AMA: I’m asexual, and married with kids

[Asexualawakening]

Only realised in the last few years and wish I’d known it was a Thing back in the 90s!

Ask me anything………

So that answers my question about him being less sexual then most people. It seems like you met the right man for you! Giving up sex is a huge deal for people who aren't asexual like food or breathing usually, unless there are hormone issues.

Giving up sex is a huge deal for people who aren't asexual like food or breathing usually, unless there are hormone issues

Lol speak for yourself

I wouldn't be happy if my partner announced he was never gonna have sex with me again. I think that's really selfish

I have a friend from university who I have long thought is asexual. She has a wonderful life. she never married. I don't think she ever kissed anyone tbh. but has a fabulous life filled with friends, work she loves, interests she loves and can completely commit to (took a 2 year sabbatical recently to do a masters in her "hobby" subject) and is really close to all her nieces and nephews.

OP, you remind me of a few people I know who came out as gay in their early 50s - after they had kids and the good career and those kids had gone to/graduated university. leaving their spouse looking back at their marriage wondering what the fuck was that all about. What did my life mean? So any sex we had was under suffrance? it is brutal.

I understand how conflicted you can be about your sexuality -that is fine until it involves another person. What if you had recognised your asexuality when you should have and not got involved with your husband? What if he was now married to a woman who liked having sex with him and he got to experience the joy of sexual intimacy in a marriage? would he be happier? I know you can't understand how sex can enhance a marriage or a life but those of us who have it do. your husband isn't asexual - he could have had that.

It's true. For people that aren't asexual sex is a big part of life. It's a break from the humdrum of life. It's fun, it's a stress reliever and an incredible way to spend time with the one you love. So for that just to stop is a big deal.

It would be interesting to get the husbands real point of view. Everyone is different there's no right way of life as long as everyone involved is happy

You seem quite confident your dh will never want sex with another person. That seems very naive, especially given you have no real understanding of sexual urges. Sex is healthy. Orgasms are healthy.

I'm guessing you are fine with him watching porn at least? Sexual release is a good thing.

It ses.

I imagine it’s similar to being married to someone with health problems which prevent them from being intimate. You can still have a deep and loving relationship without sex.

It might be difficult to accept that your partner has never enjoyed sex with you though. If you can, that’s great.

So you're saying that every time you've had sex during your marriage, you've either laid there thinking of England or you've lied to your husband by faking it?
I feel sorry for him. Imagine being lied to for all those years.

I'm asexual but I love cuddling and kissing. I'm married and me and my DH are very affectionate. DH is also asexual which makes the lack of any sexual feeling a lot easier! I don't get turned on. I do have C - PTSD nut I don't think it's related. Hope this helps!

It’s a sacrifice I would make, for him, but he would not entertain the idea in a million years.

A sacrifice you would make..... you sound very selfish

You mentioned hormones, but are you physically fit and healthy otherwise? Overweight or underweight?

If you weren’t married to your husband, would you like to have a significant other with whom you were not sexually intimate? Would you prefer to be single or married (but without sex of course)?

Would you like to have a female nonsexual partner? Or would you prefer a man? Or would either do?

It's just not in his nature.

I've heard that straight from a married mans mouth, as his wife would describe him and their non sexual relationship after being married 40 years.

I got in to a situation with him that I'm not proud of. He was someone I looked up to and had respected for years. Almost famous in my eyes. Nothing physical, we've never met, but he was rampant! It was all - I've never talked to my wife like this, I've done this in front of my wife... Etc etc. He was never going to leave his wife, clear from the start.

I'm not saying your husband is the same but someone who has sexual needs and desires, has sexual needs and desires.

Wow, you got lucky!
Finding an asexual man (well, asexual anyone really) seems nearly impossible.

May I ask how you two met / find out you both were asexuals @Whichwhatnow ?

There's always an air of superiority on these threads by so called asexuals - "oh how disgusting, you like smelly yucky sex, can't believe how primitive your urges are"

There's always an air of incredulity on these threads from non Asexuals - "oh how weird, you sure your hormone levels aren't wrong? All women go off sex when they get older? Have you spoke to your GP Op? I can't believe no one dislikes sex because I love it so much"

The same could be said about all the non asexuals telling OP she must have a medical problem 🙄

Being honest about your sexuality isn’t being superior. However suggesting someone seeks treatment for their sexuality is disgusting, odd how so few have problems with that suggestion.

Being asexual and 'coming out' as asexual leads to some fascinating responses.

Imagine for a moment that we're discussing sports in a pub with a few blokes from the building site down the road.

'i dont like cricket, but I fackin larv Football mate.'

'Yeah, crickets crap, but footy is fackin brilliant..'

'how about tennis?'

'tennis is fine, but only if there ain't no footy on the go and I only like watching two women play tennis.'

'I lark Wrestlin.. the big fake wrestlin with costumes and baby oil and big old weapons.'

'i ain't tried that since I were a kid, but it's alright.'

'i dont like any sports tbh'

'you fackin wot mate? How can you not lark footy at least? Is there some facking thing wrong with ya? Ain't ya bin raised proper lark wot we have?'

'how can you not like any sports? Not even lark the MMA or summit?'

'nope, I'd rather have a nice sit down'

'jesus fackin Christ mate. Get yourself to the docs and have your hormones checked eart! That ain't not normal that ain't, even Creepy Joe likes a bit ov Curlin....'

...

I'm being silly, I know, but I've known people come out as gay, lesbian, bi, pan and even one person that makes no attempt to hide his passions for BDSM. Not an eyelid is batted.
Just an air of "you do you"
Come out as asexual though... It's like everyone stops and turns and looks...

"I don't like or enjoy sex of any kind and could live my entire life never having it again"

I’m pretty sure I’m also asexual OP. People don’t understand it at all, but I’ve learned to accept that’s the way I am wired.
I can’t even have closeness with another human though, it knocks me sick if I’m honest. I can’t share my bed with anyone even just to go to sleep.

What would you suggest I do? I’d welcome any suggestions.

These “what ifs” are exactly what I feel guilt about, and regret. I wish I had known when I was 17, for my DH’s sake and for my own sake. But I cannot change the past, I didn’t decieve him on purpose, I really tried to “fix” it, and I don’t know what I could do differently now.

The ignorance of some posters on this thread is embarrassing.
Well done for your measured responses op. I'm not sure if I'd have been as patient and reasonable as you have been 😅

I’ve never faked it with my DH, only with previous partners.