Wish I had spent less time focusing on my DC and more on my DH

[Vispania]

I have fucked up. One of my DC is and was very hard work- numerous health issues, got worse in the pandemic. I have spent way too much time focusing on my DC and not enough on DH, or so he says. I made sporadic attempts to reconnect with DH over the years, but there was always some DC crisis, so it fizzled out.

I have now emerged from the teen years drama, finally able to focus on other things, but DH is now disconnected and says he can't just turn on the switch to reconnect again. If I could do it over again, I would have let the DC sort themselves out.

I think we are both at fault, but mostly me. He doesn't want to go to counselling. He just wants space, which means sitting in his room all day working and speaking very little.

Your children should always be your priority, and his! So this is absolutely not your fault.
But I can understand the relationship struggles.
Could you suggest a holiday together, just the two of you? I tend to find relaxing with my DH resets everything and we get on a lot better. Failing that, give him space and socialise with your friends more. You may find that if you are both less stressed and in better moods, you come together anyway. Good luck.

Is he? Or has he just got enough self respect not to want to only matter to the OP when it is convenient to her? If dh neglected our relationship for years then suddenly decided to he was ready to play with me now i wouldnt be impressed. We don't know how things have gone down.

LaviniasBigBloomers · Today 21:08
The absolute joy of a long marriage (DH and I have been together for 27 years and we have a DS18 with SEN) is that it ebbs and flows. Roles change, different things become important then recede.

Agree so much with this! I’ve been married over 30 years and there have been times when we’ve been ships in the night, haven’t made time for each other at all because we’re too knackered/ill/stressed/occupied with something else/overworked/grief stricken etc etc And you have kids to deal with, you’re often trying to just get through one day at a time. The fact your other half forgives you for that, shows actual real love imo.

I appreciate that.

However, I believe there needs to be a balance.

Being a martyr isn't healthy for children either.

There are some contexts where a child needs to be prioritised over your husband and vice-versa. But to fulfill one over the other will ultimately ruin your relationship in the long run.

Imagine if your husband dismissed all your needs to look after the children all the time. I would want out - I think waiting for your children to leave the house to start rekindling your relationship with your spouse is too late.

I know I would have been a happier kid if my parents had a happier marriage and were more available for each other.

The MN reverse 'check':

Father devotes all his time to sick children while mother works.

Mother complains about father not making an effort to connect.

MN would probably be supportive of her.

There is way too much hypocrisy in MN sometimes.

In marriages, balance is important. Even when you have children. It does not sound from OPs narrative that this was in any way achieved over many years. And there can be huge relationship costs to this.

OP on reading your first post I thought you'd been gaslit. Your husband has no business blaming you fot having focused on getting DS through a difficult time. He should be fecking grateful.

I have a challenging job and a kid with health issues. The child is much harder to cope with.

Having read to the end I sort of see what you mean. But it's either the fault of both of you, or of neither. Hope things work out.

@Vispania Have you actually asked your husband to work on your marriage outright? Have you asked him to go to counselling?

I don't mean this in a hectoring way, I'm just thinking that if you have asked him outright, and he is still refusing, then that is a bad sign that he has checked out. If he isn't willing to even genuinely try to reconnect, then I'd suspect an affair.

If you haven't made it crystal clear to him, then maybe try that and see if he responds.

The relationship between you and your H is the very reason your children exist. It is the bedrock your family is built on.

It is right that children are prioritised when appropriate, but you neglect the very foundations of your family at the peril of that family.

A balance must always be struck by devoting time to each other as well as the children.

When you talk to your H, ask him what is is that makes him feel neglected. Listen to how he is feeling. Explain, if you feel the need to, how hard it was for you during those difficult times with your child and what your thoughts were at the time. Tell each other what you need to start to reconnect.

Basically, you need to sit down and have a really honest review of the last few years and work out a plan to get things back on track.

This 100%

It sounds as though you weren't working as a team with your husband when you're children were young. It is easy to focus on the children simply because you've got to do it, but I have seen so many people distance themselves from their partners in the process. I think you go into survival mode and just do what it takes to get the job done, but it's very common to look up and realise you don't have a partner anymore.

I think it would be worthwhile going to marriage guidance about this

I'm usually the first to say kick him out, and I'm quite surprised at my own reaction here!

I know a few friends who have very very good marriages which have survived similar sorts of things to you. In each of those cases, the couples very much work as a team, and both partners have a high level of emotional intelligence. They are also openly affectionate towards each other.

For your marriage to survive you both have to want it to. Could you start doing things just the two of you?

Lack of affection in a marriage can be soul crushing. He has told you that he feels this lack. Is there anything you can do regarding that? If that seems on appealing to you, then maybe your marriage should end.

Thing is, if you have a child (teen) with severe problems, such as mental health issues, or an eating disorder or just something really time-consuming, it can take over your mental space, not just your daily life. It's then so difficult to think outside of that. In an ideal world, you would come together as a couple to share the strain and see the funny side of whatever terrible thing is happening, but often these types of problems just strain all relationships all round, because one person is absorbing all the emotional energy in the situation.

