AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

[Asexualawakening]

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s!

Ask me anything………

@Gwenhwyfar My Great Aunt, who died in 1998, would have been 22 when WWII broke out. She remained single, perhaps because of the shortage of young men. Her sister, my grandmother, was already married, but her husband didn't come back. There must have been a lot of spinsters and widows around then.

I am very sorry for your experience, it sounds awful and I mean that. I would however still maintain that you, if you wanted to be in a relationship, need help. I have no problem with someone that chooses to be celibate and single. I have a problem with someone who made marriage vows and then retracts some of what normal people expect in a marriage. ( don't tell me that 'no one vowed to always have sex" - I know that, yet sex is a normal part of marriage). If you wanted to stay with your boyfriend I would suggest counseling and therapy to heal past trauma or whatever it is that is making you have such a visceral negative reaction to sexual contact. I am not being trite or rude, that is merely what I believe. Again, I am sorry for your lived experience

I’m also asexual.
Most of my lufe I felt broken and crying ’why me’?
Personally, I could never have sex, so sadly I’ve never been in a relationship/ experienced love.
It’s awful when you feel romanric attraction and want a relationship and love, but the price of admission is sex.

And it doesn’t help that being single, and virgin, are huge taboos.

I still get asked why I’m single (I’m not out as an ace to anyone) and get told I’m too picky/demanding (when I’m not even the one turning people down, they turn me down when I tell them I like them and have a crush on them, but I don’t do sex).

It is weird to go through life as an asexual.
Wondering why I’m not worthy of love.
Sometimes I do wish people didn’t have such rigid parameters on how relationships should be.
And tbh, not that I’m disparaging op/others, but I don’t understand how asexuals can have sex/call themselve asexuals if they do.
I used to be in asexual sites, but they became so inclusive that they pushed actual asexual out.
Now, anyone who doesn’t want to fuck randoms are on a ’asexual spectum’ and that damages actual asexuals.
I was told that I’m ’just celibate’ because I don’t want sex by few of them.
So I left that site.

@HeartInMyHand Yes, that AVEN site can be terribly damaging. There's a lot of wrong information out there about asexuality. Anyone who thought for a moment about the definition given would see that it's full of contradictions, twisted to include anyone who isn't a raging nymphomaniac, and anyone who wants to have sex for any reason other than their rigid definition of what constitutes 'sexual desire'. Two words that can mean different things to different people. It must make truly asexual people feel very isolated. One brave person who dared to challenge people on that site was hounded off for being 'aphobic'.

Please don't give up on love. I think it would do you good to read a Guardian article from some time ago. If you google Brian, Alison, cuddly, sexless marriage it should bring it up. There you'll find a lovely story about a couple who, after marrying, found they weren't bothered about sex. It's a lovely romantic love story.

Best not to declare yourself asexual to prospective romantic partners. It's an extreme word to use. Instead, just take things slowly. Don't think about sex, just about getting to know someone and seeing if there's romance there. Not everyone wants to have sex immediately, and any man who pressurises you isn't worth it. We're all conditioned to believe all men want sex all the time, but it isn't true. You've become scared of sex, seeing it as the price of admission. That's been done to you because we all have sex shoved in our faces all the time.

If you can stop seeing it as something everyone's crazy about and that you don't 'get', then it won't have such power over you, and it won't seem like a huge part of a relationship. The only thing AVEN get right is that we are on a spectrum, and finding someone not too far away from you on the spectrum isn't impossible.

How cruel those people are, asking why you're single. I don't think any of my single friends have been asked.

The only people I think of as being truly asexual are the so called aromantics. I once watched a you tube video where the interviewer tried to explain romance, and she just didn't get it. To my mind, romance is in itself sexual - holding hands, looking at sunsets are things you wouldn't do without at least a little attraction.

I hope you find happiness, of whatever kind. Lots of love.

@Actually, @Gwenhwyfar , whatever you say, some people on this thread seem to be determined to twist your words. You've never denied the existence of asexuality, you simply don't swallow unthinkingly everything that's out there about it.

You missed the point of asexuality @Idontpostmuch it’s not something one ’declares’ or choose to be or say they are.
It just is.
Would you say to a lesbian it’s better not declare to be a lesbian, you might be attracted to man one day, don’t be scared of men.

I’ve been ace my whole teenage/adulthood, there is no ’right man/person’ or waiting.

Sex is not something I’ll ever want to do.
So, I will be honest if I like and have a crush on someone or when/if I get asked out again.

The only thing AVEN get right is that we are on a spectrum
Not sure who you mean by ’we’, but I actually dislike aven/most of the other ace sites, because of insisting that asexuality is a spectrum. It’s not.
You either never feel sexual attraction (and that’s different from romantic attraction - so you don’t have to be aromantic to be asexual) or you do or have felt sexual attraction and that makes you an allo (person who feels sexual attraction).

@HeartInMyHand Quite simple. By 'we' I mean all of humanity. But I don't accept AVEN's view that asexuals are on a spectrum, though definitely there's a huge amount of variation as to how sexual sexuals are. Asexuals are right at the end of the spectrum, and are a tiny minority. I haven't missed the point of asexuality. On the contrary I've read about it widely. I simply disagree with a lot of the information out there about it. It makes no sense. Even a quick look at one of these sites shows that under the asexual umbrella they include so many different types of people that it must cover a substantial chunk of the population, yet they claim it's only 1%. Basic arithmetic highlights the flaw here. They also include so called demisexuals. Why do we need a term for something that's natural to so many women? The cliché is that women need to be close to someone to want to have sex, but men need to have sex in order to feel close. Of course that won't apply to all women/men, but there must be something in it. I wish you luck with finding an asexual partner, and urge you to look for the article I suggested because you'll see it's not impossible. Or, just enjoy being single. I have a single friend who's very happy. Coupledom isn't everything. As I said, I think it's terrible that people have made remarks about you being single.

