beneficial.
However, I also think that labels can be restrictive. Just because you don't like some of the sex you have or you go through periods of not wanting to have sex does not mean you should define yourself like that forever. I have noticed that there is an asexual lobby online who try to recruit anyone who might fit their 'tribe' rather than encouraging people to seek help. You can see it in this thread where someone puts her friend in that category despite her friend having crushes and sexual feelings. I've even seen them trying to recruit dead people by re-defining celibate people or people whose sexuality was not fully explored as asexual.

The attitudes some posters are displaying on this thread are why I have never told anyone I am asexual, references to it not being normal, to being dysfunctional etc show what people really think of those of us who don’t enjoy sex. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment in relation to being asexual, I feel like an outsider, that I am broken and missing something intrinsical to being human. I don’t have a libido or desire sex physically, but there is psychological wish that I could enjoy it so that I wasn’t seen as lesser or broken in the eyes of people who do enjoy sex and are completely unable to see how an adult wouldn’t. I often feel inferior to other people and like I’m not a proper grown up because I don’t feel any more drawn to sex now than I did when I was a child, I haven’t ever developed any desires or crushes etc beyond those schoolgirl type feelings where maybe I was drawn to somebody and wanted to spend time with them, but have never desired anything physical. I feel stuck and pointless a lot of the time and it is difficult when you can’t really share any of these feelings with people because you know they will just think the same and that nobody can really understand, apart from perhaps those few other asexuals who feel the same.

but I am not obliged to believe in asexuality

So you don't believe there's any such thing as somebody having no sexual feelings unless it is caused by a problem (presumably psychological, hormonal or other medical issue). Is that right?

I'd be interested to know if you feel the same way about people having no desire to have children, which is arguably a 'natural human urge'.

"Not sure we can say there is no science evidence. Where did you find that research?"

I didn't keep copies, but the asexual groups themselves acknowledge it. Interestingly going from your own link took me to "How Do Scientists Measure Whether Someone Is Asexual" and it was all self-identification.
It's really not the same as for homosexuality, which can be tested for in a lab (at least in men).
If anything your link refutes the existence of asexuality as meaning no sexual desire/feelings.

I think wanting children is both a 'natural human urge' and also a conscious decision, at least in a society such as ours where children are often planned. Plenty of people have the urge (subconsciously) - that's what sexual desire is really, but have made a conscious decision not to procreate.

OK so forget the label - I am not attached to it and I am not part of any “community”.

I don’t want to have sex with anyone, ever, and never have. I do not feel lust, my loins have never burned, I have never experienced “fanny flutters”. I am not a sexual being and never have been. Saying “I am asexual” is quicker.

I am an individual human being. My lack of sexuality does me absolutely no harm. It is not a problem or dysfunction in and of itself.

The situation my DH is in now is heartbreaking and is of course a problem. Had I realised as a teen that I could choose to be celibate I would have done but society did not allow that and conditioned me otherwise. The fact we are in this predicament doesn’t mean I should be pathologised based on how it affects another person! It is an unfortunate series of events, decisions and actions each made in good faith at the time.

"what people really think of those of us who don’t enjoy sex. "

I don't enjoy it much myself, so I hope you're not including me in the people who have these 'attitudes' you mention.

Perhaps I'm missing something but surely homosexuals would need to self-identify first too in research?

From the article "Research has found that some of the same biological factors correlated with homosexuality are also correlated with asexuality (e.g., higher odds of being left-handed and, at least for men, being a later-born child). This suggests that there may be a complex series of biological factors that contribute to the emergence of an asexual orientation. "

Tbh, @Gwenhwyfar most adults aren’t interested in others’ sexuality, just their own. I have no idea about my family members or close friends, for example. I do know that some are gay due to their choice of partner, but that’s it. If they’re single, I have no idea why.

Please don’t feel awkward about being asexual, no one who cares about you will be judging.

I feel for both you and your Dh. How old are you and your DH, if I may ask, and when did you stop having sex with your DH?