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Original poster

AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

245 replies

Asexualawakening · 21/08/2023 20:28

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s!

Ask me anything………

OP posts:
Original poster
Asexualawakening · 21/08/2023 23:33

miseby · 21/08/2023 21:14

@KnightonShiningArmour Asexual means no sexual feeling

@Asexualawakening

I am too (or at least on the spectrum). I have been dying to ask someone who is to compare as I feel so confused.

Do you enjoy kissing and cuddling?
Do you enjoy anything sexual?
Can you get turned on by anything?
Do you have any trauma that could have triggered it? (I'm hoping this isn't too personal a question. I do and I'm wondering if this plays a part)
Has this evolved over the years or has it always been the case?

Do you enjoy kissing and cuddling?
Kissing, no. Cuddling, yes.

Do you enjoy anything sexual?
Nope.

Can you get turned on by anything?
Nope.

Do you have any trauma that could have triggered it? (I'm hoping this isn't too personal a question. I do and I'm wondering if this plays a part)
Possibly, but more aware of trauma happening to someone else, perhaps at a formative age (8-11). Nothing happened to me as a child though.

Has this evolved over the years or has it always been the case?
Always.

I’d be happy to chat privately if you’d like to - we don’t meet other aces often hey!

OP posts:
SleeplessInCity · 21/08/2023 23:49

Asexualawakening · 21/08/2023 23:16

I wouldn’t say just roommates, no. We sleep together, legs entwined. We hold hands and laugh and compliment each other. We are more than friends. We just don’t have sex.

I am repulsed by the idea of “the acts”, yes. Because it’s smelly, tiring, and I get absolutely nothing from it.

I spent 20 years doing it with my partners and then DH as I believed that was normal and expected. Then I realised asexuality is a real thing and I don’t have to keep subjecting myself to an activity that I actively dislike (at best) if I don’t want to. I owe sex to nobody.

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Smelly and tiring?
I completely get it’s your choice to have sex or not, just seems an odd way of looking at it

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 21/08/2023 23:52

Asexualawakening · 21/08/2023 23:24

Difficult to say as I have never known it so don’t know what I am missing, and as a sexual “outsider” I see all the pain that sexual urges make humans cause each other!

But I suppose if I met a genie in a bottle I would probably request a sex drive for my DH’s sake (not mine)

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That's interesting. I've got a very low libido and find it quite difficult to become properly aroused. I find it very frustrating as I know that I enjoy it when I do manage it - I just rarely manage it! I suppose if I never got anything out of it but had a partner then, like you, I might still want a higher libido for their sake.

greyhairnomore · 21/08/2023 23:53

I feel like exactly the same , but have never told my partner.

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 21/08/2023 23:59

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 21/08/2023 23:52

That's interesting. I've got a very low libido and find it quite difficult to become properly aroused. I find it very frustrating as I know that I enjoy it when I do manage it - I just rarely manage it! I suppose if I never got anything out of it but had a partner then, like you, I might still want a higher libido for their sake.

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If I was single, or ever become single, I would never think about sex again. It would just never cross my mind.

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pippieham123 · 22/08/2023 00:13

Do you feel uncomfortable/grossed out when watching a sex scene on tv?

PurpleMonkeys · 22/08/2023 00:18

You're not alone OP.

I once had to try and explain how I feel to someone.

I simply said,
"You fancy men right? But you don't fancy women? So, how you feel about women is how I feel about both."

🤣

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 00:28

pippieham123 · 22/08/2023 00:13

Do you feel uncomfortable/grossed out when watching a sex scene on tv?

Nope. I feel exactly the same as when I watch lions or frogs humping on a nature documentary. It all looks the same to me - primal humping, penis in and out.

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Namechange77427 · 22/08/2023 00:29

Interesting thread.

I feel quite similar but I am under 25 and don’t have children. I have been with my partner 5 years and we do have sex but if he didn’t initiate it I doubt I would ever have it again and I wouldn’t miss it.

it can sometimes feel nice but I don’t climax. It feels like there’s a wall stopping me. I have sensory issues as I am autistic. I form very strong romantic connections and I feel like I enjoyed kissing when I was younger but I don’t now.

I do enjoy cuddling and other physical contact. I was raped at 18 and never received any help to overcome it so I think it may be linked.

I am not repulsed by sex like you are but I would often prefer to do other things. I enjoy pleasing my partner as I see it in the same light as baking him a cake or washing his car for him. He knows I have a low sex drive but I don’t know if he knows exactly how I feel about it.

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 00:30

PurpleMonkeys · 22/08/2023 00:18

You're not alone OP.

I once had to try and explain how I feel to someone.

I simply said,
"You fancy men right? But you don't fancy women? So, how you feel about women is how I feel about both."

🤣

Bingo!

I am a bisexual asexual! Nobody makes me horny!

If I was a man, I would never ever get an erection. It’s as simple as that.

OP posts:
WanderinStar · 22/08/2023 00:31

But you say you have had orgasms. That means you were sexual then. What do you make of that?

