Wish I had spent less time focusing on my DC and more on my DH

[Vispania]

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

Are they his children too?

How much time does he spend focusing on DC?

Wtf! Your children SHOULD be your priority especially with health needs, they should be his too. Poor little man didn't get enough attention and now he's sulking. This is on him OP not you.

Your children should always be the priority.

sadly many relationships struggle when a child has health issues but that doesn’t mean the focus shouldn’t be the child

I think there needs to be a balance. Of course DC should be the priority, after all they depend on us. But I also think it's too easy to let the romantic relationship part of being parents slide and then when the DC need less attention there is nothing left to save. Making time to just be a couple is important too.

Never regret time spent on your children. How much emotional and practical support did you get from your husband during those difficult years ?

Are they not his children?

I am finding it hard to explain everything properly, but it isnt' very black and white. I think I let things slide too.

He spends a fair bit of time with DC, but I did the main share as I work part time and he works long hours ( which paid for private health care for DS).
What I would like is to forget the pandemic/tough years and move on, but perhaps he can't just switch on.

Man baby. I loathe men like this.

Yes, sorry they are his children. Should have specified in OP. I feel like we have lost our way.

How old are the DC?

Does he now.

That doesn't make it true OP. No halfway decent father or partner would honestly believe it was selfish of you to have prioritised young and unwell DC. He the whole time was welcome to create and maintain intimacy or take some of that burden, and hasn't.

It sounds more like he is looking to blame you as a get out clause or hopes to manipulate you into accepting his current behaviour or hoping you'll overcomplicated to boost his ego by telling you you've caused it, which isn't the case. Your time spent with your DC and strain on a marriage are very normal ; his comments and behaviour are not.

If he doesn't want to work on the relationship, won't attend counselling and is opting out of family life I'd stop letting him hold the cards there and let him know that if that's the case then let's begin the process of separation. Why should you live like that with a person who prioritises only himself.

So he is jealous of his child with health issues. He should have been sharing the load with you.

Time well spent I'd say.

You had a actual child you needed to support, he was supposed to be a parent too, not another child.

If you now have time to spare if I were you I'd spent time nourishing friendships outside the marriage and just leave him to it.

18 and 14. The older one had a host of issues. Now in uni and I finally feel like I have time to breathe.

He needs to grow up.

And if you'd focused on him and DC had suffered? How much worse would you feel?

If the marriage is over, it's over. If he won't try then it is.

What a shame he didn't focus on them. It would have eased things for you and been something that made you a team. Whilst benefiting your children. I wonder what regrets your dh has about his behaviour?

I don’t think anyone here can really say wether you did fuck up or not.

Some parents really do focus on the kids to the exclusion of all else. Even at times when it’s not needed.

However a lot of men just can’t cope with not always been the main focus.

Then you have your child’s Illness. Again it could be either. How serious the illness was, was it always about the illness, did you use the illness as a way of disconnecting from your dh, were you simply exhausted from worrying and doing the bulk. Or could he just not stand not being the centre of attention.

You may not have fucked up. But he could just be being unreasonable. Maybe he could have done more to support you so you had more time and energy. Unfortunately, we really can’t tell

I think some of the replies are unfair. I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that good strong relationships require effort from both parties to maintain and it’s easy to put that on the back burner in a long term relationship when other things get in the way. Suddenly you blink and realise it’s been years since your put yourselves first.

I would expect more co-operation from your DH to try and improve things though. Don’t stop talking about it, talk about it more, talk about how you feel and how you want things to improve. Make time for each other.

Working on his own all day sounds just like work 😂 and isn’t that unusual.

I honestly don't know how to apportion blame.
I find marriage hard
I find parenting DS hard and probably got very enmeshed and slightly controlling
I found the pandemic incredibly hard.
I often feel completely emotionally depleted. I am not a very expressive person anyway. When my beloved dad died, I didn't even cry, though I was shattered. I think DH finds that hard! He would like more affection. But I feel like the DC take or took all of it.

This week I am going to set up a counselling appointment for myself. If he doesnt want to come, he can sulk.

I also have a solo trip planned next month away with friends, the first since the pandemic.

We don’t know that the DH is sulking because of lack of attention. If anything it sounds more like he got used to doing his own thing and now OP has more time to spend with him he’s finding the shift a bit odd.

Don't let him make you feel you have failed as a wife by looking after your children. If you allow him to make his decision to check out of family life your fault then you're paving the way for him to merrily make ridiculous demands which will eventually lead to your breakdown.

I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that good strong relationships require effort from both parties to maintain and it’s easy to put that on the back burner in a long term relationship when other things get in the way. Suddenly you blink and realise it’s been years since your put yourselves first.

I feel exactly like this. I now have a new lease of energy and would like to put in more effort, but perhaps DH feels it's too little too late. I really don't want to say it's all his fault or all my fault. It's probably no one's fault, in a way.

It's good that you have counselling booked.

It's not selfish to focus on yourself.

Yes your relationship may have waned a little, but it's not all your responsibility.

It sounds like your DH is trying to guilt you into now focussing all your attention on him now that the children don't need you as much, rather than having some breathing space.

Well it takes two

Perhaps you did neglect your relationship a bit, but I’m guessing he did too given you don’t describe him trying to pull you back. Perhaps he also could have made more effort with the kids. Just because you are the female parent and partner doesn’t make you responsible for all relationship caretaking.

Relationships do need effort so between you you probably have fucked up a bit, but don’t we all.

What conversations have you had with him so far?

Really you need to get to point where you can talk properly. Right now he is sulking and not engaging which is obvs very teenage.

If it’s over it’s over, but obviously you want to give it your best shot. Does he? Is he just sulking or is he really calling it?