I don't know what to advise, except your husband seems detached- was he so when your child was ill/suffering? Did he step up and support you all in that situation, or did it feel like it was very much down to you (he could have emotionally supported you all even if he wasn't there as much physically). The good relationship is one where these things happen but you make your way back to each other - he doesn't seem to want to do that, so the question is is this anger/communication/what's he trying to say? I wouldn't keep asking him, let a bit of time pass and go out and start building up your own life, friends, take some time for yourself. Then see if he wants to rejoin in some way. If not, consider therapy but ultimately, I've seen so many mums deal with horrendous illness, disability and mental health issues with their kids and the idea of being 'punished' for not being a great wife at the same time, well, it's not an attractive look on his part.

I mean we all have kids and yes for the first few years when breastfeeding etc it can be hard, but even then you should have been making an effort to spend time together alone, even if it was just once a month. We refer to it as being in the fog. If you've been pushing him away up to teenage years I'm not surprised he's had enough. Our eldest is 7 and we had 3 children in 5 years, I've spent the last 7 years pregnant, breastfeeding or both so it's been dam hard to have time for us without a child hanging off me, but we have tried to create that time as it's important. We won't have a marriage if we don't have time for one another. Seems you've completely neglected your marriage for years and have now realised you are actually married. Happened to one of my husband's rele's they divorced after 30 years just as their youngest child graduated, turns out they didn't have a marriage, they were just 2 people who have raised kids together, no kids to look after, no reason to be together anymore. Their relationship had died years ago, so although it was a shock to everyone i think they both checked out a long time ago.

It's as if you've only just remembered you are married having ignored your husband for years, maybe too little too late?

He bothered enough to pay for private health care…

This. He's having a big sulk to let you know he thinks you gave too much attention to a sick child, and not enough to him. A good father would have been sharing the caring load with you not competing for your attention. Moving forward he needs to grow up and stop sulking. Get your counselling but focus it on you and what you want from your next ten years. Do you want to stay married to the man baby or not?

I don't know about this one.

By the sounds of it, he worked long hours to support his family and to pay for private therapy while you worked part-time and did the brunt of the daily work with the children. It doesn't sound like he opted out, more that you each took on separate roles in the family.

Being honest with yourself - did he make an effort to connect with you emotionally and you rejected him? Or did neither of you really bother and he's now pinning the blame on you rather than taking some responsibility himself?

I don't agree with the posters saying that children must always be the priority no matter what. It's not healthy to neglect your marriage - relationships of any kind need work and commitment and time. You can't just pause your marriage and expect to focus solely on your kids for years with no consequence.

All relationships take effort to maintain. You can't just set one aside completely when a more important one comes along and expect it to still be there when you're ready to pick it up again. That's why so many women wake up one day to realise their friends are all gone and their partner is distant.

Is he just saying that so you will run around trying to be the perfect wife and start waiting on him? I think you should start focusing on yourself. Go and do all those things you wanted to do. He can sit at home and sulk. Tell him to eat worms.

Didnt expect to get so many replies. Thank you all. I have read every one, though I dont think I can respond to each, as it's Monday morning and I need to go to work. I think we have been ships in the night for a while. I can definitely fix the lack of affection now- but perhaps he feels it's too little, too late. It isn't that we didn't have time with each other-we did go out for dinner and stuff- but perhaps I just was completely preoccupied. That is possible because I seem to be only able to focus on one thing at a time.

Will think about this further in counselling.

@Isitautumnyet23

not healthy

Really? I would say having the happiest children I know (I know anyone can claim that on Mumsnet but being told that by family/friends/school) and happily together with my DH (who is amazing) for 20 years has worked well for us.

Just an example- we were on holiday recently and watched a couple sit having a drink in the evening together whilst their extremely tired toddler kicked off next to them. It was clear they were determined to stay for their drink and entertainment and the poor exhausted child had to suffer. We would never have done that and can look back and know we would always have put our children first. We’ve been in the same situation as that family and have taken our child back to the room and not put our own needs before our childs (even if it means missing out on things we enjoy). Whatever age they are, their needs come first. We are in an ‘easy stage’ with older kids where we can sit back, relax and enjoy more time together (cant guarantee it will stay that way) but im so glad ive always prioritised the kids.

That's you and your dh working together to make your dc happy. That isn't you putting your dc first and expecting dh to suck it up. Can you see the difference between parents working as a team or parents working against each other in silos.

That's a rubbish example to be honest. In that situation you can both prioritise your kids and your relationship there is no need to choose. What they did prioritised neither because no one was having fun. You just get a bottle wine put the kid to bed and enjoy it on the balcony or whatever and both are happy. Just prioritising the kid would be you both go back, one of you climbs into bed with the kid and leaves the other one alone for the evening.

I would have no time at all for this
whatever the reasons whoever’s at fault
you either work to fix it
or you don’t and you break up.
he needs to get a grip and pick one. Non of this endless sulking and avoiding each other.

Its just an example that came to mind but I will always put my kids needs first. Using that example, if my DH had said ‘oh lets stay and try an make it a nice evening’, I would have said no as my kids needs will always come first. But yes, we work as a team so perhaps the example is irrelevant. Maybe not working as a team is the problem with the OP and her DH. But we certainly have raised children with very few nights out and zero mini breaks, but those things dont determine a happy marriage or family. Some of my (now) divorced friends are the ones who had the most ‘adult only time’ in their relationships when the kids were young (weekends away etc).