TBH OP before reading this thread I too was of the opinion of some on here that "asexuals don't experience prejudice" but I've changed my mind! You and others have been called everything on this thread from abnormal, ill, needing help... But then also repeatedly told asexuality isn't a thing, and that you're just being selfish and should put up with sex you don't want because marriage is sacred. Really interesting thread OP. I'm glad you stuck with it and I wish you the best.

"Would you say to a lesbian it’s better not declare to be a lesbian, you might be attracted to man one day, don’t be scared of men."

I think a lot of young people do see sexuality as fluid like that actually.

Both my sons (both straight) tell me that sexuality is a lot more fluid than we once thought. The advice now given to young people questioning their sexuality is to remain open minded and to avoid slapping on a label for life. Similar advice is included on asexuality when the publication is intended for young people who don't experience sexual attraction. They're advised to embrace their asexuality for now, but warned against letting it define them forever.

But to answer the original question now, since I ran out of time earlier: No, of course I wouldn't say that to a lesbian because lesbians are happy being lesbians, and they have every chance of finding love. Everything I said to @HeartInMyHand was because she's unhappy and says things like 'why me'.

I have the same problem. I feel romantic attraction but not sexual attraction really. But it’s very complex in my case. I have a lot of fear related to sex, because it frequently leads to pain. Either thrush or a UTI, or split skin, or just soreness. Other people’s sexual desire for me has led to rape and abuse, and to STIs which caused me significant pain. My fear of pain is stronger than any sexual desire, it’s just not worth the hassle.

The last time DH convinced me to have sex it resulted in nearly a month of pain, three trips to the doctor, swabs which I found very invasive and upsetting, a lot of panic and fear, and £50 wasted on medication to fix a bad dose of thrush. I’ve refused sex ever since because I don’t want a repeat. I suppose he might leave me eventually, but divorce will be more bearable than constantly forcing myself to have sex and going through that sort of pain and hassle.

Op, you said in an earlier post if you could make a wish for sexual feelings you would do so for your husband. Have you tried using a vibrator or sex toy on yourself on a regular basis? What if you gave yourself an orgasam everyday for a fortnight, do you think that would make any difference to you?

Not a dildo, just a clitoral stimulator.

No judgement from me, but you have mentioned trying a few things to change the way you feel (therapy etc) and you feel bad for your dh so maybe just an experiment?

When I was growing up, my maiden great aunts never married because there was a lack of suitable men their age after the war.

OP I'm struck by what I perceive as the very idealised way you describe your relationship with your husband vs. what I would see as big signs of trouble early on, with sex therapy and his reluctance to get engaged. How do you think your husband would describe your marriage? And do you think his attitude to the situation will change in the coming years and decades?

The point is that I don’t want to have sex with another person. No amount of solo orgasms will make me suddenly desire a person and want them to get involved, touch me, want me to touch them etc.

I do not want to have sex.

I see how it could come across idealised - my point is that other than my lack of sex drive, which we thought / hoped could be “fixed”, our relationship has always been brilliant in every aspect. That is the very reason we stayed together. We’ve had a lot of unrelated challenges to overcome over the years (illnesses, disabled DC, etc) and we have always been a good team and overcome them, and come out stronger.

My lack of sex drive is the only fly in the ointment. I have no idea if he’ll change once the DC are older and want out - if he ever does I would work with him to figure out the best solution for everyone.

Thanks, I appreciate your time and honesty 😊

I wasn't trying to be offensive, this is ama. Just you say you have no sexual desire/no sex drive/never get horny. I suppose my thoughts were if you were to give yourself an orgasm regularly, even if you didn't have the desire, might your body start reacting if you were to do this over some time. Maybe it would be that you did start to feel more drive, which wouldn't necessarily mean you wanted (piv) sex but maybe you would or some other type of sexual intimacy.

I wouldn't have asked the question but some of your earlier responses did indicate you would change things for the sake of your husband if you could.

I’m not offended, just answering directly. I understand why you asked.

Im trying to explain that even if I wanted to orgasm every day, or if I got “fanny flutters” every day, I still would not want another human being involved.

It helps if you change my sexuality to gay. No amount of trying to fancy men using masterbation (or any other method) would make a lesbian want to have sex with a man. And nor should she ever have to. It’s exactly the same for me, except I don’t fancy anyone, never have and never will. I react to the idea of sex with anyone, the same way straight men do to sex with other men, or gay men do to women (or any other combination that does not match). Nobody would suggest to a married man who had finally accepted he was gay, to try harder to fancy his wife.

Does it make sense when you think of it that way?

Sort of, I'm glad you see I wasn't trying to offend.

I think where it's confusing is that some of your posts make it sound as if you have no sexual feelings and some posts you seem repulsed, likening the thought of having sex with anyone to the way a straight man might feel about having sex with another man. Asexuality from what I understood was more of an absence of feeling rather than disgust. Do you think you feel more strongly because you spent so many years having sex and if you hadn't pushed yourself you may feel more neutral?

You could be right in terms of feeling more strongly as I’ve got older - I have resentment that I spent half my life subjecting myself to something intimate that I never wanted to be doing. I want to take my body back and not give it to anyone else again. So yeah there is an element of that for me personally.

But I have always been indifferent.

Your understanding of asexuality is quite rigid and narrow. As long as the drive / desire has never been there, then that person can say they are asexual. All the reasons can be analysed, some are more repulsed than others, but all are asexual. Adding the ‘a’ just means the opposite of sexual. Which is what I am, always have been and always will be.