Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

245 replies

Asexualawakening · 21/08/2023 20:28

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s!

Ask me anything………

OP posts:
CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 08:41

@Asexualawakening Give him the option to leave. It's only fair on him.
As I said earlier, my libido fell off a cliff when I hit menopause, so I took steps to address it and get it back on track rather than condemning both my husband and myself to celibacy for the rest of our life.

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 08:42

MrsMorrisey · 22/08/2023 03:44

It’s a sacrifice I would make, for him, but he would not entertain the idea in a million years.

A sacrifice you would make..... you sound very selfish

What do you suggest I do? He is adamant he wants to stay married and monogamous, and I cannot have sex again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 08:46

TookTheBook · 22/08/2023 07:45

There's always an air of superiority on these threads by so called asexuals - "oh how disgusting, you like smelly yucky sex, can't believe how primitive your urges are"

I definitely don’t feel superior- it’s not my choice to be like this. I’m baffled, not superior.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 08:52

CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 08:41

@Asexualawakening Give him the option to leave. It's only fair on him.
As I said earlier, my libido fell off a cliff when I hit menopause, so I took steps to address it and get it back on track rather than condemning both my husband and myself to celibacy for the rest of our life.

I did give him the option, five years ago - as I have already explained. He refused to consider any alternative arrangement or to leave, he loves me and our family unit, and I love him back. It is heartbreaking but I don’t know what else to suggest.

OP posts:
CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 08:57

Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 08:40

I’ve never faked it with my DH, only with previous partners.

Show quote history

So then if you've never faked it with your husband, then you've either been laying there thinking of England, in which case, poor bloke, or you've enjoyed it. Which is it?

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 09:04

CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 08:57

So then if you've never faked it with your husband, then you've either been laying there thinking of England, in which case, poor bloke, or you've enjoyed it. Which is it?

Show quote history

I was an active participant physically, you’d not know I wasn’t into it. Not over the top, and definitely not laying there like a sack of spuds either. You need to appreciate that I didn’t know any different and we met young, I never chose to be like this, I have tried to “fix” myself, I care about my DH and his feelings deeply, and I hate that he is in this position now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 09:11

Hambokki · 22/08/2023 04:10

If you weren’t married to your husband, would you like to have a significant other with whom you were not sexually intimate? Would you prefer to be single or married (but without sex of course)?

Would you like to have a female nonsexual partner? Or would you prefer a man? Or would either do?

Interesting question. It depends.

If I could go back in time and had never met my DH, and I’d figured out my sexuality sooner, I’d probably have sought a loving relationship with another asexual person (male or female) as a PP has described.

However if we were to part ways now, I don’t think I’d have the energy or inclination to get into any kind of relationship again. I’m all touched out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 09:13

PurpleMonkeys · 22/08/2023 08:17

Being asexual and 'coming out' as asexual leads to some fascinating responses.

Imagine for a moment that we're discussing sports in a pub with a few blokes from the building site down the road.

'i dont like cricket, but I fackin larv Football mate.'

'Yeah, crickets crap, but footy is fackin brilliant..'

'how about tennis?'

'tennis is fine, but only if there ain't no footy on the go and I only like watching two women play tennis.'

'I lark Wrestlin.. the big fake wrestlin with costumes and baby oil and big old weapons.'

'i ain't tried that since I were a kid, but it's alright.'

'i dont like any sports tbh'

'you fackin wot mate? How can you not lark footy at least? Is there some facking thing wrong with ya? Ain't ya bin raised proper lark wot we have?'

'how can you not like any sports? Not even lark the MMA or summit?'

'nope, I'd rather have a nice sit down'

'jesus fackin Christ mate. Get yourself to the docs and have your hormones checked eart! That ain't not normal that ain't, even Creepy Joe likes a bit ov Curlin....'

...

I'm being silly, I know, but I've known people come out as gay, lesbian, bi, pan and even one person that makes no attempt to hide his passions for BDSM. Not an eyelid is batted.
Just an air of "you do you"
Come out as asexual though... It's like everyone stops and turns and looks...

"I don't like or enjoy sex of any kind and could live my entire life never having it again"

😂🥺😭

OP posts:
CrispyOne · 22/08/2023 09:17

Hi OP. I have to admit when I first read the thread title I did roll my eyes somewhat. And then I read your OP (and subsequent posts) and realised that you were describing me to a T.

I've been married 21 years, have three children and DH and I were each others first and only. I cannot remember the last time we had sex. The children were all conceived quickly and easily, and like OP with the youngest being a one time thing.

DH never asks so I presume he isn't bothered that much either.

I don't want to give myself a label though, and I don't think I would ever describe myself as being asexual, it is simply what it is.

Whichwhatnow · 22/08/2023 09:18

HeartInMyHand · 22/08/2023 07:10

Wow, you got lucky!
Finding an asexual man (well, asexual anyone really) seems nearly impossible.

May I ask how you two met / find out you both were asexuals @Whichwhatnow ?

Show quote history

We just went on a date! DH thought I was sexual and 'confessed' on our first date because he didn't want to deceive me, so it was just a happy coincidence that I was too.

hopsalong · 22/08/2023 09:19

You said you used sometimes to have orgasms during oral sex.

Did you not enjoy the feeling? Did you not want to experience it again?

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 09:28

HamBone · 22/08/2023 02:48

I imagine it’s similar to being married to someone with health problems which prevent them from being intimate. You can still have a deep and loving relationship without sex.

It might be difficult to accept that your partner has never enjoyed sex with you though. If you can, that’s great.