Slytherfish · 22/08/2023 00:33

How do the physical mechanics of it work when you’ve had sex in the past? If you’re not turned on isn’t it extremely painful?

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 00:35

WanderinStar · 22/08/2023 00:31

But you say you have had orgasms. That means you were sexual then. What do you make of that?

good question. It’s a physiological response to physical stimulus, like a purely biological process. I don’t feel aroused beforehand, and I don’t crave it either.

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Youdontsay87 · 22/08/2023 00:36

I have to assume that your husband is also not very sexual either because most men enjoy it when a women expresses a sexual desire towards them. I imagine you've never really expressed this to him, yet he still married you.
How would you feel emotionally if he had sex with some else? How would you feel if he paid for sex?

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 00:38

Slytherfish · 22/08/2023 00:33

How do the physical mechanics of it work when you’ve had sex in the past? If you’re not turned on isn’t it extremely painful?

Yes. It has been very painful in the past.
Lube was my friend. Even with it, it doesn’t feel “good”. Feels as arousing as it would if someone was rhythmically shoving a rolling pin in your armpit lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 00:39

Youdontsay87 · 22/08/2023 00:36

I have to assume that your husband is also not very sexual either because most men enjoy it when a women expresses a sexual desire towards them. I imagine you've never really expressed this to him, yet he still married you.
How would you feel emotionally if he had sex with some else? How would you feel if he paid for sex?

He is sexual. Please read my previous replies which I hope answer your questions.

He married me because he loves me and everything else in our relationship is ideal.

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Youdontsay87 · 22/08/2023 00:42

I understand he loves you. But love takes time to build. Without the initial stages of lust, sexual chemistry, desire etc most normal relationships wouldn't last to the point of marriage, it would fizzle out and end within a year at least.
This is why I'm pretty sure your husband isn't as sexually driven as the average person.

HamBone · 22/08/2023 00:45

If your DH meets a sexual partner, would you feel jealous or be content continuing your relationship as it is?
Or would you want to end your relationship and move on?

I suppose I’m assuming that you don’t experience sexual jealousy as you aren’t interested in sex at all (correct me if I’ve got this wrong).

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 22/08/2023 00:50

How did the decision to have children come about? Was trying to conceive very clinical?

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 01:01

I appreciate it can be hard to understand for some people.

Perhaps it would help to replace “asexual” with “gay”. So, in my 30s I realised I am gay. I was conditioned by society to be straight, to be attractive to boys, to have straight sex with my boyfriends, to marry someone I love and have sex with them… all the time either not wanting to or not enjoying it. Being gay is not a medical problem that needs fixing, it’s not a hormone imbalance, it’s not possible to convert a gay person to straight (although society has tried, sadly). A gay man will never be aroused by a woman. A straight man will never want to put his penis in a man. An asexual simply wants neither. It’s not a choice.

My sexuality is Asexual. It is just as real and valid. I am not ill, broken, defective or disordered. It does me no harm.

I regret that I didn’t realise until recently and that my wonderful DH has had to choose - and he does have a choice - between this marriage/ life and having sex with someone. I can’t do anything about that because I spent 25 years having sex that I did not want and I have taken my body back. It belongs to me.

OP posts:
HamBone · 22/08/2023 01:07

and he does have a choice - between this marriage/ life and having sex with someone.

So if he has a sexual relationship with someone else, you’d end the marriage?

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 01:10

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 22/08/2023 00:50

How did the decision to have children come about? Was trying to conceive very clinical?

Sex has always been clinical for me, internally. I became a decent actor. DS1 was conceived on honeymoon, first try, and DS2 was unplanned and was one sexual encounter with years either side. I suppose I got lucky.

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Youdontsay87 · 22/08/2023 01:11

I think we all understand that you can't change the fact you're Asexual and nobody expect you to either. So there's no need to defend that part.
I think people are more interested in how you would feel if your husband wanted a sexual relationship outside the marriage would you be okay with that? Or would you end the marriage?

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 01:13

HamBone · 22/08/2023 01:07

and he does have a choice - between this marriage/ life and having sex with someone.

So if he has a sexual relationship with someone else, you’d end the marriage?

No i mean this marriage as it is now, or we change the boundaries. The choice would be his. I’d tolerate it with grace for the sake of the relationship as a whole, as he is the best man I’ve ever known.

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Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 01:17

Youdontsay87 · 22/08/2023 01:11

I think we all understand that you can't change the fact you're Asexual and nobody expect you to either. So there's no need to defend that part.
I think people are more interested in how you would feel if your husband wanted a sexual relationship outside the marriage would you be okay with that? Or would you end the marriage?

I’d tolerate it with grace for the sake of the relationship as a whole, as he is the best man I’ve ever known. I don’t get jealous. If he did I wouldn’t blame him, and he knows that.

It just feels like a moot point as he would never go outside the marriage, even if I told him to! It’s just not in his nature.

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