He’s not aware that I have never enjoyed sex. That would be cruel. I was much gentler with him five years ago than I am being in these replies. I care about his feelings immensely.

You’re right though. As much as highly sexed people and society would have us believe, sex is not the same as food, water, oxygen and shelter. It is not a human right, because we can live without it. It doesn’t keep us alive. I know sex is normal, healthy (most of the time), most people enjoy it, etc etc. I do know I am the anomaly.

Many many deeply loving relationships are not sexual. Marriages become non sexual
for a thousand reasons - and people don’t just leave. My DH has been put in a heartbreaking situation where he has had to decide between having sex (either as a single man or on the side) and having his marriage and family remain as it is. He has decided that his family life as it is, is more important. I regret it with my whole heart, but I cannot have sex again.

OP posts:
CrispyOne · 22/08/2023 09:30

Did you not enjoy the feeling? Did you not want to experience it again?

Not the OP, but it is all just a bit meh for me. The trouble is it that you are coming from the pov that it is good and pleasurable whilst I am just a bit ambivalent about it all.

CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 09:31

So then if he's never aware that you've not enjoyed it, you've either been faking it or lying to him.

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 22/08/2023 09:32

So did you just view sex in order to conceive as a necessary evil? You said it's clinical but I can't imagine forcing myself to have sex to get pregnant. You are very lucky that you got pregnant twice with only one try for each pregnancy.

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 09:32

hopsalong · 22/08/2023 09:19

You said you used sometimes to have orgasms during oral sex.

Did you not enjoy the feeling? Did you not want to experience it again?

Nope. I don’t want another human being touching me intimately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 09:34

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 22/08/2023 09:32

So did you just view sex in order to conceive as a necessary evil? You said it's clinical but I can't imagine forcing myself to have sex to get pregnant. You are very lucky that you got pregnant twice with only one try for each pregnancy.

Correct.
I am very lucky, yes.

OP posts:
CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 09:37

@PurpleMonkeys why the need to tell anyone that you're asexual? No one needs to know anything about your sex life, or lack of, unless it's in a professional capacity and you're seeking help.

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 09:38

CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 09:31

So then if he's never aware that you've not enjoyed it, you've either been faking it or lying to him.

Correct- but not in the sinister way you’re implying. Not because I wanted to. I didn’t see an alternative. I wanted to “give” him what he needed and deserved in the marriage, despite not wanting to, and did so for nearly 20 years. There are no winners here.

OP posts:
AmazingSnakeHead · 22/08/2023 10:06

How would you feel if your husband entered another relationship that was sexual as well as romantic? If you don't want sex, why is him having sex with someone else something that you would tolerate, rather than something that doesn't bother you at all?

PurpleMonkeys · 22/08/2023 10:11

CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 09:37

@PurpleMonkeys why the need to tell anyone that you're asexual? No one needs to know anything about your sex life, or lack of, unless it's in a professional capacity and you're seeking help.

Do you ask this of gay men? Lesbian women? Bisexuals? Pansexuals?
Or Trans people? Or straight people? Or vegans? Or vegetarians? Or Catholics? Or fans of Ed Sheeran?

Is it just us Asexuals that get questioned in this way or do you question everyone when they reveal details about themselves?

"I quite like pizza"
"Why the need to tell everyone that you like pizza? Can't you just like pizza and not tell anyone at all? I can't believe you'd have the audacity to come onto a thread about pizza and tell everyone you like pizza... Go get your digestive tract checked."

Original poster
Asexualawakening · 22/08/2023 10:16

AmazingSnakeHead · 22/08/2023 10:06

How would you feel if your husband entered another relationship that was sexual as well as romantic? If you don't want sex, why is him having sex with someone else something that you would tolerate, rather than something that doesn't bother you at all?

Hmm.
Because he is a romantic person and so he couldn’t have sex with someone unless he actually liked them - he couldn’t do anonymous hookups or use sex workers - so I’d know there’d have to be some kind of feelings / connection there for him to be able to do it. So that is what I would need to tolerate - the connection, not the actual sex.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/08/2023 10:18

Do you feel selfish? Why not leave him? You married him under false pretenses.

CrazyFrogDingDing · 22/08/2023 10:21

PurpleMonkeys · 22/08/2023 10:11

Do you ask this of gay men? Lesbian women? Bisexuals? Pansexuals?
Or Trans people? Or straight people? Or vegans? Or vegetarians? Or Catholics? Or fans of Ed Sheeran?

Is it just us Asexuals that get questioned in this way or do you question everyone when they reveal details about themselves?

"I quite like pizza"
"Why the need to tell everyone that you like pizza? Can't you just like pizza and not tell anyone at all? I can't believe you'd have the audacity to come onto a thread about pizza and tell everyone you like pizza... Go get your digestive tract checked."

Show quote history

Do you often share details of your sexual preferences with people?
Announce that you're asexual in the middle of pizza hut? Or with your work mates in the canteen?
Maybe announce it over the tannoy at the train station?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 22/08/2023 10:36

Some posters seem desperate to paint the OP in a bad light. When she realised she was asexual she talked about it openly with her dh and gave him all the possible choices she could. He then chose.

Yes it's not great (for the OP or her dh) that it took a long time for her to recognise her asexuality for what it was, but I don't see what else you think she should have done once she realised. As she points out, this is pretty common in the case of people who realise they are gay. And asexuality hasn't been a socially recognised or accepted thing until fairly recently (and still isn't, going by some of these responses).

I get the impression some posters don't really believe asexuality is real, or they think the OP has a medical problem. It reminds me a bit of people who don't really believe that any women, deep down, have no desire to have children.

You have been very polite and patient, OP!